Beyond the Breakwater

by Radclyffe

  “Bri’s staying here, too, isn’t she?”

  Surprised, Reese nodded. “How did you know?”

  “Her motorcycle jacket is on the coat tree.” Caroline’s voice caught on the next words. “She never gets very far away from that.”

  “You’re right. She’s supposed to be moving her things over from Barnstable today. I imagine she’ll stay here until she finds a place. She can stay indefinitely as far as we’re concerned.”

  “That’s good. She’ll be…” Caroline had been about to say safe and then wondered at herself. Safe from what? Or from whom?

  “What about you, Caroline? How are you doing?”

  “I…” Quickly, she turned away as the tears she thought she had finally exhausted began again. In a whisper, she murmured, “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Take your time.” Reese waited, wanting to comfort her but uncertain if she should. What the hell is going on?

  Clearly it involved Bri, who had cut out right after their shift had ended the night before, saying she was headed to Barnstable for a class get-together. She’d never mentioned Caroline was coming in for it. And then Caroline had shown up in the middle of the night, clearly shaken and having been crying. When Caroline had said she didn’t want to talk, Tory had tucked her in on the couch, kissed her forehead, and said it could wait until the morning.

  “Where’s Bri?”

  Caroline shook her head, keeping her face turned away. “I don’t know.”

  “What’s going on with you two?” Reese asked gently.

  “I wish I knew.” Caroline took a long shaky breath and straightened her shoulders with effort. She turned back to face Reese and met her questioning gaze. “Everything has turned upside down in the last four months. I didn’t even realize Bri was unhappy. Maybe I should have.”

  “She didn’t say anything?”

  “She hardly ever does. She’s always been…she keeps things inside.”

  “You knew she wanted to be a police officer, though, right?”

  “Yes, of course. That’s all she ever talked about wanting to do,” Caroline replied. “I just thought it would be later. We both thought school in New York would be so great.”

  “Maybe she did, too, at first.” Reese thought of making rounds with Bri the day before. Bri’d looked at home in her uniform—in her new role—strolling down Commercial, greeting people she had known since childhood. She’d looked almost content, which for Bri was unusual. If there hadn’t been a shadow in her eyes when she’d smiled, Reese would have been fooled into thinking that she was happy. “Maybe it took leaving here to realize that this is where she belonged.”

  “Well, I thought we belonged together,” Caroline said sadly. Her eyes were liquid with more tears, but she stubbornly held them back.

  Reese blew out a breath and wished desperately that Tory were there instead of her. She was certain there were things she should be saying, or something that she should be doing. She thought of her own intensely focused, narrow life before she had met Tory. She’d never even imagined having a life with another person when she’d been Bri’s age. Just the thought of trying to finish college and NROTC while meeting someone else’s needs at the same time seemed overwhelming.

  “She must have thought that leaving New York when she did was the right thing to do.”

  “How could that be? How could it be better for us not to be together?”

  Caroline’s voice was agonized, her confusion so evident that Reese’s insides twisted. Sighing, Reese rubbed her face with both hands, searching for a way to explain something she didn’t fully understand herself. She had only one point of reference—Tory. She thought about herself and Tory. What it felt like loving her. What she felt every morning when she woke up and found Tory beside her, every time she experienced the wonder of Tory in her arms. It was a miracle reborn with each dawn, and she knew that she would never get over feeling blessed.

  “If I were Bri,” Reese began as she struggled to put words to the emotions, “I would want to feel as if I deserved you. I would want to feel like…you could be proud of me.”

  “I’ve always been proud of her,” Caroline said, startled. “She’s strong and brave and…” The image of Bri with the strange woman the night before flickered into her mind. It was so painful that she lost her voice.

  “Maybe,” Reese added quietly, “she can’t believe that you could be proud unless she’s proud of herself.”

  They stared at one another silently until Reese grinned ruefully. “I’m not too good at this, am I?”

  “I think you’re wonderful,” Caroline whispered.

  “Look, maybe I can talk to her.”

  “No.” Caroline rested her fingertips on Reese’s knee. “Thank you. Really. But I need to talk to her.”

  “She should be back soon. She’s got a shift coming up later this afternoon.”

  “Maybe she’s busy.” Caroline wondered now, as she had done throughout all the sleepless hours, where Bri had spent the night. Oh, what am I going to do? Maybe I’ve already lost her.

  *

  It took Bri close to an hour to walk from Allie’s bungalow back to the Breakers and pick up her bike. Then she swung by the academy and collected the few belongings that she had bundled up and left in her locker when she’d moved out of her shared apartment earlier in the week. It was just after ten in the morning when she reached Provincetown.

  She hadn’t stopped for breakfast or anything else, and she needed coffee and a shower and something to settle the roiling uneasiness in her stomach. The nausea wasn’t the remnant of too much alcohol the previous night but the churning disorientation that came from feeling cut off from Caroline. It didn’t help that she didn’t know what to do with the feelings that Allie had stirred in her the night before and that morning. She’d found other girls besides Caroline attractive before but only in a distant sort of way. Like an oh yeah, she’s cute, kind of way. No one except Caroline had ever gotten her hot, but Allie did, even when she didn’t want her to. She wasn’t sure what that meant, and that was even more confusing.

  When Bri pulled slowly into Reese and Tory’s driveway, her heart leapt at the sight of James’s battered Honda. Carre!

  In the next second, her elation vanished. Oh, fuck. What am I going to say to her?

  She didn’t have any more time to think about it because, as she sat straddling her bike, staring up at the house, Caroline appeared at the top of the stairs leading down from the rear deck. Looking pale and wan, she wrapped her arms around her chest and stared at Bri.

  Caroline was wearing one of Tory’s sweaters and tight faded jeans, and Bri thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Her mouth went dry and her stomach flipped over. She wanted to run to her, or run away. After pocketing her keys, Bri quickly pulled off her helmet and dismounted. She was shaking, and she didn’t think it had anything to do with the lingering vibrations from the powerful engine and the ride down. Taking a deep breath, she walked up the path and climbed the stairs. She stopped one step below Caroline, putting them at eye level, and whispered, “Hey, babe.”

  “Hi, baby.”

  They stared at one another, a foot of space between them, a million unsaid words and a thousand unhealed hurts keeping them apart.

  “You look like hell,” Caroline murmured.

  “I feel like that, too.” Bri stuffed her hands in her pockets because she wanted to touch her so much. “I thought you had that training thing this weekend.”

  “I did. I got them to let me postpone it until next week.” Caroline smiled sadly. “I wanted to surprise you.”

  Bri felt like crying. “I’m sorry I fucked up.”

  “Oh, Bri.” Caroline looked away, swallowing hard. “Let’s go someplace so we can talk.”

  “Where?”

  “Take me to the first place you ever kissed me.” Caroline met her eyes. If we’re going to say goodbye, I want to do it there.

  “Jesus, Carre,” Bri moaned. The sadness in Car
oline’s voice was so much worse than the anger, it was killing her. “I’m sorry.”

  Caroline just shook her head and walked down to the bike. A minute later, Bri joined her, handed her the helmet from the back, and climbed on. Wordlessly, as she had done hundreds of times before, Caroline settled in behind, wrapped her arms around Bri’s waist, and rested her cheek against Bri’s shoulder. She closed her eyes as the engine started and held on as if her life depended upon never letting Bri go.

  Ten minutes later, Bri slowed and brought the bike to a halt at the far end of the parking lot at Race Point. There were a few cars in the parking lot, but the two of them didn’t walk toward the marked trail toward the beach. Instead, they headed down a narrow path that led toward the lighthouse. Ordinarily, they would have held hands, but this time they walked side by side in silence. When they reached the lighthouse, they climbed around to the far side and settled with their backs against the wall, close together but not touching. The dunes spread out along the wild coast below and the ocean filled their view.

  “I don’t understand what’s happening with us, Bri,” Caroline finally said. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to leave school? Why didn’t you talk to me about it first?”

  Bri stared straight ahead, unblinking, until the tears that trembled on her lashes were carried away on the wind. Her voice was low as she answered. “I was afraid you’d talk me out of it.”

  “I might have tried,” Caroline said with a shaky laugh. “You could have waited until the fall, when I…left for France. We could have had all this time together.”

  “I had to do it when I did.”

  “Why? I don’t understand why.”

  “Because I was afraid once you left I wouldn’t be able to do it.” Bri’s voice was harsh, wild.

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m afraid when you leave I’m going to…” Suddenly, Bri put her head down on her knees and laced the fingers of both hands behind her neck. Her words were nearly lost in the rush of air that blew off the ocean. “I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything without you.”

  “Oh, baby,” Caroline murmured, putting her arm around Bri’s shoulders. “You can. You can do anything.”

  “Not without you.”

  “But I’m not leaving you.”

  Bri’s head jerked up, and her eyes met Caroline’s. “You don’t know that!”

  Shocked, Caroline stared at her. Her first instinct was to protest, because it was unthinkable. But then she realized that Bri didn’t know that, didn’t believe that. “I love you. I have never loved anyone but you. I don’t care how long I’m gone, or how far away from me you go. I am not going to stop loving you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” Bri exclaimed.

  “No? Where were you last night?”

  Bri blinked and her blue eyes darkened. “Jesus, Carre.”

  “Did you sleep with her?” Caroline’s voice was a strangled whisper.

  “I…” Bri wanted to make the truth disappear. She wanted the night to do over again. She wanted not to have felt what she felt. “Almost.”

  “Oh Bri,” Caroline moaned. She turned partly away, more in an attempt to expunge the images that came unbidden to her mind than to escape from the sorrow in Bri’s eyes. She saw the pretty, dark-haired woman pressed against Bri. The look of hazy need on Bri’s face. A look that had only been for her—until last night. “Oh, God.”

  “Carre—”

  Abruptly, Caroline got unsteadily to her feet. She moved a short distance away and stopped. With her back to the wall of the stark white tower, she held herself with her arms around her body, trembling in the chill sea breeze. “I can’t…I can’t even think about it right now. Take me back to Tory’s.”

  Bri finally found her voice and jumped to her feet. “Carre. I didn’t.”

  “I saw you, Bri,” Caroline said softly. “I know you wanted to.”

  “I don’t know how that happened. I didn’t go there meaning for it to happen. I was lonely.”

  “I’ve been lonely, too. And I wasn’t the one who left.”

  Bri raked both hands through her hair, wanting to pound something. “I know. I know. I fucked up. Jesus, Carre, I’m sorry.”

  “What do you want?” Caroline’s voice was calm, her eyes frighteningly empty.

  I want you to come home and live with me—here. I don’t want us ever to be apart. I want to be like Reese and Tory. Bri looked away, her eyes sweeping the shoreline. “I want you to go to Paris next year and study and be a successful artist. And I want to be a cop, here in Provincetown.”

  “And when I come back? What do you want then?”

  “I guess that will be up to you,” Bri said quietly.

  “No, it won’t.” Caroline shook her head. “Not now.”

  Heart sinking, Bri watched Caroline turn and start up the path that led back to the parking lot. For a moment, she considered not going after her. Maybe if they never left this spot, they could turn back time to that magical moment four years before, when a simple kiss had turned on a light in the darkness of her despair.

  Eventually, she followed, because there was no going back, no undoing what had been done.

  *

  “Caroline?” Tory sat down on the sofa next to the young woman. “Honey? You okay?”

  Caroline sat leaning forward, her arms folded on her knees, rocking softly. “Not really.”

  “I heard Bri’s motorcycle earlier. Is she here?”

  “Gone.” Caroline bit the inside of her lip. Gone. Gone, and I don’t know if she’s ever coming back.

  “Can I help?”

  “I don’t think so. Everything is so…mixed-up.” Caroline shifted and looked into Tory’s eyes. “Bri…oh God, I can’t… Bri was with this other girl—”

  “What?” Tory exclaimed before she could stop herself. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”

  “What would you do?” Caroline felt desperate and so very confused. “If…if it were Reese?”

  Tory drew a sharp breath, an instant protest on her lips. It wouldn’t be Reese. She would never…But anything could happen, to anyone. For one heart-sickening second, she remembered how she had felt when she’d found K.T. in an on-call room, in bed with one of the ICU nurses—the horror and shock and incredible sense of betrayal. The way everything had gone cold inside of her. Reese. Not Reese. Never. Slowly, she forced herself to think about the unthinkable.

  “It would hurt so terribly, I’m not sure what I would do.” Tory reached out and took Caroline’s hand. “It would depend, I think, on why it happened.”

  “What difference would it make?”

  “Sometimes, when we’re confused or a little bit lost, we make bad choices. Sometimes we don’t even choose, we just let things happen. People make mistakes.”

  “But if she loved me…” Caroline lowered her head, and warm tears fell on the top of Tory’s hand.

  “Bri loves you. I know that.” Tory gently lifted Caroline’s chin and then brushed the tears from her cheeks. “I also know you can’t make any decisions when you’re in so much pain.”

  “What do you think I should do?”

  “I think you should get some sleep. I think you and Bri should talk again, but you both need a little time to settle down.”

  “I’ve got to get back to Manhattan anyhow. I keep thinking when I do that she’ll…” Caroline took a deep breath. “That she’ll start seeing this other girl. I can’t stand to think about her with someone else.”

  “Caroline,” Tory said gently. “I don’t know what Bri’s going to do. But I’ve seen the two of you together, and I know how much you both love each other. Sometimes even people who love each other go through hard times.”

  “Do you think it will ever be the same again?”

  The hurt in her eyes was so raw that all Tory wanted to do was hold her close and make all her pain go away. But she knew she couldn’t. “Do you love her?”

  “Oh yes.”

  “Then
I think the two of you can get through this.”

  Caroline studied Tory, searching her face for assurance. The green eyes gazing back were warm and steady and sure, and some of the aching in Caroline’s heart was soothed.

  “I never told you how happy I am about your baby,” Caroline said shyly. “It’s…great.”

  “Yes. Thank you.” Tory’s eyes lit up. “We’re very excited.”

  Caroline tilted her head. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.” Tory nodded. She knew almost everyone was curious about the how of it, and she and Reese had already decided that they would answer the technical questions. Well, she didn’t mind doing it. Reese still tended to shuffle and look for the nearest exit. Her smile widened. “Go ahead.”

  “Does it bother you that there isn’t part of Reese in the baby?”

  Tory’s lips parted in surprise. It wasn’t the question she had expected. Caroline had caught her off guard for the second time. Once again, she considered carefully before answering.

  “I would love for this baby to have Reese’s blue eyes or her gorgeous Black Irish coloring or her wonderful strong body.” She turned the gold band on her left ring finger. “But I know without a doubt that our child will have the best parts of Reese inside—her strength and her honor and her unwavering love.”

  Finally, Caroline smiled. Someday, she wanted to have what Tory had. She wanted her art, and a family, and a love of her own.

  “Do you mind, can I call you sometimes?”

  Tory leaned over and kissed her gently on the cheek. “Anytime you want.”

  *

  Reese found Tory curled up on the sofa in an old fatigue shirt of hers and a pair of shorts, reading. “Hi, love,” she said as she carried two bags of groceries through to the kitchen. “Are Bri and Caroline still here?”

  “No.” Tory sighed as she tossed the magazine she had been pretending to read onto the end table. “Caroline left around noon to drive back to Manhattan. I thought maybe Bri was with you.”

  “I haven’t seen her since yesterday at the end of shift.” Reese joined Tory in the living room after stowing the groceries. “Wasn’t she here?”