by Reyna Biddy
and i do not want you in my head
if your heart is distracted
i will not play duck duck goose and chase after you
once i feel i’ve been chosen—
please be clear with your intentions.
i can give your fears the attention they need.
i want you to kiss me like we’re 15
and our parents do not approve.
i can’t wait until i get your best friend’s approval.
it’s taken me some time to accept the person that i’m becoming.
my mother used to remind me
to keep the worst parts of me hidden
so i made a habit out of hiding.
i wasn’t sure which side of me could be considered beautiful..
i used to wonder how long God worked on me.
i used to ask God how long till someone falls for me.
he used to respond with thunderstorms
followed by clouds that were cotton-candied.
sunrises so genuine they filled my faith with certainty.
i want you to give yourself to me.
the first time we touch,
i’ll probably smell like coconuts and serendipity.
my lies will probably never be as pointless as yours used to be..
or my stories about what used to be
or how i’m used to things.
sometimes, i find myself bragging about you.
over fig newtons and lavender tea.
the thought of you is quite calming.
unaware of who you are or
where we’ll meet or
how we’ll start—
i have something planned for you.
i imagine you’ve never dealt with a heart
like mine—
my love is unconditional.
i imagine you’ve never felt a spark
like the first time we decide to get high together.
my mind is anything but predictable.
i imagine you’ve never had to
squeeze your way into someone’s schedule—
i’ve heard people say
you make time for whoever’s irresistible.
my time is limited—
but i will never not wait up for you.
Every day I still wait for you.
every day i pray the moment we meet you’ll be ready for me—
and i’ll be ready to see the beauty in me, too.
new prayers
Dear Lord,
Thank you for the beauty you painted into my canvas.
Thank you for the morals you allowed
my mother to sew underneath my fabric.
Thank you for all of the men who came to love me..
yet caused havoc.
I am a better me.
Thank you for putting out my flames
every time I became fire..
Thank you for letting me soar to find myself
in the midst of haywire.
Thank you for sanity.
I promise there were demons on my shoulder that ran with me.
Thank you for allowing me to find myself.
Thank you for showing me the beauty in
growing out of things.
Outgrowing toxic feelings.
Grant me the strength to stay away from anyone hurting me.
Grant me the knowledge to know
who and what are wrong for me.
Help me to never stop choosing me.
Help me to never go back to what I used to be.
Help save me from the ones I love endlessly—
even after they’ve ruined me.
Help save me from love’s calamity.
insides
i don’t know what it’s like to love me
but my ribcage sprouts daisies just in case we have babies.
lately, i’ve been saying you’re the one.
i have aches in my bones that probably aren’t worth touching.
but you make sure you fill the sections of me
that seem to have been abandoned sometime in early February.
i have sores on my lips from the truths i’ll never tell
because i was once too ugly.
i’m used to speaking so deep—
my love becomes frightening.
i know i’m capable of scaring you away, too.
i don’t want to scar you with all of my emotional abuse.
i promise, i will make a lover out of you.
i have the ocean amongst my thighs—
sometimes i forget how easy it is to sink.
so, keep on swimming.
keep on feeling.
keep on coming back into me with all that hope for infinity.
my right wrist has become rusty.
i don’t usually write about people who voluntarily love me.
who unconditionally trust me not to fuck them up, too.
i can’t promise you that you’re right about me.
i have bruises on my chest from the parts of my heart i’ve tried to silence—
it beats louder.
lately, it beats harder. and harder. and harder.
i wish i could save you from me,
but you insisted on laying with me.
you found a vacancy.
so, i hope you plan to watch the fires you placed in me.
love note:
before we fall in love—let’s heal each other.
promises
save me.. like you promised you would. like the promise of us after our first conversation and how i just knew you could. save me.. like i still know you can. sometimes i wonder where you go and if you ever need a hand.
sometimes i wonder if you see me drowning and if all along this was
your plan. and if you’re waiting for me, patiently,
to say i can’t breathe anymore.
between these mixed signals and temporary lines, i can’t breathe anymore. i’m waist-deep praying there’s a way you can even see me anymore.. because i can’t seem to see me without you, i can’t continue to wonder if you’ll ever leave anymore..
save me.. cause i can’t dream anymore. i can’t fantasize about another love like you ain’t kiss my soul into a happy place. like you ain’t brought my life into better days. i can’t give this up like we don’t do more than fuck like we don’t really make love like our souls ain’t just one like this is something you can control like you ain’t really in love like this was ever a story about two fools in lust.
come on.. man.
if you can’t remember the forevers you’ve placed in me..
look at me. look at the woman you’ve made me.
you can’t abandon the home you’ve made in me.
look me in my eyes and promise me—you don’t crave me.
let me know if i’m crazy.
i told myself i’d stop writing about people and then here you come. you made me question if all the others were ever really worthy.. and how i couldn’t not write about the person who fits me completely and perfectly.
you fixed me completely and perfectly..
you know i love to see how much you love to see me loving
the way you love me.. it is all love right?
i know.. some days, you get afraid, right?
to have my heart, to be my rib.
to break some days, and go through shit.
it takes a warrior and a special kind of bravery to deal with
someone like me.
but i’ve decided i can’t allow you to have cold feet. i swear i’ll be patient but i know you know you were made for me.
please, don’t walk away from me.
not after you promised you would save me..
It takes a special kind of man—
to love a woman like me.
i told myself i wouldn't love again..
but you make sense
i admire you for all the reasons others cannot. the flaws you’ve let no one see.. i, see, you king. i see the way you’ve treated me in the open without hesitating. titles mean nothing because i’m a queen. yours, personally. we talked about our walls and how guarded we should be but i’ve decided i’m willing to allow you to damage me.. if it means i can spend the night, one more time, to watch the moon play the strings. to them you’re a musical genius but no one sees the way your spirit sings for me. no one hears the harmonies we make with love—without ever practicing. your heart is a different kind of beautiful—you can’t imagine the peace i’ve found within you. your love has helped me pick up all my pieces.
i used to pray for a man like you but, today, i realize that i was too unprepared—any moment before now.
i’ve fallen in love with you a million times in one night. our eyes stare in harmony. we’ve never shared “i love yous” but don’t be alarmed, my king,
i’m here for you..
whenever you need me..
whenever you don’t—
if that means anything.
Still the same me—who loves insanely.
After All
things i wish i was warned about before
loving the boys who don't know how to
love or be love(d)
Beautiful faces lead to ugly hearts.
He’ll break your heart.
He’ll look gorgeous doing it.. he’ll probably look even more beautiful than the first time you laid eyes on him.
You’ll welcome him back in with sore arms from long nights of holding your own self tight, tired lips from holding back the “I love yous” you never thought would come to an end and a bruised heart—only he could fix.
He won’t fix you. He’ll break more than just your heart this time—
he’ll drown your spirit—he’ll drain your energy—he’ll break your smile—and leave.. like you were nothing.
You’ll lose him. And you’ll end up without him for good this time. You’ll be forced to pick up your pieces. You’ll learn to love yourself. You’ll find your joy. And eventually.. you’ll find yourself.
Whenever, if ever, you run back into him—thank him for all the damage he allowed you to repair on your own. He helped make you a better, stronger, you.
He’ll come back because he loves the way your smile looks before it’s broken.
You’ll laugh.. because he never was and never will be—worth it.
blooming
i remember i used to hate the idea of love. i grew up watching love done wrong for so long that i started to believe it was a place or a thing or a feeling that i didn’t want any parts of. i watched love backfire in the faces of all my loved ones.. i stopped believing in marriage or anything permanent. when i was younger i remember i used to purposely get involved with people just to hurt them. my method of protecting my own heart was to not truly use it but to make people think that i did. eventually.. i hurt me. i started to lose people and things that really meant something to me. i started catching feelings for the ones who were no good for me. i started falling in love with people who were just like me. they’d hurt me, misuse and mistreat me. they’d show me the side of love and myself that i was never used to. but i’m so thankful i saw her. i’m so thankful i felt hurt. it wasn’t until i truly fell apart that i realized how much it took to rebuild back into who i was or.. who i was meant be. because really i was never meant to be coldhearted.. i was never meant to break hearts.. i was never meant to tear people apart. i’m a lover. and now, today, i love that about me. i love that i understand now, how important it is that i do whatever i can to protect and heal hearts.. by any means. i love that people respect me and trust me enough to pour all their love into me.
i finally feel free.
ex lover
i remember i used to spend my time writing about you.
i used to lose sleep crying over you.
finally okay.
i’m happy that i suffered..
in both life and relationships
because i’ve learned, i grew, and i’ve evolved—
into the version of myself most necessary for survival.
i’m a work in progress
and i’m still working on a happier, wiser,
more loving and accepting ME—daily.
i’m still under construction.
whichever mistakes i make today—
i pray i learn and grow from,
but i’ll never give up.
i’ll always choose love.
and i know some days i stumble,
but i try my best.
for a long time after you left,
my dreams beat my reality.
i used to think about life and shit like
everything we could be
and everything that should be
and all the dead-end promises you gave that fooled me.
i used to pray that you’d find yourself
and someone who could love the baggage you carry on your back and i prayed that i’d find some clarity and the strength to move forward,
without you.
i depended on your love for so long
that i didn’t realize you became a part of me.
it was hard to see that
God placed you in my life for good reasoning.
i’m thankful to you for noticing me.
i’m thankful for our love and all the shit you taught me.
i’m thankful for our ending,
i was broken—indescribably.
i’ve faulted myself for loving too hard, for too long.
today i applaud myself.
in a generation where falling in love is conditional
and frowned upon,
i’ve spilled my soul.
i’ve let you see my naked, and sometimes ugly, truth.
this morning i finally saw my silver lining—
crazy how it used to be you.
love note:
any person willing to let you go isn’t worth holding on to.
a message to women:
you deserve better than to be called “pretty.”
you deserve better than to get upset and go online to act petty.
you deserve better than to be on “hold.”
you deserve better than to hold on to someone
who’s already let go.
you deserve better than to be held in convenience.
you deserve better than to keep your relationship “low-key” because..
“someone might see”
and
“someone might ask questions”
and someone might wonder why someone like you would rather hang around a boy who won’t commit when someone like them
is ready to love you.
is ready to learn you.
ready to show you—
who you are.
paint you a picture of you through his eyes and
convince you that you are indeed art.
show you the way he’s mesmerized
by the way your broken heart still beats.
the way it flutters when whole eyes and yours meet.
the way it silences to express its beat.
show you how much he realizes you need healing from this hurting.
i know you.
i know something about what you’ve been through.
i know some days feel like heavy weights and hearts with protection that you’ve failed to break through and i k
now what it’s like to put heartbreak on hold for the love of your life who forgot relationships take two.
i know he forgot to say “i love you, too.”
i know he forgot to stay faithful.
i know you forgot about the time you promised yourself you’d do better but every time you try to leave something keeps pulling you back—
telling you
this is the best you’ll ever have in life.
so you stay the night. every night he misses you after remembering your head and how good it works.
and how good it feels to know no matter how bad it gets—
you’ll always come back.
i know you.
and he does, too.
we know the way your stomach drops at the thought of him loving someone better.
so he knows you won’t search for better
and i know you deserve better.
i know you deserve better than to have your spirit bruised.
i know you deserve someone who empowers you.
i know just how beautiful you could be if only you could see your own value.
i know you.
you’re a collection of paradoxes.
you’re a compilation of food for thought.
you’re a woman—before all things.
you’re more a lover than a fighter—after all it seems..
you’re special.
and i know you know you deserve better than to settle.
circumstances
If all else, if all fails,
we’ll grow apart to fall together,
later.
what a relief.. to be a woman
To be a terrified, vulnerable, always-anxious, forever-worried, far-too-loving or far-too-lusting, loudmouthed, moment-grasping, baby-bearing, romance-obsessed, super-delicate, heartaching, weight-loss-eager, insecure, overpassionate, undercooperative, soul-throbbing, idol-worshipping, elegantly swearing, cuddle-needing, attention-seeking—yet always-grabbing,
breathtaking, strong, and beautiful woman.
We aren’t given enough credit.
In no way am I asking for recognition but I think it’s important that women celebrate themselves. I think it’s important that women continue to educate themselves, uplift themselves, speak for themselves, stand up for themselves, take care of themselves, touch themselves,
