Mantis

by India Millar

  I winced as I recalled Reiki walking on my back. It felt as if my spine was broken at first, and it was only when I stood up that I understood I was more flexible than usual, and that an annoying crick in my lower back had gone for the first time in months.

  “Will I ever be as skilled as you are?” I was sure I knew what her answer would be, but I was curious. I had been coming each day for lessons for almost six months, and in all that time, Reiki had never commented on my progress.

  “I have a headache,” she snapped abruptly, and I stared at her in amazement. Reiki was as tough as teak. Even when the winter wind had blown through her hut so fiercely my fingers turned blue with cold and my knees creaked as if they were frozen, she had never complained. She had a headache? “Cure it for me.”

  I gathered my startled wits. I was about to stroke her head gently when I recalled an early lesson. Never assume you know your patron’s pain. Ask. Find out what the pain is like. Where it is. How long it has been there. Only touch when you are sure you know what you are curing. If you are careless, you can make things much worse. Instead of touching Reiki’s head, I pushed an imaginary strand of loose hair behind my ear with my raised hand.

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Reiki,” I said courteously. “Where is the pain, exactly?”

  She pointed silently to the very center of her forehead.

  “I see.” Not the most tactful thing to say! I winced at my own ineptness. “And is it a sharp pain or an ache?”

  “An ache. It bothers me greatly.”

  I had decided I knew enough when a sudden thought came to me.

  “And do you have any pain elsewhere?”

  I was sure I saw a flicker of a smile on her lips.

  “My ear aches.”

  Ah! Now that was a different matter entirely. I took Reiki’s head in my hands and then slid my fingers down her neck, placing my thumb just below her ears. Rather than pressing, I massaged the area very gently.

  “Enough.” I gave the line of her jaw one last rub before removing my hands. “I no longer have any pain.” I wondered cynically if she had had any pain in the first place, and then I realized that this was Reiki’s way of bestowing praise. I glowed with pleasure.

  “I am delighted that I have been able to help,” I said modestly. My pleasure turned to worry as Reiki spoke.

  “There’s no more I can teach you, Kamakiri. I thought you were chasing dreams when I agreed to take you on, but now I’m glad I did. I have no daughter to learn my art and take my place when I’m gone. But at least I know now that my small talent will not die with me.”

  It was the kindest thing Reiki had ever said to me, and I was touched. But suddenly I was also very unsure. I stared at my hands, wondering if I would be brave enough to use the skills I had learned when it really mattered.

  “Thank you.”

  “No need to thank me, Kamakiri. Your man has paid me very well for instructing you.” Had he? I had never even thought to question how much Yo had paid her. I closed my eyes in annoyance at my own indifference. I would pay him back, I promised myself. I had no idea how, but I would not be in debt to him or anybody else, for that matter. “In fact, he’s given me enough so I can leave the Floating World for good when you take my place.”

  I frowned. She was going to leave? Why? I felt foolish as I answered my own question. Lord Akafumu was her long-time patron. He trusted her and would never accept me as her replacement if she was still there.

  “Where will you go, Reiki-san?” I asked humbly.

  “To Nikko. My son lives there with his family. I understand the place has many onsen. I shall enjoy myself bathing in a different hot spring each day. Ah, but it will be good to feel clean! He’s asked me often over the years to go and live with him. I never have because he has a large family and I don’t want to be a burden on him. Now I have enough money that I can pay my way, so I shall go to him happily.”

  I nodded, hiding my astonishment. This humble anma had her pride, then. A different pride to that of the samurai code, but pride all the same. I was humbled; Reiki had taught me a lesson that had nothing to with either inflicting hurt or healing it.

  “You’re too quick to lash out, Kamakiri.” I shrugged. She was right, I knew. “Too much like your namesake. You think because you’re samurai that you’re better than the rest of us.”

  “Not at all,” I protested quickly, but Reiki was having none of it.

  “Of course you do. It’s understandable. It’s the way you’ve been raised. All your life you’ve had it hammered into you that you’re noble. That you’re superior to most other people. Perhaps you are, in some ways. But that doesn’t mean to say you’re always better than the rest of us. It wouldn’t hurt you to remember that the next time that man of yours does something you don’t understand. He’s just as honorable as you are, but in a different way.”

  I looked down. I had no words to argue with. She was right. I just hoped I would remember it. I stared at her, for once forgetting that she would sense I was looking. Something else Reiki had said had startled me. She had a son? Somebody, at some point in her life, had found this wrinkled, smelly old woman attractive enough to want to make love to her? To have married her?

  Reiki smiled serenely at me, and I knew that she really had guessed what I was thinking. I smiled back. She hadn’t named me Kamakiri without thought. Perhaps we were more alike than I had wanted to acknowledge, this blind anma and I. Her voice took my smile away.

  “When I’m gone, and you take my place with Lord Akafumu, be careful.”

  “Of course I will. He’ll never know what I’ve done to him,” I said. I expected Reiki to be smiling with me, but she was not.

  “Take every precaution to make sure that is so, Kamakiri. I would be very angry if I thought I had wasted my precious time on you.” She gripped my hand tightly and I felt the affection behind her rough words.

  I was almost as surprised as I was touched.

  Seven

  Sand runs through my hands.

  I hear the whisper of your

  Words as each grain falls

  I had agreed with Reiki that she would send a messenger to me when Akafumu next sent for her. I would take her place, and she would immediately leave the Floating World to go to her son.

  “Better you keep away from me, now,” she instructed. “There’s nothing else I can teach you. In any event, no point in tempting the gods by you coming back here any longer.”

  I would miss her. I had gotten used to her caustic wit and determination that I would do things as she wished. I could not tell her that and simply wished her luck for her journey and the future. I gave her my jade and gold bracelet as a farewell present. She fingered it before slipping it on her thin wrist.

  “Now there’s a pretty thing for an old woman.” She chuckled. “My daughter-in-law will envy me this. She’s a discontented, lazy young thing. I don’t like her, and she doesn’t like me. I shall enjoy making her life a misery when I get to Nikko.”

  I tried to feel sorry for the unknown daughter-in-law, but Reiko’s cackle was infectious and I smiled inside. I hoped that she might say she would have been happy if her son’s wife had been more like me, but she did not. Still, her voice was gentle when she said her final goodbye.

  “Take care, Kamakiri. If you could lose your anger, you would find life could be very good. Don’t worry about Akafumu. You can deal with him.”

  We hugged and she walked away from me.

  In spite of Reiki’s confidence in me, I was trembling as I got ready for my first visit to Lord Akafumu.

  I worried about my eyes above all else. I was supposed to be a blind anma. I was confident enough in my skills as a masseuse, but I became convinced that my eyes would give me away. I had tried practicing keeping them closed all the time, but as soon as I relaxed, they popped open on their own. And when they did, it was instinctual to glance around me. I couldn’t help it, no matter how I tried. Keeping them wide open was even worse. I asked Yo ho
w I looked and he shrugged.

  “You don’t look blind with your eyes open. It’s obvious that you can see, even when you stare straight ahead. You have too much expression in them,” he said honestly. “Do you want to try wrapping a bandage around your face?”

  I could do that, I thought eagerly. It had worked when I had escaped from Hana, when she had kept me a prisoner in the Hidden House. But I had forgotten entirely that then, even after less than half a day, my eyes had become inflamed and very sore. Still, it was worth a try. As if my eyes remembered their darkness and resented it, they started to run and become painful after only a few minutes, and I found myself longing to rub them fiercely. When I tore the bandage off, both my eyes were bright red and felt raw. That wouldn’t do either.

  Becoming desperate, I stuck my eyelids closed with a dab of rice starch glue. That was even worse than the bandage. As soon as my eyes understood they could not blink, my eyelids seemed to take on a life of their own. They itched constantly, and I had to ball my hands into fists to stop myself scratching. In the end they tore themselves free anyway.

  “Oh, this is hopeless,” I moaned to Yo. “Why didn’t we think about this earlier? How can I pass as an anma if it’s clear I can see?”

  “You kept your eyes closed well enough when Riku-san was teaching you to fight,” he pointed out.

  I shrugged in annoyance. “I know. But that was different. I could open my eyes if I wanted to. That’s what the problem is now. Because I know I can’t open them, I want to.”

  Yo rolled his own eyes in amusement. I glared at him.

  “I might have an answer. Matsuo, do you want to go for a walk?”

  He was doing it to irritate me, I was sure of it. I said nothing as he and Matsuo went out. It looked to me as if it might rain. Yo had not put a coat on. I hoped he got wet.

  It didn’t rain. And I was forced to be grateful yet again when he came back with a small, neatly wrapped package in his hand. He tore the wrapping off and displayed a tiny, stoppered glass vial.

  “Put your head back and keep your eyes wide open.” He instructed. I tried, but the liquid he dripped into my eye stung, and I closed my eyes automatically. “Didn’t I tell you not to blink?” he scolded. I apologized, and he put another cold, stinging drop in each eye.

  “What is it?” I stared around the room and found that everything had gone curiously misty. I could see, but nothing looked at all right.

  “It’s a distillation of a certain flower. The geisha and yujo use it a lot. The tiniest amount makes the pupils expand greatly, and the eye to appear glowing and very beautiful. But even one drop makes it difficult to see. A little more and everything becomes misty.” I nodded; he was right about that! “But it also makes your eyes look so brilliant they seem very odd. With the amount I’ve put in for you, anybody would think your eyes were strange and take you for a blind woman. I know you can’t see properly, but for you that doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s probably a good thing. It should make you use your other senses to compensate.”

  “Thank you,” I said sincerely. And then, becoming worried, I added, “It will wear off?”

  “It will, and should leave no ill effects. One drop lasts for hours, so two or three should be enough to make you into a true anma for as long as you need to be disguised.”

  I thought about that, and I was suddenly intensely jealous.

  “How do you know? And how do you know yujo use it a lot?”

  “Everybody knows that,” he said easily. But it still bothered me.

  I rolled the glass bottle in my hand. Even with my impaired vision, the contents looked beautiful. The liquid caught the light and shone like the inside of a wet seashell.

  “It’s very pretty,” I commented.

  Yo took the bottle from me. “It is, but it can be deadly as well. I heard a certain very beautiful geisha, whose lover betrayed her, actually drank it instead of putting it in her eyes. Apparently, her lover had always greatly admired her eyes, and she felt it was a fitting way to die. She was wrong. She died not only in agony, but rolling in her own shit. This stuff is not nice at all, and there’s no cure if you drink it.”

  I nodded seriously. Beauty was a double-edged sword, to be sure. Perhaps, after all, I was better off without it. The thought amazed me.

  Yo gave a silver coin to the urchin who had brought Reiki’s message. The child stared at it with huge eyes and ran off before Yo could change his mind and demand it back.

  “Ready?” Yo asked. I nodded. I lied.

  It was too late to turn back. Akafumu’s chamberlain had his hand out, preventing me from going any further. I had anticipated this. I kept my head lowered humbly, my shoulders hunched. I had no need to pretend to be anxious; my heart was beating so fast I was sure the man next to me must be able to hear it.

  “Who are you? My lord sent for the anma Reiki. What are you doing here?”

  “My lord, Reiki-san is dead.” I spoke softly, great sadness in my voice. “Her home was very damp and cold. When it rained for many days last week, her lungs became congested and she could not breathe. I did all I could for her, but neither I nor the apothecary I called in could help her. She was very old, lord, and I think she was ready to die. If the spirit is ready to go to the next world, no amount of skill can keep it chained to the earthly body.”

  “Aye?” I lifted my eyes and peered at a spot just beyond his shoulder. He was staring at me carefully, his face so close to me that even with my misty vision I could make out his features. He nodded finally and I sent up a quick prayer of thankfulness for Yo’s potion. “And who are you, then?”

  “Lord, my name is Kamakiri.” He glanced down at my body and grinned, obviously finding my name appropriate. “I was Reiki’s apprentice. She taught me her skills well, I promise you. Even when she lay dying, she was worried about the welfare of Lord Akafumu. She told me I must come here and take her place. So, I am here,” I said simply.

  “I see. Lord Akafumu is in great discomfort, so I suppose we must give you a try. But before I let you anywhere near my lord, I want to be certain you’re harmless.”

  I held out my hands quickly in supplication.

  “I am an anma, lord,” I said. “I give relief from pain. What harm could I cause?”

  If only he knew my plans! I exulted inside, but only for a moment. Truly, even monkeys can fall from trees.

  “Take your robe off.” The gloating note was clear in his voice. “Now, anma. I haven’t got time to waste on you. I need to make sure you’re not hiding any weapons. My lord is a powerful man. Like any powerful man, he has enemies. I’m not going to let a complete stranger in to see him, blind woman or not.”

  “Lord!” I put my fists to my mouth, miming distress. “I have no weapon. I bring nothing but my hands!” And I could kill you silently before you could take a breath with these hands.

  “So you say. Take your clothes off or get out of here.”

  I was trembling with anger. I suppose he took it as shame and fear, as he grunted with satisfaction as I undid my obi and held my robe wide open. I was naked underneath; I was supposed to be a poor anma. I doubted I would be able to afford underclothes.

  “See, my lord? I carry nothing with me at all.”

  “Drop the robe.” I did as he instructed, shrugging it off my shoulders silently. He walked around me, inspecting me from every angle. There was even worse to follow. Just as the patrons in Hana’s Hidden House had dabbled their fingers in my private parts, I felt his hand slide between the lips of my sex. I clenched my teeth and forced my hands to stay by my side. Not satisfied with his inspection, he thrust his fingers right inside my sex, groping deeply. I was as dry as a virgin with nerves, and his scrabbling hand hurt. I gasped with fury as well as pain.

  “Lord, there is nothing in there but me!” I protested. He seemed to find my words amusing.

  “So I see. I can’t say I find you at all enticing myself, but there’s no accounting for different tastes. I see somebody has been there
before me.” He chuckled at his own wit. “Bend over. Grasp your ankles with your hands.”

  I obeyed, my face stone. Had Reiki been subjected to this treatment? She had never mentioned it. But of course, Reiki had been an old woman. Perhaps the chamberlain had found her so very unattractive he had not been able to bring himself to bother searching her? My fury boiled over as he shoved his fingers into my anus, his nails scratching unpleasantly.

  When I had begun my training as onna-bugeisha, Riku-san had knocked me to the ground time after time. He had caused me great pain and never once apologized. My brother had seen me naked in the bath often. Yo’s hands had explored my body far more deeply than this man, and I had cried out loud for more. None of that had caused me any shame at all. Yet the impersonal actions of this strange man were rousing such humiliation that I almost forgot my mission.

  At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to reach back to him, to pinch a certain point in his hamstring that would have him rolling on the floor in agony. Once he was down, it would take only a moment to push one finger between his ribs and find the exact point that would stop his heart immediately. Once he was dead, all I had to do was stand up and scream. No one would suspect that a naked blind woman could kill a man a head taller than she with her bare hands. The thought that it would surely appear as if he had had a seizure from excitement would only add to his humiliation. I smiled with anticipation, almost feeling his leg beneath my hand.

  “Nothing there.” He sounded almost disappointed and I took a deep breath. Oh, lucky man! One more thrust with those ragged fingernails and I would have forgotten the need to avenge my honor and killed him where he stood.

  “Lord,” I whispered. “May I put my robe on now?”

  “Of course.” He was watching me intently as I stooped and scrabbled for my kimono. Strange, I thought. If he had not found my body to his taste, how was it his tree of flesh was nearly forcing its way through his robe? I forced my lips not to pucker in disgust as he reached down and fondled himself.