Cowboy's Baby

by S. L. Finlay

  "Well, no." Billy began, "But I do manage the business and have invested a big part of myself here. I want to see the business succeed and it can't if people are stealing from it."

  I nodded. "I guess what I am concerned about is that if I tell someone, I am the one who got them into trouble, and it's me they'll come after." I told Billy the earnest truth and he held me that little bit tighter.

  "No-one will come after you while I am here." Billy told me, and I believed him.

  "So, if I tell you, what happens then?" I felt like a little girl playing at adult life then. Adults just make decisions and stick to them. Here I was making zero decisions and relying on Billy to support me in that. It didn't work. I was being an idiot, but Billy didn't seem to notice.

  He held me a bit tighter then let me go so I could sit up and face him again. We both crossed our legs and faced one another.

  Billy's face was kind. There was a certain softness there that I had grown so used to seeing. He was happy to be with me. Before he had always seemed so hard, but now I was sure he had only been hard and distant to keep me from getting too close. I was so happy to be close now, I needed this.

  "If you tell me who is stealing, I can deal with it. If you don't tell me, then I can't." Was all Billy said.

  I knew the right thing was to tell him, so I did. I told him all about how Tony and one of this friends had been talking under me and then how I had gone looking at the books to find that they had in fact been stealing. As I spoke, Billy nodded. He understood. He understood that it was difficult saying these things and that I felt uncomfortable dobbing someone in, but that I had to talk about it.

  There wasn't anyone on the ranch to talk about my own feelings or anything personal or professional with, so when I started talking about this, it was like the flood gates had opened. I couldn't stop talking about how all of this made me feel. I couldn't stop talking about exactly how I felt with everything.

  Billy was good about it. He just sat and listened, letting me talk. I think he was surprised at how lonely I had been. Billy was perfectly happy doing his job and going home. I was not. I missed my family and friends back home. I missed having people to be with. I was stuck here on my time off because I didn't want to go into town. There just wasn't anything for me to do in town.

  The town had bars and shops, but nothing really fun to do. If I went to the bar, too, I would find it full of old men rather than people my age and gender who I could chat to.

  Billy knew my situation because he was in a similar one. He was living this life of isolation on the ranch, but then he knew what he had ben signing up for better than I had. I was stupid, I signed up for an 'experience'. I signed up to experience a travel brochure rather than the reality of living on a ranch.

  And that reality was about to come and hit me full force.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Billy and I sat together that afternoon and shared plenty before he asked me to show him the books. I shared the books with him and showed him the discrepancies late in the evening when everyone was already asleep before an early start.

  I then handed Billy the sheet with every discrepancy and the date that the money was made. I couldn't say when the money was lost, and this was the closest I could come to a timeline.

  "What will happen now?" I asked Billy and he just shook his head.

  "I don't know." He answered me honestly, "I have to think about it, and talk to the owner."

  "Okay." I agreed. "They'll know it was me."

  At that Billy wrapped his arms around me, "Like I said, I won't let anything bad happen to you."

  And I believed him.

  Billy took the paper I had given him and led me out of the office by the hand. "I have something of my own I want to share."

  Leading me down the hall to his room, I could feel my heart jumping. I had never been this intimate with a man before. Well, actually, I hadn't done much of anything. I was a virgin when I left Australia and had done no more than kiss boyfriends to date. This guy was different, he was completely different.

  Billy didn't know how inexperienced I was and I wasn't sure how to tell him. So I followed him into his room.

  When we entered he kissed me passionately on the lips, like he had ten thousand times, but the kiss made me feel nervous. Butterflies were in my tummy as I looked him in the eye, "I don't know if I am ready for this." I told him, my throat dry and head swimming.

  "Ready for what?" Billy asked me, his cheeky smile spread across his face.

  He knew what I was saying, I gave him a dirty look before shaking his head and turning away. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do." He told me.

  "Okay." I said, "Well, I don't want to do that."

  "Do what?" He asked turning back.

  "That." I said, feeling a little frantic as he wasn't listening to me.

  His naughty smile turned wicked. "Do what, this?" He asked as he moved towards me, cupped my face in his hands and started kissing me again.

  "No, I-" I said, pulling away. "No I mean I, I am not ready for it."

  "For what?" He asked, "If you would just communicate with me then I can know what is going on."

  I sighed as I looked down. "I am a – I'm a virgin, Billy." I told his chin.

  Billy released my face. "Oh. I am sorry." He seemed genuinely shocked.

  "You mean you've never had sex? Like, ever?" He asked.

  I nodded my head as I continued to look away, "No. I have not."

  Billy was quiet for a while, his eyes on me. "Okay." He said.

  "I'm sorry, I should have said earlier." I told him, looking Billy in the eyes now. Something I finally managed to do which I kind of felt proud about.

  "No." Billy said, "It is fine. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do, like I said. I didn't bring you here for that anyway."

  "Okay..." I said, trailing off. "What am I here for then?"

  Billy lay down on the bed and patted the spot beside him for me to sit down. I did so and then lay beside him.

  "That's better." He said, "It's like we're beside the stream now. I can tell you my big scary secret."

  "What big scary secret?" I asked, a little alarmed that Billy even had a secret.

  In answer, Billy chuckled before telling me, "Now this one you really can't tell anyone. But I don't think you would tell anyone anyway."

  "No. I wouldn't tell anyone if you told me not to tell anyone." I told Billy, hoping this meant he wouldn't tell anyone what I had already told him but knowing that wasn't the case. He would tell people. Of course he would. He had to. Sometimes things can't be even to be fair. At least he was sharing something secret with me to make up for the fact I had shared my secret with him, to make things a bit more even.

  Billy gave me a little smile before telling me, "I don't just like you because you're awesome. There is something else about you that I find attractive."

  "Okay..." I said, wondering where he was going with this.

  "I find it so cute when you don't really know what you are doing, when you're muddling through and making mistakes. I find it so cute that you really have no idea. You have come to this foreign country and you have no idea. I love that because I get to look after you." He told me earnestly.

  "Yeah?" I asked, feeling a little surprised that my cluelessness could ever be attractive to anyone.

  "Yeah." He confirmed, mimicking my own question. "I love that. I love that I get to look after you the most, because, well, I am into some different kinds of things."

  "What sort of different kinds of things?" I asked, feeling a little nervous about the sentence, there was more to it than met the eye I felt.

  Billy took a deep breath before going on, "I like to take care of people, to take care of girls." He told me.

  Nothing about this sentence was weird, but I could feel something weird coming.

  "When I was living in the city-" He began but I cut him off.

  "- When did you live in the city?" I asked.


  "A while ago. It doesn't matter." He told me, a little impatient that I had interrupted his bedtime story.

  "Okay, sorry. Please continue." I said, motioning like I was zipping my lips and throwing away the key, the way kids do.

  "Now see! This is exactly what I mean! You always do this stuff, and I feel like you know what you're doing to me, but then when I say things about it, you don't react like you know." He told me.

  "I don't know, I have no idea what you're talking about. You've lost me." I said.

  Billy chuckled, "This is so much harder than I thought it would be." He told me as he turned his eyes up towards the ceiling, obviously thinking things over.

  "What do you mean?" I asked.

  "I mean, I want to tell you something but I don't know how to tell you." Billy said, his voice earnest.

  "Okay, why not just come out with it then?" I asked.

  Billy shook his head, "Because you wouldn't understand me if I did."

  I nodded slightly. "Maybe not, but I could try."

  Billy smiled slightly as his eyes moved from the ceiling to my own, "I would like that." Then his lips were on mine again.

  We kissed for a few minutes, the way we always kissed, but then Billy sighed and pulled away. "I have to tell you this before things go further, it's important."

  "Okay." I agreed, wishing he could just say whatever he needed to say, this was difficult to lay here and listen to, the mess of words and confusion. I wanted to take the confusion away, to make things easier for him, but then I knew I couldn't really.

  "I like a different kind of relationship than most men." He started and I nodded. "I like to look after the girl I am with, I like to feel needed. I like to be there for her."

  I nodded at all of his words, feeling sure that these were things he felt with us. I didn't have any other reaction until the last words fell.

  "I would like to be your daddy." Billy told me and that threw a spanner in the works. What was he talking about my 'daddy'? I already had a father.

  "What do you mean?" I asked.

  "I mean, what we have now, only, I want you to call me daddy." He confirmed as if I hadn't just heard the same words said another way.

  "You want me to call you daddy?" I asked.

  Billy nodded. "I do."

  "Why?" I asked.

  "Because I feel sort of like your daddy already, always looking after you." He told me.

  "But, how does that work? You're the guy I am seeing. You're not my father." I was beginning to feel offended by his words.

  "No. I – It's not like that." Billy told me.

  "What's it like then?" I asked, feeling indignant.

  Billy let out a rush of air before going on. "It's just a different kind of relationship. I don't actually think that I am your parent, don't worry."

  "You don't?" I asked and he shook his head at my question.

  "No. I don't." he told me.

  "Then why do you want to be called daddy?" I asked.

  "It's just one of those crazy things Americans do!" Billy said.

  I laughed at his comment. "It is?" I asked, still giggling.

  "No." He said quickly. "But I am glad that made you laugh."

  We both had a chuckle then before Billy went on to tell me, "You don't have to do any of this. It's just, I don't know if I can have a relationship with a woman any other way." He told me.

  Our eyes were on one another's, gazing into one another's souls. I could see his honesty there, and his vulnerability. This was a big deal for him to be telling me and I didn't want to do anything to cause him pain or upset, so I nodded.

  "Okay." I told him. "I am not sure what it is you need, but I won't let you down."

  Billy chuckled, "I'll give you some books to read about it, so you can learn more about what I mean. Just don't read them outside of your room." He told me.

  "They'll be my bedtime stories." I told him, thinking of this conversation as being kind of like a bed time story already.

  Billy sighed, "There it is again."

  "There what is again?" I asked.

  Billy simply shook his head before telling me with a smile, "You are already my little girl, you just don't realise it yet."

  CHAPTER TEN

  Most people see the world of fetish as being a dark one, or an odd one. People who like doing weird things to one another and are so embarrassed about the weird things they like that they won't share their real names with the people they do these weird things with.

  Sometimes, I guess that could be true. But that's not what I read in the books Billy showed me. They were full of stories about couples who had found fetish together, or individuals who were exploring their lives, their bodies and their relationships in an unconventional way.

  There is something truly beautiful about deciding this life isn't quite what you want and going to make your life more of what you want, and what you need. Of recognising something that doesn't work then instead of complaining deciding that you will actively do something about it. You will actually do something different: something for you. I can appreciate that.

  When I first heard all the 'daddy' stuff from Billy, too, I know I rejected it quite strongly. I was happy once I started reading that I had kept my mind open enough to read more about it. That I had kept my mind open enough to say sure, this isn't quite what I am normally into but I'll give it a go.

  The shape of my weeks changed then. I would work in the daytimes and read all evening before spending weekends riding horses, or relaxing by the stream with Billy. He was patient with me as I read more about this world I had never previously known existed. He let me have space to read, to absorb, to ask questions.

  When I asked him about what he was interested in, the same themes came up again and again: Billy liked taking care of someone, he needed someone a bit clueless to take care of, he needed someone to love and adore and spoil. This fetish appealed to him for all of those reasons but also because it gave him so much scope to play in.

  Billy would be able to be my adoring daddy one minute, then the next he could be harsh and mean. He could punish me for being a naughty girl or reward me. Our games would sometimes be adult games, too, if I liked.

  "You want me to call you 'daddy' in bed too?" I asked one day when the concept was first bought up, I felt a little confused.

  Billy gave a little not with a facial expression that portrayed his embarrassment. Of course he was embarrassed, this was something that was deeply taboo for him, who had been raised in conservative America that still held on to some of its odd puritan ideals, even as it rejected them at the same time.

  America is a country that Britney Spears of 'Not Yet a Woman' fame could rise up to stardom while simultaneously being slandered all over the place for showing off her sexuality. All humans loved sex, many cultures hid it away and were embarrassed. Here was one of those cultures.

  I'm not going to pretend Australian's are any more liberal than Americans – we're not – but when you're looking at someone else's culture, it's easy to see things that you might not normally notice about your own culture.

  But the effect that the puritanical views had on Billy was obvious. Sometimes he would feel too embarrassed to talk about this, so would decide he'd rather not and change the subject. When I pointed this out to him, he hardly knew he was doing it. I guess that's just relationships though, you can hardly notice things about yourself until someone else is there to point them out.

  As we dated though, I discovered more out about myself. I really was every bit of hopeless little girl as Billy saw when he looked at me. It was true that if societal pressure didn't force me to, I likely wouldn't be getting up in the morning to go to work, or even wearing shoes or showering. Sometimes it was hard for me to keep it together, but I did so because I didn't want anyone else to notice that. I didn't want to be that little weirdo.

  Billy accepted the little weirdo within though. He would shower me with cuddles when I needed support and tell me when I had been a naug
hty girl (arousing!) or a good girl (heart-warming!).

  The more I learned about this, the cooler I was with it and the more I saw it popping up in our relationship even without me meaning it to, or him meaning it to either.

  It just happened, it just was. And it was perfect!

  As I fell for him, I became more okay with surrendering parts of myself, with letting him know more of me and to see more of me – the me that I often hid away because it wasn't quite the me I should be as an adult member of society – he would accept everything, everything about me. Even the things that I wasn't quite accepting myself. He just opened up his heart to me and let me in.

  And I did the same for him.

  It was only a few weeks after the first day of my telling him everything that I knew about the missing money and Billy telling me about his fetish that we spent one afternoon by the stream together.

  People at the ranch still didn't know about us and our time here, mostly I am sure because no-one really cared. Most of the boys were busy with their families, friends, and work to mind what Billy and I were doing. I sometimes felt like Mama knew when she would give a little encouraging smile or a knowing glance but then I reminded myself that she did know I liked Billy, but she didn't know about the time we spent together.

  Our time together faded into 'little time' where I would let my inner child (for want of another term for it) come to the surface. When I was little it was amazing: I would be able to communicate complex feelings simply, I would be able to be vulnerable and loving in ways I never could normally and I would be able to slip into a role of hopeless little one who needed to be taken care of by her daddy.

  Daddy would be able to be more real with me too, which was amazing.

  This one afternoon by the river though, I had been a little different to most of the time. I was being little and talking to my daddy about everything I had been up to. Or everything 'big' me had been up to, explaining to him that my job was boring and that no-one would be jealous of me having to do this job.