The Album: Book One

by Pullo, Ashley

  I sit down at the table and thumb through my iTunes playlist, stopping at the Beastie Boys. Even though this warrant fuckup is great news, there’s still the undeniable fact that Delgado’s case is impossible to win.

  “This is good, Adam. That only leaves the hookers and the missing money.” Fiona grabs her bag and heads out the glass door to her desk.

  I raise the volume on my iPod and look over the files of the accused escorts. Hookers and drugs . . . the legal career of my dreams.

  Adam Ford

  7/22/03

  Re: 10:2

  I LIE ON the bed admiring Fiona’s perfectly purchased tits. “That bra is hot.”

  Fiona clasps her lacy bra and smiles. “Thanks – you bought it.”

  I’m puzzled. Does she have so many fuck buddies that she can’t keep us straight? “I’ve never bought you anything – aside from coffee and pizza.” Worry sets in as I anticipate an uncomfortable discussion about the future of our friendly arrangement.

  “Oh my god, Adam! Relax.” She rolls her eyes and continues dressing. “Technically, you didn’t buy it, but you gave me fifty dollars for gas money to drive to the Bronx for a case. I submitted the receipts for reimbursement with the firm, and I spent your money on some other things.” She smiles and playfully pinches my waist, but I’m completely annoyed – I also submitted expense receipts last week.

  Irritated, I stand and put on my boxers. She frowns as I cross my arms . . . however she brings up an interesting point. I drop my arms and say, “What if I give you fifty bucks to come over here and have sex?”

  Fiona’s mouth drops in horror – but now that I have her full attention I can continue. “Or how about we have consensual sex and I give you fifty bucks for gas money. Let’s call it an arrangement. One in which I offer to pay for your expenses. Besides a bra, what would you spend the money on?”

  Angry, Fiona takes a step back and put her hands on her hips. “I’m not sure what you’re getting at Adam, but you’re violently pissing me off.”

  I laugh and pull her down to the bed with me. “Hear me out. Delgado’s hookers are part of a high-end escort service, but there’s no evidence that he paid for sex. Now, I don’t need to prove whether or not he had sex with these women, he’s single and the sex was consensual – details are irrelevant. But I need to show that the money exchanged was used for things – expenses and gifts or whatever.”

  At this very moment, she thinks I’m a sexist asshole, but I really need her support in attempting this idea in court. “Fiona, as a woman, you got defensive when I mentioned paying you for sex, but you have no problem accepting money for expenses or gifts, right?”

  “I guess, but I’m not an escort and I really don’t like being compared to one.”

  “I’m not comparing you to a hooker, I’m merely trying to find an angle of empathy. You said that one of the hookers used the money to go back to school.”

  “Business school. Adam, I understand your point, but Delgado did in fact steal the money from his company.”

  “Fiona,” I sigh. “You submitted an expense request and so did I. Technically, we just stole money from the firm. Mistakes happen all the time – and that’s what I’m going to prove. The argument will rely on separating the money from the sexual act – the dollar amount will be glossed over.”

  Her body relaxes but her eyes narrow into a whatyoutalkinboutWillis scowl. “Fine, but how are you going to get a jury to empathize with prostitutes and a scumbag?”

  This is probably going to be the end of my legal career, but I could always go back to Buffalo and teach Political Science and maybe coach the soccer team if this goes to shit. In my situation, I only have one option: play weak and end strong.

  “A 10:2 jury. I give the prosecutor ten, presumably women jurors and I will take two guys, preferably with records.”

  “Are you insane? That’ll never work. The prosecutor will eat you alive and I’m pretty sure Shaw will rip you a new asshole if you play games like this.”

  “I’ll need you to prepare the ladies for trial. From this moment on, the hookers shall be addressed as ladies.” I stand up and pace, trying to get every thought out of my head. “You need to find out how they spent the money that was given to them. The girlier the shit the better – do not take offense to that, you know what I mean. I will handle Delgado and his idiotic pilfering, but the ladies need to be coached to be charming and likable. No sex! Sex is dirty. Refer to every encounter between Delgado and the ladies as a date.”

  “So is this a date?” She motions between our genitals and cocks her eyebrows.

  “This, is hot sex,” I say flatly.

  “You’re the boss. Not for long though.” Fiona stands and puts on her heels. “Don’t forget that tomorrow is Diane’s last day and we’re taking her to lunch.” Fiona pats my chest as I kiss the top of her head. “Okay Adam, I’m outta here. I need to go home and do laundry.”

  I grab my wallet from the dresser and beckon Fiona over with my finger. “Buy yourself something pretty,” I say, shoving a twenty between her breasts.

  She smiles, taking the money and putting it in her purse. “Good night, jerk.”

  After Fiona leaves, I drop to the floor to get my old soccer ball I keep hidden under the bed. Focusing right now is imperative – I’m also really close to beating my record of eighty-nine knee volleys. Soccer helps me relax. My dad taught me long ago about the importance of physical activity, but there’s a level of concentration in the game of soccer that surpasses most sports. There are no timeouts and no plays being yelled across the field by a quarterback – every decision is based on instinctive reaction.

  Axl Rose wails through my stereo as I count the sixtieth volley. I misjudge the placement and the ball slaps against my knee before flying across the room. Fuck, 10:2? A jury of ten women and two men equals one ballsy move.

  Welcome to the jungle.

  The following morning, I arrive at my office to find Diane, wiping back tears and shoving a matronly zombie in my face. “Adam, I want you to meet Roberta.”

  I assume this is the replacement, and by the frown on Roberta’s face, I assume she’s fucking fantastic. I extend my hand, allowing her frigid fingers to graze my palm. “Pleasure to meet you, Roberta. I hope you find Davis, Jenkins and Shaw a rewarding place of employment. Diane, do you mind stepping into my office a moment?” I nod to Roberta as Diane follows me into my office. I motion for her to shut the door and then clutch my heart dramatically.

  “Hey, thanks for that. I missed my old nuns from Catholic school.” I sit behind the desk and turn on my computer. Diane sits across from me simultaneously giggling and crying.

  “Adam, you cannot be distracted and Roberta will keep you focused. This is for your own good and I know that your special someone is out there, not here.” She makes a point, my career is my number one priority right now.

  I pull open my bottom drawer and retrieve my present for Diane. As soon as I place it on my desk, she breaks into a blubbering cry. I squirm uncomfortably but I jokingly tease, “Diane, don’t make me get Sister Roberta. It’s nothing, really. Open it.” I slide the gift across my desk and she sighs.

  She unwraps the present and opens the box, gently removing her gift from the layers of tissue paper. It’s a silver garden spade charm for the bracelet she always wears and a plastic garden set for her grandson, Jack. Not a big deal.

  “Adam . . .” She shakes her head but doesn’t finish. Diane places her hand on top of mine and I lean down to kiss it. We silently say our goodbyes and then she abruptly stands. She takes her gift, smiles warmly and then leaves my office.

  I roll up my sleeves and prepare for tomorrow’s jury selection. I know the prosecutor fairly well from my days at the DA’s office, and he’s just the type of pompous asshole I need to get the jury I want. The jerk needs to feel like the victor during the selection, and I can only fight for one or two in order to appear weak. I need ten women that appreciate kind gestures, believe that femin
ism comes in many forms, and are disgusted by arrogant prosecutors – moderately difficult. I need two men that like sex, fast cars and the objectivity of women – easy.

  This is my reputation. This is my future. This has to work.

  Adam Ford

  7/31/03

  Re: Adam and the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day

  MY OFFICE WINDOW is on the north side of the building and directly faces another Fifth Ave cement behemoth – not quite the corner office of my dreams, but it’s definitely better than sharing a desk in the hollows of a dilapidated City shack. During my days at the District Attorney’s office, I would wheel around a giant file box like a nerd that didn’t want to go to his locker, but if I stayed at my desk, I felt like a prisoner chained to a 1970s cop drama. But no matter how bad the work environment was, working for the Manhattan District Attorney was amazingly fulfilling and a huge accomplishment.

  Jenkins, Shaw and Davis literally courted me. The hiring partner took me to expensive dinners and Mets games and introduced me to the second floor secretaries. I didn’t really have a master plan, but money, or rather lack of, was the catalyst in making the move. If I took the job with JS&D, I would be able to pay my law school loans in five years and live comfortably. With the small signing bonus, I was able to lease an apartment in Brooklyn Heights and move out of my friend Pete’s parents’ basement in Westchester.

  And prior to today, everything has gone according to plan. But today, on this brutally hot day of July, my perfect plan is going to shit.

  My new secretary, Sister Roberta, has ordered me lunch every day since her arrival. She doesn’t even ask what I would like or if in fact I have allergies to certain things, she just lays it neatly on my desk and frowns.

  “Lunch, Mr. Ford. I will be back at one-thirty.” Roberta hands me a printed copy of today’s messages and remaining meetings – gone are the days shooting the shit with Diane. Roberta’s probably going out to enjoy a McDonald’s Big Mac and shake, evil-grinning about the cafeteria crap she left for me. I lift the lid to the Styrofoam container – son of a bitch! Roast beef sandwich, a big-ass pickle and a carton of fucking milk. She might as well pack it in a He-Man lunchbox with a note on the napkin:

  Lunch, Mr. Ford

  I hope you hate it as much as I hate you.

  ~Roberta the Nun

  There’s a knock on my door as I shove my lunch inside the garbage can.

  “Yeah?” I grunt.

  Fiona appears in the door and quietly closes it behind her. “Hey, Adam.” She moves to the garbage can and helps me tie off the mess.

  “Do you believe this fucking shit?” I growl.

  Fiona sits down across from me and crosses her legs. Her heels must be at least four inches, because when she sits, she barely floats above the desk.

  “I have a couple of protein bars in my desk, or I could order you Chinese,” she offers.

  “I’m fine. I have a meeting with Shaw at three and I can’t really stomach anything right now.” I haven’t been able to stomach anything for days because I know what kind of meetings Mr. Shaw likes to have – he hires and he fires.

  “Adam, we need to talk.” Jesus Christ. What now?

  “Okay?” My voice is dry and irritated.

  “Would you rather go to lunch and discuss—”

  We’ve had an agreement of sorts for two months but I apparently gave her too much credit in separating sex from a relationship. “No. What do you want, Fiona?” She flinches at my sudden eruption so I try to remedy the rip-open-my-shirt-and-turn-Hulk-behavior. “Sorry for my tone. I’m really stressed with work and I don’t want drama, understand?”

  She exhales and rolls her eyes. “So, my ex-boyfriend is back in the picture. We were best friends in high school, pre-boobs, and we want to give it another shot. Who Wants to be a Millionaire is over . . . for obvious reasons.” Fiona waves her hands in front of me, welcoming me back to reality. “Hello, you need to relax. This inconsistent Adam is not the cool and confident Adam that gets what he wants.”

  My jaw tightens – I am relaxed. It takes massive amounts of self-control to not express what I’m really thinking – that I’d rather pound my chest like an angry gorilla, hopping from foot to foot. But instead, I turn my attention to my computer screen and say, “Done. Is he good to you?”

  “Yes, of course. Adam!” She raises her voice. “I’m your friend and as your friend, I’m advising you to dial the crazy back a few notches. Get your shit together and win your fucking cases.” Fiona stands and smooths her skirt. She walks over to my brown plants dying in the window and laughs. “Oh Adam, how much do you miss Diane?” How appropriate that those plants chose today to shrivel up and die.

  “Fiona, I’m fine. I’ll win the case.” I walk over to her with a bottle of water and douse the brown leaves – but there’s really no hope. Without asking, she tosses the small pots in the trashcan and gives me a patronizing smile. I return her smile, but mine is plastic and unattached. Our friendship has changed – and I will not allow her to know me.

  “I have a lot of work to do. Can you get me Nicki Mayne’s cell phone number? She’s not listed in the CUNY Fall registration portal and it’s imperative that I speak with her.” I mess around with papers on my desk and thumb through my Blackberry, hoping she takes the hint to leave me alone.

  She does. Fiona walks out the door without looking back.

  As soon as the door closes, I hurry to the trashcan to remove one of the dead plants. Would it have taken too much discipline to remember to water a tiny, helpless plant? With as much force as I can muster and without causing too much noise, I hurl the pot at the large window that once represented my perfect future . . . “Fuck.”

  “Adam, have a seat. Did you bring the Delgado file?” Curtis Shaw may look like Colonel Sanders at a Kentucky potluck dinner, but he has the reputation of being an uncompassionate prick.

  “Yes sir.” I reluctantly pass him the file, knowing that I’m serving him my balls on a manila folder.

  “You had a double major at Penn State?”

  “Yes, Political Science and Psychology.” My Psychology 101 class was so easy that I decided to continue with it as a double major. Before I decided to go to law school, I was planning a career as a political analyst, but I hate politicians, so law was the next obvious choice.

  “Psychology. Does this explain your idiotic reasoning behind Delgado? The trial starts on Monday and Franco was this close to pulling his business from our firm.” His voice lowers to an agitated grumble and his eyes narrow into dark beads. “I had to agree to sit in on the case and babysit you. Do you care to explain?” Shaw leans back in his chair with his hands resting behind his head. Holy shit, he even wears the matching suspenders to his bowtie.

  Focus Adam.

  “Yes, I wanted to distract the prosecutor by agreeing to the ten women jurors. He would see me as weak and that weakness would garner me some pity. That pity allowed me to acquire the two most contemptible male jurors in the courthouse to join the group.”

  “But why? Women do not empathize with philanderers and thieves. And you made it more difficult by doubling the odds.”

  “I understand what it looks like, sir. But women also have a connected line of thinking – empowerment. The female jurors simply need to believe the perception I create – that Mr. Delgado made a mistake, but his mistake subsequently gave three women a better life.” I keep my voice calm and persuasive, practicing how I will sell this idea to the jury. Shaw rests his hands on his belly and twiddles his thumbs, waiting for me to proceed.

  “Go on,” he barks.

  “Nicki used the money to return to college and finish her degree in Business Management. Carly quit the escort service months ago, but still continued to see Mr. Delgado on her own accord after payment stopped. She was able to put the money toward daycare for her son while she began a new career as a secretary. And Kyleigh helped pay for her mother’s chemotherapy treatments.”

  “Very sweet,
but it was solicitation with stolen money.”

  “Sir, the escort service doesn’t keep records of clients and Delgado used cash. Cash he had on hand from accounts that he mistakenly thought were his private funds. He then used this cash to reimburse the ladies for their expenses. By the time the prosecutor starts revealing actual dollar amounts, the jury will only be concerned with the fact he made a mistake, but his mistake empowered three women. Whether the jury views Delgado as the handsome prince rescuing women from the streets, a Robin Hood giving to the poor, or even if they believe the ladies are modern feminists using his money for their own dreams – women like a fantasy. And I’m prepared to give them that fantastical perception.”

  “That’s a stretch and I hope you’re also prepared for the ramifications that will follow if you screw this up.” Shaw’s spit hits me square in the nose but I don’t flinch. There will be no sign of weakness. I will win this fucking case and I will buy new plants for my office window.

  August 15, 2003

  THE FIREFIGHTER WAVES to Chloe as she politely squeezes through a group of angry women. He’s not terrible looking and he’s definitely boyfriend material, but Chloe wants more. She smiles courteously as he approaches her with a single red rose and a lopsided grin.

  This particular firefighter’s older brother died during the 9/11 attacks, and he selflessly changed careers to honor his family’s legacy of New York’s bravest. Last night, he carried six senior citizens down four flights of stairs during the Northeast Blackout. After the fireman safely transported the elderly individuals to a generator-powered waiting room, he volunteered for another four-hour shift in the darkness. He has spent hours in the gym, transforming his short frame into a muscular block of fire-fighting fury, and his honorable character surpasses his average appearance . . . but his story belongs somewhere else.