Heartbreak's A Bitch!

by S. M Phillips

  “You’ll never know unless you step up and make the first move.” She gives my thigh a big squeeze in encouragement before continuing, “Come on then my little slutty pants, let the fun begin.”

  “You like?”

  “Are you kidding me? I know I hate surprises, but this place is absolutely amazing. It’s exactly what I need.”

  “I know. That’s why I booked it for us, silly. Plus, you’ll be all pampered and feeling super fresh just in time for your super-hot date tonight.”

  “Hmm…” I purse my lips together tightly, unsure if I should verbally express my feelings. Sure, I’m pretty excited to see Noah again, who the bloody hell wouldn’t be. Jesus I am human after all, but I’m also crapping my pants too. Yes, we’re going on a second date but what if that’s it? What if it all ends there, just like that. Who knows he might see right through me and find me pretty boring this time around. After all, I was just a clumsy mare last time. Or, he might just prove me right and end up turning out to be an absolute tosser. My mind is totally cheering on the latter.

  This spa is gorgeous. It really is. I’ve never been to such a beautiful place before. I won’t lie, I can really envision myself running away from my horrific excuse of a life and hibernating here permanently. There’s probably enough room to house the majority of London too, but I think kidnapping Rachel and Mel would be more than enough to keep me entertained.

  Everything about this luxurious place ticks every single one of my boxes. The most important one being privacy. I’m most definitely a city girl, but right now, just the idea of being hidden away inside the walls of a massive castle like building surrounded by nothing but acres upon acres of land gives me a sudden need that I’ve never experienced before in my entire life and that’s including the build up to the final Twilight book. It’s without a shadow of a doubt, the ultimate paradise.

  “Well it’s too bad that you suck major donkey balls and can’t even hold down a job then, isn’t it?”

  “Oh, piss off, you miserable witch.” I argue back to my vicious and ugly alter-ego.

  “What? If you don’t get your act together soon, the only thing that you’ll be living out of is a wet, soggy cardboard box.”

  Before I have a chance to get all deep and personal with my thoughts, Rachel strolls through the door and comes waltzing right over to me, prosecco in one hand and a plush quilted robe in the other. “Here, get this on,” she hands me the robe like a giddy little kipper, “then get some of this stuff down your neck. That’ll help soothe all your problems, that will.”

  I gratefully extend my right hand out and snatch it away from her grasp. She’s driving, so I guess it looks like this bad boy’s all for me. Hey, I’m not complaining.

  For a change, today actually looks like it’s set to be a good day.

  “Thank you.” I whisper as Rachel delicately places her petite bottom on the sofa next to me. She’s ridiculous, you know. There’s no excuse for it at all really. Even with her hair tied up in a shaggy, really can’t be arsed top-knot, she still manages to look gorgeous and there’s not a single drop of make-up in sight. I wonder how we have managed to stay best friends for so long.

  Me on the other hand, I bloody look like a right tramp who’s hit gold in a local charity shop. Honestly, it’s that bad that it’s even beginning to become a chore to drag my fat lazy arse to the mirror in the morning. Don’t even get me started on my poor split ends. If I were to audition for the part of the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, I’d hands down get the part even without doing anything. No amount of Frizz-ease in the land could control this beast, that’s a fact.

  Oh, what have I become? A wallowing bloody mess, that’s what.

  “Don’t mention it.”

  “No, I really mean it. I’ve been so horrible to you and you’ve just plodded along and taken it all on the chin when you shouldn’t have too. There’s really no excuse for it and I really don’t know why you continue to put up with me. I really don’t.”

  “Honestly?” She laughs. “Neither do I at times, but I’ll tell you one thing, my life would be pretty damn boring without you in it and that’s a fact.”

  “Well if you put it like that, fortunately for you it looks like you’ve hit the best friend jackpot.” I say sarcastically and in true Rachel fashion, she just rolls her eyes at me.

  Charming…

  As I lie here, all relaxed and having a much needed pedicure, drinking all of the prosecco and putting the world to rights with my best friend, a thought suddenly occurs to me. Yes, as strange as it sounds, sometimes that can happen. I know, I even surprise myself. “You know, as relaxed as I am I can’t help but feel like a complete knob-head sat here like this.”

  “Erm… okay. May I ask why?” I can tell just by Rachel’s tone that she’s a little confused as to where this is going and our beauticians carry on with the treatments. I bet they hear bloody all sorts in this kind of trade.

  “Because this bloody face mask smells amazing and all, but it’s so tight it feels like it’s suffocating my skin. You know, I bet this is what a knob feels like when it’s trapped inside a condom; poor little fellas.”

  “Emily Parker, has anyone ever told you that you’re not quite right in the head? I really do worry about you at times. You know, it really does scare me to think of all the random crap that comes out of your mouth.”

  “I guess that would make two of us then, but I’m the lucky soul who has to live with it daily.”

  “Oh, so now that you’re all freshly waxed are you gonna show that sexy son of a bitch Noah the goods, or what?”

  Bloody hell. That’s Rachel for you, always saying it like it is. We’ve only been through the front door for five minutes and she’s already homing in on me like I’m her prey. You know some people could mistake this kind of behaviour for bullying, but fortunately for her, I know how she is and honestly, I wouldn’t have her any other way.

  “I don’t think that’s a wise move, really, do you?” I throw my bag on the table as the nerves start up again at just the mere mention of Noah’s name. Will I ever be able to get a grip on my emotions?

  “Why the hell not? You’ve been without for so long. It’s hide time you got that Vajayjay of yours back on the market and back in action.”

  “It’s not a bloody piece of meat to be sold to the highest bidder, Rach. I’m quite selective in that department, don’t you know.”

  The look that she’s giving me shows me that she feels differently. “Really?”

  “Yes, really. Matt doesn’t count. He was a, what shall we call him, a mishap?”

  “Yeah whatever. But Noah though. I’ve told you before. He’s definitely a shower, I’ve seen his outline in detail on numerous occasions, so I can only dream of what it must be like when he’s got a boner. Oh, it’s making me go all funny inside just thinking about it.” She spins on the spot and gleefully pulls her hands up to rest just above her chin. “Please. Do it for me. That way you can tell me if he packs the punch that his tight fitted trousers promise.”

  “Okay, so let me get this straight.” I say slowly as I lower myself on to the couch, pulling my legs up and curling them underneath me as I go. “You want me to shag Noah just so that I can tell you what his knob looks and feels like?”

  “Hmm mmm. What? Don’t look at me like that. I’m a curious soul and it’s a win-win situation.”

  “How the do you work that out you weirdo?”

  “It’s pretty obvious you numpty. You get to experience some pretty amazing O’s and I get to find out if I’m right or not.”

  “You’re being one hundred percent serious right now aren’t you? Bloody hell Rach, you’re fucking messed up in the head, you.”

  “Yep.” She smiles wickedly at me and I don’t know whether to slap her or hug her.

  “I’ve got a better idea. How about you give Doug a quick call? I’m pretty sure he’ll be able to occupy you and take your wild and crazy mind off Noah’s man bits for a while.”

&nb
sp; I’ve got no idea what’s going on with these two right now, but Rachel’s suddenly turned into some mental, sex crazed mad woman and the one person who could once upon a time sate that need for her was Doug and he doesn’t even seem to be touching the sides with her anymore.

  “Yeah, maybe.” She replies with little emotion in her voice as she tries to shrug me off.

  “Come on Rach, what’s happened between the two of you?”

  “Nothing all that exciting really. I just think it’s for the best if the two of us stop seeing each other, that’s all.”

  Okay, well I definitely wasn’t expecting her to just come out with something like that. “I feel like a change,” or “He’s just not doing it for me anymore.” sounds much more like Rachel’s get out quick excuses, but all this? Something just doesn’t add up here and I’m going to make sure that I get to the bottom of it.

  “First off lady, you can stop with the act. I want answers and I’m going to get them whether you like it or not. You owe me at least that much.” I remind her.

  “What do you mean?” She shrieks back at me. “I owe you? How do you work that one out?” I wait until she has joined me on the couch, curling her legs underneath her like me before continuing with my beautiful spiel. “In case you forgot, I just had to go through a very humiliating discussion with you that is Matt, didn’t I?”

  “Hang on a minute. What you’re telling me is that I owe you because you finally disclosed something to me that you should have told me straight from the off?”

  “Well yeah. Would you have preferred it if I’d given you a call beforehand to give you a quick heads up, or maybe you would have preferred me to leave the call connected so that you could hear us in action?”

  “Don’t be a bloody smart arse Emily. It doesn’t suit you.” She scolds. “You know exactly what I mean. You’ve broken the first rule of friendship, not me so less of the diva act if you will.”

  “Are you sure that I broke it first? Because from where I’m sitting it seems pretty clear that you’re the one who isn’t being one hundred percent honest with me.”

  Rachel watches me quietly for a minute and I can tell just from the set of her face that she’s contemplating whether to tell me all the details or not. “I know you better than you know yourself at times Rach. If you didn’t like a guy anymore, for whatever reason then you’d just come straight out with it.”

  “Okay, okay.” Her hands fly up into the air and she waves them around, begging me to stop. “Jesus, enough with the shrink act. That shit’s nothing but torture.”

  “So spill. It’ll be less painful that way, I promise.” I stare her down and it finally looks like my tactics have worked.

  “Ugh. Where do I start? Why did everything have to get so complicated?”

  Yes, one to Emily. Keep talking Rachel and we’ll finally get to the bloody bottom of this. “Have you honestly not learned a thing from me and my experiences? Shit gets complicated because he’s a man and he has a penis. You and I both know that those things are trouble and that’s trouble with a capital T.”

  “It was just supposed to be a bit of fun. You know, a little bit of ‘how’s your uncle’ whenever we felt like it. Always having someone readily available as a plus one with no hidden strings attached. God Emily, it was like living the dream. Either one of us could happily walk away when things became too much, or we needed a little head space. The best thing was that we always knew where we stood with each other, no matter what.”

  “So, what changed?” Wow, if I thought I was confused about this whole predicament before, it’s got nothing on how I’m feeling right now.

  “To put it bluntly, we did. Both of us changed and now it’s all messed up and gone to shit and I don’t know what to do about it all. I’ve never been in this kind of situation before.”

  “Oh…” is all that I can say as she sucks her bottom lip in, desperately trying to prevent the wobble from creeping in. Blimmin’ heck, she’s really upset about all this.

  The thing with Rachel is that even though she can be quite guarded, her eyes always tell a thousand tales and right now I can tell that she’s hurting and boy is she hurting bad.

  I can’t remember seeing her this upset since way back in year ten when her cat died. She bloody loved that crazed, psycho fur-ball. Shame the little shit didn’t feel the same way about me. The thing used to make my life hell just for the crack of it. Rachel always thought I was being stupid, but I’m telling you, if that cat could have committed murder, I would have been gone a long time ago.

  “Oh no. Please no.” I think to myself. If what I’m thinking is true, then this little situation is a whole lot worse that I originally imagined.

  “What? Why are you looking at me like that, you weirdo?” She shouts, cutting right into my thoughts.

  “Oh my God. It’s true, isn’t it? You, Rachel, only out for sex and a good time have only gone and done it haven’t you?” Rachel doesn’t say anything to me, but her eyes grow wide with fear. Yes, I’m bloody right. I know I am. “You’ve only gone and fallen in love with him.”

  She still doesn’t say anything to me and I take her silence as a big fat yes.

  Well, I never thought I’d see the day.

  “I don’t think I love him.” Rachel says after some quiet time. If it’s taken this long for her to think about it and then deny it, she most definitely does love him, but she’s still in denial. “I think I’m just unsure of these weird feelings that I have when I’m around him.”

  “You don’t believe that for a second. Have you told him?”

  “What? Are you stupid? If I’m being honest, I don’t think he wants me around anymore. He’s been really distant and whenever I do call him, he’s always got something on.”

  “He might just be busy Rach. Why don’t you give him a call now?”

  “Are you gonna call Matt?” She shoots back at me.

  “Fuck off.” Why didn’t I think that she’d come back with something ridiculous like that?”

  The rest of the afternoon passes by slowly. I’ve got my impending date with Thor looming and I just wish these nerves would do one. They’re not welcome here and they need to take a hike and fast. I feel like I’ve just been on the ‘Big One’ about five times in a row and every time I move all I want to do is vomit everywhere.

  Personally, I’ve never stepped foot on the ‘Big One’ and I’ve not get any intention of doing so in the future, either. But, I’m pretty sure this is exactly how I’d feel if ever I changed my mind. Again, that’s highly unlikely. I mean being thrown around a metal cart on a rickety track at only God knows what speed is not my idea of fun. Nope, that shit can be bottled up and saved for the crazy folk. Come on, imagine it breaking down. I can’t think of anything worse than plummeting to my death in the middle of a packed-out theme park. Give me the tea-cups any day of the week, oh and if I’m feeling brave then I’ll chance the caterpillar too.

  As well as my nerves taking over, little miss love machine’s been awfully and unusually quiet after our little chat earlier. A part of me feels like I need to call Noah and cancel, but as soon as I mentioned it to Rachel she got her back up and wouldn’t hear of it.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay here?” I ask again, handing Rachel a much needed glass of Prosecco. She takes it like a baby, starving for her elixir of life. “We could binge watch loads of crap T.V and get pissed. We’d have loads of fun.”

  “Don’t be daft. I told you before I’ll be fine. Plus, you can’t stand him up or drop out at the last minute after he went out of his way to replace your phone.”

  “Erm, excuse me. I can and I bloody well will. You’re more important and you’ll always come first, no matter what.”

  “Piss off, even with a God like creature like him. Jesus Emily, are you blind or something?” She laughs a real, genuine laugh at me and I start to feel better about her staying here alone.

  “Always.” I reply truthfully, tenderly stroking a stray hair an
d placing it back behind her ear. “Come on Rach. Please don’t make me do this. I don’t even know what to say to him.”

  “You know hello is always a good starting point. Now piss off, go and get ready. Geordie shore’s about to start and you know that I’m not prepared to miss this for anyone. Not even you.”

  The streets of Camden Town are eerily quiet and it doesn’t help ease my anxiety. I love a good busy street at night time. I like to believe that the more people are around you, the less likely you are to be kidnapped or attacked.

  However, I do enjoy the peacefulness that comes with it at the same time. Tonight, peace is exactly what I need. Noah, ever the Gentleman that he is offered to pick me up earlier, but I’m a big girl and I hate relying on anyone, especially men.

  So, because I’m pretty bloody awesome and Beyoncé’s independent woman oozes out of my every pore, I’m now freezing my bloody nips off as I try to find the venue that I’m supposed to be going to. “Good call Emily, good call.” I give myself a well-deserved mental pat on the back for my efforts. I bet my Mum’s so proud of the lady that I’ve become.

  To be honest, I can’t even remember the bloody name of the place, so I haven’t got a clue where I’m headed. I dig out my phone and scroll to Noah’s text to see if I can try and refresh my memory. Nope, it’s not there. This could only ever happen to me, for crying out loud. Do I really want to embarrass myself and have to phone him and ask for help? This independence thing is working out fabulously for me so far.

  I’ve only ever been to Camden a handful of times before and that was with Rachel and Mel. When I’m out and about, scouring rails and rails of clothing and must have goodies, why on earth would anyone expect me to take note of my surroundings? Both Rach and Mel are street smart you see, they know places which is pretty awesome for me because all I have to do then is follow their lead.