The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “You've never pulled rank before,” Jeff sputtered, having apparently been put firmly in his place. You go, girl ... err dude ... vampire, or whatever.

  “First time for everything.”

  “I'll file a complaint with the Draculas.”

  Draculas?

  “Go right ahead,” Ozymandias continued with the same icy tone. “I represent the Draculas in the Northeast. Your complaint will just wind up on my desk. It's safe to say that investigating it probably won't be at the top of my priority list.”

  Okay, did you follow any of that? Because I sure as shit didn't. But I'm guessing that the guy who didn’t want me immediately dead was higher on the food chain than the guy who did. So far, that seemed like a good thing.

  Anyway, back to the two guys debating whether I'd end up looking like something that was dumped out of a Shop-Vac. The whole exchange seemed to deflate Jeff's sails a bit. He took a breath and composed himself, at least as well as a self-absorbed dickhead could do so. “Fine. What is it you want?”

  “That's better.” Ozymandias adopted his former casual tone. “What I'm decreeing is simple enough. I'm putting this fellow under my protection.”

  Cool. I must've impressed him with my badass escape attempt.

  “Why would you do that?” Jeff asked.

  “Because I find him amusing,” Ozymandias replied. “That's a rare thing around your bunch.”

  So maybe impressed wasn't quite the right word.

  “Oh, and Jeff...”

  Jeff's face reddened considerably.

  “Sorry, I meant Night Razor, forgive my rudeness. I'm also decreeing that he's now a part of your coven.” He momentarily turned his head in my direction. “Sorry, friend, but amusing or not, I'm far too busy to babysit.”

  “I don't see that you'll have a choice,” Jeff Razor, or whatever the fuck his name was, cut in. “I can't take him. My coven is full. I'd love to make an exception but, as per the Draculas' decrees, I'm maxed out. As their representative, I'm sure you wouldn't want to break the very rules you're charged with enforcing.”

  “You're quite right. Silly me.” Suddenly, with a swiftness and ferocity that I would never have expected from someone who looked like he walked out of a Harvard prep school, Ozymandias spun around and impaled his fist straight through the chest of the unfortunate vampire who happened to be standing closest behind him. The vamp burst into flames even as Ozymandias was still elbow-deep in him. Within a few seconds, all that was left was a little ash clinging to his arm and a stunned (myself included) crowd of onlookers.

  Note to self: do NOT fuck with this guy.

  He casually dusted himself off and turned back to Jeff. “Oh, look. It seems you have an opening after all.”

  “You killed Rage Vector!”

  “Is that what you called him?” Ozymandias asked with a grin. “Stupid name, if you ask me. Never really liked him much anyway.”

  Another male voice from the back chimed in, “Goddamn it! He owed me fifty bucks.”

  “Kindly send the bill to my attention,” Ozymandias continued, his eyes still focused on Jeff. “Anyone else have anything further to add?”

  Unsurprisingly, he was met with silence.

  “Good. I thought you might see it my way. As for you...” He turned back toward me. “Do you accept inclusion into your sire Night Razor's coven and pledge to abide by his rules? Before you answer, let me be clear that the alternative is the same fate as your fellow party guests. The Draculas are not particularly fond of uncovened vampires.”

  “Is uncovened even a word?” I, for some goddamned stupid reason, blurted out before I could censor myself. I paused for just a heartbeat, mentally berating myself for breaking my “no messing with this guy” rule no more than ten seconds after I made it. Before I found myself a pile of dust, I quickly added, “Err, sorry about that. What I meant to say was, of course, I'll be happy to accept membership.” At least until I came up with a way to get myself out of this freaking mess.

  “I thought you would.” Then he addressed Jeff again. “Well, it appears to be all settled. Now if we could just make it official. And do hurry. There are only a few hours ‘til daybreak and I'd prefer to spend them in my hotel room.”

  It was that late? Guess I was “dead” longer than I thought.

  Judging by Jeff's glare, he was trying to incinerate us both with his mind. When that didn't happen, though, he took a deep breath and appeared to compose himself ... a little, at least.

  “Gather round, my children, and esteemed guest. It is time to welcome a new br ... brother in blood into our ranks.”

  Since the assembled vamps were already standing around us in a circle – a circle slightly outside of Ozymandias’s reach, I might add – only a minor reshuffling was needed. There was probably some order or ranking going on, but I couldn't really tell. Can't say I really cared, either. The only thing that mattered at the moment was that I was still alive, in a manner of speaking. Still, I saw no reason to exacerbate the situation by doing something stupid next.

  “Uh, so what should I do?”

  Guess that was a bad move, because Jeff practically jumped down my throat. “The initiate...” he hissed, “will be ... SILENT!!”

  On that last word, his voice seemed to reverberate inside my entire head. Scratch that. I could feel it in my bones. What the fuck? I found myself reeling from the sheer power of it. Even weirder, though, for just a second, I almost felt compelled to obey. Damn, that was pretty fucked up.

  Still, for the moment, it seemed like prudent advice, so I zipped it. Jeff, in return, gave me a self-satisfied sneer – a really creepy one, too, like he knew something I didn't. Or maybe I was reading too much into it and it was simply another extension of his douchebag nature. Either way, it wasn't doing much to enhance my already low opinion of him. I could probably adjust to being a blood-sucking denizen of the dark, but having to deal with this asshole lording it over me for all of eternity ... well, that was going to be a tough pill to swallow.

  Jeff continued with his self-important soliloquy. “Does anyone reject our new little brother? Speak now and let your voice be heard.” He paused and glanced around, probably hoping someone would point out a couple of good reasons why I needed to have my ass killed. However, all eyes were firmly on Ozymandias. Whatever objections they might have had were very obviously silenced by his earlier example.

  “Very well,” Jeff said as he once more turned to me. “I release you from your earlier compulsion.” Okay, whatever the fuck that meant. “You may now speak. Do you accept the assembled as your brothers and sisters?”

  Jeez, it's melodramatic shit like this that kept me from joining a frat in college. Not to mention the fact that I seriously doubted I would ever have sisterly thoughts toward any of the assembled babes. But still, in the interest of staying alive, I merely said “yes” and then shut it again.

  “So be it,” he continued. “Since my ascension, it has been the tradition of this coven that all new members must cast off their old selves and assume a name more befitting of their station in the after-death. I have been, am now, and shall forever be Night Razor.” AKA Jeff ... so much for casting off old identities. “So, too, must you now forsake your old life. It is over. Choose a new name to take with you into your new existence. As your master (fuck you!) it is my entitlement to SUGGEST...” Whoa, that weird ringing in my head again. “...what that name might be. Thus, I say you shall be known as...”

  “Hold on,” I interrupted. “I think I'd just as soon choose my own name, thank you very much.”

  For some reason, this seemed to surprise Night Razor. He actually appeared at a loss for words at my response. Even Ozymandias seemed a bit taken aback, albeit only momentarily. He quickly composed himself and spoke up before Night Razor could do so.

  “I believe your new recruit here is correct. It is ultimately his choice, if he wishes. However, if I may, I find myself favoring the name Darkwing,” he said with a smirk, alluding to my earli
er failed attempt at a badass one-liner.

  I gave him a withering glare back. “Pass. Instead I think I'll be...” Oh, fuck me. I hated being put on the spot. I had no freaking idea what to choose. I mean, it took me a whole frigging week just to come up with a name for my last Dungeons & Dragons character, and no, I wasn't using that. I had no intention of being Kelvin Lightblade for the rest of my days. And yet, somehow I doubted they'd let me off with an “I'll get back to you on that.”

  Think, think, think, stupid.

  My email address? No.

  Any older characters? Nothing cool was coming to mind.

  Someone from a TV show? Hmm, Cobra Commander had potential ... but nah.

  One of my online gamer IDs? Sure. Why not? Hell, I had one that was near perfect.

  “Call me ... Dr. Death,” I said, putting a tough-guy swagger into my voice. I was sure I'd be met with praise and awe at such a kickass name. Instead, there was just silence. Damn, maybe I should have gone with Cobra Commander, after all.

  “Dr. Death?” Night Razor blurted out. “You've got to be kidding me.”

  “What?” I countered. “It's no stupider than Night Razor.” Oh, fuck. There I go again, talking before thinking.

  Another chuckle came from Ozymandias. That was a good sign. As long as he was laughing, I'd probably still keep drawing breath. But ol' Jeffy sure as shit didn't seem to be amused.

  “ENOUGH!” he roared. “Fine, take whatever name you want. In three months, it won't matter.” I was about to question that little detail, but he apparently wasn't finished. “Dr. Death,” he mocked, “do you pledge your allegiance to the coven and your master?”

  “Uh, sure, I guess.”

  Okay, maybe that answer didn't quite convince him of my undying loyalty, because he did that voice ringing through my skull thing again.

  “ENOUGH OF YOUR INSOLENCE!! I AM YOUR SIRE, YOUR MASTER!! NOW KNEEL!! KNEEL AND PREPARE TO RECEIVE MY BLESSING!!”

  Blessing? I'm not a homophobe or anything, but that sounded just a little too much like a line from this bukkake film I sorta accidentally downloaded the other week. Once more, I had this fleeting urge to do as he said, but again, it quickly passed and I was able to clear my head. Damn, I didn't know what the hell he was doing or how the hell he was doing it, but I was certain I'd need a few aspirin come the morning. On top of everything else, though, it was also starting to majorly piss me off.

  “No.”

  “What?” Jeff barked incredulously.

  “I said no. Screw that. I'll join your club here. Doesn't seem like I have much choice in the matter. But no way am I getting on my knees. You can get one of your lackeys to suck your dick, or whatever it is you want, but you can count me out.”

  “Unbelievable,” said Ozymandias.

  “No fucking way. It can't be,” Jeff spat. “A goddamn Freewill, Ozymandias?! Are you fucking for real?”

  “Don't look at me,” he replied, sounding genuinely surprised. “I had no idea he was one. I wasn't even sure they really existed.”

  The collective hive of vamps burst into excited whispers. I gotta say, absolutely nothing killed the aura of menace that a room full of vampires exuded faster than them deciding to act like a bunch of twelve-year-old girls. On the other hand, at least I could understand something like that, which was good, because I had no clue what Razor and Ozymandias were talking about.

  “Let's not jump to conclusions, Night Razor,” Ozymandias said. “It doesn't take a genius to see he's had you frazzled since you turned him. Who knows? Maybe you're losing your touch. Let me try.” And then he said, “Hear me, Dr. Death. Gah, and I thought Rage Vector was a stupid name. I COMMAND YOU TO HOP ON ONE FOOT!!”

  If Night Razor's voice had rattled in my bones, Ozymandias's sounded like someone had plugged a thousand-watt amp straight into my soul. Christ, I was probably going to hear him reverberating around in my skull for a week. Loud as it was, though, that earlier feeling – to obey Night Razor's commands – just wasn't there. I was either acclimating to it or getting royally pissed off at all the people trying to tell me what the fuck to do. In any case, I remained standing ... on both feet.

  “Well, I'll be staked at high noon!” Ozymandias exclaimed, bursting into laughter. “Oh, this is absolutely brilliant. Can I pick ‘em or what?”

  Night Razor was not nearly as amused. “This isn’t cool, Ozymandias. How the hell am I supposed to maintain order with this fucking thing running around in my coven?”

  “No idea but, fortunately, that's not my problem.”

  “Seriously, you can't leave him here. Take him with you. Maybe the Draculas can dissect him or something.”

  That didn't sound promising.

  “Oh, I'm sure the Draculas will want to hear about him,” Ozymandias replied. “But until I get some definitive word from them, he's part of your coven. I can't interfere.”

  “Fuck that! You've already interfered.”

  Ozymandias shrugged. “Okay, you’ve got me there. I choose not to interfere. Better?”

  “No! That still doesn't help me.”

  “Well, then assign him a babysitter or something. Just stop whining like a little girl about it.”

  Night Razor still wasn't done, though. “James, please.” James?

  “Enough,” barked Ozymandias, the threat returning to his voice. “My ruling stands, end of discussion. The sun will be up in another hour or so. I need to go. Take a little while and think about things, Night Razor. I'm sure a smart fellow like you can come up with something.”

  With that, Ozymandias – or James, or whatever the fuck was up with these guys – turned his back on Razor and faced me. “Good luck to you, my amusing and surprising friend. I don't doubt you'll need it.”

  He retrieved his coat and went straight for the exit, nobody daring to get in his way. A quick slam of the door, and the one person that I had on my side, sorta, was gone. I was alone in a sea of predators.

  The thing is, the predators didn't seem too hungry anymore. Most of them hung back from me, still whispering amongst themselves. After a few minutes of this, Night Razor broke the silence. “Ozymandias is right. Sunrise is right around the corner. You should all be getting back to your nests.”

  When no one made a move to leave, he put some extra juice into his voice. ”NOW, PEOPLE!! GET MOVING!! I DON'T WANT ANYONE GETTING CAUGHT IN THE SUN!! There have been enough dustings for one day. NOW MOVE!!” He couldn't have gotten a better response if he’d personally booted each and every one of them in the ass. Whatever was going on that allowed me to resist his voice, the others either didn't have or chose not to use. So that left a bunch of scrambling vamps with only me and Razor standing still.

  “So ... um ... can I go home now?” I asked as non-confrontationally as I possibly could.

  “Even if I wanted to let you go, which I am still debating, no. The sun is coming up soon and, my personal feelings aside, as one of my coven, I’m bound by our laws to keep you from toasting yourself. Besides which, we are your home now.”

  “Yeah, I get it, blood brothers and all. But I have an apartment, roommates, a job that's going to kick my ass if I don't report in...”

  “You don't get it, do you? Your life is over. All of that is dust now. We are your new family. We are your new life, for however long that might last.” Gulp. “You will stay here for now until I can figure out what to do with you.”

  “Yeah, but...”

  “I INSIST!”