Life Rewritten

by Margaret Watson

  “How can you be so calm about this?” he demanded.

  She was far from calm. She’d been jittery and on edge since she’d made that call to her agent. But she didn’t want to let him see how the thought of being exposed unnerved her. That would really be stripping herself bare. “I’ll be okay unless you lead the press to me. Are you going to do that, Sam?”

  Instead of the instant denial she expected, he drew her close and wrapped his arms around her. “Not if I can help it.”

  She pushed him away. “Not if I can help it? What’s that supposed to mean? Of course you can help it. If you don’t tell anyone, nothing will happen.”

  “What about Leo and Rennie? They’re smart kids. If you’re spending time with them and working on the music, they might figure it out.”

  “I hadn’t thought about the kids.” Sam was right. Leo, she suspected, would be very good at picking up clues. He had to be, in order to survive with an unpredictable mother. And Rennie was just a baby. She wouldn’t think twice about telling anyone about her father’s new music.

  “You shouldn’t have made that call.” Sam’s face was bleak as he wrapped his arms around her again. “I’m going to kick your ass,” he murmured into her hair. “Any minute now.”

  She put her arms around him and inhaled his scent, and some of the tension in his body eased. She’d wanted to talk to him Saturday night, when she’d tossed and turned in bed, edgy and scared.

  She’d wanted to see him yesterday, while she paced the barn, unable to work.

  Last night, she’d just wanted him.

  They stood holding each other in the silence of the barn. Outside, a robin sang, and the sun poured in through the window. His heart beat against her chest, steady and comforting. Reassuring.

  When she finally stepped away, he slid his hand down her arm and clung to her for a moment. “So.” She cleared her throat and stepped back. “How did the kids make out this morning?”

  “Leo acted the way he usually does—like he’s cool and it’s no big deal. But he looked a little anxious. Rennie was clingy. The teachers and the principal were experts at dividing the herd and sending me into the ‘out of the building’ chute.”

  He didn’t realize he’d identified the three of them as a herd. “New situations are always hard, but they’ve had to adapt to a lot of changes already. I’m sure they’ll be fine.” Delaney smiled brightly. “Now you probably want to get home so you can do some work.”

  She tried to lead him to the door, but he shook his head. “Forget it. I’ve already been handled once today.” His voice became serious. “Any idea how to work the Chantal thing with Leo and Rennie?”

  Delaney wanted a relationship with them. Could she have one if they knew who she was? “I suppose ‘ignore it’ isn’t an option.”

  “Sure it is. We’ll just have to be careful what we say around them.”

  She didn’t want her relationship with Leo and Rennie to be based on a lie. “No, we need to tell them. I don’t want to be another adult who lied to them.”

  “You want to be the anti-Heather?”

  The Heather she remembered didn’t deserve those kids. Was that what she wanted? To push Heather out of their lives? “I can’t take their mother’s place, but I can be an adult who is honest with them.”

  He leaned against the door frame. “Okay, but it doesn’t have to happen yet. You can get to know them a little better before you drop that bomb.”

  She wanted to put it off as long as she could. But that was only cowardice on her part. “No, we should do it right away. Get it over with.”

  “Not yet.”

  “Why not?”

  He shoved his hand through his hair again. “Heather might have talked about you. I have no idea how the kids will react.”

  “Badly, probably.” She tried to sound matter-of-fact as her stomach twisted into a knot. Heather wouldn’t have said anything positive about her. “It will hurt if they reject me. But it would be worse if I got close to them, and then they found out. They’d feel betrayed.”

  His jaw worked. “Damn it! How am I supposed to make that choice?”

  “It’s not up to you. It’s my choice.”

  “I’m their uncle. I’m responsible for them. I should have some say in this.”

  Did he realize what he’d just said? Delaney had never heard him refer to himself as their uncle. “It will be really hard if they tell me they hate me. Or that they never want to see me again. But I can’t spend any more time with them without telling them the truth.” She knew what she had to do. “Bring them over here tonight. I’ll make dinner for us, and we can tell them who I am.”

  “I shouldn’t have brought them up here with me. I should have taken out a loan and put them in that school before I came looking for you.”

  “Unintended consequences are a bitch, aren’t they?” She knew all about them. She’d lived with the guilt for three years. “But I’m glad they’re here. Glad I met them.” Even if it ended up hurting in the long run.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  “THIS IS GOOD, DELANEY,” Rennie said as she chewed on a mouthful of pasta. “It doesn’t taste anything like regular macadoodle.”

  Both kids had been astonished at the idea of macaroni and cheese that didn’t come in a box. “Thanks, Rennie.” Delaney pushed a pasta curl from one side of her plate to another and forced a smile. “I’m glad you could come over for dinner.”Telling the kids tonight was going to be so hard. But if she became a part of their lives, she didn’t want it to be under false pretenses.

  She felt Sam watching her, but instead of looking at him, she took a tiny bite of salad. He read her far too easily, and he’d use her reluctance to try and change her mind.

  Rennie picked up the slice of cucumber from one of the little vegetable people Delaney had made, and announced, “I’m going to eat my person’s head.” She dunked it in the little dish of ranch dressing, then bit off a piece with delight.

  “You don’t eat the head first,” Leo said scornfully. He grabbed a celery stick leg. “You have to torture them first.”

  Sam raised his eyebrows as the kids raced each other to eat the vegetables. He moved his arm a little so his hand was almost touching Delaney’s, then brushed one finger over the back of hers. “You’re a genius.”

  No, she wasn’t. A genius would have kept Sam and the kids at a distance from the very beginning.

  But Rennie had crept into her heart the moment she’d seen the girl, cold and wet and lost. Leo, with his tough shell and his bruised eyes, had broken her heart.

  She wanted to be part of their lives, and this was the price she had to pay.

  She moved her hand away from Sam’s. “Why don’t you all go into the living room while I clean up?” She forced a smile. “Anyone want some ice cream?”

  Both Leo and Rennie were smiling as they carried bowls of chocolate chip ice cream into the living room. She watched until they disappeared, then began rinsing dishes and loading them into the dishwasher. Would they be smiling after she told them who she was? She doubted it.

  As she was wiping the table, hoping to put off the painful revelation for as long as possible, Sam returned to the kitchen. He watched her for a moment, then took the dishrag out of her hand.

  “Don’t do this, Delaney. Don’t tell them.”

  “I have to.” She watched as he tossed the cloth into the sink.

  “Why? Rennie adores you. Leo likes you, too, although he won’t admit it.” Sam took her hand. “I know you want to get to know them. Why jeopardize that before it’s necessary? They may not figure out who you are right away—we might be back in Miami by then. You’ll have hurt yourself for nothing.”

  A new wave of pain struck her. Regardless of whether or not she told Leo and Rennie who she was, they weren’t going to be part of her life. She had a couple of months with them. That was all.

  It was a good reminder that she shouldn’t start to build dreams. That their time together would end, sooner
rather than later.

  “But when they do find out they’ll feel betrayed. Hurt. They’ll hate me.” A lot of people probably hated Chantal, but she didn’t want to add Leo and Rennie to the list. If she told them now and they took it badly, she’d have time to help them past their anger.

  She put her hand into her pocket and fingered the AA token. There was no reason to keep it a secret from Sam. He knew far worse about her. She pulled it out. “Do you know what this is?”

  He read it, then put it back into her hand and closed her fist around it. “AA?”

  “Yes. I have to apologize to the people I’ve hurt. I have to make it right. I hurt those kids when I had an affair with their father. Maybe saving them from more hurt is all I can do for them now. Maybe it won’t make a difference, but I have to try.” She slid the token back into her pocket.

  “And when do you get to finish beating yourself up?”

  His eyes were soft. Understanding. It was so tempting to allow herself to lean on him, to accept the easy way out he was offering. She took his hand. “I have to do this for me, too. Do I want to? Of course not. But I know…I know it has to be done.”

  He kissed her palm, then brushed his lips over the sensitive skin. “You’re one of the bravest women I know. I want to spare you this.”

  Sam was still trying to protect her, and it made her heart yearn for him. “The other day in the barn, I…I let myself want you, Sam.” She still wanted him. “I should tell all of you to stay away, but God help me, I can’t.” She twined her fingers with his and held on.

  His eyes darkened as he watched her. “I want you, too, Delaney. And since I’m not going to keep the kids away from you, I guess I can’t stop you from telling them.”

  “Smart man,” she said, trying to smile.

  He kissed her palm and sighed. “You win.”

  She clung to his hand as they walked into the living room, then let go as they sat on the couch. The warmth of his thigh and his shoulder, almost touching hers, eased some of the chill inside her.

  “Hey, guys, turn off the television,” Sam said. “We need to talk to you.”

  Leo complied, then turned to face them. The worry in his eyes made her hesitate. These kids had been through so much already.

  As if sensing her hesitation, Sam raised an eyebrow.

  No. She shook her head. It would be far worse if someone else told them who she was.

  “Leo, Rennie, I have something to tell you.” She drew in a shaky breath, and Sam squeezed her hand. She wasn’t strong enough to let it go. “Leo, do you remember the people in your dad’s band?”

  Leo watched her warily. “Yeah, I know who was in the Redheads.”

  “Remember the drummer?”

  “There were two—Bogeyman and Chantal.” He furrowed his forehead, and it was easy to read his mind. Why was she asking him about the band? “Bogeyman was a cokehead. Chantal came on after he crashed.”

  It was heartbreaking that he knew those sad details. Worse, that he recited them so matter-of-factly. As if it was normal for people to crash and burn on drugs.

  For him, she realized, it was. His mother had done it more than once. His father had died of an overdose. Delaney wanted to gather him close, to protect him from what she was about to say. But she knew that Leo wouldn’t let her get that close.

  “You’re right, there were two drummers.” She licked her lips. “I’m…I used to be Chantal.” Her heart battered against her chest as she waited for their reaction.

  Rennie only looked confused. She probably had no idea what Delaney was talking about.

  Leo did. He scrambled to his feet, his face pale. His brown eyes, so like Diesel’s, were wide. Accusing. “You’re Chantal? You said your name was Delaney.”

  She clung to Sam’s hand. “That’s right. Delaney Spencer. Chantal was the name I used when I performed.”

  Leo looked at her closely. “Chantal had black-and-pink hair. She had a nose ring and lots of earrings. She had tattoos on her arms.”

  He knew all the details. Had he studied pictures of the band? Imagined his father alive again?

  Sam edged closer. The reassuring pressure of his thigh against hers steadied her. “My hair was dyed.” She touched her ears, her nose. “I took out the nose ring and the earrings. I had the tattoos removed.”

  Rennie scooted closer to her. “You knew my daddy?” Her eyes sparkled, as if she’d just been given a huge gift.

  Delaney’s throat swelled. “Yes, honey, I did. We were in his band together.”

  “Were you friends?”

  She swallowed hard. “Yes, Rennie. We were good friends.”

  Leo tugged Rennie behind his back, and the message was clear—stay away from her. “My mom doesn’t like you. She and my dad yelled about you a lot.” Leo’s mouth was tight and his eyes were angry.

  Rennie probably didn’t remember her father, but Leo did. He would have been around during Diesel and Heather’s arguments.

  So much pain Delaney had caused. So much anguish. “I’m sorry you had to hear that,” she said. She wanted to hug Leo, but she forced herself to remain still. “That must have been scary.”

  “My mom wouldn’t want us to be here.” He looked around wildly, as if desperate to escape. “Why did you bring us here, Sam?”

  “Because Delaney is afraid that everyone will find out that she was Chantal,” he said evenly. Calmly. “There might be reporters hanging around town. You’re going to hear stuff. Delaney wanted to tell you herself.”

  “Did she think we wouldn’t care?” He pulled Rennie toward the door. “That we would be, like, so what?” When Rennie resisted, he let her go and fixed his grief-stricken gaze on Delaney. “You’re a bitch, and we hate you!”

  “Leo!” Sam jumped to his feet, but Delaney tugged him back onto the couch.

  “Leo, I have some CDs that your father and I made. No one’s ever heard them, but Sam is going to make sure they’re released. People will be talking about your father. And me. I wanted you to know who I was.”

  “I don’t care about any frickin’ CDs,” he shouted. “I want to go home. This is a stupid town. With stupid people.” He swiped his arm across his eyes, then threw open the closet door. He yanked his coat so hard that the hanger clattered to the floor, then fled out the front door and disappeared into the evening darkness.

  The three of them stared after him, frozen in silence. Then Sam jumped up. “I have to get him.”

  He glanced at Rennie, and Delaney nodded. “Leave her here.”

  After Sam left, Rennie came closer and looked up at Delaney. “I don’t hate you, Delaney.”

  “I’m glad, Rennie.”

  The little girl put her small hands on Delaney’s face and held it, as if she was studying her. “Why is Leo mad?”

  “I think he misses your dad. And your mom.” Delaney hesitantly put her hand over Rennie’s for a moment. When the girl didn’t flinch, she patted the cushion. “Want to sit with me?”

  Rennie scrambled up, then snuggled next to her. “Leo wanted to live with Daddy, not Mommy. But Daddy died. Now we have to live with Uncle Sam.” She leaned against Delaney’s side, and Delaney put a tentative arm around her. The scents of baby shampoo and vanilla ice cream drifted over her.

  And Diesel had wanted them, as well. No matter what else he’d done, he’d loved his children with a single-minded ferocity. “Do you remember your daddy, Rennie?”

  She shook her head. “Leo showed me pictures. He had hair like me.”

  “He did. But I think yours is prettier.” Her hand hovered over Rennie’s head, then she tucked a curl behind the girl’s ear. “Your daddy was a wonderful man,” she said softly. “And he loved you very much.”

  “Can you tell me a story about him?”

  CLOUDS SCUDDED ACROSS the moon, leaving the woods dark and mysterious. Quiet. There was no trace of Leo on the path ahead. Was he hiding behind a tree? Beneath a bush? He could be anywhere.

  Fear spurred Sam into the rental
house. “Leo? Are you here?”Nothing. He must still be outside.

  Sam searched frantically through a kitchen drawer for a flashlight. He’d yanked open the second drawer when he heard a sniffle. Thank God.

  “Leo?” He hurried out of the kitchen. His nephew’s door was closed. “Leo, may I come in?” Silence.

  “Please, Leo? I’d like to talk to you.”

  The door opened and Leo stood blocking the way. “Are you gonna tell me I have to be nice to Delaney?”

  That’s what he’d intended to say. “No.”

  “Okay. You can come in.”

  The boy threw himself onto his bed. Sam saw wet spots on the dark green comforter near the pillow. He’d been crying. Sam started to reach for him, then backed off when his nephew stiffened. He sat on the floor instead.

  After more muffled sniffling, Leo said, “How can she be our friend? She did drugs with my dad.” He lifted his face, red and blotchy and swollen, and Sam’s heart ached. “That’s how my dad died. From drugs.”

  Oh, God. He wasn’t ready for this conversation. He had no idea what he was supposed to say, so he opted for the truth. “Yes, your dad did drugs. Delaney did, too. She and your dad both made big mistakes.”

  Leo’s lip quivered. “She should have died. Not my dad.”

  Sam wanted to wrap him in his arms. “No one should have died.”

  The boy swiped the back of his hand across his nose. “Does Delaney still do coke?”

  Oh, Leo. Sam edged closer to the bed. His nephew must have been reading about his father on the Web. Why had Heather allowed that? She was supposed to protect him from the ugliness that had surrounded Diesel, at least until he was old enough to understand.

  “Delaney doesn’t use drugs. Or drink alcohol. After your dad died, she changed herself. Made herself better.”

  “Like Mom’s doing?”

  “Yes. I think she went into a hospital, just like your mom.” That was the only thing the two women had in common. Besides Diesel.

  No. Sam refused to think about Delaney and Diesel.

  Leo curled into a ball on the bed and buried his face in his legs. “You like Delaney, don’t you?”