The Official Guide to Marrying Your Boss

by Doyle, Mae

  He hung up and I pressed “7” to save the message, then shut the phone. Even though he didn’t know that he was talking to me, that message was about all of my hard work, and I was definitely going to listen to it later when Tiffany wasn’t around.

  “He does sound dreamy,” Tiffany said, and I nodded.

  “I can’t believe he really called,” I told her. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if this continues.”

  “It won’t.” She sounded confident and I felt my heart lift. It was entirely possible that I could stop lying if he didn’t call me again. I had the sudden vision of dumping my phone in the trash and completely forgetting about Tasty Foods.

  But then my phone vibrated again. Just once this time, and it let out a soft beep.

  “Did he text you?” Tiffany leaned over as I flipped the phone open.

  Sure enough, from the same number as had just called, I had a waiting text. “We could let it be Schrödinger’s text,” I suggested. “Not open it and never know if it’s good or bad.”

  In response, Tiffany grabbed my phone and opened it, gasping as she turned the screen to her. “You want to see this,” she said.

  “Gimme!” I grabbed the phone and turned it to me. Never before had tiny little black marks given me such heartburn before, and I stared at them for a solid minute before realizing what they said.

  I wish you had picked up. Than you again for such an amazing meal.

  “I could be an eighty-year-old woman for all he knows!” I exclaimed once I’d come back down off of my cloud. “What is he doing texting something like that?”

  “You have to text him back.” Tiffany was, undoubtedly the devil on my shoulder. She leaned forward, clad in her pajamas, but all I could picture was her with horns and a tail. “Text him back.”

  “And say what? I could tell him that I’m old enough to be his mother, that might make him slow his roll a little.” My thumbs hovered over the keypad, but I couldn’t do it.

  She grabbed the phone from me and jumped off of the sofa before I could stop her. “I’ll fix it!” She cried, running for the bathroom.

  “Stop! I hate you!” I shrieked, throwing down the pillow that had been on my lap. I was all wrapped up in a blanket, like a little burrito, and I tried to throw it off of my shoulders, but the end was hooked under my lap.

  Lunging off of the sofa, I tried to leave it behind me, but it seemed to suck me back in, the blanket tied tighter around my waist than I’d realized. I fell flat on the floor, groaning when I caught myself on my knees and palms.

  “You did this!” I shouted, unable to move. Shimmying, I tried to scoot out of the blanket, but before I could unhook myself, I heard the bathroom door slam shut. “You’re a horrible friend!” I cried, thinking for sure that that would bring her back.

  It didn’t, and I gave up, laying down on the floor, half-engulfed by the blanket. If I died there, the medical examiner would come in and flip the blankets off of me, tsking as he did.

  “She could have escaped,” he would say, shaking his head a little, “but she’d been mortally wounded by her best friend. Broken heart.”

  “Tiffany,” I called, trying to sound as pathetic as possible. “You have to come back! Heeeeeeeeeeelp me!”

  The bathroom door clicked open and I heard her walk towards me, slowly, like she thought it was a trap. “Are you dead?” She asked, squatting down next to me.

  “The phone,” I said, reaching for it. “Gimme.”

  To my surprise, she handed it right over and then unwrapped my legs for me. “I told you that making yourself into a burrito was a fire hazard. What if we had to evacuate for some reason? You’d never get out and you’d be dead.”

  “You’re being very helpful,” I told her, grabbing her outstretched hand and pulling myself up. “But I’m more likely to die from the knowledge that my best friend is willing to steal my drug dealer phone.”

  Just then, it vibrated in my hand. I stared at it for a minute, then looked up at Tiffany. “Did you text him?”

  “Don’t be mad,” she said, taking a step back, her hands up between us like she thought that she could possibly calm me down like that. “I just thought that maybe you needed a push in the right direction.”

  “The right direction? He has a girlfriend!” I collapsed on the sofa without looking at the phone. “The bodega man was right. He knew that this was the phone for drug dealers or people having affairs. This has to end, Tiffany.”

  She was silent and I flipped open the phone to read what was written. In response to his earlier text she had thanked him and offered to cook for him again sometime.

  I shot her a glare. “If I cook for the poor man again then it’s very possible that some child in Africa will grow up with a cleft palate because he dies after eating my food.”

  “You’re dramatic. What did he say?”

  I looked down, fully expecting his newest text to be calling me out for being such a liar.

  Katie told me that you couldn’t cook for us on Thursday, but it would mean a lot if you could. Then maybe I can thank you in person.

  “He’s a cheater,” I hissed at my friend. “A cheater who doesn’t know how to take no for an answer!”

  “You have to do it,” she said, leaning over me. Her hand twitched a little and I tightened my grip on my phone. “He needs your food, Katie. Give the poor man what he wants.”

  “He’s a toddler who doesn’t know what he wants,” I told her. “Left to his own devices he would probably gorge on cookies and ice cream and then wonder why he had a stomachache.”

  My experience with kids was limited, but I knew that they weren’t the best at self-preservation, and I was beginning to lump Nick in that same group.

  “I’m telling him I can’t do it,” I told her, giving myself a little nod. “Encouraging him is only making things worse for me in the future since I’ll have to tell him the truth eventually.”

  “No, you won’t.” Tiffany grinned at me. “You cook for him and he’ll never know the truth. Didn’t you say that you served the meal on Friday and nothing bad happened? It’s the same thing now. Don’t let him down.”

  “Nothing bad happened? He was grumpy that the caterer didn’t come herself to serve the food. If they flake out again then he’s going to get suspicious.” My fingers hovered over the buttons but I couldn’t force myself to type out a response.

  “One more time,” Tiffany said. “Just one more and then you can call it quits. I know that you liked seeing him eat the food you made.”

  She was right. Knowing that I could actually feed someone without them dying was a huge accomplishment for me. I’d even given up on keeping a fish because I always seemed to love them to death by giving them too much food. Or not enough. I honestly wasn’t ever sure, and my heart couldn’t bear one more watery toilet funeral.

  Knowing that I could keep a human alive and even make them happy with what I made felt really, really good.

  “You really don’t think that it’s a terrible idea?”

  “Oh, it’s a terrible idea,” she said, “but I know you well enough that if you don’t do it, you’ll be very disappointed.”

  Okay, but just because you asked so nicely, I texted him. Any special requests?

  My phone buzzed almost instantly.

  “He was waiting on your response,” Tiffany whispered, and I felt myself get goosebumps.

  Maybe he didn’t have a girlfriend. Guys who had girlfriends just didn’t have the time to sit around and text someone else, right?

  That stew was delicious, but maybe something lighter? I trust your instincts.

  Great. “Look at this,” I told Tiffany, holding my phone up for her to see. “He trusts my instincts? What does that mean?”

  “It means that you better start looking online for a good meal,” she said, grinning at me. “I’ll help, okay? And someday in the future you’re going to thank me.”

  “For meddling? I don’t think so.” Regretfully, I closed the pho
ne and put it on the coffee table, grabbing my laptop to start doing some research. “You’re a meddler, Tiffany. Grade A, top of the class, most obnoxious meddler.”

  “You’re welcome. I’m going to meddle you straight into that man’s arms.”

  Hope poured through me, even though I knew that it was ridiculous. I could look at Nick and want him from afar, but I had to remember that he belonged to someone else.

  I would respect that, both as Katie and as Marie.

  But I really didn’t mind the chance to get to know him a little better.

  Before I could stop myself, I grabbed the burner and fired off another text.

  Any favorite meals you want me to take into consideration? I’d love to make something that you really like.

  Tiffany saw my text and raised her eyebrow.

  “What?” I asked, like I hadn’t just opened a huge can of worms. “It’s research. For the caterer. Nothing personal.”

  That was all it was, right?

  Chapter 16

  There was another suspiciously pink square on my door in the morning. I saw it from down the hall, only because I’d been looking for it as soon as the door to the main office closed behind me. Just call me Pavlov’s dog. One pink sticky note on the door and I was sure that I’d be checking for another every time I went to my office.

  Ignoring the fact that I was supposed to open another door to check out what else was stored on the hall where my office was, I ran down the hall and grabbed the note from the door.

  Thanks again for helping me get in touch with Marie. She’ll be catering Thursday, so make sure to reach out to her.

  Oh, crap.

  All of the joy I’d felt over getting to text with Nick suddenly faded away. Yeah, I’d learned that he really loved French dips and had a soft spot for freshly baked snickerdoodles, but I’d also committed to making another lunch for him and his rich friends.

  In fact, I stayed up way too late texting him as Marie. It was a shame that he didn’t know it was me, because we had a great conversation. But, as Katie, I couldn’t know anything that he’d told me.

  At least there were only going to be ten people there this time, and since most of them weren’t repeats, I was already planning on using the pumpkins from last Friday as part of the decoration.

  I let myself into my office and turned on my computer, getting my snacks arranged for the day when my phone vibrated.

  Yeah, that phone.

  I meant to tell you last night that I make a mean cup of coffee if you want to stick around after the event on Thursday.

  I froze, unsure of how to respond. Obviously, Marie couldn’t come to the office, but if I told Nick that I was the one he’d been texting, I had a feeling that I’d lose my job. My fingers trembled as I thought about what to say, but before I could type anything out, someone knocked on my door.

  Opening the top drawer of my desk, I threw the phone it, then slammed it shut just as the door swung open.

  Nick walked in, looking impossibly tall and handsome in my tiny office. He glanced around like he hadn’t ever been in there before, then gave me a little smile when he looked at me.

  “Good morning, Katie! Did you get my sticky about Thursday? I talked to Marie last night and she’s happy to cater for us.” He looked so excited that I felt my heart beat faster.

  Even though he didn’t know it, he was talking about me. He was excited that I was catering for him. Kinda.

  “I did,” I said, smiling back just as big. “That’s great. Did you two decide on a menu?”

  “We talked about it.” He leaned against his doorframe. “I want everything to go smoothly, so I thought that I’d help you out a little this morning.”

  “Help me out?” I was planning on looking online for a recipe that would not only make him happy but wouldn’t kill him when I cooked it, but I couldn’t exactly tell him that. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re going shopping for supplies, right? I’ll come with you and help you carry them.”

  “Oh, that sounds…” Great? Amazing? Like a date? “Helpful, thanks, but I don’t want to take you away from the office if you have things to do. I’ve trained for this moment for years by only taking one trip in with the groceries.” To prove my point, I lifted my arms and flexed a little, although he probably couldn’t see my muscles under my cardigan.

  In response, he raised an eyebrow. “Watch out, Arnold Schwarzenegger,” he said, and I felt my heart flip. “I’ll drive, if you’d like.”

  “The other problem is that I haven’t really planned out what decorations to use,” I told him. “Normally I don’t go shopping without a plan so that I don’t go over budget.”

  He waved his hand like the problem was a small bug that he could shoo away. “Don’t worry about budget, I’ll get it all. I want Thursday to be as impressive as possible.”

  “Oh, important crowd?” I asked, grabbing my purse with my one real phone in it and standing up. It was obvious that he wasn’t going anywhere, and if I wanted to get anything done today, I was going to have to go shopping with him.

  Throw me in the briar patch, am I right?

  “About like normal. But Marie is going to be there, and since it’s our first time meeting, I want to make sure that she’s impressed. She did a great job impressing me, and I’d like to do the same.” He gestured for me to lead the way out of my office and I walked past him, flipping off the light as I did.

  Right. Marie. It wasn’t that he wanted to spend time with me, he wanted to make sure that Marie had a nice time when she was in his office. We walked into the main office together, making Linda look up.

  Her eyes flashed from him to me, and I saw the corners of her mouth lift up. “I am so sorry that things didn’t work out, Katie, but you know, you aren’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Better luck next time.” It was obvious that she was barely able to contain her glee. For the first time since I’d met her, she was honest-to-goodness smiling, and she had a bright spot of color in each cheek.

  I stopped dead in my tracks. “Wait,” I said, turning to Nick. “Are you firing me?”

  He glanced at me and then looked at Linda, slowly shaking his head. “Katie and I are going shopping for Thursday, Linda,” he said.

  To her credit, she blushed hard, bright red creeping up from her chest to engulf her neck, which was something that I didn’t think a robot could do. “I apologize,” she said, grabbing a stack of papers and tapping them together, even though they’d been perfectly lined up before she touched them. “I misread the room.”

  “No worries,” I said, trying to diffuse the situation. “No harm done.”

  Nick was surprisingly silent, but I tried to ignore the voice in my head that was begging for him to stand up for me. Instead of allowing myself to get upset, I turned and looked up at him. “You ready?”

  “I am. Wait on the sidewalk, Katie, and I’ll be right there,” he told me, and I nodded.

  As I walked away, I could feel their eyes boring into the back of my head, but I tried to ignore it as I walked outside. They could stare all they wanted, but Linda didn’t have the power to fire me.

  At least, I didn’t think so.

  The wind was chilly out and I wrapped my arms around me, stamping my feet a little to keep warm. After just a moment, the door behind me opened back up and Nick joined me.

  “Everything okay?” I asked, unable to help myself. So help me God, I wanted to know if Linda had gotten in trouble for being mean to me, even though it wasn’t my place.

  “It’s fine. I’m sorry about that,” he said, nodding and leading the way to the alley along the building. We walked in silence for a moment until he stopped in front of his car.

  It was a sleek black Lexus, but beyond that, I didn’t couldn’t tell anything about it. The only reason I knew it was a Lexus was because of the big L on the back of the car which did not, as I had thought when I was a little kid, stand for Loser.

  Quite the opposite, apparently.


  “Here you go,” Nick said, opening the door for me. My heart flipped a little as I squeezed past him to get into the car, but I tried not to think about what it was like being so close to him.

  He hopped in and started the car, making it purr as he guided it out of the alley. “That controls your seat warmer,” he told me, giving the knob closest to me a little twist. Almost immediately I felt my seat start to heat up and I wiggled down into it, enjoying the way it felt.

  “Nice car,” I said, although it was more of a question than a statement. It was obviously a nice car, because crappy ones didn’t have seat warmers, but beyond that, I didn’t know anything about it. “The only seat warmers mine has is when the pleather seats get too hot during the summer and your thighs burn when you sit down.”

  He laughed and ran his hand along the steering wheel. “They seemed a little silly at first, but now I love them.”

  And then, because I can’t seem to spend time with another person without opening my mouth and sticking my foot firmly in it, I had to go and say something stupid. “I’m surprised that it’s not all white, like your office.”

  One beat.

  We stopped at a stop light.

  I took a deep breath and cut my eyes at him to try to see what he was thinking.

  He sighed and gave a little chuckle. “The sterile atmosphere has gotten out of hand,” he said. “I…well, we started out that way to make our patients feel like they were going to be taken care of. Medicine is messy, and so is surgery, but that didn’t mean that they needed to see the mess.”

  I raised an eyebrow and waited for him to continue. Sure, I understood what he was saying, but I didn’t see how it could go from being clean to being…well, what it was.

  “You said we,” I prompted, when he didn’t continue. Just then, though, the light turned green and he powered through it, the motor barely purring as we drove.

  I pointed at the craft store up ahead and he pulled in, slipping the car into a parking space and killing the engine before turning to look at me. “My aunt. I don’t know if she’s said anything, but Linda’s my aunt, and she’s the one who…put together the aesthetic for the office.”