Alice-Miranda On Holiday

by Jacqueline Harvey

  ‘Did you see that?’ Jacinta puffed as Alice-Miranda pulled her along the hallway.

  ‘What?’ Alice-Miranda asked.

  ‘Mr Ridley – did you see what was he doing?’

  ‘Rehearsing, I suspect,’ Alice-Miranda offered. ‘Come on – there’s no time. We’ve got to find Aunty Gee.’

  The girls reached the bedroom and Jacinta caught her breath. ‘What are we looking for up here? Shouldn’t we go back and tell you father where Mr Ridley is? I’m sure he’s part of all this.’

  Alice-Miranda ignored Jacinta’s hysterics and stood beside her doll’s house. She began to take the roof apart and placed the pieces on the floor beside her.

  ‘I don’t think this is any time for us to be playing house,’ Jacinta said impatiently, her hands on her hips.

  ‘I’m not,’ Alice-Miranda replied. ‘Remember, the doll’s house is a model of the Hall. I just thought perhaps because it’s so accurate it might have the cellar too.’ She continued lifting the pieces out. Soon there was a jumble on the floor.

  ‘Oh. Here, I’ll help.’ Jacinta began removing furniture and taking the rooms apart. It didn’t take long before they had demolished the upper floors.

  ‘Look, there’s the kitchen and the dining room and the sitting room – it’s amazing,’ Jacinta gasped.

  Alice-Miranda lifted the final floor out and there before them was a maze of cellars under the house. There were even labels indicating where the tunnels headed out into the garden.

  ‘Look – it’s all there. Could you grab a piece of paper and a pen from my desk and draw a plan? Look where the tunnels are! Goodness, there’s at least seven of them.’

  Jacinta read out the signs. ‘This one says “smoke-house”, and this one says “river” and this one says “gatehouse” and this one says “walled garden” and this one says “stables” and look, this one says “Rose Cottage”.’

  ‘Maybe they haven’t taken Aunty Gee very far at all!’ Alice-Miranda exclaimed. ‘We’ve got to get back downstairs and show Daddy.’

  Just as the girls were about to leave the room, a voice stopped them in their tracks.

  ‘You’re not going anywhere.’

  They turned around to see Mr Blunt – and this time he was sporting more than a menacing look. In his hand, pointed right at them, was a shiny silver pistol.

  ‘Really, Mr Blunt – it is Mr Blunt, isn’t it? – that’s no way to behave,’ Alice-Miranda scolded. ‘I can’t imagine why you would be pointing that at us. It’s not very friendly at all.’

  ‘Well, as a matter of fact,’ he began, ‘I’m not trying to be friendly, you idiotic child.’

  ‘Now, now, there’s no need for name calling. Obviously you’re upset about something but waving that gun around is not going to get you very far,’ she continued.

  He studied Alice-Miranda as one might look at a road map written in a foreign language.

  Jacinta began to cry.

  ‘Stop that blubbering,’ he demanded. ‘Okay – both of you – in there.’ He thrust open the bathroom door and there sitting in the middle of the tiled floor was Daisy. Her hands were tied in front of her and she had a large silk scarf shoved into her mouth.

  ‘Goodness me, Mummy won’t be happy about that,’ Alice-Miranda tutted. ‘She loves her silk scarves and that Hermès one is a particular favourite. No offence, Daisy, but she’ll have to get it dry-cleaned.’

  ‘Shut up, Pollyanna,’ Mr Blunt demanded.

  ‘Mr Blunt, you must have me confused.’ Alice-Miranda scrambled up onto the toilet lid to look him square in the eye. ‘As I tried to tell you earlier, my name is Alice-Miranda Highton-Smith-Kennington-Jones and up until a few moments ago I would have been very pleased to meet you.’

  ‘Arghhhhhh!’ He clasped his hands to his head, obviously forgetting that he was also holding a loaded weapon. The pressure of the movement caused the gun to discharge and a bullet ricocheted loudly around the marble bathroom. All the girls could do was duck and cover their heads. Ping, ping, ping, the bullet shot from wall to wall to wall before glancing down off the brass light fitting and straight into the middle of Mr Blunt’s foot.

  ‘Oooowwww,’ he screamed and began to leap about on one leg. Jacinta stopped crying long enough to push him into the empty bathtub. He landed with a thud on his head. Alice-Miranda quickly untied Daisy and pulled the scarf from her mouth.

  ‘Here,’ she instructed. ‘Tie his hands and we’d better do something about that foot.’ There was blood oozing through the top of his sock. ‘Quick, pull his shoe off and pass me a towel, Jacinta.’ Alice-Miranda leaned in and wrapped the towel around Mr Blunt’s bleeding foot. ‘Oh, stop that fussing,’ she instructed, ‘I have to put pressure on it, you silly man.’

  ‘I’m dying,’ Blunt wailed.

  ‘No, you’re not.’ Alice-Miranda was very firm. ‘It’s just a flesh wound and I’ve bandaged it properly. I have very good first aid skills, sir, and I can promise that while you might experience a bit of pain, you are more likely to die from the bump on your head than that gunshot wound.’

  ‘Oh, Alice-Miranda, thank you.’ Daisy hugged her tightly. Tears ran like rivers down her cheeks. ‘I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I should have told someone about Blunt and his wicked plan. It’s just that he said he’d … he’d kill you all if he had to,’ the young woman sobbed.

  ‘Come on.’ Alice-Miranda held Daisy’s hand tightly. ‘We need to get back downstairs to give Daddy the details about the tunnels. Do you know where they’ve taken Aunty Gee?’ Alice-Miranda asked.

  ‘What? They’ve taken Aunty Gee?’ Daisy gulped. ‘I thought they must have been after Mrs Oliver.’

  ‘I think there’s been a case of mistaken identity,’ Alice-Miranda replied.

  Jacinta stepped back, looking satisfied. She had tied Mr Blunt’s bound hands tightly to the towel rail.

  Alice-Miranda locked the bathroom doors and put the key under her pillow. Just for good measure, she and Jacinta dragged chairs over and wedged them under the handles in both bedrooms that had access to the room. They would come back and see to Mr Blunt later.

  ‘Let’s go and find Aunty Gee.’ Alice-Miranda led Daisy and Jacinta into the hallway.

  ‘Tell you what, you’re a stubborn old cow,’ the taller man grouched. ‘It’s funny, though – you do remind me of someone a bit. I can’t think who it is.’

  ‘The Queen?’ Aunty Gee asked through gritted teeth.

  ‘Yeah, that’s it. You look a bit like the Queen. Has anyone ever told you that before?’

  ‘Yes, they have, and that’s because I AM THE QUEEN, you imbecile,’ she roared.

  ‘Yeah and I’m the Prime Minister,’ he laughed.

  Aunty Gee shook her head.

  ‘You’d better start writing, love,’ the man said, still chuckling. ‘Soon as the boss gets here he won’t be so friendly.’

  An outer door clanged and there was the sound of a bolt sliding back into place.

  A voice drifted through from the other room. ‘Is she in there?’

  ‘Yeah, and she’s not being very cooperative at all. I think you might have to put some pressure on her – if you know what I mean.’

  The inner door creaked open and a large man with a rather enormous belly entered the room. He was wearing a clown mask over his face. Through tiny eyeholes he stared at the prisoner and pressed a voice-altering device against his throat.

  ‘Hello Dolly,’ he wheezed. ‘Time to get busy with the formula.’ He could hardly see through the mask at all.

  ‘What did you say?’ the Queen asked.

  He pressed the device to his throat again. ‘I said it’s time to write out the formula. You know what I’m talking about. There’s someone who’s very interested in FDF and they’re going to pay me a lot of money for it.’

  The Queen was staring at his shoes. She then looked up at his wide girth.

  ‘What are you staring at?’ he wheezed.

  She stood up, took her reading
glasses from her purse and popped them onto the end of her nose. ‘Percy Gisborne,’ she reprimanded. ‘That is the most ridiculous disguise I have ever seen.’

  ‘I’m not Percy,’ he rasped.

  ‘And I am not Dolly Oliver, you idiot,’ she snapped.

  ‘Oh,’ the fat man mouthed, finally taking note of who he was talking to.

  ‘Yes, you know perfectly well who I am and if you don’t stop this preposterous nonsense at once I can guarantee you will never see your allowance again,’ she threatened. ‘And I believe that rat-infested castle of yours was in line for some considerable renovations. Well, not any more, you cretin.’

  The balance of power had turned completely. Percy made a hasty exit.

  ‘What do you mean you’re not Dolly Oliver?’ the tall man asked her.

  ‘As I told you before, I am the Queen and you had better take me back to the Hall immediately.’

  In the other room, the short man was having a rather loud argument with Percy. The tall man joined them and the yelling became even more thunderous.

  ‘You got the wrong woman, you idiots,’ Percy stormed.

  ‘We did just what you told us to. We waited until we saw her disappear downstairs and then we grabbed her. We never saw anyone come out again,’ the shorter man protested.

  ‘Yeah, I did, Clarry, but I didn’t think much about it,’ the taller man confessed. ‘They were both wearing black.’

  ‘You dunderhead,’ Clarry ranted. ‘What are we goin’ to do now?’

  ‘Get out of here, that’s what we’re goin’ to do!’ The tall man made a start for the door with Clarry on his heels.

  ‘Get back here, you pair of numbskulls,’ Lord Gisborne demanded. ‘What am I going to do with her?’ He began to weep.

  In the next room, Aunty Gee studied the walls. She wondered how she had arrived in this place. The idea that there might be a secret passageway from the Hall entered her mind and she began to feel along the bricks for any unusual bumps. Her own homes had plenty of tunnels so she couldn’t imagine that this one would be any different. Her hand came to rest on a loose block – she pulled on it and suddenly found herself on the other side of the wall. Inside the tunnel there was a row of rickety electric lights – most likely pre-war, she thought to herself. Aunty Gee set off through the passage as fast as she could manage in her heels. Through cobwebs and dust centuries thick she scurried on, wondering what on earth she should do about silly old Percy and his mad plan.

  Back at the Hall, Alice-Miranda, Jacinta and Daisy had reached the cellar. Alice-Miranda explained about Mr Blunt and his attempt to capture the girls and lock them in the bathroom.

  When she told them about the gun, her mother almost fainted.

  ‘Oh darling, you could have been hurt – or worse.’ Cecelia hugged Alice-Miranda tightly.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Jacinta piped up. ‘Alice-Miranda was so brave. I was bawling like a baby but she wasn’t even scared.’

  ‘That’s my girl,’ her father beamed.

  ‘And Daddy, there are lots of tunnels leading out from the cellar here,’ Alice-Miranda informed them.

  ‘How do you know that?’ he asked.

  ‘Because my doll’s house is such a perfect replica of the Hall, I thought that it might even have the cellar, and guess what? It does. Jacinta drew a plan.’ She unfolded the piece of paper. ‘Look, there are seven tunnels and they go all over the estate and even to Rose Cottage.’

  ‘So that’s why Mr Blunt was so interested in seeing the cottage and the plans,’ Daisy whispered.

  Through a haze of tears, Daisy managed to explain that Mr Blunt had introduced himself to her and Granny as an historian who was writing a book about the Hall. He’d had a number of meetings with Granny, who’d even found a set of old plans of the Hall in the attic to show him. But Granny enjoyed his company so much that she wouldn’t let him take the plans away with him. At first Daisy had found him most charming, but she had grown suspicious after she overheard him out in the garden talking on the phone about Mrs Oliver and FDF.

  ‘I confronted him and asked what he was really up to and he got very angry and said that if I didn’t co operate, he could make people disappear. He showed me his gun so I knew he was serious. He kept on talking about Alice-Miranda and asking me how much everyone would miss her. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do,’ Daisy wept.

  ‘You poor, poor girl.’ Mrs Oliver reached out to hold her hand.

  ‘I knew zat man was up to no good. Jasper told me about zum fellow who vas poking around in ze machinery shed. I should have paid more attention,’ Heinrich tutted to himself.

  Daisy regained her composure and continued. ‘And then I found another set of plans, for Rose Cottage and the stables and the gatehouse, so I hid them where I never thought anyone would find them – in the crisper in the fridge.’

  ‘And I think I might have accidentally delivered them to Mr Blunt when I found them and put them on the kitchen table,’ Alice-Miranda confessed. ‘I thought Granny was losing her mind and putting things away in strange places.’

  ‘Then Granny couldn’t help herself and told him all about the party. He insisted on coming. I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t bear the thought of what he might do,’ Daisy sobbed.

  Alice-Miranda put her arm around the young woman’s waist. ‘It’s not your fault, Daisy. Mr Blunt’s a brute.’

  ‘Well, come on,’ said Hugh. He strode towards the area where a tunnel supposedly linked to Rose Cottage. ‘Let’s see what we can find.’

  Mrs Oliver looked on as the rest of the group ran their hands across the walls and searched for any sign of a passageway. Millie was crawling along the floor when her knee came down on a wobbly cobblestone. There was a loud grating noise of brick on brick and slowly a section of wall slid back to reveal a wide tunnel.

  ‘We’ve found it,’ the girls chorused.

  Peering into the grey half-light, they could make out a figure in the distance. It was coming closer.

  ‘I hope it’s not one of Mr Blunt’s associates,’ whispered Mrs Oliver. She bit her lip.

  Alice-Miranda squinted. ‘My gosh, I think it’s Aunty Gee.’ She turned around to face the expectant audience, then peered back into the darkness. ‘It is Aunty Gee!’

  Alice-Miranda rushed into the tunnel. A few minutes later she emerged with the Queen by her side.

  ‘Oh, ma’am, what a relief,’ Mrs Oliver cried.

  ‘Are you all right, Aunty Gee?’ Cecelia asked and took her by the hand.

  ‘Yes, yes, just a few cobwebs and I suspect my bunions will play up a treat tomorrow. It’s quite a long way back from wherever those ghastly men took me,’ she snorted.

  ‘Did they hurt you at all, ma’am?’ Dalton asked worriedly. He took her handbag and tiara.

  ‘No. It wasn’t me they were after at all. It was poor Dolly here. I hate to imagine what they might have done to you to get that formula.’ Aunty Gee’s lips drew into a thin line.

  ‘Yes and I bet I know who the mastermind is.’ Hugh sighed in disgust. ‘I’d put my life on there being no new player with an identical formula.’ He looked at Cecelia. ‘I’m sure they were just bluffing until they could get their hands on our Dolly.’

  Hugh didn’t say so, but he was rather glad that they had taken Aunty Gee. If they’d have got their hands on Mrs Oliver, who knew what they might have done to her.

  ‘I am so sorry, ma’am. I can’t believe that they mistook me for you,’ Mrs Oliver apologised.

  ‘Oh Dolly, I can, dear. Look at us – we could be twins, and especially tonight with you in that lovely Valentino. I was rather hoping you might let me borrow it sometime,’ Her Majesty smiled.

  ‘How did you get away, Aunty Gee?’ Alice-Miranda asked wide-eyed.

  ‘Well, let’s just say that Lord Percy Gisborne will be finding an alternative source of income for a very long time to come,’ she replied, arching her eyebrow.

  The group mouthed a synchronised silent ‘Oh!�
��

  ‘It appears your kidnappers were not acting alone. Alice-Miranda and Jacinta have a Mr Blunt tied up in one of the bathrooms upstairs,’ Hugh explained.

  ‘Clever girls,’ Aunty Gee smiled.

  ‘Shouldn’t we call the police?’ Jacinta asked.

  ‘No dear,’ Her Majesty answered. ‘I think we’ll deal with this ourselves.’ She nodded at Hugh. ‘If this gets back to the palace, I’ll never enjoy another moment alone for the rest of my life.’ Aunty Gee glared at Dalton who nodded like a jack-in-the-box. ‘And girls,’ Aunty Gee looked at Alice-Miranda, Jacinta and Millie now, ‘I know I don’t have to tell you how important it is that this incident is never spoken of again. Do you understand?’

  ‘Yes, Aunty Gee,’ Alice-Miranda and Millie chorused. Millie then gave a rather wonky curtsy at which Aunty Gee couldn’t help but smile.

  Jacinta, however, had remained tight-lipped. The whole group turned their attention in her direction.

  ‘Oh, all right,’ Jacinta reluctantly agreed. ‘Nothing interesting ever happens to me – and this is so much more exciting than all the silly things Mummy does – and now I can’t even tell anyone!’

  ‘No dear, you mustn’t tell anyone.’ Aunty Gee was stern. ‘Not ever.’

  ‘Heinrich, would you mind dealing with Blunt?’ Hugh asked. ‘It sounds like he may require some medical attention. Take him out the back and I’ll phone through to Dr Marsh in the village. He’s a confidential man. And then you can drop Blunt off at the police station and let them know you caught him breaking into the Hall.’

  ‘The key’s under my pillow,’ Alice-Miranda added.

  ‘Certainly, sir.’ Heinrich grinned broadly as he left the room.

  ‘Now.’ Aunty Gee picked a cobweb from her hair. ‘I think we should be getting back to the party, don’t you?’ She looked about at the group.

  ‘Are you sure that’s what you want to do, ma’am?’ Dalton enquired.

  ‘Yes, of course. Poor Charlotte will think we’ve abandoned her. And I don’t know about the rest of you, but I could well do with a big piece of birthday cake.’ Aunty Gee motioned for Dalton to follow her.