The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  She seemed slightly embarrassed by that. “Alice.”

  “Bill,” I answered in return.

  “Well, Bill, this sumptuous feast is all for you.” She gestured toward the fat, naked, and sweaty ... definitely sweaty... dude. “He was supposed to be Ronda's date, but he showed up late. Poor girl didn't get any points from Jeff.” Oh yeah, poor girl. “But oh well, no point in letting him go to waste.”

  “Thanks ... I guess.” I slowly walked around the table, looking over the unappetizing morsel before me. I felt bad for the guy and wished I could help, but I was still slightly more concerned about my own well-being. Unfortunately, I didn't see any way to get us both out of there alive, especially with the sun still shining. I still didn't have any real proof of what would happen to me, but I'd seen enough movies to know that it probably wouldn't be the smartest thing for me to run out and enjoy the sunshine.

  Sorry, dude, but I'll have to find some other way to even out my karma. I stopped circling and asked, “So, what exactly am I supposed to do?”

  Sally walked over next to Starlight and gave me another eye-roll. Her look said that she wasn't exactly in awe of my presence. “You find an artery or a vein, and then you dig in. The throat is always a good place to start. If they haven't already, your fangs should protrude automatically once you bite down. It's that simple.”

  Upon seeing that I still wasn't making a move, Starlight cooed to Sally, “You really need to learn to be nicer to the virgins.” Virgins? I was starting to feel insulted. “Here, Bill, let me help you out a bit.” She stepped over to the guy and nicked the side of his neck with one of her fingernails. A thin stream of blood started to flow. “Now, close your eyes and smell the blood. Take a few deep breaths of it and let instinct take over.”

  Okay. Guess it was better than standing there looking stupid. I closed my eyes and took a whiff through my nose. Oh, this was idiotic ... wait. Holy crap! I could smell it, and it smelled good ... damn good. It's hard to explain, but as the scent of it drifted in, I actually started salivating. I could also feel my canines elongating – weird feeling, by the way. I guess at some point while I was asleep they somehow retracted. I'd have to practice that, but not right then. At that moment I wanted to ... no, I needed to... eat.

  I bent over the guy, eyes still closed, letting my senses guide me, and bit into where Starlight had opened the wound. Oh my God! Think of the best plate of nachos you've ever eaten, the tastiest margarita you've ever chugged, the best apple pie you've ever enjoyed ... yeah, well, this was all those combined. I had no idea how hungry I’d been until I bit down and swallowed that first taste. It was utterly all consuming, and I wanted to lose myself in it.

  That was a mistake.

  I tried to open up all my senses as I gorged myself. I tasted, I drank, I smelled ... this guy's fucking B.O. This close up, even the glorious scent of the blood couldn't compete with the inglorious scent of the guy. Christ, did no one ever teach this dude about deodorant?

  I opened my eyes and reality came crashing in like an anvil. Was I really sucking on the throat of a fat, naked ... and did I mention sweaty, guy?

  Suddenly the blood didn't taste nearly as good. In fact, I kind of wanted a drink of something stronger to wash it out of my mouth. I immediately pulled away and started backing up across the room.

  “Problem?” Sally asked.

  “I'm sorry. I just can't do this.”

  “You've got to be kidding me. What are you, a fucking vegan?”

  “Aw, I think it's kinda cute,” Starlight cooed. “He can't bring himself to kill someone. That's almost sweet,” she said, completely misinterpreting my actions. While Sally seemed to be pretty much on the ball, this one so far hadn't given me the impression that she was firing on all cylinders.

  “Somehow, I doubt Jeff will think it's sweet,” Sally said. “But him liking you even less isn't really going to matter much at the end of the day. You'd have been better off joining one of those hippie covens up north. Still, I guess I can't let you starve. For the next eighty-nine days or so, you're still our problem.”

  Oh, yeah, I was feeling the love. She walked over to one of the fridges, opened it, and pulled out two liters of what I assumed was blood. I wondered how many donors would be pissed to know they were doing little more than stocking some vampire pantry. More than a few, I'd bet. Of course, this assumed it was from willing donors.

  She tossed me the blood. “Here. These will get you through the day. Take them and go back upstairs. The door's unlocked. Oh, and maybe clean yourself up a little bit. You look kinda gross.” With that said, both she and Starlight turned back to the fat naked (and now bleeding) dude, and ... began undressing?

  “What are you doing?” I asked, watching them strip down to their underwear.

  I was sort of hoping the answer was going to involve them making out with each other and then asking me to join in, but no such luck.

  “We're going to finish your leftovers, obviously,” Starlight answered.

  “And you need to be undressed why?”

  “This is a seventy-dollar blouse. Do you know how much of a bitch bloodstains are to remove?”

  “Now get the fuck back upstairs,” Sally snapped. “This isn't a peep show.” And with that, she kicked me out and shut the door in my face.

  Coming Clean

  I did as told, mostly because I didn't appear to have many other options with the sun still shining. I went back to the third floor and let myself in, then tossed the blood packs onto the table. My appetite was temporarily quashed due to being unable to vanquish thoughts of mouthfuls of ugly man flesh. So instead, I decided to take Sally's advice and wash up a bit.

  I found the bathroom and checked myself out in the mirror. Goddamn! Gross wasn't the word for how I looked. Ignoring for a second that I was covered in fresh blood, I had completely forgotten I still wore the outfit in which I’d been killed. I looked like a bus had run me over and then dragged me through the street for a mile or two. I doubted I smelled much better. I was beginning to wonder how much of downstairs was naked dude stink and how much was me. In fact...

  Wait a second.

  I could see myself in the mirror. Guess that's another of those things Hollywood fucked up. Well, that's convenient. I would hate to go through eternity not being able to tell if I was having a bad hair day. Guys like me had a hard enough time as it were.

  Hold on a second ... what was that on my forehead? Didn't notice it before, what with all the blood. Was that a...

  Son of a bitch! Someone drew a dick on my face! ARGH!

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I stripped and filled the sink with cold soapy water. Starlight had a point about bloodstains, but maybe I could soak some of it out. I dunked my clothes in, being sure to retrieve my emergency twenty first, and climbed into the shower until I felt reasonably non-disgusting. Believe me, that took a while.

  By the time I was done, I felt human again ... or as close to human as I was going to get any time soon. I was just toweling off when I heard the front door open, followed quickly by a knock on the bathroom door. “You in there, Bill?” asked Sally from the other side.

  Feeling renewed after my long shower, I decided to try my luck, no matter how much of a long shot it might be. I pushed away the thought that her breath most likely smelled of naked, fat, sweaty dude at the moment, and replied, “Why don't you come in here and find out?”

  “Keep trying, stud. Maybe in another century or two that'll work,” she snidely remarked. Hey, that wasn't an outright “no”, though, was it? “Put on a towel or something and open up.”

  I did as requested. When I popped open the door, she tossed me a large bundle of clothes and just as quickly closed it again.

  “Something there should fit you.”

  I picked through the clothing. There were several outfits in all. Nothing was perfect, but I managed to find a pair of pants and a shirt that would do. “Where'd this stuff come from?” I asked through the door.

&nb
sp; “You probably don't want to know,” was all the answer I got. My thoughts flashed back to the naked guy, probably now a naked corpse. I doubted that he was the first meal hosted there, nor would he probably be the last. Sally was probably right. Sometimes ignorance was truly bliss.

  I got myself back into presentable condition and stepped out. She was sitting on a couch in what probably passed as the living room. Holding a small mirror, she cleaned the last smudges of blood from her face with a wet wipe. As I approached, I said conversationally, “Gotta say, I was surprised I could still see myself in the mirror.”

  “Yep. It would be a pain in the ass to put on makeup otherwise. So, how are you holding up?”

  “Surprisingly well, all things considered.” Then, after another moment, I asked, “How badly did I embarrass myself?”

  “Forget Alice. I wouldn't worry too much about trying to impress her. First time she tried to kill a meal, she wound up curling into a ball and crying for three hours. She's not your problem. I wasn't kidding about Jeff, though. I get the feeling he's going to be looking for an excuse to like you even less than he already does.”

  “Dudes like him seem to naturally hate guys like me.”

  “Yeah, there's that, and you also turned his balls into mashed potatoes last night,” she commented with a smirk.

  I grinned. “Oh, yeah, I was kinda hoping he'd forget about that.”

  “Would you?”

  I thought about it for a second, then winced and smiled at the same time. “No, I guess I wouldn't forget that spectacular hit anytime soon. So where does that leave me?”

  “In pretty deep shit.”

  “What about all the others?”

  “Outside of you, he can compel pretty much everyone else in the coven. He probably won't have to, though. Almost all of the other guys are little mini Jeffs.”

  “Back in high school, assholes tended to hang with other assholes.”

  “Exactly.”

  “So I'm fucked,” I said, sitting down next to her, but not too close. I had been hit enough times for one weekend.

  “More or less. If you stay here, then definitely. So, if I were you, I wouldn't.”

  My head snapped toward her. “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  “Is that even an option?” I tried to not let myself sound too hopeful, but felt a bit of it creep in nevertheless.

  “I'm pretty sure that's what I just said. Besides, Jeff really doesn't want you around ... at least until he's allowed to have the type of fun with you that he wants to.”

  “But he said last night...”

  “Yeah, well, he had a little while to think about it after he knocked you on your ass. He eventually calmed down enough to think things through. Under normal circumstances, he'd probably enjoy fucking up your shit for the next three months. But, this isn't normal. You're actually problematic for him.”

  “How? I got in one lucky shot. He wiped the floor with me outside of that.”

  “Yes, but you're missing the point. You got in that one lucky shot. Nobody else ever has or would probably even get the chance to. And if you got in one lucky shot, who's to say you won't get in a second or a third? No matter how well Jeff keeps an eye on you, ninety days is enough time for anyone to let their guard down once or twice.”

  “Because he can't control me?”

  “Give that man a cigar. You're a potential source of embarrassment for him. For starters, you talk back. You saw how quickly Jeff shut up Alice last night. That's par for the course around here ... at least before you showed up. From what I've seen of you, I think it's fairly obvious you're the type that just gets more obnoxious as the beatings go on.” She probably had a point. If I was going to get an ass-kicking anyway, I might as well deserve it. “Lastly, you've already shown you're not above taking a cheap shot if the opportunity presents itself.”

  “Can you blame me?”

  “No, but it makes you unpredictable. It's not like he can chain you up somewhere for the next three months, either.”

  “Because of James’s protection?”

  “Yep,” she replied with a nod.

  “And if he did, I'd squeal like a pig to James to fuck him over, no matter what the threat.”

  “Bingo! And James knows how Jeff thinks. He'll definitely be paying a few visits between now and then.”

  “So?” I asked hopefully.

  “So, we compromise a bit. Play with the rules a little.”

  “How?”

  “The ninety-day protection is supposed to give you a chance to learn how to survive as one of us. What better way to learn than finding your own path? At the same time, as part of the coven, we're honor-bound to provide you with basic support, which we will. The fact that you seem to be a wuss...” I narrowed my eyes at her. “Have an aversion to killing, that is, actually works in your favor here. It makes things easier for us since it means we probably don't have to worry about cleaning up any of your messes. So, to cover that, on the weekends you'll report back here and we'll give you enough blood to make it through the week.”

  “And what if I don't come back? What if I decide to make a run for it?”

  She smiled as if expecting this question and got up. She walked over to a desk, opened it, and pulled something out which she then tossed to me. As I caught it, I was not surprised in the least to see it was my wallet.

  “If you run or try to disappear...”

  “You know my name and where I live. You’ll hunt down and kill my friends and family, I suppose.”

  “Smart boy.”

  “I watch a lot of TV.”

  “That doesn't really surprise me.”

  I ignored the barb. “And Jeff came up with this plan?”

  “Fuck no! This was all my idea. All he did was dump your ass on me and wash his hands of the whole thing.”

  “So you came up with all of this?”

  “Don't sound so surprised,” she said, sounding a bit snippy.

  “Sorry, I just wasn't expecting it from...”

  “From someone who looks like me?”

  “Well, yeah,” I said sheepishly. “It's just that, well, this area of the city and all, I kind of had you pegged as...”

  She glared hard at me. “As?”

  “Well, either a model or...”

  “OR?”

  “Or a stripper,” I said in a small voice.

  “You know, you call Jeff an asshole, but you're just as big of one!” she cried. “What would you say if I told you I was a physics major working toward my doctorate when Jeff turned me, huh, asshole?”

  I turned beet red as she continued to berate me.

  “I worked my ass off day and night for a perfect GPA, so I really don't appreciate dickheads like you coming along and assuming that all I'm good for is shaking my ass up on a stage!”

  “Oh God. I'm sorry,” I stammered. ”I didn't mean anything. It's just that...”

  She started grinning again. Before I could question why, she said, “Just fucking with you. I was a stripper.”

  Bitch!

  The Long Road ... err, Train, Back Home

  I sucked down the blood packs Sally had given to me earlier just in case I got hunger pangs on the way home and found myself contemplating chewing on some dirty homeless person. Once that was finished, I got myself together as best I could.