The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Unfortunately, she was only part of the problem. I had a trio – or what I assumed were a trio, nobody had actually seen them and lived to give a tally yet – of assassins in the city, gunning for my ass. There had to be some way both to keep them from killing me and convince Gan to go back home with them. Unfortunately, for the life of me I had absolutely no clue as to how to do that. If I somehow, through some miracle, lived long enough to join the Draculas, I was going to institute a policy of talking through our troubles. Maybe start each of our meetings out with a group hug. Yeah, that could work ... maybe.

  Oh well, hopefully all of that could wait until the morning. Most vampires were strictly night people. For those keeping score, I was, too, but, since I had a job to do, I had trained myself to be able to function during daylight hours ... minus maybe any sunbathing. If we could make it until then, I could be relatively sure of a few hours of peace, during which the assassins would be sleeping and I could maybe think of something to do.

  Speaking of sleeping, I was also wondering what the arrangements were going to be. I had given Gan my bed the night before, and I would probably do so again, but that left Sally. I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to be all that enamored with sharing a bed with the little girl who called her a whore with every other breath. Maybe Tom would be out again, and she could take his room ... after getting extensive instructions of what not to touch. Yeah, this was going to be a disaster.

  Before stopping at my building, we did a quick circuit of the block to allow Gan to sniff out whether Nergui and his buddies were anywhere close by. After a few minutes, she stopped and wrinkled her nose.

  “They are not here ... but there is something,” she said.

  “Define ‘something’,” I replied

  “There is something ... unnatural in the air.”

  “But no vampires?” Sally asked.

  “No. There are no other vampires near. But there is...”

  “Listen, honey,” said Sally. “This is New York. Pretty much everything smells unnatural here. If there’re no vamps, I say we’re golden.”

  I shrugged and replied to Gan, “Sally’s got a point. You’re probably just getting a whiff of the streets in general. Tomorrow’s garbage day, after all.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I unlocked the front door and led the way up. Gan took middle and Sally brought up the rear. We reached my door and I let us in. I was a little surprised to see that the lights were all still on considering the late hour. However, it wasn’t unheard of. I soon saw why. Tom and Ed were both up. They were seated on the couch, facing the ... still broken TV?

  “Hey, guys!” I said. “Hope you don’t mind, but we have guests.” I waited for a moment, expecting a tirade from Ed since I imagined he was still pretty pissed about the whole Gan thing, but neither of them said a word. “Sorry for the late notice, but there’s some shit going down. Sally and Gan need to stay here for maybe a few days. Oh yeah, Tom, this is Gan.”

  There was still no acknowledgment from either of them. They both sat in the same place, quiet and unmoving. Odd. Even with Tom not knowing Gan and Ed not liking her, I would have expected them to have bolted around fast enough to cause whiplash at the first mention of Sally. When this continued for a few more seconds, I began to get an idea of what was going on.

  “Are you sure they are still living?” asked Gan with casual indifference. Alive or dead, humans were probably pretty much the same thing to her.

  Sally gave a puzzled look. “Yoo-hoo, guys! I’m here ... so are my breasts if you want to stare at them.” After a moment, she turned toward me. “I agree with Gan. You might want to check them for a pulse.”

  I shook my head and smiled. “I’ve seen this before.”

  “You have?” asked Sally, her tone dubious.

  “Yeah. A couple of years ago, our old TV went out. Cash was kind of tight back then. So, until we could replace it, we used to get completely shitfaced stoned in the evenings, then sit there and watch the TV in our minds.” Ah yes, the good old days.

  “That is probably the most pathetic thing I have ever heard in my life.”

  “I do not fully understand what you are saying,” Gan likewise commented, “and even I find myself agreeing with the whore.”

  “Will you stop calling me that?!” Sally snapped.

  “Perhaps when you stop acting like one. Besides, that is unimportant right now. What matters is that Dr. Death is wrong about his friends.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  Gan gave me a look as if to say one of us here was a stupid child and it wasn’t her. “Your friends are obviously bewitched.”

  “Bewitched?”

  “Yes, magic,” she continued. “Can neither of you smell it? It is as plain as the...”

  Unfortunately, if Gan was able to finish her sentence, I never knew. As she spoke, a bright, yellowish light flashed in the room. Before I could even begin to wonder what happened, it had engulfed me. As it did, all rational thoughts immediately scattered to the wind.

  Magically Delicious

  I was back in the tent with my three clothing-impaired female companions. We were picking up, with great enthusiasm, where we had left off. Why I had ever left this place was beyond me. Actually, maybe I hadn’t left after all. I mean, here I was. Maybe I had just dozed off and dreamt all of that crap. Yeah, that made sense. Now it was time to show these babes the true meaning of vigorous.

  We were all rolling around, having a good time, when I finally ended up on my back. I turned my head to the side and saw Ed lying there just a few feet from me. He had his own female companionship busy nuzzling his neck while grinding away on top of him.

  “S’up, bro?”

  “Hey, Bill,” he called back, a big grin on his face.

  “What? No ‘hi’ for me?” the girl on top of him said, turning around to face me.

  “Hey, Sally! What are you doing here?” I cheerfully inquired.

  “Oh, just fucking your roommate like a good little whore.”

  “Good for you,” I answered back.

  “When your other buddy gets here, do you want me to take care of him, too?” she purred, running her nails down Ed’s chest.

  “Entirely up to you, babe. Personally, I say you snooze you lose.”

  “Whatever you say, Bill. You’re the boss.”

  Yes, I am, I thought, getting back into my own groove.

  “Bill! What are you doing?” asked a voice from my other side. I turned my head and met Gan’s accusing eyes.

  “I’m kind of busy, Gan. Can you come back later?”

  “No, I cannot,” she said with an insisting tone. “Our wedding is now. You will be late!”

  “Don’t worry,” I assured her. “I’ll be finished here soon enough, thanks to my lack of stamina.”

  “Bill...” she called again.

  “Bill!”

  “BILL!”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “BILL, WAKE UP!!”

  Let it be known that a vampiric compulsion makes one hell of an alarm clock. I snapped out of the dream with a jolt. A part of me was sad to see it go, but the rational part of me that neither wanted to see my roommate naked nor wished for Gan to watch me having sex was fairly relieved to see it go back to the realm of my fucked up subconscious.

  I lifted my hands to rub my eyes ... correction, tried to lift my hands. They didn’t seem to be making much headway. For a moment, I had an intense feeling of panic that maybe my hands didn’t move because I didn’t have them or, for that matter, a body anymore. Living forever as the equivalent of a talking bowling ball did not particularly appeal to me.

  Fortunately, it quickly passed, though, as I looked down and saw I was still properly attached to my favorite parts. I simply couldn’t move any of them. Odd.

  I was sitting upright in a chair, that much was obvious. However, I didn’t seem to be restrained by anything. I tried again to move ... nothing. Okay, it was time to force the issue and put a little of
that vaunted vampire strength to use. I struggled again, and this time ... OUCH!! Suddenly, it felt like both my arms were on fire. I glanced down and saw they were actually smoking. What the fuck?

  “I was just about to warn you not to try that,” Sally said.

  I turned toward the sound of her voice and saw that she was seated about two feet to my left. She must have been the one who compelled me to wake as I saw that Gan, a little further down and seated in her own chair, was apparently still out cold. Sally likewise appeared to be unbound in any way. Yet, like me, she was unmoving.

  “Are you okay?” I asked groggily.

  “I’d say we’re a bit closer to fucked than we are to okay,” said another voice to my right. I turned my head to see my roommates. They were seated like me with the exception of actually being tied up with rope. Tom was the one who had spoken. Ed’s eyes were open, but he looked like he was still out of it.

  I craned my head to look around. We were definitely not in our apartment. But where? It seemed kind of familiar...

  Wait, it seemed familiar because it was familiar, as in I had been here just a few short hours ago.

  “Are we at the Loft?” I asked Sally.

  “Looks like it.”

  “I guess the question is, why?”

  “Christy,” Tom replied.

  “What?”

  “Christy ... you know, my girlfriend? The one I tried to tell you about earlier when you blew me off.”

  “What about her? You said she was a bitch or something.”

  “I said she was a witch.”

  “Aren’t all women?” slurred Ed.

  I ignored him and asked, “So why do you think she’s a witch?”

  “Well, for starters she told me,” Tom said. “Secondly...” he glanced around at us all. “Duh!”

  “Point taken,” I conceded. “Sally, what do you know about witches?”

  “They like ruby slippers?”

  “Not particularly helpful.”

  “Sorry. What do you want me to say? I’ve never met one aside from a few of those Wiccan hippies. All I know are stories.”

  “Well, since we all seem to be gathered ‘round the campfire, why don’t you tell us one?”

  “I don’t know much. Supposedly we’ve tangled with them in the past. But we’re talking King Arthur and Knights of the Round Table timeframes here.”

  “I guess the question then is, why is one tangling with us now? How would she even know we’re vampires?”

  At that, Tom made a slight coughing noise.

  “What the hell did you do, dipshit?” Sally hissed at him.

  “I might have kind of told her Bill was a vampire,” he replied sheepishly.

  “Kind of?”

  “Well, she seemed to already suspect it ... no idea how, but I guess she needed me to confirm it.”

  I gritted my teeth. “And you did?”

  “Dude, sorry. I didn’t think anything of it, and she can do these things with her mouth that would cause you to lose your fucking mind.”

  “It’s so nice to know that the secret of our existence is up for grabs to the first bimbo who gives you a blowjob,” snarled Sally.

  “If it helps, it was a really good blowjob.”

  “It doesn’t!” she replied in a tone that said she’d gladly break my “no killing the roommates” rule had she been able to. Right at that moment, I might have even been tempted to let her. Still, that wouldn’t exactly get us out of this mess.

  “Okay, enough! What’s done is done,” I Interrupted. “Tom, I accepted the fact that you’re a fucking dumbass years ago. I guess I can’t fault you for being you.”

  “I can,” said Sally.

  “Save it for later,” I snapped.

  “You know,” Tom said, trying to change the subject. “It’s kind of weird.”

  “What is? I can think of about fifty weird things right now off the top of my head.”

  “Well, think about it,” he continued. “Six months ago, if someone had told us they’d seen a ghost, we’d have laughed our asses off at them. But today ... well, have you noticed how lately we can’t take a crap without running into some creature straight out of a fairy tale?”

  “Come to think of it, I guess you’re right. That is a bit weird,” I replied. “However, it’s not really too relevant to our situation. For now, we should probably be wondering why we’re here and why Sally and I can’t move.”

  “I can answer that,” said an unfamiliar voice from behind us.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The owner of the voice stepped into my line of sight. She was a cute brunette of average height and wearing a simple white dress. She had a pretty nice figure, along with bright blue eyes and what I guessed was at least a C-cup rack. I could see what Tom saw in her.

  “Nice to meet you, Christy,” I said dryly.

  “Likewise, Bill. I’ve heard a lot about you,” she said with a sly smile.

  I threw a glare at Tom. “So I’ve heard.”

  She smiled. “Don’t be mad at him. We’ve been aware of you for a while now. I just needed to confirm our suspicions.”

  “We?”

  Before she could answer, though, Tom had to jump in and do his best to help the situation along. “Are you saying you just used me ... like a piece of meat?” He looked thoughtful for a moment and then added, “I guess I can live with that.”

  Christy walked over to him and playfully ruffled his hair. “And who says I’m through using you?”

  Sally made a gagging sound. “I don’t suppose you’d mind killing me now before I throw up in my mouth?”

  Tom ignored her outburst and said to Christy, “Sorry, babe. As much as I like being used in that way, it’s not cool when you mess with my buds. I’m thinking that might put a damper on our relationship ... as in welcome to Dumpsville, population you.”

  She gave him a pouty look in return, but didn’t remove her hand from his head. “Well then, lover, it’s a good thing you won’t remember any of this.”

  She started chanting under her breath. It was low, but it had an odd echo to it, almost as if she were hooked up to an amp set to reverb. Within a few seconds, the hand on Tom’s head actually started to glow in a yellow light. His body convulsed once and then his eyes glazed over and closed.

  For a second, I was too stunned to speak. Fortunately, Sally managed to blurt out what I should have. “What the fuck did you do to him?”

  “Nothing much,” the witch replied. “Just erased the last four hours from his memories and sent him off to LaLa land for a while.”