A Steel Heart

by Amie Knight

  “You could at least help me out. The water is freezing.” He held his hand out for me, and I felt guilty for laughing at him and not immediately helping him out of the water. My laughter could wait.

  I hadn’t a clue how I was going to lug this huge man out of the water, but nevertheless I leaned over the end of the dock and held my hand out. Holden grasped it in his wet one and before I could pull up, he jerked down quickly, sending me into the ice-cold water. I came up sputtering and mad and freezing.

  “You did not just pull me into this lake on purpose?” I spat out, but Holden only grasped me around my waist and brought me in close to his body with one arm, while holding on to the dock with the other.

  “You laughed at me!” he accused, bringing his face close to mine, a twinkle in his eyes.

  My teeth chattered through my pout. “I didn’t laugh at you. I laughed at me and my crazy bad fishing.” And now I was in this dirty lake. Oh, dear Lord. Horror. I was in the lake with the googly-eyed fish and his whole dang fish family. Help!

  I tried to push off of Holden, so I could swim to the boat ramp, but he only pulled me closer.

  “Uh-uh, the least you could do after practically pushing me in this lake is kiss me,” he whispered against my lips.

  “Right now?” I asked seriously. “In this fish infested lake?”

  He laughed against my lips. “Yes, right this minute.”

  “Could we wait until we’re on shore? And dry. And warm—”

  Wet, hot lips crashed against mine and I forgot about how cold I was. About the dirty lake water and all the scary, disgusting fish. I forgot everything but me and Holden.

  I was beginning to think this list was a disaster. Every time I did something from it, Mae either looked at me like I was crazy or didn’t understand what was happening at all. Like the day I’d decided to call her sweetheart. She just stared at me like I’d lost my mind. Let’s not even talk about the fishing excursion “her one” was supposed to take her to do often. That day had been a complete clusterfuck. Well, all except for the kiss in the dirty lake water. Yeah, I’d fall into that lake every day for the rest of my life if it meant a kiss like that when it was all over.

  The list sucked, but every day I spent trying to give it to her gave me a purpose. And I’d never felt so determined. I didn’t think about the pain in my leg. I didn’t want the pills. I woke up, read over the list, and went for my walk with Mae. We parted ways for her to work, and I went home and studied up. I wanted to be that list. For weeks I tried to give it to her. And I knew what it meant. It meant I loved her. I’d never loved a woman before, so I wasn’t fool enough to believe that what I was feeling at the moment wasn’t exactly what it was. Love.

  Why else would I want to be everything on that stupid, bad, outdated list? It could only be because I needed her to see I was her one. That she was mine.

  Even though I knew I didn’t deserve her, I couldn’t give up on her. On us. On the list.

  “We should take a walk after dinner,” I told Mae, who was taking off her jacket.

  We were at a restaurant I’d picked in Lexington, the town over from Columbia. My sister told me they served the best desserts ever and my girl loved her sweets, so it had seemed like a natural choice.

  “You want to walk again?” she asked, looking tired.

  We had already walked that day, but I was giving the list another try tonight, so we were going to have to walk again.

  I nodded. “Thought we’d do the dam since we’re already over here.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “The Lake Murray Dam? You wanting to go fishing again?”

  She giggled, and I gave her a look that said never again.

  “It’ll be cold,” she said, looking over the menu.

  “I’ll keep you warm.”

  She didn’t look up from the menu, but I was pleased at the deep blush of her cheeks.

  I was still admiring her when our waiter arrived. “Hi, guys! My name’s—”

  “Levi,” Miranda exclaimed, pushing her seat back and standing up.

  “Miranda!” the waiter said with a smile as he dove in for a hug.

  He backed away a little, taking in her face, but still held her around her waist.

  I blew out a deep breath, trying to rein in my temper. I didn’t like how he was looking at her.

  “You look good. Real good,” he said and Mae shot me an embarrassed look before she pulled away and sat back down.

  “I didn’t know you worked here,” Mae said, shooting me an apologetic look and then I knew. This kid liked her. I’d kill him.

  “Yeah, I haven’t been here that long. Just started a couple of weeks ago.”

  She nodded. “Holden, this is Levi. He’s Will’s uncle.”

  Didn’t that fucking figure?

  “Nice to meet you, Levi.” I put my hand out and Mae looked shocked. What did she think I was? A caveman? I was trying to do better.

  Levi glared at my hand before he shook it. I gave it a firm squeeze. I wanted him to know I was a man. He was a boy. Mae was my girl. His handshake was weak. His hair too long. He was young and gangly, but I guessed some women might find him attractive.

  He pulled a pen and pad from his apron. “What can I get you guys?”

  “What’s good to eat?” Mae asked, looking up at him.

  He smiled and winked at her suggestively. “I can think of a few things.”

  Like uncle like nephew. Mentally, I kicked this kid the minute he put eyes on Mae.

  Again, Mae looked at me in a panic, but I’d keep my cool. I wouldn’t let this kid dictate my mood or ruin our night. I had plans for later.

  Mae ordered quickly if a little awkwardly, and I somehow managed to keep a smile on my face the entire time I told good ole Levi what I wanted.

  He left us and Mae huffed a relieved breath. “God, that was awkward.”

  “He likes you, I take it?”

  “I think he likes all the ladies.” She bit her lip through a smile. “But you handled that better than I thought you would.”

  I nodded. “Because you’re my lady.”

  She grinned behind her water glass. “I am,” she said on a swallow.

  The rest of the meal was uneventful, and Levi left us alone for the most part. We talked and ate, and Mae moaned around every bite of her peanut butter pie. I even let her feed me a bite.

  We were nestled in my truck with the heat on when she complained. “I know I had peanut butter pie for dessert, Hold, but do we have to walk again? I’m wiped.”

  “We’re not walking far. I thought you’d just like to see the water.”

  She pursed her lips in thought. I bet she was expecting another fishing disaster or something similar.

  I parked across the street from the dam and we made our way across the road and traveled the sidewalk that eventually crossed the bridge.

  The wind was cold on the bridge, so I pulled Mae close, adjusting her hat over her ears, before kissing her nose.

  I cradled her close under my arm as we started to cross the bridge. She immediately stopped and looked up at the fence that came up high from the railing of the bridge. “Oh my God, I didn’t know these were here. Love locks, just like the bridge in Paris,” she said, running her hands along the padlocks that were attached to the fence.

  Each padlock had a couple’s name on it and Mae smiled, reading them off to me. “Jeff and Marisa,” she said grinning, holding a small pink padlock in her hand. “Oh, this one says Ashley and Dan forever. These are so sweet! How did I not know this was here?”

  Her cheeks and nose were red from the cold, her twinkling eyes dancing with the love of every lock on that fence, and I didn’t think I’d ever loved her more than in that moment. Her purple knitted hat pulled down low on her head, her red hair messy around her shoulders. She was beautiful and special, and I couldn’t believe she picked me. This sexy, strong, amazing woman picked me.

  I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out the lock, the small keys
inserted in the lock, and a black sharpie. “I know it’s not Paris, but it’s a bridge, and I just happen to have a love lock right here.” I dangled the padlock from my finger.

  She looked at the lock in my hand, confused and then shocked, and then her eyes, they softened before they moved to mine. “Oh, Holden.” She walked toward me, tears shining in her eyes. “How did you know?”

  That bridge in Paris was on the list. She wanted her one to take her there and hang their love lock from it, but I’d read somewhere the locks on that bridge had been removed years ago, probably long after she added it to her list. I couldn’t give her Paris, but I could give her this.

  She stopped a foot from me. Her face thoughtful. “I haven’t told you about the bridge in Paris. I haven’t thought about it in a long time even. Not since I added it to…” she trailed off, realization making her eyes wide.

  “You found my list,” she whispered. “The fishing.” She let out a small chuckle and wiped underneath her eyes with her gloved hands. “Calling me sweetheart. It all makes sense now.” She laughed again, harder this time. “I thought you’d lost your mind, big guy. Turns out you just found my list.”

  More tears fell from her eyes, and I started to panic. Was she upset? Was she sad? Was she happy? I couldn’t tell. She was laughing and crying and sometimes the little frown lines between her eyes would appear, and they were breaking my damn heart.

  I rushed to her, wrapping an arm around her body and wiping her tears away with my hand. “Don’t cry, baby. I can’t stand it. I’m sorry.” I pulled her in for a hug, clutching her tight to me, terrified she’d be angry over me snooping, worried she’d tell me I wasn’t good enough no matter how I tried to give her the list.

  “I know I’ve screwed this up. I wanted to give you that damn list. You deserve it. But everything I tried just turned to shit. I’m sorry, Mae,” I said into her hair.

  Tears rolling down her cheeks, she pulled back to look at me. “Oh, Hold. That’s really sweet. But that list, it’s just the fairy tale of a young girl, the dreams of a young woman who didn’t know what love was. The list isn’t real. You are. I don’t want the list, Holden. I only want you.”

  Clutching her hands into the front of my coat, she pulled me down until her lips met mine in a brief but firm kiss.

  “Okay?” She gazed up at me.

  “Okay.”

  “Now give me that lock, you romantic son of a gun. You’ve gone and done it now. I always had a feeling you were a romantic at heart, but now I know it. You’re in big trouble now.”

  She grabbed the lock and sharpie from my hand and removed the lid. She had the sharpie poised right over the lock when she changed her mind.

  “You know what? You should do this. You should write the message.”

  She pushed the lock and pen into my palms and tucked her hands into her coat pockets.

  I didn’t think about it, I just wrote the first thing that came to mind before handing it back to her quickly, before I changed my mind, before I lost my nerve.

  She read the lock for far too long. It was only three words, but she stared at them for what felt like hours even though I knew it was only minutes. I wasn’t cold on that bridge anymore. I felt hot and flushed and embarrassed and scared. So fucking scared.

  She finally looked up at me, tears in her eyes before she walked to the bridge and hung our lock. She picked a spot away from the others and I wondered if that was so she could come back and find it easily. She pulled the keys out of the bottom and tossed them into the lake below before turning back toward me.

  She walked forward slowly, tears silently rolling down the red apples of her cheeks, her lips trembling, and I bit down on the inside of my mouth, scared to fucking death of what she would say next.

  She leaned up on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me like she never had before, and whispered in my ear, “Mae loves Holden, too.”

  Favorite Parts of Holden

  His Dark Eyes

  His Scruffy Jaw

  That Ass

  I sucked on Holden’s top lip right outside of our apartment doors. I stood on my toes and kissed his scruffy jaw, the hairs tickling my lips and cheeks. He loved me. He tried to give me the list.

  My heart was so full. It thundered between us, feeling way too big for my chest.

  “Make love to me tonight,” I whispered to Holden between kisses.

  I thought of the love lock. How he’d handed it over so quickly, a scared look on his face. He hadn’t just handed me that lock. He’d handed me his heart. Holden loves Mae, it’d read. My nose had burned until tears had run down my cheeks. I’d given him my heart months ago. It felt so good to finally have his.

  There was no way I could go slow now. Besides, we loved each other. We could get through anything together. Nothing could stop us now.

  Holden laid his forehead to mine, breathing hard. “I’ve never made love to anyone, baby. I don’t think I know how.”

  I cradled his rough face in my palms. “I’ll help you. I’ll teach you,” I whispered to him, pulling him through my door, past my living room, straight to my bedroom, removing our hats, gloves, and jackets along the way.

  I’d never really made love to anyone either, but I would figure it out for both of us.

  We stood by the end of my bed, the darkness of the room wrapping around us like a warm blanket.

  I ran my hands underneath the hem of his shirt, across the soft hardness of his abs, to the small nipples that pebbled underneath my fingers. He lifted his arms, removing his shirt the rest of the way.

  I marveled at how large and hard he was even if his skin did feel as soft as silk beneath my palms as they traveled across his shoulders, past his biceps, to his strong forearms. I hadn’t gotten to enjoy him, explore him the last time we’d been together.

  “You’re so big,” I breathed before moving my hands back down past his stomach to the snap of his jeans. I pulled and they sprang open, and I lowered the zipper on them with trembling fingers.

  I was exhilarated, heady, high on this big beautiful man who’d finally proclaimed his love for me. It felt surreal.

  Slipping my hands into the side of his jeans, I pushed down until they sat at his knees.

  My face reddened at the hard, thick, cock that jutted from his body. My mouth watered for a taste. It was gorgeous and perfect and all mine.

  “Still no underwear, I see,” I said with a smile, slipping to my knees in front of him. “Sit on the bed.”

  He eased himself back and I leaned forward, moving the leg of his jeans to find the pin that would release his prosthesis. I looked up at Holden for permission, but he only stared down at me as I pushed the pin and pulled his leg free. I removed the shoe from his foot and pulled his jeans the rest of the way down until they sat in a puddle between us.

  I slipped my fingers under the liner left on his knee and removed it, too. Holden looked away and it broke my heart. I wanted him to know that I loved all the parts of him, even the ones he felt were broken.

  I rubbed the raw, red area of his stump and looked up at his face, willing him to return my gaze. When he didn’t, I said, “You’re so gorgeous. Every part of you.”

  He glanced at me quickly before looking away again and shook his head. But I wouldn’t let him tell me how I felt.

  “Even this,” I whispered, touching the redness of his knee where the rest of his leg should have been. “Because without this, there’d be no Mae and Holden. You’d still be somewhere in the desert fighting and I’d be here all alone. There’d be no long walks on cool southern mornings. No three a.m. knock knock jokes. No long rides to the beach in a tiny clown car. There’d be no heart pounding, life-changing kisses. There’d be no us. And we’re so perfect together I can hardly breathe sometimes. I wouldn’t change a thing in the world about us, Steel. You hear me? Not even this.” I squeezed his knee one last time.

  Big hands reached down and lifted me until I was pulled up off the floor and onto
Holden’s lap. One arm wrapped around me and the other pulled my head closer as Holden crashed his lips to mine. His tongue snuck out to taste my lips and I opened, hungry for him. Starving.

  He dipped his tongue into my mouth, running it over the length of mine before nipping at my lips. He placed his forehead against mine, eyes closed, arms wrapped tightly around me.

  “Do you know how amazing you are? How goddamn stunningly beautiful you are inside and out, Mae? I wake up every morning and still can’t believe you picked me,” he said across my lips. “I don’t deserve you.”

  I pushed my lips to his, determined to show him how much he deserved me. All of me. Everything. Reaching between us, I gave the length of his cock a long stroke. The grunt that rumbled from his chest sent liquid heat to my core.

  I clenched my legs together as I dropped to the floor between his knees. I watched my hands stroke him as he leaned back on his elbows. I felt hot and needy, my nipples tight and warm with his eyes on me. Leaning forward, I darted my tongue out to taste the bead of liquid at the head of his cock. It was salty and musky and innately Holden. I groaned as I swirled my tongue all around, wanting every last drop of him.

  He hissed a breath that made my eyes dart to him. His big body was reclined on the bed, his elbows to the mattress, his hands clenched tight in my comforter, his head thrown back, and I watched his throat work, his chest exhale and inhale as I lapped at him, as I took him deep in my mouth. He grunted and groaned as I licked and sucked and nipped every inch of him. I could have watched him forever. It was beyond sexy. It was raw and primal, so sensual.

  “Fuck,” he moaned out, sitting up and lifting my shirt over my head. He unhooked my bra and pushed my jeans and panties down my legs. “Hurry. I need you naked now.”

  I pushed my jeans past my feet, and he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me onto the bed on top of him.

  My thighs straddled his large waist and he grabbed the back of my hair just how I liked. Strong and tight in his fingers, the burning in my scalp setting my body on fire.