The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Sheila stood her ground, no fear evident on her face despite everything that had happened. As the little SpongeBob-toting demon approached, though, her silver-colored eyes widened in recognition.

  “Becky?”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Oh yeah, I had almost forgotten they’d briefly met. In a lame attempt to cover the fact that she and Decker had just barely escaped a nasty death, I had told her Gan was my niece. It was one of the poorer lies of my life, and I was still surprised that at the time I hadn’t immediately been called on it.

  Gan stopped about ten feet from where Sheila stood, Benny standing behind her being ... well, kinda useless.

  I raised the gun and pointed it at Gan’s back. If she so much as twitched the wrong way...

  Then she did the thing I least expected. She put her hands together in front of her and bowed. Okay, did I miss something? Was it possible she didn’t know that the person standing before her was the legendary bane of all vampire kind?

  “It is an honor to meet you, Shining One. Your arrival has been foretold.” So much for that theory. Gan was apparently well aware of who she was in the presence of. What the hell was she doing, then?

  “Am I missing something here?” Sally asked, stepping forward.

  Gan glanced back and smiled at me over the huge hand cannon. “I see you still keep company with the whore, Dr. Death. I would have thought you would have grown tired of her.”

  Even in the middle of the storm, I saw Sally’s fangs extend. Oh crap.

  “All right,” I said, stepping forward, lowering the gun in the process. “Let’s all calm down.”

  “Dr. Death?” Sheila asked.

  “Heh, it’s kind of a nickname ... long story.”

  “Trust me, there’s a good deal of irony involved,” Sally added.

  Sheila looked utterly perplexed, probably for a combination of reasons. “Who is this ... really?”

  Gan let out a giggle. It made her sound much younger than she really was. Bowing again, she replied, “I am Gansetseg, Shadow Mistress of Asia and heir to the throne of the great Khans.”

  “Um ... nice to meet you, Gansetseg,” Sheila replied, sounding about as confused as I felt. She turned to me. “She’s not your niece, is she?”

  “Heh, sorry about that. It was the best I could come up with at the time. She’s actually...”

  “I am his betrothed,” Gan interrupted.

  “What?”

  “No she’s not!” I shouted.

  “Of course I am,” Gan replied as if it were written in stone. “We are destined to be together.”

  “Like them a little young, don’t you?” Sheila asked, causing Sally to chuckle.

  I sighed. “It’s not like that. For starters, Gan is three hundred years old.”

  “Three hundred and twenty six to be exact, beloved.”

  “Stop calling me that.” Jesus Christ! As if this whole thing wasn’t difficult enough.

  “You cannot escape your destiny.”

  “Watch me.”

  “You’re a vampire too?” Sheila asked. She was still holding her sword, but appeared slightly more relaxed.

  “Of course, Shining One.”

  “Then why...”

  “Why what?”

  “Why aren’t you busy trying to tear her a new asshole?” Sally finished for her, as usual doing the exact opposite of diffusing the situation.

  “Uh, yeah ... something like that.” Sheila said as she gave Sally a sideways glance. Oh, I was so fucked. Next time, I really needed to mount a rescue mission alone.

  “Is it not obvious?” Gan replied.

  “Not really.”

  “That is also Dr. Death’s destiny. It is the fate of my beloved to kill you.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Heh, she doesn’t mean that,” I quickly added.

  “Of course I do. The prophecies are quite specific, up to a point. My father insisted I study them intimately.”

  “Your father?” Sheila asked.

  “Do not listen to them, Blessed One,” Benny hissed from behind her, caressing his recently retrieved cross. “They are deceivers, each and every one of them.”

  “Please, Benjamin. Not now.”

  “Dr. Death, this human is insolent,” Gan mused. “Is he your friend as well?”

  The threat was obvious, but Benny seemed oblivious to it. “I am no friend to these minions of Satan. I shall not...”

  “Ben, you need to...” Sheila warned, but I cut her off.

  “Yes, Gan. That’s us, all good friends here. Best of buds in fact. He just has an odd ... err ... sense of humor.”

  Both Sheila and I fixed him with hard glares. We were trying to save the fuckhead’s life and he didn’t even realize it. Fortunately, she held some sway over him. He finally averted his gaze from hers and lowered his eyes. Heh, dude was totally whipped. Oh well, it beat him being flayed alive ... barely. The guy was a tool.

  Seeing that Benny had been reined in, Sheila turned back toward the pint-sized she-demon. “You were saying, Gansetseg?”

  Gan continued as if she hadn’t been interrupted. “My father, the great Khan, had me study the words of our prophets. Dr. Death is the reborn Freewill of our people. It is his destiny to lead our forces in battle in the coming days. The twilight of man is at hand. Many will fall as we clash against our ancient enemies...”

  Holy shit. In the confusion, I had completely forgotten about that. “Yeah, a clash that you caused,” I said, stepping in front of her and pointing my finger accusingly.

  “You are welcome, my love.”

  “That wasn’t a thank you! You sacrificed Nergui and started a fucking war.”

  “What war?” Sheila asked.

  “The war that my beloved is destined to be victorious in,” Gan replied, ignoring my outburst. Grrr!

  I remembered the gun in my hand and tightened my grip on it. It was so tempting. All I had to do was shoot the little bitch’s head clean off.

  “Wait,” Sheila said, interrupting my violent fantasies. “They called you the Freewill earlier too, right Bill?”

  Uh oh. “Yeah, it’s kind of a stupid name.”

  “The Templar told me of something they called the Night Spawn.”

  “Yes,” Benny said, “a demon of unspeakable...”

  I raised a hand to massage the bridge of my nose. “Benny, do us all a favor and shut the fuck up. You’re not helping.” Hopefully he got the hint that time. Goddamn, he was dense.

  “How dare you...”

  “Listen, dude,” Ed said, stepping up to him. “You don’t seem to be grasping the picture here. You see Dora the fucking psycho explorer over there?” he asked, hooking a thumb toward Gan. “Let me tell you, she doesn’t fuck around. If I were you, I’d keep my fucking mouth shut before she decides to turn you into a walking Capri Sun.”

  “I do not fear death. I am...”

  “Benjamin, enough!” Sheila snapped, the authority once more coming through her voice. “Please don’t interrupt again.”

  I flashed her a brief smile of gratitude. Amazingly enough, she returned it. Regardless of whatever bullshit the Templars had been filling her head with, it seemed she finally understood that I was on her side.

  “The Templar spoke of this Night Spawn,” she continued. “They said it was a creature beyond the normal vampires, one that couldn’t be controlled...”

  “Yeah, that’s probably me. The other vamps can’t compel ... err ... control me. Really pisses them off,” I replied, somewhat mollified. It was nice to know that others had different names for me, ones that were a whole helluva lot cooler sounding than Freewill. Night Spawn ... I could get used to that.

  “Yes,” Gan said, taking over the conversation again. “One and the same. Your destinies are intertwined, Shining One. In the final days of the war, as our enemies wane, you shall stand tall – the last defense of humanity against the coming darkness. You and Dr. Death shall clash in a battle of glorious proportions.”

/>   “And Bill is going to kill me?”

  “No,” I insisted.

  “The seers cannot say. The outcome remains a mystery,” Gan replied, again ignoring me. “But I have faith in my beloved. It is his destiny to conquer you. Once that is accomplished, I shall stand by his side so we may rule this world for all eternity.”

  “Whoa there,” I said. “Why do I have the feeling that the seers don’t have anything to say about that last part?”

  “They do not need to. I know it in my heart. There can be no other outcome.”

  “I’m not going to kill Sheila.”

  “Of course you are, just as she will be the death of the Magi. It is your...”

  “Okay, enough of this.” I had heard enough destiny bullshit to last me the next several lifetimes. “We’re tired, most of us are hurt, and I’m sure the police will be along any moment now to...”

  “They will not,” Gan said calmly. “My followers have already dealt with them.”

  “What?!” Sheila and I exclaimed.

  “Do not fear. I can assure you, they were dispatched with utmost efficiency.”

  “You killed them?” Sheila asked, shocked. Oh boy. This had potential to turn ugly.

  “Of course,” Gan replied. “Uncontrolled humans cannot know of our existence, at least not until we are ready to rule them.”

  “Uncontrolled?” Ed asked. Gan just admitted to wholesale slaughter and that was the thing that bothered him? Jeez, talk about fucked up priorities.

  “Does Dr. Death not hold you under constant threat of evisceration?”

  “Gan, Ed is my friend. I already explained that.”

  “Hold on, a second here,” Sheila said. “How many people did you kill?”

  “All of the authorities within a kilometer radius.”

  “What do you mean threat of evisceration?” Ed asked.

  Sheila rounded on him for that. “What is wrong with you? We’re talking about people dying here.”

  “Says the girl with the three foot broadsword,” he quipped.

  “This isn’t a joke!”

  “Isn’t it?” Sally replied. “Listen, you’re new to this, I get it. I was there once too.” She raised her hands and continued in a faux panicky voice. “‘Oh my, you’re vampires. Killing people is sooo evil.’”

  “Is your whore always so melodramatic?” Gan asked.

  Now it was Sally’s turn to lose it. “You want to see melodramatic, you little...”

  “Enough!” I growled, amazed to find myself the lone voice of sanity. “More walking, less histrionics please.”

  “And you’re okay with all of this, Bill?” Sheila asked me, semi-accusingly.

  “No,” I replied, stepping toward her. “I’m about as far from okay as you can get and still stay sane, but it is what it is. This is the hand I’ve been dealt. I’m doing the best I can. I hate to say it, but Sally has a point. The world you knew is done, over, finito. This...” I waved my hands about. “...is what we have now and it isn’t a very nice place to be. It’s bloody and corpse-filled and it’s only going to get worse.” I lowered my voice. “You were never supposed to be a part of it. I’m sorry about that.”

  “You need not apologize for destiny, beloved.”

  ARGH! I spun toward Gan. “What are you even doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be back in Mongolia terrorizing your subjects?”

  “Your concern for my people makes my heart swell, but fear not. Our defenses are quite adequate. Should the Alma attack in my absence, they will find their mettle well tested.”

  Sheila asked Ed what the Alma were, but I decided to let him field that one. I was still dealing with Gan. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

  “Patience, my betrothed.” Motherfucker! She liked saying that a little too much for my personal comfort. “I am getting to that. I have been watching you...”

  “What?” A chorus of voices, mine included, replied.

  “Yes. Ever since my father’s death, I have kept watch on your actions from the seat of power in Boston. There are people loyal to me amongst their number.”

  “You’ve been spying on me?”

  “Of course. Would you have me do any different? Word reached me two days ago of the destruction of your coven and your involvement with the Shining One.”

  “I knew Colin wouldn’t be able to keep his fucking mouth shut,” Sally muttered under her breath.

  “Needless to say, I ordered my assassins to commandeer an aircraft immediately.”

  “That’s fascinating Gan, truly it is,” I replied, trying to keep the conversation away from the topic of mass murder. I doubted she and her people simply asked to borrow a plane. The peace we had was pretty tenuous as it was.

  “Not to mention creepy as all hell,” Ed added.

  “Don’t think I’m discounting that,” I said, “but first things first. We should probably get the fuck out of here.”

  “And you’re just assuming I’m going to come with you?” Sheila asked, stopping us as a group.

  “Well ... yeah.”

  “I am coming with you, Dr. Death.” Gan added cheerfully.

  “You are?”

  “Of course.”

  “Sorry, we didn’t bring a kiddie seat with us,” Sally quipped.

  “Your whore is being insolent again.”

  “Yeah, she does that,” I replied, immediately dragging Ed between Sally and me, before turning back to Sheila. “You need to come with us. It’s not safe here.”

  “It was until you arrived.”

  Ouch, touché. “They would have found you eventually, trust me. Decker was obsessed and vampires don’t give up easily.”

  “Do not listen to him,” Benny chimed in, having found his voice again. “Let’s go back. Perhaps some of my brothers survived.”

  “I highly doubt that,” I replied.

  “Brothers?” Gan asked.

  “Yes, vampire. We are the Templar. Humble servants sworn to do God’s bidding.”

  At this, Gan actually started giggling, drawing all of our attention to her.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Don’t you see, beloved? This proves my point about destiny. The Templar were believed to have been wiped out at the time of the last known Icon’s death.”

  “Last known Icon?”

  “Yes,” Benny replied. “Her Holiness, Jeanne d’Arc.”

  “Joan of Arc?”

  “The same. The Blessed One wields her blade.”

  “I do?” Sheila asked, obviously as surprised as the rest of us.

  “Don’t tell our other roommate that,” Ed replied. “He’ll have it up on Ebay within the hour.”

  “How dare you profane...” Benny started, but Gan cut him off.

  “See, it is destiny, beloved.”

  “Wasn’t Joan of Arc burnt at the stake?” Sheila asked, still eying the broadsword with awe.

  “It depends which history you believe,” Gan replied offhandedly.

  I ignored the rest and concentrated on leading us out of there. It was really starting to come down, and it wasn’t exactly a warm summer rain either – probably because it wasn’t summer. In addition to being horrifically wounded, now I was cold and wet. Add Gan to the mix, and the day wasn’t exactly going swimmingly.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Fortunately, Sally tended to go big when she stole something. We’d be in for a bit of a problem had we driven up in a Prius. Thankfully, the Nissan Armada we came in had plenty of room for us all, even including Benny and Gan. Don’t get me wrong, I’d have been happy to leave them both behind, but neither was to be dissuaded. Gan insisted on coming with me so as to be witness to my glorious fucking destiny.

  As for Benny, he practically glued himself to Sheila ... something which I was not particularly pleased with. As much as I tried my best to not be the monster most other vampires were, I really wouldn’t have argued with the suggestion to just off him and be done with it. For starters, he was obviously not friendly. I had li
ttle doubt he’d fuck Sally and me over at the first chance he got. Then there was the fact that he was really fucking annoying, what with his constant Bible thumping. Yeah, murder might be a tad overkill for that, but sue me for being petty.

  Once it was settled that all of the uninvited guests were coming along for the ride, that left just one other little problem.

  “I will not leave the Blessed One’s side,” Benny said adamantly

  “There’s no fucking way you’re sitting behind me, asshole,” Sally snapped.

  “I will sit next to Bill,” Gan declared as if it were law, which in her mind it probably was.

  I sighed. “Okay, enough of this.” This must have been what it’d be like to chaperone the world’s most fucked up class trip. “Ed, you’re driving.”

  “But I insist...” Benny started, getting in my face.

  My fangs involuntarily extended. Okay, it might have been slightly voluntary. Benny immediately produced his cross, which I slapped out of his hand, sending it once more clattering away into the stormy night.

  Sheila tensed up in my periphery. Rather than gut him, though, as I’m sure they were both expecting, I simply said, “Get into the goddamn back seat.”

  I turned to the others. “Sally, you’re with him. If he tries anything, fuck him over ... you should be used to doing that in a car.”

  She opened her mouth to say something, but I talked over her. “Gan, you’re with me in the middle row.”

  “Of course, belov...”

  “Just get in before I change my mind. As for you,” I said turning to Sheila, “put the sword in the trunk and ride shotgun. I’ll be sitting behind you, so please try not to disintegrate me.”

  “You won’t turn your back on Ben, but you expect me to turn mine on you?” she asked. I guess it was a fair question.

  “Yes. I know I haven’t given you many reasons tonight, but you have to know that you can trust me. This is going to sound corny, but you need to have a little ... faith.”

  “Why?”

  Before I could answer, Gan stepped in front of me. “Is it not obvious? It is because he is in love with you.”

  The Long Ride Home

  True to form, I immediately tried to backpedal upon Gan’s spilling of my beans.