Tragic Beauty

by Iris Ann Hunter

  I let her go, then get to thinking about my reason for heading out tonight. We’ll be half-naked and wet, which in some ways is a step in that direction I guess, but somehow it doesn’t feel right. Not because I don’t want him, but because it feels like I would be using him. In a bar or a nightclub, like I planned originally, it seems more like fair game. Like that’s what would be expected when two people hook up while out for a good time. But this, the way Gavin and I have been thrown together, it isn’t the same. There’s no future for us, not that he would want one with me anyway, but it feels like it would be wrong to try to seduce him. So while the thought of Shayne being my first is enough to make my stomach turn, I decide to let it go. The thought is a reminder though, of what I have waiting for me when I return home. But it feels a world away, like I’ve slipped into some fairy tale that inevitably has to end.

  I wonder if this is how Cinderella felt.

  When I walk downstairs, Gavin is still standing in the same spot, gazing out. I walk up next to him, but he doesn’t move. It takes me a moment to realize he’s watching me through the reflection in the glass. His eyes are fixed on me, roaming quietly. His gaze lingers on my arms that are crossed over my breasts and I think I see something of a smile play along his lips, then he opens the slider.

  “After you,” he says, his eyes dark but unmistakably playful.

  I walk past him onto a large covered patio, knowing his gaze follows me. It’s cold, and once I clear the overhang I feel the crisp, cool rain along my bare skin. I can’t help but squeal and run for the shallow area and lunge in. Behind me, I hear a chuckle followed by a loud splash in the deep end.

  I sink completely into the warm water. When I surface, the chilly night air and falling rain tickles my face. All around it glows like magic, like the pool is lit from someplace deep within the earth. The heat floats along the surface and drifts up towards the stormy sky. The clouds are glowing too, the full moon doing its best to peak through the cracks. Out over the pool, there’s nothing but darkness, making it feel like we’re on the edge of the world.

  Gavin appears, surfacing from the water. He swipes his hair back, his lashes wet and dark against green eyes that look like sparkling emeralds in the eerie light. I thought he was sexy before…

  With a few easy strokes of his arms he moves closer, standing not too far away from me. “Good?” he asks.

  I nod and grin. Actually grin. I think I surprise Gavin as much as myself, because his mouth falls open a little.

  “I think that’s the first smile I’ve seen from you,” he says.

  I turn away, oddly embarrassed, and wade over to sit on the steps. The water laps at my neck and shoulders while I do my best not to stare at the dark-eyed man near me.

  “When I can’t sleep,” he says, turning to float on his back, “I’ll go for a swim. Always helps.”

  I wonder what would keep him up at night. Stress? Pressure? I know his job has lots of perks, but being famous the way he is, I’m not naïve enough to think there are no downsides.

  He flips over and makes his way to the side, where he leans back and stretches his sculpted arms out along the ledge. With a tilt of his head, he looks at me. “How is it you never learned to swim?”

  I shrug. “Never had the chance.”

  “Where’d you grow up? Kansas or something?”

  I shake my head, but see he’s waiting for more.

  “A little town north of here,” I say.

  “Where?”

  Something in my gut keeps me from giving the name away. Los Ramos isn’t that far, and for all I know, Shayne might be a friend of his. So I just say, “No place special.”

  By the way his eyes narrow on me, I know he doesn’t like my answer. “You’re being vague again.”

  I look down at my hands floating in the water, knowing that’s all I can give him.

  There’s silence now, nothing but the sound of falling rain and the slow ripple of water against the side of the pool.

  “What’s going on with you?” he asks. “You in some kind of trouble, or running from something?”

  I shake my head, still staring at my hands.

  “Fine,” he snaps. “But I think you’re lying to me.” He shoves himself off the wall and disappears under the water and off to the deep end, away from me.

  I suppose I deserve it.

  I move off the stairs and float around for a bit, watching Gavin do laps. It’s difficult not to stare at him, the way his body glides through the water, causing barely a ripple.

  After a while, he makes his way past me and settles onto the stairs. I take a dunk underwater and rise, and feel his eyes on me again.

  “Alright,” he says, his tone softer. “What can you tell me about yourself?”

  He’s trying. He’s trying so hard.

  So I give him something. “I love horses.”

  His eyebrows lift. “Yeah? So you ride?”

  I nod.

  “Have any of your own?”

  I shake my head. “I want to though. It’s my dream. I want to rescue them.”

  He nods, like he’s mulling the information over.

  I move to the edge and rest my arms on the cool stone, a nice contrast to the heat of the water.

  I glance his way and see he’s staring off into space, like he’s somewhere else. “I grew up with horses,” he says absently. He takes in a sharp breath, as though suddenly returning from wherever he was, and turns to me. “We had a few ranch horses. Cattle, too.”

  For some reason, those words make my pulse quicken. It’s not what I would’ve expected from him.

  “Used to ride a lot when I was a kid,” he goes on. “But not anymore. Always did like them, though. Powerful animals. Beautiful, too.”

  The more I get to know him, the more my heart aches in this weird sort of way. I try not to think about it and lean my head on my arms and close my eyes. The rain has softened even more, but I can still feel the drops falling onto my face, still hear the gentle pitter-patter as they land in the water.

  “Is it my acting?”

  I lift my head and glance to Gavin, not understanding.

  “My acting…” he says again, “for why you think my movies are just alright.”

  I would smile if it wasn’t for the vulnerability lurking in his eyes.

  “No,” I say. “The acting’s good.” Truth is, it’s great. I just can’t bring myself to stroke his ego that way. He no doubt has plenty of people to do that for him.

  He frowns. “Just good?”

  This time I can’t help but smile, something I seem inclined to do around him. “Better than good. Happy?”

  No, he isn’t happy. But he isn’t angry. He simply looks…frustrated.

  “Then, what is it?”

  “What is what?”

  “You know.”

  I grin. Again. I can’t help it.

  Gavin narrows his eyes on me. “You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?”

  I seal my lips and shake my head, trying desperately to keep up the charade.

  “You are!” With a playful growl, he lunges at me.

  I squeal and try to cut to my right, but he’s there with lightning speed, wrapping me in a bear hug from behind. My body jolts with white hot heat, his arms strong and tight around me.

  “What—what are you—?” I can’t get the words out, because there’s suddenly a sound so foreign, I can’t focus on anything else. It’s me. I’m…laughing…actually laughing…laughing so hard my stomach hurts and I can barely breathe.

  “Admit it,” he rumbles into my ear. “Admit you love my movies.”

  I struggle against him and shake my head, the laughter still tumbling out of me. Slowly, we begin to move, and the bottom begins to slant. “Wait,” I gasp. “Wh—what are you doing?”

  “Getting you to admit it.”

  Panic begins to set in, but I still can’t stop laughing. “You—you can’t—”

  “Say it.”

  The ground leaves
my feet and now nothing’s holding me up but him. I’m not laughing anymore. I grip his forearms that have me trapped. “You wouldn’t.”

  “Try me.”

  With a surge, he sends us further into the deep end, one of his arms leaving me to tread water, the other still wrapped tightly around me. “Oh God, Gavin, I—”

  “I’m waiting.”

  “Okay, okay. I love your movies. Now take me back.”

  “Say: Gavin, you’re the best actor in the world and you deserve an Oscar.”

  “You’re a bastard, you know that?”

  “Yes. I’m aware. Now say it.”

  I groan but can’t hide the laugh behind it. “Gavin, you asshole, you’re the best and most annoying actor in the world and you deserve a damn Oscar, or at least a nomination. There. Close enough. Now take me back. Right. Fucking. Now.”

  He chuckles deep and sexy in my ear. “That’s the most words I’ve heard from you all night. See, I knew you had it in you.”

  I’d be amazed too, were it not for the panic still pounding its way through my body.

  But it begins to fade as he starts guiding us back to the shallow end, until we’re standing once again on solid ground. But he doesn’t let go. Instead, he just holds me, and I become suddenly aware of the feel of his body against mine. And there’s something else. Something…hard.

  My breath vanishes.

  I feel the grate of his cheek along my ear, feel the graze of his lips along my neck. My body melts into his and a rush of heat surges between my legs. Then he’s gone, leaving nothing but the water lapping at my back. When I turn around, he’s standing a few feet away, his broad chest heaving. I watch his dark eyes drift to my breasts and his lips part. That’s when I realize I’m only waist deep in water.

  “Jesus,” he hisses. With a surge he moves past me, up the stairs and out, his hand once again adjusting his crotch. Only this time, he doesn’t bother trying to hide it.

  “Where are you going?” I ask, feeling strangely abandoned.

  “To bed.”

  “Why? What did I do wrong?”

  He grabs a towel from a patio chair and wipes himself down, then secures the towel around his waist. It’s a long moment before he turns to face me. I’m out of the water now, standing at the edge of the pool. I don’t bother trying to cover myself up.

  I become faintly aware the rain has stopped when the full moon breaks through the clouds, sending the world around us into a silvery sheen. But all I can focus on is Gavin, who grabs the other towel and slowly make his way back to me. He places the towel around my shoulders, then swipes a caress across my cheek that steals my breath.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Ava. You’re perfect. But I brought you here to help you, not take advantage of you.”

  I lift my chin. “Nobody takes advantage of me. Not even you.”

  He sighs and smiles, but it’s a sad smile. “Still. I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it.” His gaze drifts over my face as though taking in every feature, every detail, then he gently tucks back a wet lock of my hair. “Besides, you’re too good a woman to have a fling with a man like me. And that’s all it’ll be. A fling. I’m not good for anything else. I have no room for anything else. I’m sorry.”

  He leans down and presses a gentle kiss on my forehead that brings a tightness to my throat.

  I don’t want this to end.

  It can’t end.

  Not like this.

  He turns away and walks steadfast to the door and pauses, head bowed. “Burt texted me earlier. Said he’d have the car out front by five.” He doesn’t even look my way, or say goodbye.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  I stand there in a daze, Gavin’s words still lingering around me. Slowly, I turn around and find myself staring out over the city, taking in the sort of view I’ve never seen before. So many little lights twinkle in a rainbow of colors, but they all begin to blur as my eyes fill with tears that spill over quietly. I look up and stare at the big, white rock, drifting between clouds. It seems so close…so close I could almost reach out and touch it. I follow the moonbeams down, to the shadows and silhouettes that whisper all around me. Off to the side, I see a path, leading to a dark forest of trees that rests on a gentle downward slope, its treetops glistening in the moonlight. I stare at it, at the darkness that lays waiting just beyond. It calls to me, because it’s the only thing around me that feels familiar. This house, this city, this view, it’s like foreign lands to me. But the trees, that forest, with a familiar sky overhead, promises me shelter, a cocoon of nature I want to lose myself in, because it all hurts so much. Too much.

  I want it to be him.

  I want him to be my first.

  The idea that he isn’t into anything more than a fling has me thinking—maybe I could do this with him after all.

  If he’ll let me.

  I turn around and head back inside, where it’s quiet and dimly lit. I wander past the sleeping fireplace, to the laundry room, and take my clothes out of the dryer. The red dress looks so strange now, like from a different time. I take the wet clothes I’m wearing and put them in the dryer, then wrap the towel around me and make my way up the stairs. At the end of the hall, I see a glow coming from beneath the double doors, but it disappears before my eyes.

  At the door to my room, I stop, one hand on the latch, the other holding the towel. I’m at one of those crossroads, the kind where life can go one way or the other. I can go inside, get in bed and accept that Shayne will be my first.

  Or…

  I open the door, toss my dry clothes in the room, then walk slowly down the hall. At the double doors I stop, my heart pounding within me. I think about what I’ll say, how much I should reveal. If I tell him I’m a virgin, I know he’ll refuse me. I won’t bleed, but I wonder if he’ll be able to tell by my inexperience. I’ve never even kissed a man. But the certainty of what I have waiting for me back home offers me strength.

  I need it to be him.

  As quiet as I can, I open the door with a shaky hand and step inside.

  Moonlight streams in through a giant window off to my right, casting rays across the large room that holds nothing more than a punching bag off to the side, and a bed that appears to float off the ground. I expect to see Gavin lying on the mattress, but instead, he’s sitting on the edge, in his underwear, his head in his hands.

  When the door clicks closed behind me, his head jerks up.

  It takes only the barest physical effort to let my fingers release the towel. It’s such a simple movement, with such drastic consequences, sort of like how it might feel stepping off a cliff.

  I stand there, hoping he can’t see how much I’m trembling.

  Gavin sits fully upright. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  He sounds angry, like the beast I first met back on the freeway, but still I walk towards him, feeling vulnerable, feeling the spotlight of the moon shine on my naked body as I walk into its rays. I watch his eyes turn dark and hungry.

  I stand before him now, my hair wet around my shoulders, my skin hot like it’s on fire. Carefully, I reach for his hand and lift it to my breast. I gasp when our flesh makes contact, and a low groan seeps from his throat, but he yanks his hand away.

  “I can’t,” he snaps.

  Determined, I reach for his hand again, but he grabs my wrist and yanks me to my knees. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

  “Yes. I do.”

  “No. You don’t. I’m a brutal lover, Ava. And with where my head’s at right now, I have no place touching a woman, much less a woman like you.”

  Like me.

  I don’t understand what that means. I turn away, afraid to ask, afraid to know, but he takes my chin and guides my gaze back to his. The anger in his eyes is still there, but now there’s regret, and sadness too. “You put on a good show, Ava, but you’re more delicate than you let on.”

  I swallow, still not understanding. “And that’s…bad?”

  His lips t
ighten and his hand falls away. “I’m not a gentle man.”

  I reach out slowly and run my fingertips along the dark line of his jaw. “I don’t need you to be gentle. I can’t afford gentle.” It’s the truth. It may seem strange, but I know what my future holds. It won’t be gentle. It will be anything but gentle. And I want—no need—to experience it first at the hands of someone I trust, someone I care about, which seems odd to be thinking that way about him after only one evening together. But somehow, the series of events we’ve been through, just in the course of a night, has brought us…close. And I do. I care about him.

  He stares at me, and I think perhaps I’ve broken through to him, but his face grows tight and he jerks away from me and stalks to the other side of the room, by the punching bag. He turns and faces me, hands in fists by his side. “Get out!"

  His words are so loud and so harsh, they feel like a sharp slap across my face. Tears fill my eyes, and I rise onto shaky legs.

  So close.

  After everything that’s happened tonight—so damn close, but he won’t have me. “Coward,” I hiss, then storm for the door.

  A dark flash of something closes in from the side and I’m suddenly whirled around and shoved into the wall with strong, angry hands. “What’d you call me?”

  I meet his menacing eyes head on. “A coward.”

  “I’m a coward because I’m trying to protect you?”

  “I don’t need your protection.” I need you.

  “So you want to be hurt, is that it? Because that’s what I’ll do, Ava. That’s what gets me off.” I blink and he closes in, sensing weakness. “You know what else will get me off? Pushing you. Pushing you to your limits. Pushing until you can’t take anymore. You’ll beg me to stop. Hopefully even cry. And you know what I’ll do?”

  I swallow and shake my head.

  He leans in, brushing his lips against my ear, and whispers, “I’ll push you some more.”

  I gasp. His voice. The way it sounds. The cruelty behind it. The coldness. I thought he was a different kind of beast. But—I was wrong.

  All my courage is gone, vaporized into oblivion. I push past him, staggering backwards as a sob breaks, all my hopes shattered…again. He watches me with an odd sort of detachment, as I tear through the door and flee.