Regrets of The Fallen (Victis Honor Book 1)

by Jake Taylor

  Haruka’s expression darkened but she nodded her understanding. It was hard for Isabella to express how much she felt for the woman’s situation; she hoped it showed in her face, tone and actions. She took a seat on the edge of the bed, giving her a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry; it won’t be as bad as you think.” Haruka gave her a dubious look and Isabella responded by laying her hand on her un-bandaged cheek, holding her gaze. “I promise, you won’t even be thinking about it an hour from now.”

  Haruka sighed, seeming to run over the words in her head before nodding, choosing to believe her. Isabella smiled again before reaching up, carefully beginning to undo the bandages. Haru didn’t flinch and Bella didn’t expect her to as she peeled them away. After they were removed Haruka blinked several times, slowly letting her eye adjust to the room’s dim lighting. Isabella had been right; it likely would have been painful had she stared into direct sunlight.

  Isabella picked up a hand mirror from the bedside table and handed it to her, knowing it would only be worse the longer she put it off. The monk looked in the mirror and at first her jaw tightened, realization setting in that she really was scarred now. In truth, she was lucky; while the scarring extended from forehead to jawline, her eye was virtually untouched and the scarring on her left cheek didn’t even reach her nose or lips. If she just combed her hair over her left eye to the jawline it wouldn’t even be noticed. But the skin that was scarred looked bad; ashen, almost grey, and yet a deep red in spots at the same time.

  It was a mix of both burn and tear scars; she must’ve been hit by some shrapnel in the explosion. A little muscle tissue was visible in some spots, and over most of the area the skin was slightly twisted and almost thinner. It definitely looked a lot worse than it felt, though now that she saw it, it began hurting again. The worst part was that, looking at it, she couldn’t seem to focus on anything else; any time she tried to look at her eyes, or her mouth, or her other cheek, her gaze would snap back to the damage. Somehow that one patch of scarring marred the entirety of her appearance; ruined it.

  She finally forced herself to lower the mirror and looked at Isabella, unsure what to say. Bella had watched her face go through several emotions and at that moment she would have given all of her other abilities to be capable of healing it. Wishing for such things was pointless, though, and not the answer Haruka needed. In the end, all Isabella could do was let the other woman know it didn’t matter to her.

  She leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on Haruka’s scarred cheek, her fingers brushing the brown hair away from the area. She looked at it for a second before catching Haruka’s green eyes and the surprise in them. She smiled at her, willing the sincerity she felt to show through, keeping her hand comfortingly against her cheek. “You look tough,” she stated softly, “and delicate at the same time.” She looked between both eyes, making sure she was listening, understanding. “Your strength takes a scar and makes it a badge. And your beauty?” She chuckled softly, as if the notion was silly, “Your beauty isn’t marred at all.”

  Haruka swallowed, holding Isabella’s gaze. She didn’t share things, personal things and feelings, with people, but Isabella certainly shared them with her, and it made it very hard to focus on depression or sorrow. Such open honesty and care was foreign to her, but just how much easier it made dealing with this… it was unbelievable, really. “Thank you,” she managed, hoping the two simple words really conveyed her gratitude.

  Isabella smiled in relief, removing her hand, which Haruka – oddly – found herself missing as soon as it was gone. “You still want to use the mask?”

  Haruka nodded, motioning to the scars. “Personal.”

  “I understand. Well when you go out it will cover that no problem, and you’ll look mysterious and sexy. Well, sexy in a different way than you already are,” Isabella added with a grin, watching a new blush creep up on her companion. “There it is… Anyway,” she said as she picked up the half-mask, “If you’re going to travel with me, I have a rule.”

  Haruka blinked, tilting her head. “Rule?”

  “Yes,” Isabella replied, withholding the mask. “You can wear this in public, in crowds, whatever. But no wearing it when it’s just us. Deal?”

  “Deal,” she softly agreed.

  “Good! Now try it out. If you don’t like it we’ll come up with something else.”

  Haruka slipped the mask onto her face. The cool porcelain felt good against the burned skin, a nice bonus. The mask was minimal and curved so that it didn’t touch her nose or lips, but covered everything left of them, from forehead to jawline. The hole for her eye was made so that it didn’t obscure her vision in any direction. Idly she wondered how Isabella had managed to make it fit so perfectly, so comfortably, to her face. She remembered her saying she had ‘done something like this before’, though; she would have to ask what that was at some point.

  She examined herself in the mirror and was surprised to see that Isabella was, again, right; with the artful white mask over the left side of her face, covered in its intricate and beautiful designs, she really did look somewhat mysterious, sort of like a guest at a masquerade party. “Perfect,” she admitted, eliciting happy clapping from the blue-haired woman.

  “Great! I’m so glad you like it! People will be all, ‘ooh, look at that woman! She’s so mysterious and seductive! I bet she has so many exciting secrets and lives the most unusual life!”

  Haruka chuckled, giving Isabella an amused look. “Reaching.”

  “I’m not reaching! That’s totally what they’ll think! And if you do that glare you do with that on, you’ll look even fiercer and more impressive.”

  “Fierce?” Haruka shook her head. “Hiding.”

  “Yes, but you look like you are hiding things, not in hiding. And secrets are alluring. You look like someone with a lot of secrets and-“

  “Mystery?” Haruka finished with a raised eyebrow.

  Isabella huffed; the action made her seem much younger, childish even, which just amused Haruka. “Okay, maybe I’ve overused that word a bit, but it’s true.”

  “Thesaurus.”

  “I can’t believe you used a rare three syllables just to insult my vocabulary.”

  “Deserved.”

  “Now you’re just being cruel.”

  “Honest.”

  “Just for that, I’m not going with you to the festival today.”

  “Liar.”

  “And how do you know I’m lying?”

  Haruka gave her a smug, self-satisfied smile. “You like me.”

  “I… Well…” Isabella frowned, defeated. “That is so not fair. How do you win using only seven words?”

  “Skill.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m going with ‘cheating’.”

  “Skillfully.”

  “I guess I can’t deny that.” Isabella leapt up from the bed. Her mood could easily be described as ‘elated’ as she held out hand out with a large smile. “Enough losing to your cheating ways. Let’s get going!”

  Haruka accepted the help getting up but, thankfully, found she had no problem standing under her own power. Another bit of good news she found as she got dressed was that her dark green longcoat had only sustained a small tear from a piece of shrapnel in the explosion, one that was easily fixed. If it wasn’t resistant to fire it probably would have been a lost cause.

  After they left the room Isabella watched Haruka squint against the outside sunlight, her left eye clamped shut. “Riiiiight, I think I forgot about the whole ‘haven’t seen light in two days’ thing. I’m sorry!”

  “Fine” Haruka assured her, as she moved some of her hair over her left eye to cut down the glare until it adjusted.

  “If you say so.” Isabella clasped her hands behind her back, walking calmly down the street. “So, Haruka Saito, we’re going to be travelling together?”

  “Yes.”

  “Can I learn some basic information, then? I only really know your name. Like, how about your race? I’m pretty sure
you’re elven.”

  “Elf,” Haruka nodded, looking to Isabella. “Yours?”

  “Well, while blue hair is a possible elven feature, I think you’ve noticed my grey eyes ruin that,” she replied, receiving a nod from Haruka, who knew elven eyes were almost always bright and vivid in color, like her green ones. “I’m a second-generation fallen.” She smiled at Haruka. “Both parents.”

  Haruka tilted her head, her curiosity rising. “Type…?” she said, as if unsure if it was okay to ask. But then, Isabella had been nothing but honest with her so far, and if she didn’t want to answer she’d simply say so.

  “Father was a demon, mother was an angel.”

  “Rare?”

  “Not as much as you’d think, actually. So I hear, anyway. I’ve never actually been to the fallen capitol, Haldar, or really seen other fallen at all; my parents met before they became so.”

  That part actually was rare. Due to some racism in certain parts of the world, fallen almost always lived in The Floating City. “From?”

  “Where am I from?” Isabella looked at her as if deciding if she could be trusted. “Areya,” she said softly.

  Haruka blinked in surprise. Areya was far, far to the west; she’d never even known anyone who had been there. There was no point; even where they were now, outside Imperial lands, felt like far enough away from the ‘center of the world’ as people seemed to think of it. Areya was just some distant land beyond the distant lands, beyond the rocky plains of Mithlain, the forest beyond that, and even the mountains beyond that. “Far,” Haruka said, summing up what she thought about it in one word.

  Isabella smiled sadly. “Yes, it is.”

  “Left?”

  “For good? Yes.”

  “Return?”

  “No…” Isabella sighed. “I don’t plan on ever going back. There’s…” She looked at Haruka. “It’s the past. And I can’t go back to that past. I can’t… go back to that place.” She looked away. “I know I’m a coward…”

  Haruka caught her hand, causing her to look back at her. “Not,” she denied, shaking her head. “Difference,” she continued, moving her free hand to one spot to illustrate, “Running,” she moved her hand to a different spot, “Moving on.”

  Isabella smiled at her. “I do like your explanation better. I’ve been running until now, though.” She tilted her head, studying Haruka. “Maybe you’ll help me switch to moving on,” she said in a soft voice as if to herself.

  Haruka nodded. “Focus on future.”

  Isabella nodded as well, walking again. “You’re right, the future is what’s important. One can’t forget the past, though.”

  “Remember,” Haruka cautioned as she followed her, “not focus.”

  “Yes… I suppose I have a tendency to focus on the past sometimes. I can get dreadfully depressed and depressing. I apologize in advance for that, but you’re sweet enough not to mind, aren’t you?” She smiled at Haruka’s blush. “And you thought you were all hard. So tell me, Ruki, what age are you that has given you all this wisdom?”

  “Common?” Haruka asked. Receiving a nod in response she held up two fingers, then nine.

  “Twenty-nine? Me, too!” Isabella grinned. “Do you believe in fate, Haru?”

  Haruka coughed, unsure what to say. She decided on a shrug and a smirk, saying, “Maybe.”

  “You’re a good argument for fate, you know. What are the chances of my randomly meeting you here, in this town where neither of us lives, where neither of us often visits?” She paused, looking back at Haruka. “You don’t visit here often, right?”

  Haruka smiled a bit, shaking her head.

  “Then it’s FATE!” Isabella cried out, raising a hand victoriously. “Finally working in my favor for once!”

  Haruka chuckled. How could you not feel good when someone was so happy about having met you? She was still getting used to this, being around someone who was just glad that she was there. She didn’t have to do anything or say anything; her presence seemed to be enough to make Isabella happy. Haruka didn’t claim to understand why; she was just grateful.

  This put her in a mood that helped as they entered a heavily crowded market area of the town. So far they’d only passed one or two people, but now they were in the thick of it. Dozens, even hundreds of people milled about in this area, hundreds of eyes that could focus on and judge her. This was the test, she felt, but for what, exactly, she didn’t know. She didn’t get long to think about it, either, because Isabella grabbed her hand, flashed her a smile and pulled her through the crowd, weaving between moving bodies.

  Isabella’s grip was reassuring, her smile more so, and her excitement soon cancelled out Haruka’s anxiety. The monk didn’t need to be an expert on people to figure out that Bella was doing this on purpose. It put the facts of her new life in front of her, really; made them reality. She realized her chosen devotion to the cobalt-haired woman gained her not only devotion in return but support, a partner that would be at her side through everything.

  Haruka found herself embracing such ideas more quickly and fully than she would have thought herself capable of. She felt that, having been so solitary, removed and hard for most of her life, she should be more resistant to gaining such a strong friendship so quickly. Perhaps she’d never been lonely out of choice. Perhaps she’d just never had someone she wanted such a bond with and, now that she did, she was eager to see just how far it would go.

  Isabella pulled her up to a stand, grinning like a child at the man behind it. Haruka examined the man’s stand and noticed all manner of food, mostly sweets and candy. For some reason, the fact that Bella chose this as the first place to stop didn’t surprise her. “Two of the least healthy things you have, please!” she exclaimed, causing Haruka to roll her eyes.

  The man – an elderly gentleman dressed nicely for the crowds today – did glance at Haruka’s mask a bit long, as she expected, but encouragingly, he seemed interested rather than repulsed or cautious. Haruka supposed Isabella’s repeated assurance that she would ‘look mysterious’ had been correct all along. Maybe this whole thing wouldn’t be so bad after all.

  The old man chuckled at Isabella’s energy and her order, looking at her in amusement. “I can appreciate the sentiment, young one,” he said as he worked on two items.

  Isabella smiled. “Young one, huh? I don’t get that very often.”

  “Oh, you may be well beyond your childhood, but still in your earlier years. I’m over eighty so, to me, you’re young.”

  Isabella grinned at him. “You’re a human, right? I’m over three hundred, so I’m well older than you.”

  The man chuckled again. “You may think that at first, but reaching the end of your life is more significant in matters of age than years are. The two of you are young to me no matter what you say.”

  Isabella smiled respectfully at him. “I bow to your superior wisdom,” she stated, physically bowing. “I hope that means you won’t judge me for the extremely childish manner in which I intend to experience this day.”

  Both the man and Haruka laughed at that. He then handed them each a shish kabob covered with candied fruit that dripped with syrup, grinning as Isabella’s face lit up. “Everyone needs to act like a kid every so often. Keeps you sane.”

  Bella gave him a smile as she paid him. “You, sir, understand.” She handed one of them to Haruka, bidding the man good-bye as they started walking again, biting into the fruit and making the exact sounds one would expect from a child eating sweets.

  Haruka smirked, overtly taking a bite like a normal person, an act that didn’t go past Bella’s notice. The blue-haired woman stuck her tongue out at her and Haru snickered. She looked back over her shoulder. “Speak well,” she said, referencing Bella’s conversation with the old man. “Get along.”

  “I guess I’m something of a people person these days,” Bella agreed, sucking on a piece of apple, her favorite. “Mmm, apples…” She looked back over her shoulder as well before smiling at Haruk
a. “It’s really not that hard. Most people respond to the way you act. If you act standoffish, they’ll probably do the same. On the other hand, if you come to them with a smile, a good attitude and a bit of kindness, you’d be surprised how many people will treat you with the same.”

  Haruka nodded; it was good advice, for most people. “Harder,” she stated, “for me.”

  “I suppose it is…” Isabella looked at her. She opened her mouth as if to ask, but closed it again without saying anything.

  Haruka understood, though, so she pointed to her chest just below her throat, indicating her voice. “Birth defect… weak chords,” she explained. It wasn’t something she liked admitting but it wasn’t like she could hide it. And besides, if she was going to spend a long time with Isabella, the woman deserved to know why her travelling companion only said one or two words at a time. “Too much,” she continued, “hurts; stops.”

  “Oh, I see,” Isabella responded, looking at her sadly. That disappeared in a second, though, replaced with an affectionate smile. “I still think it’s cute.”

  Haruka blushed again but answered with a smile, “Good.”

  “I can imagine it must be frustrating. Being unable to do something can be the worst feeling.” Isabella watched her companion’s eyes as they walked. “Little unique things like that are good, though. It’s just another special part of you. And besides… It may be selfish, but…” Isabella herself actually blushed this time as she looked away, causing Haruka to raise an eyebrow. “Well, it is selfish, but I kind of like the idea that, eventually, I’ll understand what you say more than anyone else does. I’ve never had any sort of personal connection like that.”

  Haruka gave an understanding smile. “Selfish,” she started, “about me…” She allowed herself to take a pause in between before continuing with another smile, “is good.”