Alien in Chief

by Gini Koch

  “Boys, I’m glad you’re ready to treat Lizzie like part of the family and your new little sister. That’s awesome. However, you’re all kind of maligning Guy and Vance. They have standards, and they’re not into underage anything, or forcing anyone to do what they don’t want to do. And, I might add, you guys are the ones bringing up the potential sexy times. Vance didn’t mention anything like that.”

  “Out loud,” Jeff muttered.

  Lizzie giggled. “You sound like my dad any time there’s a school dance.”

  “Good to know he’s a good father,” Jeff said.

  “Let’s look at your list,” Chuckie said, possibly to change the subject. Lizzie handed it to him. Chuckie stared at it, and heaved a sigh.

  “How bad is it?” I asked finally, since he wasn’t sharing.

  “On what scale?”

  “One to ten. Ten being worst for this scenario.”

  Chuckie shot me a rueful grin. “Eleven.”

  CHAPTER 23

  “FANTASTIC. Truly, I cannot wait to hear the names Lizzie’s given us.”

  “Before we all get to that,” Len said, “shouldn’t we figure out what Olga wanted us to know?”

  “And get Adriana ready to go, too,” Kyle added. “I don’t think anyone’s called her to get her on board with the latest activity.”

  “We might as well wait for Vance to go over the list,” I said as I stood up. “He’ll know the nuances and details and we can all learn what fun we’re going to be having together.”

  Jeff sighed. “If we must.”

  “We must. In the meantime, hang on.”

  Trotted into my bedroom. I wanted to get a blow-dryer, but it occurred to me that now might also be a good time to check in with the King of the Elves and see what, if anything, he might want to share.

  Went to our huge walk-in closet and looked at our hamper, which was, as far as I’d been able to figure out, one of Algar’s portals. “So, any words of wisdom, warning, or advice you want to share with me before we head for Florida?”

  A rakishly handsome dwarf with tousled, dark, wavy hair and eyes that were unnaturally bright green appeared, sitting cross-legged on top of the hamper. Well, Algar was a dwarf by human standards. What he was by Black Hole Universe standards I, so far, hadn’t asked.

  “I suggest you stop stalling.”

  “I’m not stalling. I’m asking you for any guidance your free will allows you to share with me.”

  He sighed. “You know I won’t tell you anything.”

  This was a gigantic whopper of a lie. Algar told me things all the time. Sure, they were in a form of code, usually via music on my iPod or vague hints disguised as verbal sparring, but he still told me things frequently. And during Operation Civil War he’d been practically throwing help my way. Which I’d needed, of course.

  But he was a Free Will Fanatic of the highest order, and so he didn’t want to admit that he was helping me. It was our little fiction, but since ACE had taken up residence in Jamie’s mind, I’d become more demanding that Algar toss a few bread crumbs my way.

  Decided to go with something easier. “Any suggestions for how to read Olga’s invisible letter?”

  “Lemon juice and heat, just like you’re thinking. See? You don’t need to ask me for help.”

  “I know, but I enjoy the verbal sparring so very much. Want to give me a hint about what’s coming?”

  Algar cocked his head at me. “Why are you asking me this right now?”

  “Because we have people from your favorite solar system about to drop by, assassins all over the place, a teenager who appears to need protection probably from a host of our mutual enemies, and we’re about to take the train down to Florida to attempt to keep NASA Base open, among other things.”

  “Sounds like business as usual for you.”

  “Aren’t you hilarious? Are we taking the right team members? Are there others we should leave at home, so to speak, or bring along?”

  He shrugged. “I think you’ve chosen well, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “It’s not, and you know it. You’re really testy. Did I disturb you from a chess game with Death or making your bed or something?”

  “Nothing that interesting. You left a far more interesting discussion to come into your closet and harangue me.”

  “See, that discussion’s going to happen in a couple of minutes. I’m delaying the gratification. You should be all proud of me. And I decided to spend my delayed waiting time with my favorite non-helpful Operations Team Member for the fun and reassurance you’re not giving me.”

  “What possible reassurance would you need? Everyone’s following your plan.”

  “I’m going to let both of us contemplate just how often my plans don’t go as I envision. Sure, they work out in the end. But it’s the excitement and twists, turns, and horrific surprises along the way to the end that I’d like to get a handle on.”

  “Talk to Chuckie if you want to discuss time, the past, or the future, not me.”

  “Huh?”

  “Seriously, why are you so worried about this? Just been out of action too long?”

  “I’m going to seriously resent that comment, especially coming from you. I’m worried because I’m leaving my children here. Is that a wise thing to do?”

  “I try not to tell any of you how to parent. And you should be happy about it—if I’d meddled like that, none of the A-Cs would be on Earth.”

  Managed not to ask if he’d interfered that way in another universe though. My experience over the past years said that, with the infinity of the multiverse, he’d done so at least once. Though, of course, while managing to pretend that whatever he’d influenced was achieved through everyone’s free will.

  “I’m not asking you if time-outs work on a child of Charlie’s age or when to give up trying to make Jamie take a nap. I’m asking if my children will be safer here than with me and Jeff.”

  “Ah. Safer here for certain.” Algar gave me a bright smile I felt was totally faked.

  “So, you’re saying they won’t be safe here, either. Should I send everyone to Dulce?”

  “If it makes you feel better.”

  “Will it, in point of fact, make my children and the other children safer?”

  Algar sighed again. “No. Look, you need to get back to things. All I can tell you is that while you’ll handle everything you need to, the real threat isn’t anything you’re used to dealing with.” With that he snapped his fingers and disappeared.

  Managed not to mention that he was a real jerk because I was sure he knew and I also didn’t want to make him not want to toss those inscrutable bread crumbs to me whenever he felt I actually needed them. Heaved my own sigh. “Thanks.”

  As I turned to leave the closet, something caught my eye. A pair of what looked like night vision goggles. We definitely didn’t have these hanging around in our closet. Picked them up. Yep, goggles. “Um, thanks again. I’ll just . . . put these in my purse for later. I guess.”

  Waited. Nothing happened. Presumably these were for later. Or Algar was amusing himself. Possibly both.

  My purse was on our dresser and I dropped the goggles into it on my way to the bathroom to retrieve my blow-dryer. Flushed the toilet while I was in there, just in case. The soundproofing was good enough that it was unlikely anyone would hear the flush, but that way I wouldn’t be lying at all if I had to tell the others that I’d been gone so long because I’d had to go.

  Rejoined the others, blow-dryer in hand. Chuckie grinned. “Going full National Treasure, are we?”

  “Yeah, we are.” Took the blank paper from him and went into our kitchen and to the fridge. “Some lemon juice. And a Coke.” Opened the fridge to find a small bowl of lemon juice and an ice-cold bottle of the really good Coke up from Mexico, the one with real sugar in it. Clearly Alga
r wanted to kiss and make up. “Thank you very much!”

  Grabbed the juice and the Coke. Got the bottle cap off and had a nice, long drink. Thusly fortified, plugged the blow-dryer in, got a couple of tissues, laid the paper on the sink, and started to lightly brush it with the lemon juice.

  Chuckie joined me. “Mountain Dew,” he said to the fridge. Got his soda and joined me. “Want me to do the drying?”

  “Sure, if you want the thrill of helping.”

  The others trooped in. Jeff explained to Lizzie how to work the fridge. She asked for a Dr. Pepper, was thrilled when it appeared, then wanted to get everyone else’s drinks. Couldn’t blame her—that had pretty much been my reaction to how the Elves worked, too.

  So, while Lizzie acted like the most enthusiastic waitress ever and got everyone’s nonalcoholic beverage of choice—and had it explained to her that no one in the entire Embassy was allowed to drink alcohol, her especially, so she shouldn’t bother asking for it when the adults weren’t around—Chuckie and I worked on my Secret Letter.

  Somewhat to my surprise, this method worked. But what we got as a result of it working didn’t make things any clearer.

  “Can you read it?” I asked Chuckie as we stared at letters that made no sense.

  “No. I want to say it’s in code, but I don’t think it is.” He studied it more closely. “I think it’s in a form of Cyrillic.”

  “I thought Romania used the same alphabet that we do.”

  “They do, now. And have for well over a hundred and fifty years. But that’s what I think it is.”

  Jeff sighed. “Is Olga just having fun at our expense?”

  Thought about it and what I knew about Olga. Olga liked the “old ways,” so there was a good chance she’d learned Cyrillic. After all, she’d have needed to know it, Romanian or not, since the KGB had likely used it. And I had to bet she missed the action.

  Took the leap. “She wants to come along.”

  “Excuse me?” Raj said.

  “I think Olga wants to come along with Adriana. And so she sent us a super-secret spy letter written in a language only she could translate. Meaning we need to ask her if we can come over to have her translate the letter she wrote. And then she’ll suggest, to make it easy for us, that she and Adriana come over here.”

  Len started to laugh. “What?” Jeff asked him.

  “I called Adriana while Kitty was in your bedroom. She said that her grandmother won’t let her come over right now. That has literally never happened before, and I know they aren’t mad at us for some reason. I think Kitty’s right. Shall I call back and share that we need translation services?”

  “Please and thank you. And, of course, offer for you and Kyle to help them over here when they insist that we shouldn’t go there.”

  Lizzie cocked her head. “Why wouldn’t Olga have just asked to go along? Why all the James Bond stuff?”

  “She likes to have her fun.”

  Chuckie stared at the paper. “Len, wait.”

  “Okay.” He stopped dialing. “Why?”

  “I don’t know if we’re right. Because Chernobog could translate this, too.” He looked at me. “So why was our first thought to call Olga?”

  “Because it’s not written in binary code.”

  Raj jerked. “What if this letter isn’t an elaborate ruse to get Olga over here, but, in fact, a message she expects us to give to Chernobog? And, if that’s the case, we’re not doing whatever it is Olga either expects or possibly needs us to do. And that could cause her, and us, problems.”

  CHAPTER 24

  WE ALL LOOKED at each other. “I hate it when Kitty’s right about things like this,” Jeff said. “And I’m learning to hate it when you’re right, too, Raj.”

  Len’s phone beeped. “Huh. Kitty, Adriana just sent me a text asking me if our new houseguest gave you her grandmother’s message. What do I tell her?”

  “Tell her yes, a few minutes ago. This means we’re behind schedule. We need to see what Chernobog can make of this letter.”

  “I’ll get her,” Raj said, then disappeared. Well, not really, but he went to hyperspeed and that was about the same thing.

  “I’m sorry I forgot about it until now,” Lizzie said, sounding miserable.

  “It’s okay,” Jeff said. “There was a lot going on, including you being left with total strangers.” He shot a strong look at Chuckie.

  Who sighed. “No one’s mad at you, Lizzie. And don’t beat yourself up.”

  “Should we go over to the Romanian embassy?” Kyle asked. “Especially if they don’t really want to come over here?”

  “No,” Chuckie said. “Not yet. Let’s see what Chernobog makes of this first. The fact that Adriana didn’t say anything about this before but wasn’t allowed to come over could mean that Olga fears we have non-friendly assassins on our street.”

  “Amazing how we can use the term ‘non-friendly assassins,’ isn’t it? But yeah, after all, Malcolm and the others are still out there searching for non-friendly assassins and such. Possibly searching with our friendly assassins, too. The less of us outside the better, I guess.”

  “Based on your foray earlier today, I’d say no one out is the way to go,” Chuckie mentioned. “And I think we should work under the assumption that Huntress is out there, lurking and waiting for us.”

  “It’ll be interesting to see if that’s what Olga’s telling us.” Then again, Huntress was old news, something we definitely knew about. Olga tended to prefer to give clues to the long game and about things we weren’t clear were coming.

  “Why can’t our allies make it easy on us, ever?” Jeff asked.

  “It would make life too calm?” Kyle suggested.

  “They want to ensure we stay on our toes?” was Len’s shot.

  “They think it’s funny to make you work for it?” Lizzie asked. Sadly, had a feeling her guess was the closest to the mark.

  There was a knock at our door. I went to open it to find Vance and four Field agents there. And a whole lot of Gucci luggage. “Wow, you do realize we’re going down to Florida for, probably, a couple of days? We’re not heading to the Himalayas and expecting to be gone for six months.”

  “I want to be prepared,” Vance replied, with almost no signs of embarrassment.

  “For what?” Jeff asked as he joined us and motioned for the agents to bring what looked like all of Vance’s belongings inside. “Moving in?”

  “I’ll never say no,” Vance said merrily.

  “Wouldn’t Guy miss you?” Could tell Jeff was waiting for him to suggest they both move in, in part because I could see Jeff’s lips forming the words “not just no, but hell no.”

  “Oh, eventually. He came home with some weird cold, though, so I’m happy to be nowhere near him. I don’t need to catch it.”

  “Yeah, we’ll run you through a contamination filter later.”

  Vance laughed. “Trust me, I didn’t get near his sniffling self. So, what room am I in?”

  Jeff grunted. “Farthest.” I was impressed that he didn’t say more than this, but got the impression he was both relieved and really controlling himself.

  “Fair enough.” The agents trotted off, presumably to drop off Vance’s luggage. He started to follow them, then Vance noticed Lizzie. “Oh, hi there. You must be Lizzie. I’m Vance.”

  She sort of shrugged. “Hey.”

  Vance shook his head. “I’d complain about the youth of today but I’m sure hanging out with all the old people isn’t your idea of fun. What’s your Poof’s name?”

  “Ah, um, Fofo. I just got him.”

  “They’re androgynous,” Vance shared. “But amazing. You’ll love it.”

  Everyone stared at him. “Excuse me?” Jeff said finally.

  Vance gave him an arch look. “I kind of think I should be offended right now.”
He made a soft, clucking sound. “Because it’s not like I don’t have one.”

  Sure enough, a Poof I recognized as an unattached one I hadn’t seen for a while crawled onto his shoulder. Well, a formerly unattached one. “So, that’s where you went,” I said, in part because I was thinking it and in other part because I wanted to distract Vance from the looks of utter shock on Jeff’s and Chuckie’s faces.

  Lizzie perked up, though. “How long have you had yours?”

  “Oh, gosh, a couple of years now.”

  “Really? Wow, what have I been doing?” I didn’t remember the Poof not being around for that long.

  “Oh, saving solar systems and having a second child,” Vance said. “Seriously, you didn’t realize I had Sophi all this time?”

  “Ah, no. Sophi?”

  “Short for Sophisticated. Which all the Poofs are, of course.”

  “Of course,” Jeff said weakly.

  “Does Guy have a Poof, too?”

  “Yep, his is named Dove. For you, honestly.”

  Amazing. Maybe everyone in the entire country had a Poof and I just didn’t know about it. Maybe the Poof Population Explosion was getting out of hand. On the other hand, this meant that Vance and Guy were indeed fully on our side. The idea that a variety of other people who’d started out as our enemies and were now our friends also had Poofs occurred to me. Decided to table the worry about this for later. We had so many other things to focus the worry on, after all.

  Realized Vance expected me to comment on Guy’s choice of Poof name. “Oh, how sweet.”

  “Fantastic,” Jeff said in a way that indicated it really wasn’t.

  Vance rolled his eyes. “He knows she’s off limits, Jeff. So, before you do your jealousy thing—which is always impressive, don’t get me wrong—do you want me to unpack or go over the list of names Lizzie has for us?”

  “Names,” Chuckie replied quickly. “Definitely the names.”

  “I thought so.”

  “You don’t need to unpack,” Jeff said quickly. “We’re going to Florida tomorrow.”

  Vance shot Jeff a “really?” look as he put his hand out and Chuckie put the list into it. Vance took a glance and gave a low whistle. “You’re at quite the school, aren’t you?” he asked Lizzie.