The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Left it in my other dress.”

  “I thought the strip club wasn’t letting you leave your laundry there anymore.”

  She ignored the quip and asked, “So how are you going to celebrate your newfound lease on life?”

  “I’m thinking maybe a few weeks off from the vampire lifestyle. That is, if you think you can hold the fort down.”

  “No problem,” she replied in an innocent tone. “What kind of trouble could I possibly get into?”

  I probably shouldn’t have, but I was tired and my defenses were down. Thus, I couldn’t help but laugh.

  Dating Habits of the Undead

  Before I was allowed to go on my infernal vacation of the damned, Sally wanted me to pop by the Office to take care of some paperwork. The Office was a few blocks from the Loft in SoHo where I’d been turned and had originally associated with our coven’s goings on. What can I say? When one died horribly in a place, one tended to get a little nostalgic for it.

  However, the Loft was ultimately little more than a hangout. The coven had space in lots of buildings in the surrounding area, not to mention the nooks and crannies below street level. One such space was an entire floor of an office building close to NYU. During Jeff’s reign as coven head, the space mostly went unused. A few vamps might have squatted in it during the day, and some used it as a larder for the occasional wayward college student they caught, but that was it.

  Under my leadership, that had all changed. Yeah yeah, it was mostly Sally, but I had to nod and agree to most of it ... emphasis on most. Whatever kudos I had given her for the organizational improvements put into place were completely wiped out by one of the slimier operations she had started for the coven. It creeped the utter shit out of me. Unfortunately, considering the alternatives, it was the lesser of evils ... although it was still pretty fucking evil. I didn’t even like to think about it.

  I passed by that section as quickly as I could, trying really hard to make “la la la I can’t hear you” noises as I did. Sally had, of course, set herself up in a comfy corner office from which to supposedly oversee the coven’s paperwork. Yeah, okay, whatever she liked to call it. However, even a blind man could see she enjoyed playing queen bee.

  I normally wouldn’t have cared, but despite my status as coven master, I didn’t seem to have an executive suite here with my nameplate on it. Still, considering the business going on just a few yards away, maybe that wasn’t a bad thing. I lost enough sleep over it as it was.

  I approached Sally’s office and saw a familiar face seated outside of it. “Hey, Starlight, what’s up? How the hell did Sally sucker you into playing secretary for her?”

  She looked up, flashed me a nervous smile, then quickly averted her eyes. “It’s no problem, Bill. I don’t mind helping,” she answered with a little quiver to her voice.

  Starlight’s real name was Alice. She had been given her nickname by Jeff as part of the ridiculous pseudonym campaign he had enforced for all vampires in the coven. That rule was the first thing I’d tossed out the window, but a lot of the coven had decided to keep their “code names” regardless. Starlight was one of them.

  She was a stacked ... well, Nubian goddess was probably the best term for it. She had been working on a career as a model before being turned. Despite the fact that she appeared younger than my twenty-five years, I knew she was almost twice my age. She wasn’t the sharpest tool in our shed, but despite an outer veneer of vampire attitude, she seemed to be one of the few amongst us who genuinely cared about her coven-mates. As a result, she was also one of the few that I genuinely liked.

  Unfortunately, due to the outer guise I had to keep up, she was also completely scared shitless of me. I kind of felt bad about it, but not nearly bad enough to let it slip that a lot of my bravado was bullshit. The rest of the coven could smell weakness like a school of sharks. I had little doubt they’d turn on me if they suspected I wasn’t nearly the badass I tried to pretend to be.

  I also had little doubt that Sally had used Starlight’s fear of me to manipulate her into her current situation, but there wasn’t much I could do to fix things right at that moment. Or maybe there was...

  “I have business with Sally,” I said with a sneer. “Go take a coffee break ... a long one.” I gave her a glare with my fangs bared, and that was all she needed to vacate the premises. As I watched Starlight run off, I heard Sally’s door creak open behind me, followed by an annoyed exhale. Thanks to her vampire hearing, she no doubt knew what had happened. Heh!

  “You know, I should report you for harassing my employees,” she said in a dry voice from behind me.

  “Take it up with the labor board.” I turned toward her. “You can always hire a temp.”

  “True enough,” she answered, showing me a smile full of fangs. “Besides, if they don’t work out ... well, the severance plan is a killer.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We spent the next hour or so going over various coven-related business. Sally had the final tally of casualties from the fight with the HBC. Eight of our vampires were dusted. All of them were assholes, so I’d be shedding minimal tears on their behalf. She wanted to start recruiting new members immediately, but I put the kibosh on that until I got back. Since there were rituals involved with indoctrinating new members that I, as coven head, had to oversee (stupid college-like rituals ... but rituals the same), this was one area I was confident that she wouldn’t immediately set about doing the opposite of what I said.

  We were finally starting to wrap up, Ye gods, even the dead can’t escape from bureaucratic red tape! When we were just about finished, I asked, “So what should we tell the others?”

  “About what?”

  “About me,” I clarified.

  “That you’re a dumpy, four-eyed, piss-poor excuse for a vampire,” she said with that sickeningly sweet smile of hers.

  “About my vacation.”

  “Oh, that? I don’t think there’ll be much problem there. Word of your victory over Samuel is already starting to spread throughout the membership.”

  “Let me guess. You’re helping that along, right?”

  She smiled. “Well, I was the only witness, after all. Needless to say, I doubt too many of the coven are going to be bugging you about your personal business. Just in case they do, though, we can fall back onto some of the typical Freewill bullshit we’ve used before. I was thinking, if it comes down to it, maybe your animalistic urges got the better of you. I could always say I was busy trying to track your feral ass down for a couple of weeks.”

  I thought about it for a second. “That could work.”

  “Just be sure to muddy yourself up a bit before you come back.”

  “No prob. We done here?”

  “Almost,” Sally cooed. Uh oh. “I was going to give you an update on the hotline.”

  I stood up, almost knocking the chair over. “I told you! I don’t want to know about the hotline.”

  “You need to know about the hotline. Without the hotline, we’d be back to where we were. You were the one who forbade us from trolling the raves or luring in the uglies.”

  The hotline had been all Sally’s idea, but as coven head I had to pretend I’d given it my blessing. The funny thing was, since the whole idea was so insanely evil at its core, it had actually enhanced my reputation in the coven. It’s a good thing I didn’t need nearly as much sleep as I used to because I sure as hell wound up losing a lot of it over this.

  Sally had used coven funds to purchase several 1-800 and 900 numbers. Between sundown and sunrise, coven volunteers manned the phones of what was becoming a fairly well-trafficked suicide prevention hotline. The ground rules were disturbingly simple. It was pretty much Vegas casino odds, basically a 70/30 payout. Most of the people who called would actually be given help, either through talking them through their troubles or outright giving them a minor compulsion over the phone – since vampires could compel humans, too, albeit not as easily as they could other vamps. The rest ... w
ell, as Sally put it, they were the sad statistics of the world.

  I had enough sway to insist that kids were off limits. Fortunately, there were no real arguments there from anyone. Adult bodies held more blood anyway. As for the rest ... generally speaking, the coven went after two types via the hotline. The first were those who were genuinely going to do it anyway, regardless of intervention. The others were your basic attention whores, those types you read about standing on the edge of a bridge, snarling up traffic for three hours with constant cries of “I’m gonna do it!” until such time as they didn’t.

  Truth be told, that latter group didn’t bother me quite as much. There were enough assholes in the city as it were. Still, this was creepy ass business, and some days I would wrack my brain trying to come up with something better. I mean, think about it: there you are, depressed and thinking dark thoughts. You call up a place to discuss your problems, only for it to turn out that the voice at the other end was sizing you up as an hors d’oeuvre. Not cool.

  Sure, there was always bottled blood as a substitute. That worked for some of us. Unfortunately, a good chunk of the coven considered themselves to be active predators. They were actually blood snobs and didn’t like anything that wasn’t still warm and fresh. Psycho assholes! I either had to appease that need or try to stake each and every one of them. I didn’t particularly favor my odds of doing the latter, thus I had to accept that part of being a vampire meant there was a lot of shit I was going to have to toughen myself up about.

  I shook my head to clear it. Sally wasn’t going to let me go until I dealt with it. “Fine. How’s the hotline doing?” I asked through clenched teeth.

  “It’s doing great!” she replied with a chipper little voice. Part of it appeared to be genuine enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I knew the other part of her cheerfulness came from knowing how uncomfortable the hotline made me. Sally derived way too much amusement from doing things that she knew annoyed the ever not-living shit out of me.

  “We got a mention in an editorial in the Post,” she continued. “And guess what else?”

  “What?”

  “We got approved as a nonprofit. That means government grants and a huge fucking tax break at the end of the year.”

  I sighed disgustedly. “How do you sleep at night?”

  She kept right on beaming as she replied, “On a comfy bed, and usually next to guys much better looking than you.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  On the way back home, I had at least one bright spot about the hotline to think about: Tom. I had kept both of my roommates up to date on the goings on in the vampire world, despite the fact that I wasn’t supposed to. They were two of my best friends, and I used them as sounding boards when I needed to bitch about things. Besides which, they really loved the fact that there was an actual supernatural underworld and they were amongst the few humans to know about it.

  With regards to the hotline, Ed had been as disgusted as I. Tom’s response was more practical, though. He made it a point to crank call them every opportunity he got. It was mostly stupid shit, but he had made one or two that would have been Jerky Boys worthy. I knew it pissed off Sally, even if she didn’t mention it. However, there was absolutely nothing she could do. I had given specific orders amongst the coven that my friends and family were on the do not eat list. Considering that all the vampires in a twenty-mile radius thought I now had two master vampire dustings under my belt, I was fairly confident of not being crossed on that one. Tom could fuck with them to his heart’s content and he had my undying approval to do so.

  Unfortunately, my blessings to crank away had to wait. I got back to my apartment in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn and found only Ed at home.

  “How’d it go?” he greeted me, momentarily diverting his attention from the TV.

  “About like you’d expect. Doesn’t matter, though. I’m officially off the clock for a few weeks.”

  “Cool. So what are you gonna do now that you’re not Dr. Death?” he replied, bringing up my old coven pseudonym. Despite my having abolished the “superhero name rule” as I liked to think of it, my roommates still used it to refer to the persona I had to keep up around the others. The funny thing was that I did, too. In my mind, Dr. Death was the dark beast inside of me who took care of the nasty business and wasn’t one to fuck with. It was all crap, of course, but sometimes it helped me think through things.

  “For starters, I think I’ll be happy to sit back and not worry about monsters trying to kill me or vice versa.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” he said dismissively, turning back to his show.

  “Tom out?” I asked, sitting down on the opposite side of the couch. Iron Chef was on. I could dig that.

  “Yep. He actually has a date.”

  “Really?” I asked with some surprise in my voice. “They decide to let farm animals back into the city?”

  Ed chuckled. He wasn’t the most emotional person on the planet, but he could always appreciate a good dig.

  “No, with an actual girl,” he replied. “Yeah, I know, surprised the hell out of me, too. Some chick he met at work.”

  That could be interesting. Tom was a low level drone on Wall Street with aspirations of brown-nosing his way up the corporate ladder. According to him, most of the people who worked there fell into two categories: the work hard, play hard types that mostly had a nervous breakdown by the age of forty, and the boring-as-all-fuck crowd, AKA the types who got into finance for the sheer thrill of managing budgets. So if Tom was dating a girl from work, that meant he was either tied up in some S&M dungeon getting his brains fucked right out of his head, or they were sitting down somewhere discussing the finer points of well-constructed spreadsheets. Knowing Tom’s luck with women, which was only marginally better than my own, I hoped his Excel skills were up to the task.

  “Oh, yeah, your dad left a message for you,” Ed said, changing the subject.

  “What’d he say?”

  “Do I look like your hot ass little secretary?”

  “Sally’s not my secretary. You know that.”

  “Yeah, from the sound of things, it’s more like you’re her secretary.”

  “Some days I’m not so sure I’d disagree.” I got up to listen to whatever it was my parents had to say.

  “She does have a hot ass, though.”

  “Not arguing that point in the least,” I answered, hitting play and then going to the fridge to grab myself a pint of blood.

  Truth be told, I should have probably been a little more interested when my parents called me. Several months back, I had been given the scare of a lifetime when Jeff claimed to have kidnapped my mother. It had all been a misunderstanding ... mostly because he was little more than a complete idiot, but it had still scared the crap out of me at the time. For a while there, I had tried to be a lot closer to my mom and dad. Jeff’s scheme had given me a new appreciation for them. However, time tended to make us forget these things. By now, we were more or less back to our typical relationship, consisting of the occasional call and me more or less yessing them to death when they asked questions about my life. I listened to the message and deleted it. I’d text Dad later to let him know it was cool.

  “What’s up with your folks?” Ed asked as I returned to my seat.

  I took a sip from my blood. “They’re heading to A.C. for the weekend to piss away my inheritance. Their neighbors are away, so they have nobody to watch the cats.”

  Ed gave an amused sniff in return. “Cat sitting, huh? You vampires get all the cool gigs.”

  “Tell me about it. Hey, you wanna head down with me? Dad bought a sixty-inch plasma TV a while back, full HD. Got a pretty sweet sound system to go with it, too.”