The Ondine Collection

by Ebony McKenna

  [12] Plütz is Brugel’s number one alcoholic export. It is made from fermented peaches, is 32 per cent proof and is the main ingredient in divorce proceedings.

  [13] In case you’re wondering, Ondine’s mother was very good at doing several things at once, so she talked like that too. On a good day she could get five or even seven subjects into a single sentence.

  [14] Although the elder Collette Romano’s hair and ‘dark’ parted company decades ago.

  [15] If you have a head like a guiser’s neep, you’re an incredibly ugly person. With reference to the hollowed-out turnips with candles in them, used on Guy Fawkes Night. Imagine someone with a face like a turnip that’s probably been smashed in a few times. And then run over.

  [16] It should be noted that you can’t just rock up to the Duke of Brugel’s city estate and say hello. He’s a very busy man. He has a whole country to run. In this case, because of the seriousness of Ondine and Da’s claims, the Duke decided to make an exception.

  [17] The Duke’s city residence is so big it has its own postcode.

  [18] The philtrum is the cute little indent just below your nose. It is also the trickiest part to shave and requires a steady hand and very narrow razor.

  [19] Brugel uses the metric system, which can be terribly confusing to the three remaining countries in the world not using it. (Hello Burma, Liberia and USA) One metre is about three feet, ten kilometres is about six miles. However, newborn babies the world over are still weighed in pounds.

  [20] Every time this happened, she promised herself she’d use these great lines next time she and Da had a barney. But it never worked out like that.

  [21] Mockit – filthy and disgusting. Like armpits and road kill.

  [22] Cold stovies are leftovers from the stove. Builds up the immune system.

  [23] The average age for a first marriage in Brugel is one of the lowest in Europe. It’s 22.4 for men and 21.1 for women, so Marguerite is bang on average. In nearby Poland it is 26.2 for men, 23 for women. In contrast, Sweden is 32.9 for men, 30.4 for women. The link between early age of first marriage and lack of anything decent on television is yet to be proved.

  [24] Stoat the ba’ – when a man and a woman love each other very much and have a very special cuddle. Only in this case the woman is very young and isn’t yet legally supposed to be having those sorts of cuddles. And the man is well aware of that fact.

  [25] Chefs work long and odd hours. They are awake at night and catch up on sleep during the day. It’s rare for them to get out much, or to see the sun. Just as you should never trust a thin chef (because if they’re not eating their food, neither should you), you should never trust a chef with a tan.

  [26] A fiddler’s biddin’ is a last-minute invitation.

  [27] To say this is flat-out rude. It means “you’re talking pish”

  [28] Committed to the ‘loony section’ of the nearest asylum. Those in severe mental distress are sent to the writers’ section.

  [29] Ferrets require a diet high in protein and fat, and low in carbohydrates. Sausages fit the bill nicely, provided they are not filled with breadcrumbs. Sausages can also become a bit tedious. It doesn’t matter what you do with a sausage or how many herbs or semi-sundried tomatoes you add, after a while they all taste the same.

  [30] Always have a big breakfast. It gets the metabolism going for the day and helps you think straight. Skip breakfast and you lose ten IQ points.

  [31] It was for twelve people. Ouch!

  [32] In a parallel universe, Ondine remained at Psychic Summercamp and failed all her subjects, then returned home to find a pile of smouldering ash where the hotel and her home used to be. Josef had walked into the kitchen and discovered Cybelle and Chef in a passionate embrace. He’d lost his temper and thrown the nearest thing to hand – a jug of water – at the pair of them. The jug missed its target and landed in the roiling deep fryer, which exploded and set the kitchen on fire. They didn’t know the health inspector was due to arrive the next morning, but in any case, his visit was a moot point.

  In yet another parallel universe, the health inspector decided to arrive two weeks early and was hit by the 7.05 express as he attempted to cross the train tracks. This was because the pedestrian walkway hadn’t opened yet.

  [33] In Brugel banks are open Mondays from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., Tuesdays from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m., Thursdays and Fridays from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Closed Wednesdays and weekends.

  As an interesting side note to history, Brugel’s First Minister vetoed Euros in 2004 after he saw the first pressing of Brugel’s 20-cent Euro coin featuring a banker in a hammock. The coins were withdrawn from circulation, but are available for bids over US$20 on BeBay, Brugel’s answer to eBay.

  [34] Prior to decimal currency, Brugel had a brief period of cinquimal currency. Five Drops to the Schlip, five Schlips to the Pennig, five Pennigs to the Lipp. The closest equivalent of the Lipp is about two Euros. Or as people remember it fondly, many a drop is schlip between the pennig and the lipp.

  [35] A completely unnecessary yet strangely compelling device to attach sparkly plastic jewels to your clothes.

  [36] a) Something that looks good at first but turns out to be horrible, or just plain rubbish. b) Used to make sausages.

  [37] Before the Internet, there was the Dewey Decimal System, created by American Melville Dewey in 1876. It’s still in library use across the world today. While an excellent organiser with the kind of OCD most pedants can only dream of, his spelling was atrocious. Leading by example, he changed his name to Melvil Dui to encourage ‘Merikans to remoov redundt letrs.

  [38] Naphthalene is a magnificent compound for preventing moths and silverfish from eating your clothes. However, the smell is almost impossible to eradicate, which explains why your nana smells like that.

  [39] Ancient Brugler-Latin for ‘born to rule’.

  [40] You may be wondering why Ondine didn’t just get on the Internet and look this up. But remember, this story happened twelve years ago, and things were different then. Not that they’ve changed all that much. Truth be told, Brugel is the only country in Europe without broadband. They also have high tariffs on imported computers, to encourage people to “Buy Brugel Made”.

  Their phone system is prone to outages as well, which is why they still have a voting panel for the Eurovision Song Contest instead of phone and SMS voting. Brugel always gives twelve points to Slovakia, which has led to accusations of vote-rigging. Especially the year when Slovakia wasn’t even in the finals.

  [41] Oose – mighty big clumps of dust that gang up into fluffmonsters. The origin of this phrase is impossible to verify, much like a Freemason’s secret handshake. For more information on Freemasonry, follow the adventures of Pierre in Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Or check out Freemasons for Dummies.

  [42] Ferrets are famous salad dodgers, and are unable to process sugars or even vegetable protein. Don’t feed them raisins, as ferrets are also known to hoard their food. The sugar rush from a raisin bender can put them in a coma. Likewise with alcohol, but that’s just common sense.

  [43] Sit Nice. Instruction for children to behave, used sparingly if at all, because of its negligible value in teaching children anything. More often used as a precursor to a smack. As in, “I told ye tae sit nice and ye didnae. (Smack!) Now stop crying and go to your room.”

  [44] Often spoken in comfort, but just as often not, depending on tone, e.g. “Oh, did ye drop yer wee bottle of ginger and it’s all splished away? Ach, dry yer eyes.”

  Compared to: “Ye fell out the windae and got a compound fracture? Ach, dry yer eyes.” Closest modern equivalent is “Suck it up and get back to work.”

  [45] It may seem short notice to be having the engagement party so soon after Josef discovered his eldest’s intentions. However, just as Ma had kept a good secret from her husband about Margi and Thomas, she’d also kept the party secret, only telling Josef the day before that it was on. Her reasoning was that if she didn’t tell him until the last
minute, and everybody they’d invited was coming, it would be too late to cancel it.

  [46] Vomit. A lot. Usually after drinking. A lot.

  [47] They’d “shrunk” in the wash during Colette’s first pregnancy with Marguerite. Men often gain weight when their wives or partners are pregnant. Some call it sympathetic eating, others claim it’s Couvade’s Syndrome, where a man experiences the same pregnancy symptoms as his partner because he’s so “in touch” with her feelings. The most likely explanation is too many pies.

  [48] If you’re the kind of person who likes steak “well done”, consider this: Do you like it incinerated because you really do want to get cancer from eating burnt food, or is it because you can’t handle the sight of blood? If it’s because you can’t handle a bit of pink, then you’re a wuss. Steak should be well-pink inside, and dripping beautiful bloody juices on to the plate. And another thing. If you order your steak “well done” you’ll get the lousy piece of meat, because the chef thinks you don’t know anything about how real food should taste.

  [49] It’s a known fact that parents do have these superpowers, but only in limited supply. Many possess glares that can root you to the spot. Mom’s spit on a napkin is the most powerful grime solvent in the known universe. They also have unlimited resources to make you feel guilty for doing just about anything even remotely out of line. They are also good at getting lids off jars with seemingly little effort, and know just about everything about anything, so you will never win an argument. Children of the world rejoice, for kryptonite is at hand. Make them breakfast in bed and tell them you love them, often. For then they will be yours and they will do your bidding.

  [50] It would be rude to suggest that she was doing that deliberately so she could get a look at his trim backside, which fitted rather snugly in Josef’s old pants. But yeah, she looked, and it was good.

  [51] Unpleasant business. The result of which seriously dented Charles Lamb’s writing career. Shakespeare suffered no such problems.

  [52] Beer goggles make everyone look much more attractive than they really are. Especially at closing time when there aren’t many singles left in the bar.

  [53] A popular form of entertainment, with dancing and music, pronounced “kay-lee”. Not to be confused with “Kylie”, who is a popular entertainer.

  [54] Fancy French finger food. Pronounced “or-dervs” with a hint of garlic breath.

  [55] Ferrets are incredibly handy at Ferreting. This involves finding a rabbit warren, blocking off all exits bar one, and sending a ferret or three into the burrow. All the trapper need do is wait at the exit with a large Hessian bag and an appetite for rabbit stew.

  [56] In which further grocers claimed Ondine would send them to the poor house and that they’d have to come begging at the hotel for food, or sell their children on the black market. In Brugel, traders take drama classes so they can bring their A-game to haggling.

  [57] You liar, I’m going to hit you.

  [58] I’ll put my fist where it’s not welcome.

  [59] I’ll get my revenge.

  [60] And don’t even think about trying to silence me.

  [61] Sorry to break it to you. Ach, dry yer eyes.

  [62] How to judge parental mood by the name they call you. e.g. Ondi = Ma in a good mood.

  Ondine = Ma is busy.

  Ondine de Groot = Ma is really narked.

  Ondine Benedicte Wilhelmina de Groot = Ma’s just walked in and Ondine’s standing over a dead body with a bloody knife in her hand

  [63] This had been her first Serious Kiss, so it required capitalisation. Considering Ondine is fifteen, it shows how protected her life had been up until that point.

  [64] What is it with parents always correcting your grammar? They’d never do it to their friends.

  [65] Brugel’s government school system is nominally free, a legacy from the Soviet days. However, parents are required to make “voluntary” payments in exchange for copies of their children’s term reports. There are also fees for subjects that incur extra costs for excursions or equipment. The most expensive electives are winter sports (ski fees) and media studies (camcorder fees). Both these subjects were high on Ondine’s list of electives.

  [66] While it’s true Colette Romano did not drink alcohol until she was nearly twenty-five, she made up for it pretty quickly after that.

  [67] Anyone whose parents run a restaurant will attest that these things do happen. Friends who come home with you after school think it’s “fun” to iron tablecloths and do the dishes. That is, until they realise at the end of the night the parental units think it’s all “fun” as well, and give lollies instead of cash payment for work done. Said “friends” will then never come back.

  [68] Seriously, what’s with the scrunched-up napkin in the middle of a dirty plate? It looks revolting. Have you any idea how hard it is to get blueberry roulade stains out of linen napkins? Just line your knife and fork together across the centre of the plate, with the tip of the knife at twelve o’clock. If you’ve grown up with digital clocks, seek urgent deportment lessons.

  [69] All reekie - smelly. Not to be confused with Auld Reekie, otherwise known as Edinburgh.

  [70] Giving it laldy - to do something with great vigour, whether delivering a beating, using a credit card or playing the piano.

  [71] Pale or blanched. Like when the colour drains from your face when a gorgeous man suddenly appears under your bed.

  [72] Sit down, shut up, hold your tongue and pay attention.

  [73] The fact that “Brugel” is an anagram of “burgle” is a total coincidence.

  [74] Brugel’s top military school. Technically it’s a reform school with nicer uniforms. And guns. Which is pretty disturbing when you think about it – they take the worst delinquents from the richest families, then teach them how to use weapons.

  [75] “Scudded” is so a word. It means “thoughts that shoot through”. Just like Scud missiles, sometimes they hit their target with devastating effect. More often than not, they go way off course.

  [76] New Zealand is about the furthest away from Brugel you can get on the planet. If you try and get any further away, you’ll start getting closer again.

  [77] The Duke of Brugel is the hereditary head of state for the Constitutional Duchy of Brugel, a former Soviet bloc country in Eastern Europe that still hasn’t won Eurovision. Venzelemma, where Ondine lives with her family, is Brugel’s capital city. Some people might ask, if Brugel was a Soviet state, how did the Duchy survive? Good question. For answers, read The Complete History of Brugel, by Shaaron Melvedeir – 250 pages of folklore, facts, figures and the occasional photo. Another book, Everything Shaaron Melvedeir Says is Rubbish, by Isaak Drixen, 745 pages, is the subject of Brugel’s longest-running defamation action.

  [78] City Savers are very good value, but only for off-peak travel. All visitors to Venzelemma should buy a ten-pack to see the best the city has to offer. The central hospital with its neo-gothic exterior, flying buttresses and vaulted ceilings in the foyer are a must. The hospital is conveniently located within staggering distance of Brugel’s largest fish market, so visitors overcome by the stench of rotting seafood can get prompt treatment.

  [79] In Brugel, each dropped object carries a unique verb. For example, dropped cutlery clatters, dropped luggage cludders.

  [80] This was no disparaging comment, merely the truth. Colette Romano was a witch. The fact that she needed less than an hour to be ready for travel – and levitate five packed cases across a street – proved it.

  [81] Second is the logical yet slightly insulting term used by Bruglers (the residents of Brugel, who speak Brugelish) to describe any thing that is not first. It can mean as much as missing the 100-metre final by a gnat’s wing, or losing three sets to love in the first round of the Venzelemma Grand Slam.

  [82] “Palechia” is Brugelish for “palace”. It is pronounced “pe-cha”. Scholars insist the word was originally pronounced “PAL-e-CHEE-a” as recently as two hundred and f
ifty years ago. When Wiwyam The Gweat became Duke in 1799, his fondness for removing people’s heads from their shoulders made the rest of his advisors wewuctant to cowwect his many speech impediments.

  [83] Numpty means unwise. If a witch has previously become very cross with you and turned you into a ferret, you’d be numpty to think you could ever trust her.

  [84] See Ondine: The Summer of Shambles.

  [85] When the Duke met Old Col, he took a shine to her. Naturally, he wanted someone with her witchery skills to be working for him. If not, she might end up working against him, and that was a chance the Duke wasn’t willing to take.

  [86] “Barry” means “very nice”, “great” even. Nice meal, great place, fabulous view, etc. Outside Edinburgh, “to Barry” means to be sick. It’s really important not to confuse the two, otherwise you might end up insulting someone.

  [87] Usually backstory does not belong at the front of the book. Ondine was aware of this and kept her episode of reminiscing brief.

  [88] Darjeeling is expensive fancy-pants tea. It was introduced to Brugel when Marco Polo opened up the spice trade to Asia.

  [89] In the process of receiving World Heritage Listing. Knocks Argentina’s Ischigualasto for six.

  [90] Not to be confused with Lake Omski, just outside Budapest, which has nude sunbathing (in summer only).

  [91] An old saying in Brugel, which means you have lots of money. It does not refer to actual pillows of gold, as they are uncomfortable to sleep on. The phrase originates from rich people hiding banknotes and valuables under their mattresses for safekeeping. This behaviour is a result of Brugel’s archaic banking system and the protracted recessions of 1972 to March 1987, and September 1987 to early 1996. Then from 2008 until the present day.

  [92] The palechia is one of the grandest estates in Eastern Europe and is sometimes called the Versailles of Brugel. A little-known fact: the palechia inspired the redesign of Polesden Lacey in Surrey, England, which is built on a far smaller and, dare we say, more affordable, scale.

  [93] “Goiven” is a word that means nothing, but can stand in the place of a great many swear words.