The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  His finger tightened on the trigger. I only had one chance at this. Hopefully I knew him as well as I hoped.

  “I’m glad Optimus Prime got broken.”

  “What?” His eyes shifted back toward me.

  “You heard me. Shit like that’s for immature assholes anyway. What are you, a fucking five year old?”

  He blinked at me, outrage on his face. Holy shit, was it actually working? I needed to crank it up a notch.

  “Yeah. In fact, you know what? I can’t stand any of your toys.”

  “You need to stop...”

  “Once this is all over, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m kicking in the door to your room and taking a blowtorch to every single fucking thing you own.”

  “Don’t even...”

  “Try selling He-Man on eBay when he looks like a hunk of melted shit.”

  “Goddamn it, Bill,” he said, a familiar whining quality entering his voice. “How many times do I have to tell you to not touch my collectibles? Do you know how much money those fucking things are...” He stopped mid-sentence and began to blink rapidly, his stance becoming unsteady.

  After a moment, he shook his head. Finally, his eyes cleared and he looked over at me, recognition on his face. “Dude, where the hell am I?”

  Holy crap, it had worked. I couldn’t believe it. It was kind of pathetic, seeing what really snapped him out of his funk. Okay, very pathetic ... but who cared?

  He looked down at the gun in his hands. “No fucking way!”

  I stepped over to him as quickly as I could. “It’s okay, Tom. It’s...”

  “When did I get a vintage Megatron? Do you know how much this thing is worth?”

  Oh for Christ’s sake! I suddenly didn’t feel so bad for what needed to be done. After all, Christy did say it was temporary.

  “Tom, believe me when I say I’m sorry for this.”

  “Sorry for wh ... OOF!”

  He didn’t get a chance to finish, as my fist connected with his jaw – dropping him like a ton of bricks. He hit the rooftop, out cold – the gun clattering out of his grasp.

  Letting out as deep a breath as my charred lungs would allow, I turned toward Sheila. She stood up from where the unconscious witch lay and we approached each other.

  “Is he going to be all right?” she asked, her eyes dancing between me and Tom’s still form.

  “His head is harder than you’d believe. He’ll be fine. More importantly, are you okay?”

  “I’m right as rain.” She looked back at the fallen witch, then lifted her fist triumphantly. “Who’d a thought I had it in me?”

  “Me, for starters.”

  “I can see that. Thank you for believing in me.”

  I shrugged, not knowing what to say. After all, my belief in her had caused all of this.

  “Thank you for everything,” she said.

  “I’m not sure you should be thanking me. I...”

  “Showed me that I was special? Who could find fault in that?”

  “I ruined your life.”

  “No, you just opened a new chapter in it. That’s what life is all about – endings followed by new beginnings.”

  “It’s the endings I’m worried about.”

  “I’m not, especially now that I know I have you watching out for me.”

  Holy moly! Did she just say that? Despite the cold, my palms got all sweaty. This really wasn’t the best time for us to have a moment. We were in the middle of a supernatural storm, having just barely beaten a group of trained killers. And yet, somehow it felt right ... almost like a touch of destiny.

  She held out her hand to me, the glow disappearing from it. I tentatively reached out and took it.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Nothing happened. Holy crap ... nothing happened! We stood there, actually holding hands like two normal human beings.

  I could barely believe it. It was the most wonderful fee...

  BLAM!

  The bullet just barely grazed my ear, drawing blood. For a second, time stood still as realization dawned. If I live to be a thousand, there will never be a moment as terrible as that one.

  Sadly, the world resumed its normal pace far too quickly.

  Sheila’s head snapped violently back. The force of the impact threw her off her feet, her hand slipping from my grasp.

  She landed, unmoving, amongst the slush that was building up on the rooftop.

  “Oh God, no!”

  “Oh yes, Freewill,” an English-accented voice said from behind me.

  I turned to find Remington standing there – one arm in ruins, a massive bullet wound rendering it all but useless. In his other hand, though, he held the same weapon which had earlier been used against him: Sally’s Desert Eagle.

  “I am not so easily beaten,” he said. “You would have been wise to consider that. Alas, you were not. To think our people would put any stock in such a pathetic being as yourself.”

  I had nothing to reply with. My whole form ... my whole world ... was numb.

  He glanced past me to where Sheila’s body lay. “You sicken me, you know that? Who would have guessed you would choose her over your own kind?”

  “Always,” I spat back, my voice sounding deeper than normal, something that I found not altogether surprising. I considered things – a cold rationality washing over me. In the space of a few days, his team had tried to take everything from me. In the space of a second, he had succeeded.

  “Do not fret, Freewill. I meant what I said earlier. You will be joining her in Hell.”

  His voice hardly registered with me as he raised the massive weapon and pointed it my way. The numbness began to leave me and in its place a red rage descended over my vision. The creature inside of me demanded freedom. For perhaps the first, and last, time, I was inclined to oblige. What did it matter anyway? What point was my life, my humanity, with her gone? What possible future could I have without her?

  Future, hah! All that talk of destiny had been for naught after all. Remington had proven it with just the pull of a trigger. I was almost tempted to thank him. In his own sick way, he had freed me. First, though, I had something else in mind.

  I had nothing left ... save the meaningless prophecies, the death I had been supposedly fated to bring this world. So be it.

  I felt the remnants of my clothes tear as my body enlarged. Remington and the gun in his hand suddenly seemed very small, almost insignificant, to me.

  “Impressive,” he said dispassionately, then pulled the trigger. A dry click was the only response.

  The grin disappeared from his face as I leapt. The red rage consumed me, burying everything human ... perhaps forever. The part of me that was still Bill Ryder faded into the darkness, glad to be gone from a world that held only pain. Remington’s screams were my only company as I let it take me wholly.

  And Now for a Slightly Different Epilogue

  “And what happened then?”

  “We bugged out of there pretty goddamned fast. Even with the storm, it must’ve looked like a hell of a fight from the street. I could hear sirens in the distance. It seemed like a good time to beat feet.”

  “I’m not blaming you. It was a prudent course of action,” James said, his voice resonating from the Bluetooth earpiece I wore. I had no idea where he was calling from. Could have been Europe, for all I knew, but I was just glad it was him. As fun as gloating would have been, I wasn’t in the mood to deal with Colin’s bullshit.

  “Thanks, I just hated having to run like that.”

  “Places can grow on you.”

  “Screw that! All of my stuff was there.”

  “Ah, Sally, you always have your priorities straight,” he said with a chuckle. “Speaking of which, let me see if I have my facts in order. The others are expecting a report, although considering the turn of events, I highly doubt they’ll give it much more consideration other than to note case closed.”

  I didn’t need to ask further. I knew what he was talking about. The news anchors wer
e practically orgasming onscreen amidst all the chaos. It had been the first thing I had flipped on after reaching the safe house, to see if anything had been reported about the battle atop the Office.

  I needn’t have worried. There was so much out of the ordinary going on, that a few fireworks in SoHo were barely a blip on anyone’s radar.

  “...the freak storm, which appeared to have come out of nowhere, continues to pound the tri-state area. Meteorologists are still stumped as to its cause or when we can expect it to end. Some local amateur photographers managed to snap some stunning photos of the strangely colored lightning associated...”

  “One witness described the scene as a modern day Roanoke. Overnight, the small trading village of Buffalo Valley, located at the Northern tip of Manitoba, seems to have disappeared. Authorities are stumped, claiming it’s not just the town’s residents who are missing, but the buildings as well. They claim it’s as if the forest simply swallowed the small...”

  “...Museum officials are refusing to comment on reports that the statue of Osiris – dating back to the twelfth century BC, and currently on loan to the Smithsonian – began to cry what witnesses described as tears of blood...”

  “Police still have no leads on what has been dubbed the Mamaroneck Massacre...”

  “...the Icon then wiped out Remington’s forces to the last man before Dr. Death was able to intervene, is that correct?”

  “Huh?” I pulled my attention away from my nails. They were going to need another coat of gloss. My active lifestyle as of late was playing hell on them. “Yep, that’s what happened,” I replied offhandedly.

  “How about our allies in this joint venture? Did any of them survive?”

  “Nope. Decker went down early in the fray. None of his coven made it either.” I had personally seen to that little detail before leaving, making sure to be the last one to vacate the premises. I almost laughed at the irony. Decker and his band of magical harpies had convinced themselves that the Icon would be the death of them. Amusingly enough, they’d still be alive if they hadn’t gotten involved in the first place. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. Oh well, I wasn’t going to be shedding any tears for those assholes anytime soon. Although...

  I grabbed a pen and jotted down a note. I might as well send Starlight up north to see if she could track down his body. I wouldn’t mind using Decker’s skull as an ashtray. It was the least he could do for fucking up the Loft.

  “It’s a pity about Remington,” James continued. “His skills were held in high regard by the First.”

  “Yep, a pity,” I replied. A pity the asshole didn’t suffer longer. In the end, though, he did scream like a little girl as Bill was tearing him a new asshole. That was relatively satisfying.

  “I dare say, Colin has brought down far more scrutiny on his stewardship of this endeavor than he had hoped.”

  I perked up. Finally, this conversation was getting interesting. “How so?”

  “Remington’s team had been needed elsewhere, to help shore up defenses at our keep in Northern Siberia. Colin managed to convince them otherwise, that this would be a glorious victory. Needless to say, his decisions in all other matters are currently being questioned.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” I lied, not bothering to conceal it in my tone. James knew my history with that prick.

  “Actually, I’m not. Colin’s leadership skills might be ... underdeveloped, but he was an excellent assistant. The truth is I miss him in that regards. There’s a chance I may be able to swing a reassignment for him as my personal attaché. That would make my considerable workload somewhat more bearable.”

  I tried and failed to suppress a giggle. It would be so awesome to see him kiss everyone’s ass for a promotion only to wind up as James’s secretary once more. Perhaps there was such a thing as cosmic justice. The laugh also provided me with a needed release from the current stress I felt. It helped mask the worry worming its way through my gut.

  Goddamn it, Bill, where are you?

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  James finally finished his debriefing. I had little doubt he suspected I was leaving details out. He was both smart and perceptive that way. Whereas several centuries of life taught most vampires the joy of hearing their own voices, it had taught him a far more valuable lesson: how to listen. Fortunately, that was coupled with honest to goodness common sense. He knew when to let unimportant minutia slide, especially if it meant keeping things from turning into a full-scale avalanche of stupidity.

  “Do I have the facts straight?” he had asked, his wry tone indicating he knew I fudged the details a bit. That was fine. We both knew there weren’t any witnesses, at least none that would contradict my story.

  “Exactly as I remember them.”

  “Excellent. You’ll let me know when he returns, won’t you?”

  “I will,” I replied before hanging up. It was the only part of the conversation I hadn’t exaggerated or outright lied about.

  I had set up a small nook in the living room to act as a makeshift office, until such time as I felt it safe to return to our actual Office. Once I put the phone down, Starlight entered, a pot of fresh coffee in hand. I was almost tempted to smile at her, but refrained. It was bad for my reputation. I knew how James felt about Colin. It was the same with Starlight, except for the fact that she wasn’t a back-biting prick.

  Following the battle, I had called her and given the all clear. She had packed up immediately and wasted no time in returning. The others, Firebird and Alfonzo, would be back the next night. I couldn’t have cared less about Firebird. She and I had never gotten along, tramp that she was. Alfonzo couldn’t return fast enough, though. Gods knew I deserved a scalp massage and a good conditioning after all this shit.

  I reached up and felt my forehead. The burn from the meatwad’s amulet had finally started to fade. He was lucky he was Bill’s friend. Because of that, I was probably only going to kick his ass for attacking me. The fact that he wouldn’t remember doing it or why, at least after Christy got done mind-scrubbing him, would only make it that much more amusing.

  “How are the newbs handling things?” I asked Starlight, taking a business-like tone.

  “I set them up at the warehouse with some supplies. They’re adjusting.”

  “Any possible runners?”

  “I compelled them to stay put, just in case.”

  “Good.”

  Remington’s thugs had gone on a mad killing spree at the Office, slaughtering any of the other tenants they happened to catch. Talk about fucking up our lease! It turned out, though, that they had been sloppy – not finishing the job with a half dozen or so. That was fine by me. Village Coven just so happened to have a few openings in its ranks. Hopefully one or two might even be worth the trouble of letting them live. Either way, though, that was a problem for tomorrow. For now, I needed to concentrate on...

  There came a knock from the front door.

  Starlight glanced at me quizzically, but I shrugged. It couldn’t be the cops. James had wired a goodly amount of funds to the right parties, convincing them that the raid from the other day had been a mistake. The same would eventually be done with the Office. Sadly, it was going to take a bit more time considering the mess that had been made there.

  “Think it’s him?” she asked, a hopeful tone in her voice. She was such an optimist. It was almost sickeningly cute.

  I took a sniff and frowned. No, it definitely wasn’t Bill. In fact, it wasn’t anyone I wanted to see. Still, I guess it was either open up or have her break down the door.

  I stood to smooth my dress – a cute little black number, appropriate for my current mood. Appearances were important, even for company I couldn’t stand. “Open it,” I said with a barely concealed sigh, sitting back down again.

  Starlight opened the door for Gan, the little Mongolian princess bitch. She was accompanied by one of her lackeys, the same who had been led on a merry chase by the witches.

  She walked in like she own
ed the place. Big surprise. God, what I wouldn’t have given for a trapdoor leading to a shark tank. Oh, well, maybe next safe house.

  I turned to Starlight, not wanting her to eavesdrop. “Alice…” I used her real name, as I often did whenever I wanted her to be sure I wasn’t fucking around, “would you be good enough to go out and get us some coffee?”

  Not grasping my meaning, she glanced at the steaming carafe she had just set down, a confused look on her face.

  I so hated when people didn’t get the hint. I grabbed the pot and threw it across the room, where it shattered against the wall. Subtlety has never been one of my virtues.

  “Oops.”

  That got her moving. She stepped past Gan and left, closing the door behind her.

  Once it clicked shut, I raised an eyebrow at my guest – only partially because of the SpongeBob lunchbox she was carrying. Goddamn, what a weirdo. “I was wondering what had happened to you.”

  “How so?” she replied.

  “That was a pretty long drop from the top floor.”

  She shrugged as it were nothing.

  “So what happened?” I asked once it became obvious she wasn’t going to elaborate.

  “It is simple. I survived. They did not.”

  Okay then. Ask a stupid question. It didn’t really matter, though. I hadn’t doubted she would get little more than a sprained ankle out of the ordeal. One simply didn’t get lucky like that.

  “If you’re looking for Bill, you’re gonna be disappointed. He’s missing.”

  “I am well aware. I am here to see you before I depart.”

  I couldn’t hide my surprise. She hit me with three big question marks at once right there. Not wishing to seem over eager, I figured I’d save that part about her leaving for last.

  “You’re aware? How?”

  “His scent is gone,” she replied simply enough.

  Her and that creepy nose of hers. She had once told Bill she could track him anywhere. It was probably how she was able to find us up in Westchester. Either that or she had chipped him like a dog ... a distinct possibility. Still, if she couldn’t sense him now...

  “How do you know he’s not...”