A Boy's Christmas Wish

by Patricia Johns

  “Granny, let’s go watch the kids sit on Santa’s knee,” Rick said, shooting Beth a tight smile. They all knew their job here—get rid of the second cocoa and distract Granny.

  Other patrons had lined up for the hot chocolate table, and Beth took a step back to make room for a boisterous family with several eager kids.

  “Beth?” The voice behind her was low and deep, and she recognized it immediately. She turned to see Danny and Luke. She felt the heat come to her face—the last time she’d seen him he’d been kissing her in the store... She licked her lips and held out the extra cup of cocoa.

  “Hot chocolate?” Beth asked.

  Luke took the cup and grinned, then took a noisy slurp.

  “Granny ordered two,” Beth said. She and Danny exchanged a look, and she could see the apology in his eyes.

  “Look, about yesterday—” Danny looked down at his son, then stopped. “We’re on our way to see Santa right now. Why don’t you walk with us?”

  “I’m not sitting on his knee,” Luke said with an eye roll. “I’m not a baby.”

  “So stand beside him in a manly way,” Danny retorted. “I’m taking a picture, regardless.” Danny glanced back at Beth. “Come along?”

  Luke might think he was too old, but he still seemed a tad excited to see Santa. Beth fell into step beside Danny as they walked through the crunching snow. Luke walked far enough ahead to afford them a little privacy.

  “About yesterday,” Danny said quietly. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “Why did you?” she asked suddenly. “I mean, I’m huge right now—”

  “You’re still gorgeous.” He glanced down at her. Heat rose in her face. “Okay, in all honesty—” He paused, seeming to gather his thoughts. “I know it won’t work with us, Beth. I get that. There’s just this part of me that still reacts to you like I used to. But I can control that. I’m a grown man.”

  She nodded. “Okay.” There was a part of her that was reacting to him in the same way—melting under his touch. And she didn’t need any lectures on why it wouldn’t work between them, either.

  “I’m serious,” he added. “I’ll keep that in check.”

  She shot him a small smile, and they fell into silence as they passed an ice sculpture display.

  “Do you still come every year?” Beth asked after a moment.

  Danny’s expression turned wistful, then he shrugged. “It’s different when you have a kid. You’ll see.”

  She’d forgotten how nice it felt to walk with Danny. He made cold nights feel safer, just because he was there. She’d have to get over that.

  “I didn’t want to come,” she admitted.

  “Have I ruined the park for you?” he asked. Was he remembering the night he proposed, too?

  “A little,” she admitted. Was that cruel to say? They slowed their pace, Luke still well in sight. She didn’t seem to have to explain what she meant—Danny had been there, too, hadn’t he? They’d excitedly made their wedding plans, and no matter how hard Beth tried, she’d never been able to eclipse those sweet, first-love memories with anyone else.

  “It gets better. Look at Luke,” Danny said. “He sees the magic—the lights, the hot chocolate, the Christmas carols... This is new for him. He’s making his own memories, and one day he’ll get his heart broken, I’m sure. It happens to the best of us, but I’m doing my best to make sure he’s got a pile of happy memories to fall back on. You’ll do the same thing with your daughter. You had a pile of happy childhood memories of your own. Us—whatever we had—will get covered over eventually, and you’ll make different memories here.”

  Beth breathed in the winter air and looked around at the parents pulling their kids on sleds, the skaters holding hands as they sliced along the flooded track, the crackle of the central bonfire... Not too far in the future, she’d have a little girl running at her side, and Beth would be watching Riley experience these traditions for the very first time, too. But that was hard to imagine.

  Santa was ahead, and Luke got into line with the other kids. They stopped a few yards away, and Danny’s coat brushed her arm. She was tempted to lean into his strength, but that was an old habit. She sipped her hot chocolate instead and watched as a toddler started to cry on Santa’s knee.

  “That first Christmas after you left,” Danny went on, “I brought Luke here for the tree-lighting ceremony. He let go of my hand for just a second, and when I looked down, he was gone. I looked everywhere for him, and about twenty minutes later, there was an announcement over the loudspeaker that they’d found a little boy, and I went to collect him.”

  Beth shook her head. “You must have gone nuts.”

  “I just about cried when I picked him up again,” Danny said. “I didn’t know I could feel like that. But that’s when I realized that I’d make new memories, and they’d be intense, too. So when I look at that tree over there, I remember you.” Danny leaned over and nudged her arm with his, and her gaze swept toward the spot where he’d pulled out that velvet box. “That can’t be helped. And when I look at the skating circle,” Danny went on, “I remember shouting Luke’s name and looking everywhere, and realizing every single boy was wearing a gray snowsuit, and feeling sick to my stomach.”

  “Are you still traumatized?” she asked softly.

  “A little,” he admitted. “Welcome to parenthood.”

  But she understood what he meant. They’d have more memories, more life, more heartbreak and panic, joy and heart-melting love with their kids. Life would plod on, and one day this park wouldn’t be the place where Danny had proposed anymore—it would be just the park again.

  One day. He had a bit of a head start on that.

  Luke moved up in line, and a few more kids got behind him. She noticed how Danny’s gaze didn’t leave Luke for long, his vigilance silent and stable. And then Beth saw her father through the crowd. Granny was beside him, rapturously watching the kids get their photos taken with Santa.

  Rick’s gaze was on Beth, his expression sad and full of regret, but she could only guess what exactly her dad regretted most. Another watchful father—a few years too late.

  * * *

  DAN LOOKED DOWN at Beth by his side.

  “So are we okay?” he asked uncertainly.

  “We’re fine.” She gave him a small smile, but he caught the glimmer of forgiveness in her eye. They were both different people now, and maybe there were still some sparks, but he knew what was realistic and what wasn’t. They were better off as friends, and he wouldn’t let himself go there again.

  “Luke’s at the front,” Dan said, nodding to the lineup. “I’d better go snap that picture.”

  “Go,” she said with a low laugh. “You might not get another one next year. I’ll go see my family.”

  Dan looked over to where Rick and Granny stood, aglow in the rosy light of the tree next to them. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll see you.”

  Dan passed the waiting parents getting to the front for a good picture, and Beth moved away, too. Different memories—that was the point, right? Except he still felt an ache when he thought about her. This park didn’t hold the same meaning that it used to, but that didn’t mean that Beth hadn’t hollowed out a part of his heart that had never fully healed. Kids changed a lot of things—they certainly changed what was possible now—but they couldn’t erase everything. He wouldn’t tell her that, though.

  Dan turned his attention to his son. Luke used to cling to Dan’s hand when he was smaller, dancing from one foot to the other in the excitement of seeing Santa. Not anymore. He stood in line by himself now and wanted a bit of independence. Kids grew up faster than Dan had realized.

  Dan pulled out his phone and took a few snaps as Luke stood next to Santa’s chair. He didn’t sit on his lap, but Luke did lean over and they exchanged a few words. Santa lo
oked perplexed, then put a finger on the side of his nose. When Luke moved away and made room for the next kid, Dan met him at the other side.

  “Want to see the pictures?” Dan asked. He turned his phone around so Luke could see.

  “Yeah.” Luke sounded a little too encouraging, like this was more for Dan than for him.

  “What did you ask Santa for this year?” Dan asked.

  “Santa’s not real, Dad,” Luke said. “That’s Mr. Henderson from the grocery store.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Dan said, glancing back. “Because I just saw Mr. Henderson by the hot cocoa.”

  A fib, obviously, but a fib in the hopes of renewing a little Christmas spirit.

  “You didn’t...did you?” Luke looked back.

  “What did you ask for?” Dan repeated.

  “For Mom.” Luke’s words were almost too quiet to hear, and a lump rose in Dan’s throat. For all his attempts to make memories Luke could look back on with happiness, there was still a part of the boy’s heart that longed for the mother he couldn’t remember.

  “Do you want to talk?” Dan asked, stopping short and touching his son’s shoulder.

  “Nope.”

  “Well, I do. What did Santa say to that?” Dan might have a bone to pick with Al Henderson at the grocery store later.

  “He said he couldn’t make any promises, but he understood,” Luke replied.

  Good answer, Dan thought bitterly. He didn’t have a better one.

  “Son, if I could fix all of this for you, I would,” Dan said quietly. “But I can’t. You just have to trust that I’m doing my absolute best to give you everything in my power. I told you before that I can’t bring your mom back into your life right now, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be able to make this work in a few years.”

  “That’s too far away,” Luke muttered.

  “It feels far,” Dan admitted. “I know. But it isn’t really. On my end of things, it passes by in a blink.”

  “Well, at my end it’s super long!” Luke retorted.

  What was he supposed to do—call up Lana and let Luke get his heart broken all over again? What if she didn’t come see him? What if she came to see him, and he didn’t get the love from her that he longed for? What if she decided to try again with him and took off with Luke for Vancouver? It was all fine and good to have the law on his side, but a whole lot could happen to a kid for the few weeks it took to find him. The thought chilled his blood.

  “You just gotta trust me, Luke.” It was all Dan had.

  He stood there, frustrated. He wished this was easier, or at least outlined for him. First you do this, then that. But there were no steps to follow to fix a situation like this one. He looked over to where Beth stood next to her father, and he heaved a sigh. He’d been avoiding Rick Thomas ever since he’d started the process of buying that piece of property, not that he’d be able to do it forever.

  “We’d better go over and say hi to Rick,” Dan said.

  “That guy doesn’t like you,” Luke said. Out of the mouths of babes.

  “Don’t worry about that, Luke. He’ll come around.” He sounded more sure than he felt, which was a good thing right now. Dan dug a ten-dollar bill out of his pocket. “Why don’t you go put this into the money box for the food bank.”

  Luke took the cash and headed off toward the decorated box, and Dan turned his steps toward where the Thomas family stood. He’ll come around. Would he? If Dan was about to be verbally abused by Rick Thomas, he’d rather not have his son witness it, however.

  As Dan reached them, he caught the nervous glimmer in Beth’s gaze.

  “Hi,” Dan said. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas, Daniel,” Granny said with a smile.

  Dan held his hand out toward Rick, but Rick didn’t return the gesture, and Dan dropped his hand to his side. He could see the point. This Christmas was a fresh start for Dan’s business, but it was a heartbreaking goodbye for Rick’s.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Thomas,” Dan said quietly. “It’s just business, though.”

  “Yep, I get that,” Rick replied. “But don’t ask me to celebrate with you.”

  “Okay then.” Dan nodded. What else was he supposed to say? It wasn’t like he could hand the store back over to the man. That old corner store might have been filled with memories, but from what he understood, it hadn’t made a profit in years. Dan deserved a chance at a business of his own. Maybe his would be more profitable. He sure hoped so.

  Rick didn’t answer. He stalked away, leaving Dan alone with Granny and Beth. Dan watched him go, and his heart sank. He wouldn’t want to undo his own good fortune, but he also didn’t want to hurt Rick, either.

  “Sorry,” Beth murmured. “He’s taken it pretty hard.”

  Ironic as it might seem to someone in Rick’s position, Dan was hoping that he’d be able to give his own son a family business experience with that property. He wanted to work side by side with his boy, teaching him how to do a job well and how to take pride in something bigger than himself. Luke would earn his first dollar working for his dad, and one day maybe Dan would leave the tool shop to Luke so that he could use it to support his own family. Dan wanted that cozy, comfy picture of a family-run business—the very legacy that had just failed for the Thomases. But Rick’s problem with him wasn’t the store—it was Beth. Dan had promised her father that he’d do right by her, and he’d let her down. Rick had never liked Dan, and his buying the store wasn’t going to change that.

  “Beth is Rick’s little girl,” Granny said. “It’s hard for a man to let his daughter go and get married. He’s got to trust that the young man in question is going to do right by her.”

  Granny gave Dan a significant nod, and Dan glanced at Beth. She looked pained.

  “Don’t worry,” Granny said. “I’ll go have a talk with my son.”

  Dan watched as Granny went after Rick, her feet sure on the packed snow.

  “I’m not sure how much that’ll help,” Dan said with a low laugh.

  “Not much,” Beth replied with a wry smile. “What a Christmas, Danny.”

  Her voice was dampened by sadness. Dan scanned for his son and saw that Luke had stopped to watch the kids getting their Santa pictures taken. He looked down at Beth. She was absently rubbing the top of her belly, her fair skin illuminated by the twinkle of pink lights on the tree behind them.

  “Luke wants to see his mom,” Dan said quietly.

  “What?” Beth looked up at him. “Really?”

  “And I know that it’s normal, but—” Dan shook his head. “You know how complicated this one is.”

  “Does he remember her?” Beth asked.

  “He says he doesn’t.” Dan sighed. “But there’s an emotional memory. He knows he’s missing something.”

  “His heart remembers her,” Beth said.

  “Lana isn’t like you, Beth. You’re thinking of your baby right now, but his mom hasn’t checked up on him in five years.”

  “Does he blame you for that?” Beth asked.

  “I hope not, but he might. I’ve told him that I’d let her visit...but how do I tell him that she doesn’t want to?”

  Luke had started to talk to a girl from his class—a girl he’d had a crush on for a couple of years now—and Dan smiled wistfully. This park—he wondered if it would occupy a special place in Luke’s heart, too. An elementary-school crush didn’t look like much from the adult side of things, but to a boy Luke’s age it was huge. Luke would never admit to it, of course. But Emily R. came up in conversation about his school day an awful lot.

  “Would you let Lana and Luke talk on the phone or something?” Beth asked.

  Dan considered that for a moment. He could respect Lana, and he could wish her well, but he wouldn’t play games when it
came to Luke. He knew it was contradictory. He resented what Lana’s abandonment had done to Luke, wanted her to be more of a mother to their son, but at the same time, he didn’t trust her enough to let her in close.

  “No,” he said with a shake of his head. “I guess I don’t trust her to walk away.” He paused, listening to the sound of his own words as they echoed in his thoughts. “That sounds awful, doesn’t it? I want her to abandon him again.”

  What kind of a man did that make him? He felt helpless right now. Luke was too young to think this through for himself. It was Dan’s job to protect his son, but at what cost?

  “You’re scared,” Beth replied. “You want her to respect boundaries, but you don’t trust her to do that. That’s not awful.”

  That summed it up rather well. He shot her a grateful glance. Maybe he wasn’t as bad as he imagined. Dan watched Luke digging his boot into the snow as he and Emily R. talked.

  “Yeah, I guess that’s it,” he agreed. “I need her to respect that Luke’s with me now. But you know how much a parent loves a child, Beth... I don’t think she could just walk away again. I know I couldn’t once I’d had the chance to get to know my boy, and I’m afraid that she’d come back for him. In a more permanent way.”

  They were silent for a few moments, then Beth said, “I have no advice, Danny.”

  Dan’s heart was heavy in his chest. “I asked Luke what he asked Santa for.”

  “What did he say?” Beth asked softly.

  “He asked for his mom.” He glanced down at her and saw tears welling in Beth’s eyes.

  “You have to do what’s best for Luke, even if he thinks he knows better than you do.”

  But what was best for Luke? Would Dan look back on this and regret having caved to his own fear? Would Luke resent him? How could he even know?

  A voiced boomed over the loudspeaker: “Let’s all move toward the central tree, ladies and gentlemen! It’s time to count down!”

  Luke looked toward his father, and Dan beckoned him back over. The amplified voice started the countdown.