Nero

by David Wishart

  'And did she?'

  'She did. She was spitting blood. But she went right enough.'

  'Persicus, how do you know all this?'

  'Oh, it's true, don't you worry!' He was practically crowing. 'I got it on the slave network. The story was all over the palace by noon. The Bitch is on the skids, Petronius. A month or two more and she'll be history.'

  'If Acte lives that long.' I was frowning. Now the secret was out I didn't rate her chances better than marginal.

  'Agrippina wouldn't dare touch a hair of the lady's head, not with Nero up there on his cloud. She's got more sense.'

  'You think she'll just give up? Let her have him?' If Persicus thought that then the odds were pretty fair.

  He stared at me. 'Give up? The Bitch? No chance. Three in a bed isn't her bag.' I must've looked blank because he laughed. 'Hey, Petronius! You didn't know? Agrippina's been screwing her blue-eyed bunny rabbit for years. No wonder she's jealous.'

  'It's a lie!' Acte was furious when I told her later, in Silia's boudoir. 'Lucius has never slept with his mother!'

  'Are you sure, dear?' Silia was holding still while Lalage worked on her eyebrows with a pair of tweezers.

  She shifted uncomfortably on the couch's edge. 'Of course I am.'

  'Persicus may be an oaf, Acte,' I said. 'But he's a well-informed oaf. He's seldom wrong where gossip's concerned.'

  She reddened. 'Yes, okay,' she said quietly. 'He wants to, I know that, it's obvious from the way he looks at her sometimes. And she leads him on, she always has done. But that's as far as it goes.'

  'If they are having sex together it'd certainly explain a lot.' I was watching Lalage. The girl had the most endearing habit of putting her tongue between her teeth when she concentrated. Nice eyes, too. 'And Agrippina isn't exactly scrupulous.'

  'I wouldn't be especially surprised either,' Silia said calmly. 'Agrippina's had enough personal experience to consider incest almost a commonplace.'

  I caught the reference, of course, although Acte obviously didn't: she only looked offended. If gossip was to be believed (and I always make it a point to believe good gossip) Agrippina's late brother Caligula had bedded all three of his sisters. Sleeping with one's sister, however, was one thing – the old Egyptians did it all the time, and there are other reputable precedents – but mother and son did seem to be taking things a little too far. I said as much.

  'Titus, dear, you really can be most incredibly naïve at times.' Silia sniffed. 'Agrippina will do anything for power. And Acte admits that the lad is sexually attracted.'

  Acte's good-natured face bunched into a scowl. 'She's got him so he doesn't know which end's up.'

  'Oh, how dreadfully embarrassing for him,' I said.

  Acte turned on me. 'Look, don't joke about this. It's serious, and it's complicated.'

  'Complicated?'

  'Deep down Lucius hates Agrippina's guts, but as far as he's concerned she's everything. He might break with her, but if she broke with him it'd be the end of the world. You understand?'

  'Oh, yes. I understand. In fact, I'm ahead of you.' I was, and it was worrying. Very worrying. What Acte was saying was that if push came to shove and Agrippina presented Lucius with an ultimatum the boy would cave in; in which case Acte would be quietly disposed of, Silia and I badly compromised and Agrippina in a stronger position than ever. This was what we got for meddling, and it served us right.

  'You don't know the half of it.' Acte took a deep breath. 'She...caught us together one day. You know?'

  I nodded. 'Persicus did mention that as well, dear.'

  She stared at me. I thought she was going to blush, but she didn't. Instead she said, slowly and sourly: 'Hey, your friend's a real mine of information, isn't he?'

  'The biggest in Rome.'

  'He tell you she hit the roof?'

  'Yes.'

  'Damn right she did! I've been around, and I've never heard language like that, nowhere, not even on the Ostian barges. The woman's crazy, Petronius. I swear she didn't know what she was saying.'

  'Wait a moment, Acte.' Silia laid a hand on the maid's arm. 'Lalage, that's enough for now. This isn't for your sensitive ears.' The girl (sensitive ears, my foot! She was enjoying every minute of this) picked up the cosmetic box and left the room with a flounce. 'I'm sorry, dear. Carry on, please.'

  Acte frowned. 'Anyway, when she's finished Lucius is great. I was really proud of him. He's shaking like a leaf but he tells her very firm and quiet she can't talk to him like that, that he's a grown man now and the emperor and he can handle his own life.' She paused. 'Then she says...the empress says..., "Britannicus wouldn't hurt his mother like this. He's a good boy."'

  I almost laughed, even though I knew it wasn't funny. And it wasn't. Not at all. That much was obvious from Acte's expression.

  'Lucius goes chalk-white,' she went on. 'He doesn't say anything, but mother, that hits him hard, and the bitch knows it. She looks straight at him and she says real slow and cold, "Britannicus wouldn't hurt his mummy like this, Lucius. Britannicus is a better boy than you are. Better in every way. Britannicus is Mummy's pet lamb now." I tell her to go and she goes. Then Lucius just...curls up.'

  'What?'

  'Curls up, Petronius. Like this.' Acte lay down on her side and brought her knees up almost to her chin, hugging them hard. Then she sat up again. 'He looked dead, only he was breathing okay and his eyes were open. It took me hours to bring him round.'

  'Jupiter!' I whispered.

  'The boy isn't normal,' Silia said decisively. 'He needs a doctor.'

  'He needs a priest,' I said.

  Acte turned on us furiously. 'Look, just lay off, will you? I told you, Lucius is just scared. He's shit-scared of life without his mother. It's not his fault.'

  'It's not a matter of fault.' I was still shaken. Silia was right, behaviour like that wasn't normal. 'The boy's emperor. The last thing Rome needs is another Caligula.'

  Acte got to her feet; she was almost crying. 'I wish I'd kept this to myself now!’ she said. ‘Lucius isn't mad! He was okay after we'd talked it over, reallyhe was. It just hit him hard at the time, you know? It could happen to anyone.'

  'Of course it could,' I said neutrally. 'Anyone at all.'

  'You've never even met him! You don't know what he's like! He's–'

  'Sensitive. Yes, you've told us that several times. And, Acte, I don't have to meet him. As Silia says, the boy isn't normal. I only hope his abnormality doesn't become too...embarrassing.'

  'Fuck that!' The tears were obvious now. 'And fuck you as well, both of you! I wish I'd never told you! If you met him you'd know at once he was okay!' She looked from one of us to the other, her chin with its wart jutting out aggressively. 'He's an artist and he's...all right, yes, he's sensitive!'

  Neither of us spoke or met her eyes. I don't know about Silia, but I couldn't have trusted myself to do either. Acte stormed out. In the distance we heard the front door slam.

  Three days later an invitation arrived to have dinner at the palace. Obviously we were being given an opportunity to judge Lucius for ourselves.

  Not the best evening to choose, as it transpired, by any means; but of course poor Acte couldn't have known that at the time.

  9.

  We arrived at the palace in great style, thanks to the matching set of gleaming Nubian chair slaves I'd borrowed from Persicus. It was my first ever imperial dinner party, and I must admit to feeling a little nervous: even although I had no respect for Lucius personally the lad was emperor and, whether I liked it or not, the most powerful man in the world. Arruntius being a senator and from a respectable family, I had assumed that Silia was used to moving in such exalted circles and would know the score. As it turned out, she wasn't and didn't; and she chose the moment when, invitation in hand, we were approaching the guard at the gate to disillusion me.

  'It's all Gnaeus's fault, Titus,' she explained. 'As usual. We've never been welcome at the palace since the poor silly dear helped murder Calig
ula.' She sniffed. 'Personally I would have thought Claudius would have been grateful, but there you are.'

  I handed the invitation to the huge German, who checked the official seal and gave it back. 'Do you think my mantle's all right?' I murmured as we passed through.

  'Very smart, dear. You look most distinguished.'

  'Then I have failed lamentably as a reprobate.'

  A slave in green livery led us through the entrance hall and along a well-lit corridor towards a pair of cedarwood doors studded with ornamental brasswork. He knocked and the doors swung open on to the imperial dining-room.

  We were honoured, it seemed. There couldn't have been more than a dozen people there, and from the small number of empty places we were among the last to arrive. A slave led us to one of the side tables near the imperial dais. We put on our party slippers, reclined, and another slave poured perfumed water over our hands.

  Lucius lay on a purple and gilt couch. He was wearing a gorgeously ornate tunic in the Greek style, his copper-red hair bound with a gold charioteer's ribbon. Beside him, Acte looked splendid (make-up carefully applied can do wonders), although she was far more plainly dressed than he was.

  When she saw us she grinned and elbowed the Ruler of the World in the ribs. Obviously we were back in favour.

  'Darling,' she said, 'you're not being very welcoming. Say hello to my friends.'

  The boy turned. He still had that fragile prettiness I remembered from the racetrack, enhanced by delicately rouged cheekbones and mascara'd eyelashes. The eyes themselves were bright and restless, shifting towards my face and away again.

  'Sir.' I inclined my head formally. Beside me Silia did the same.

  'Petronius.' His voice was a thin, nervous tenor. 'Lady Silia. How lovely to see you both. Acte's told me so much about you.'

  He stopped: a pause, I assumed, but he gave a little giggle and turned away. Even Acte looked surprised. She whispered something to him, but he shook his head and glanced towards the closed doors. Both movements had a sharpness I found both odd and disturbing. Acte, now, was frowning.

  The slaves were serving the hors d'oeuvres. I knew most of the guests by name, of course, and some more intimately. They were a mixed bag. At the table next to ours Salvius Otho, Annaeus Serenus and the two Terentia sisters were squeezed together like amorous sardines on to the one couch. Otho was surreptitiously feeling up the younger Terentia's thigh, and Serenus already looked stewed. Diagonally across from us Burrus was in deep conversation with an elderly senator whom I didn't know; he caught my eye and nodded. At the table between him and the dais were another senatorial couple, Calpurnius Piso and his wife Licinia. They were listening to a much older man with a fringe of iron-grey hair and the jowly, bag-eyed face of a pregnant toad. Piso looked bored, and I didn't blame him: Annaeus Seneca in full spate was not the most entertaining of couch-mates.

  Silia brushed my arm and I leaned against her. She put her lips to my ear.

  'Look at Britannicus, dear,' she whispered. 'What a shame, the poor lamb!'

  I turned in the direction her eyes indicated. Near the back of the room, out on its own and in the shadow of a pillar, was a small table at which Claudius's natural son reclined. Next to him lay a boy of his own age whom I didn't recognise. His coarse peasant features contrasted with the fine wool of an expensive mantle. The two were in deep conversation, ignoring the rest of the dinner party.

  'Who's the other lad?' I murmured.

  'Flavius Vespasian's son Titus.'

  'Vespasian?'

  'The African governor. Such a nice little boy, Acte tells me, and simply devoted to Britannicus. A pity his father's such a clodhopper.'

  I must say now that I have no memory whatsoever of what we ate, drank or said at that first meal at the palace; but then there was, as you'll see shortly, a very good reason for that. What I do remember is Lucius calling over one of the servants at the dessert stage and whispering something in his ear; then, when Acte looked startled, giving the same tense little giggle I'd heard him use earlier. And, of course, I remember the subsequent arrival of Agrippina.

  Her mantle was in the Alexandrian style, so stiff with gold leaf and pearls that it might have been made for a queen (perhaps it was). She was carefully made up and coiffeured, her eyelids lacquered with pearl-dust and her lips artificially reddened. At her entrance conversation faltered and faded away to nothing. Seeing her standing in the doorway I felt, myself, that someone had stepped over my grave. Beautiful Agrippina undoubtedly was, but for all her white breasts and faultless figure she carried a scent of rottenness.

  Lucius stood up. He swayed slightly, holding out his hands towards her as if they were close enough to touch. His eyes were glassy. I wondered if he was drunk, but his speech was quite clear.

  'I'm afraid you've missed dinner, Mother,' he called out. 'Such a shame. Still, it's lovely to see you. Come up here, darling. Sit by me and Acte.'

  I looked at Acte. She was rigid, her eyes on Lucius.

  'I'm sorry. I had a headache.' Agrippina hadn't moved.

  Lucius gave his nervous, high-pitched giggle.

  'Perhaps you should talk to Xenophon, then,' he said. 'He has such a nice bedside manner. And they say he's never willingly lost a patient.'

  Agrippina's face froze: Xenophon, as I think I've mentioned, was the doctor who had poisoned Claudius. Slowly, and without a word, she walked the length of the silent room, mounted the dais and reclined on the edge of Lucius's couch as far from Acte as she could. The two women ignored each other.

  'You must be absolutely ravenous, Mummy.' Lucius's eyes had never left her face. 'We can't have that, can we?' He reached behind him and snapped his fingers. A slave brought forward a steaming salver and took up a position by the empress's right shoulder. 'Mushrooms. The food of the gods. One nibble, my dear, and who knows what lovely things mightn't happen?'

  Someone–- I think it was Otho – smothered a laugh. One of the Terentias giggled. There were no other sounds. All eyes were on Agrippina and the dish of mushrooms.

  'I'm not hungry, darling,' she said at last. 'Really.'

  Lucius frowned. 'But I had them prepared specially. And I'll be terribly upset if you don't eat. We all will.' He snatched the spoon from the slave, scooped a mushroom from the dish and held it level with her lips. 'Please? Just a tiny one? Just one, for your little Lucius?'

  I didn't like Agrippina, but I had to admit the woman had courage. Staring straight into Lucius's eyes, she opened her mouth. Lucius smiled, popped the mushroom in and closed her mouth gently with his free hand. She chewed and swallowed. The silence now was absolute.

  Nothing happened. I thought I saw Agrippina sag a little on her couch, but I may have been mistaken. The exhalation of breath from the other diners was almost palpable.

  'There, Mother. That wasn't so bad, was it?' Lucius was still smiling. He threw down the spoon and turned to face the room at large, 'And now darling Seneca is going to entertain us with a reading of his latest work. Seneca!'

  All eyes except mine went to the jowly figure lying next to Piso. I was still watching Agrippina. Her eyes were closed, and under her make-up her face was grey.

  Seneca, when I turned back to him, was looking distinctly embarrassed, his jowls red as a chicken's wattles.

  'Oh, my dear boy!' he murmured. 'Oh, now, really! Perhaps under the circumstances it would be better to...ah...postpone...ah...'

  'Nonsense!' Lucius was acting like a man in a high fever. His eyes were bright, his face was flushed and he was almost gabbling. 'Do come on, darling! We're all agog! Simply agog! Besides, you promised.'

  A slave stepped forward with a book-roll. Seneca took it from him as though it were a live viper and undid the fastenings. Then he looked up and cleared his throat.

  'My voice isn't...' He paused. 'Honestly, my dear fellow, do excuse me. To tell the truth I really am a little hoarse this evening.'

  'Oh, you!' Lucius gave him a dazzling smile. 'You've the best reading voice in Rome,
hoarse or not. Besides,' he glanced slyly at Agrippina, 'Mother is simply dying to hear it. Aren't you, Mummy?'

  Agrippina didn't answer.

  'Ah. Very well. If that is your wish, then naturally...' Seneca looked even more unhappy. He cleared his throat a third time, took a swallow of wine, and unrolled the book. 'It's called...ah...I call it the"Pumpkinification".'

  The elder Terentia giggled. Seneca glared at her, cleared his throat yet again, and began to read: '"I would like to set down for the edification of future generations an account of what took place in heaven on the thirteenth of October, of this the first year of our Golden Age..."'

  Agrippina gasped. Seneca stopped abruptly; so abruptly that I distinctly heard his jaw click.

  'Is something wrong, Mother?' Lucius was solicitous. 'A touch of wind from the mushroom, perhaps?'

  'No. No, darling.' She was visibly fighting for self-control. 'It's just a twinge of that headache I mentioned.'

  'Then perhaps I should send for Xenophon after all. Or even Locusta...'

  'That won't be necessary,' she snapped. 'Darling.'

  'Well, then.' Lucius beamed at Seneca and raised an eyebrow. Seneca swallowed and continued with his recitation. He was now an interesting shade of puce.

  You know the piece, of course. It's a satire on Claudius's deification, a fictional account of the Idiot's arrival in heaven and the contemptuous treatment he receives there. It was, I had to admit, slickly penned, wickedly clever and, in places, achingly funny. It was also far and away the most gratuitously vicious literary attack on a human being I'd ever encountered. I'd no time for the Idiot in life, but Seneca's Pumpkinification sickened me. It was like kicking a corpse. You ask me why I have such a low opinion of the old hypocrite; go and read that little squib, my friends, and you'll have your answer.

  The reading finished amid an embarrassed silence. Everyone was watching Agrippina, who had sat through it with a face like chiselled marble. As Seneca hastily put the roll away in the fold of his mantle, Lucius began to applaud, slowly and with deliberation. No one else moved.