1 The Bitches of Everafter

by Barbra Annino

  Snow and Hansel both turned to find Aura driving a car that didn’t belong to her (or anyone in the house for that matter), Cindy sloshing liquor out the passenger window, and Punzie in the back seat—Bob perched on her shoulder—looking as if she was about to discard her lunch.

  Snow turned to Hansel and shrugged. “I guess my chariot awaits.”

  Hansel saluted her. “Good luck with that.”

  She felt him watching as she climbed into the back seat, and as Aura punched the pedal, Snow stole one last look out the review window as the four of them darted into the setting sun.

  There was a sadness in his eyes she’d not noticed before.

  37

  The Better To Keep You With

  It was bad enough that Judge Redhood was running out of time, but her employer had given her such a specific window to work with that the pressure was mounting. This obsession with time right down to the minute, not to mention numbers of all kinds, be it currency or characters, was like a thorn in the judge’s side and a royal pain in her ass. It made her job much more difficult, but she couldn’t very well argue about it. And, she supposed, she was only a dabbler when it came to magic. She could never cast a spell of this magnitude, of this duration. So perhaps for an expert spellmaster those kinds of precise measurements were important.

  The judge herself was not so meticulous. She thought life should be less rigid and free flowing. It was more interesting that way. Like when she was married to Robin. She never knew what her young groom would bring home after a night of pillaging. Although, now that she thought about it, Robin rarely let her keep the treasures he found, insisting they go to the less fortunate. Well, who could be less fortunate than a wife who didn’t have a maid or a sauna?

  She frowned as she thought about that last night with him. She had so wanted that locket she found in the mitten.

  “But, it’s engraved. Surely it’s a family heirloom. We can’t take a part of someone’s history,” he had told her “I must return it.” Then he left. So she shot him.

  She smiled at the thought of his words that night. Because now she had taken all of their histories. And if the curse held, she would have their futures as well.

  But she would need to tie up a few loose ends first.

  Judge Redhood splashed some cold water on her face in the bathroom and headed back into her secret lair. She checked her phone once more, furious that Tink hadn’t shown up or called today. Where was that girl? It had been hours. If Tink had done her job properly, the judge would have had more leverage. More bargaining power to present to her cohorts.

  She felt the anger bubble in her gut and decided to release it before stepping into the room. She tossed her phone on the ground and stomped it into bitty pieces.

  Beside her, Fang howled.

  She stroked his fur.

  “Shall we?” she asked.

  Fang snorted.

  Judge Redhood opened the door, preparing herself for round two of battle. She pulled up a scarlet velvet chair and lowered herself into it, taking a few deep breaths to calm her nerves. She stared at the woman across from her.

  “Now then. Are you ready to tell me what you’ve been up to?” the judge asked.

  “It’s colder than a witch’s wart wearing a flannel eye patch in here. Turn the blasted heat on!” Granny said.

  The judge pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. “I should lock you up for butchering the English language.”

  “I said I’m freezin’ me slippers off!”

  The judge rose so fast that the chair toppled over behind her, but Granny only scowled.

  “Oh you’re cold? I’m so sorry. Why don’t I make you more comfortable then?” She walked over to the fan standing in the corner of the room, aimed it at the old woman, and switched it on high.

  “Now then. I’m only going to ask you this one more time.” She inched closer, bent her head to Granny’s face. The old woman smelled of menthol and disappointment. “What were you doing at that flea market?”

  “I told ya! What’s the matter with you? Cat put crayons in your ears?” She rubbed her shoulders, pulled her crocheted sweater tighter around her bosom. “I got a big house with lots of rooms. Can’t have them running on empty.”

  The judge kicked the tufted chair Granny was perched in, but the wrinkled woman just stared at her. “Dammit, you old bat! Are you helping them? Tell me right now,” the judge demanded.

  Was there a way to reverse the curse somehow? Is that what Granny had been trying to do? And after all the judge had done for her.

  Granny said, “I’m hungry. You can’t keep a prisoner and not feed it groceries.”

  “I just fed you.” She looked at her watch. “Like an hour ago.”

  Granny spit on the floor in the vicinity of an untouched dinner tray. “Blech. Tasted like pond scum.”

  The judge balled up her fists. This was getting her nowhere. She had no idea what Granny had been up to all these weeks, maybe even months. It made her blood boil to think that she had trusted her. That was the last time, she vowed, that she would ever trust a woman. Especially one she was related to.

  Fang blew out a sigh behind her and an idea formed in the judge’s mind. If Granny wouldn’t willingly tell her what she had been doing behind her back, if she wouldn’t divulge what she knew about the state of the princesses and their memories, then she’d have to resort to more forceful tactics to extract it.

  The judge pivoted and walked to where Fang was lying on a suede sofa. She bent down and whispered in the wolf’s ear, keeping a close watch on her grandmother. The old woman squirmed a bit in her seat, but her face was still as stone.

  “I have to use the Johnny,” Granny said.

  Judge Redhood rose, smiled. “Of course.” Her voice dripped with venom. “But first, I think I’ll leave you alone with Fang for a moment.”

  Granny sat up straighter in her chair. “You wouldn’t do that.”

  “Try me.”

  Granny licked her lips and the two women glared at each other for a few moments. Then there was a knock at the door.

  Fang, Granny, and Judge Redhood all swung their heads toward the door.

  Granny spoke first. “I thought you said no one knows about this room.”

  “Shh!”

  No one did. The room was enchanted as well so that only the judge could open the door to come in or out. She crept toward the door and put her ear to it. There was another knock.

  She slowly twisted the knob.

  Granny said, “Wait! Don’t leave me alone with the wolf.”

  Judge Redhood looked back. “You had your chance.”

  “No!” Granny cried and Fang growled.

  She slipped out of the room and firmly closed the door behind her.

  The ensuing ruckus taking place behind the closed door might have captured the judge’s interest under other circumstances, but she was more concerned with what was in front of her.

  There, floating on the third floor above a painting of a dark forest, was Tink’s shadow.

  “What are you doing here? Where is Tink?” asked the judge.

  Despite the fact that Tink was also bespelled, her shadow and glitter were still present, although only visible to those who weren’t under the influence of the enchantment.

  The shadow slumped as if it had a trying day. It couldn’t communicate verbally with the judge. It could only make gestures, hear commands and reflect the emotions of its person. From the look of it, it seemed as if Tink was either sleepy or intoxicated.

  “That useless little insect. Is she out gallivanting around town when I specifically gave her an assignment?” She crossed her arms.

  The shadow tried to shrug, but it bumped into the wall and tumbled to the carpet.

  The judge leaned over it. “Stop fooling around. I’ll find you a nice jar so you can rest. You’ll need it after what I’m going to do to Tink.”

  The shadow pulled itself up just as the door banged and bulged from withi
n and something in the room crashed into a wall.

  For the smallest moment, the judge felt remorse. Then she remembered what Granny had done to her and extinguished it.

  She was smiling as she opened the door again, the shadow floating next to her. That smile fell when she saw Granny.

  The old woman had a tennis ball in her hand, her arm raised in the air. Fang was across the room, his backside sticking up, tail wagging. He barked. Actually barked like a puppy.

  The judge slammed the door. “Are you kidding me?”

  Granny tossed Fang the ball and said, “Doctor Bean helped me overcome that fear of wolverines.”

  Judge Redhood turned and banged her head on the door.

  Her secret phone rang. “Now what!”

  She unlocked the desk drawer and pulled it out. Lifted it to her ear. “Speak.”

  Just what she needed. A change in plans.

  38

  Four Bitches Step into a Car

  Snow sat in the backseat of the car she didn’t recognize, wondering what the hell was happening. Punzie seemed to be in a daze. Her braid was curled in her lap, and Bob was perched on her shoulder. She wore a trench coat and sunglasses, and every so often she tapped her bandaged foot. Bob made a ribbet sound at Snow, and she nodded at him.

  Aura maneuvered the car along the highway, her hand guiding the steering wheel effortlessly. Every once in a while the car gave her directions, and she glanced in her rearview mirror to turn or change lanes. Snow tried to catch her gaze. She wanted to know if Aura had managed to get Bella the book, but that seemed to be low on the priority scale at the moment.

  The tension in the vehicle was thick, cut only by Cindy’s occasional hiccups.

  “Um, Aura, where did you get this car?” Snow finally asked.

  “Stole it,” Aura said as she took a left turn and coasted the car up a steep hill toward a darkening sky.

  Thunder clapped in the distance, threatening a storm.

  “You what? Why?” This was so not good. Just because Granny wasn’t watching them didn’t mean Robin or Tink wasn’t. What was going on? Why would she risk getting arrested again when they were so close to the truth?

  “You want to take that one, Hot Pants?” Aura said. She turned the car again, then a third time and Snow was certain they were going in circles.

  Cindy said, “For fuck’s sake, Aura, enough with the roller coaster ride. Are you trying to make me hurl?”

  Aura snapped. “I’m trying to make sure we’re not being followed. Now lay off the tequila, Cindy, we need all hands on deck. And put those damn shoes on the floor.”

  Snow peered into the front seat to see Cindy’s shoe box perched in her lap. “Why are you carrying your shoes around?” A stolen car and stolen diamond-heeled slippers. Could these women make any more bad decisions?

  “No way, Aura. I know you’ve got your greedy eye on them. I’m not letting these babies out of my sight. You’ll need to pry them from my cold, dead hands.”

  “That can be arranged,” Aura said as she made yet another turn and headed up toward the canyon.

  “Will someone please tell me what’s going on?” Snow asked.

  Cindy craned her neck around to look at Snow. “Sure. Cupcake over here killed a guy.” She thumbed to Punzie

  Snow snapped her head to Punzie who finally seemed to wake up. She kicked the back of Cindy’s seat. Cindy made an “oof” sound and spilled some tequila.

  “Shut up, Cindy. You were there, you saw. He attacked me.”

  “How?” Snow asked.

  “That’s your question? How?” Aura said.

  Snow’s head was reeling. A moment ago, she was frantic because she was sitting in a stolen car with stolen merchandise thinking they’d all be facing court charges again. Now she feared they would never be free of Everafter.

  “What happened, Punzie?” Snow asked.

  Punzie said, “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just get this over with and never speak of it again.”

  Cindy scoffed. “Oh sure, that’ll be easy as pie.” She tried to snap her fingers, but they weren’t cooperating.

  “Aura, I demand to know where we’re going,” Snow said.

  Punzie and Cindy both looked at Snow as if she had just dug her own grave. Aura raised one brow and caught Snow’s eye in the rearview mirror.

  Snow was getting tired of playing meek, but she supposed now wasn’t the time to split hairs. “Please.”

  Aura sighed. “Apparently some guy came in as Punzie was wrapping up her set.”

  “To the jukebox. Goddamn DJ was in the back boinking the next act.”

  Aura rolled her eyes. “To the jukebox. Punzie was on stage, he grabbed her from behind and she head-butted him. He flew across the stage and smacked his head on a speaker.”

  “And it was lights out,” Cindy said.

  “But it was an accident,” said Snow. “You didn’t mean to hurt him. And you were defending yourself.”

  “I did mean to hurt him. Didn’t mean to kill him,” Punzie said. “And do you really think the judge would believe me? My only witness is a boozy blonde divorcée with a chip on her shoulder and a history of violence against men.”

  Cindy said, “Girl power!”

  Punzie shook her head and looked out the window at the passing mountains. “Redhood wouldn’t buy it. That woman would lock up her own grandmother if she had the chance.”

  Snow snapped to attention. She looked at Punzie. “What did you say?”

  “I said she’d never believe me.”

  “No, the other thing.”

  Bob hopped into Punzie’s lap and she tickled his nose. He cooed. “Oh, that she’d lock up her own grandmother? Wouldn’t put it past her.”

  Snow met Aura’s eyes in the mirror. Could Granny be Red Riding Hood’s grandmother? If that was the case, did she know it here in this land? And would she come looking for her?

  Then another thought hit Snow. “This man, was he the same man as before?” Snow asked. The writer couldn’t die. He couldn’t. Because where would that leave them? They might never find any answers.

  “No, I don’t think so. This guy had a beard and long hair. The other guy was bald.”

  Snow felt the slightest relief, but she was still mortified that now they were all accomplices to a man’s demise. And that someone had tried to hurt Punzie. Did it have anything to do with what was happening to them?

  “And Cindy? Why were you there?” Snow asked.

  Cindy buffed her nails. “I had nothing better to do, so I was there for the free booze. I was the only one, though. You must not be a hot ticket anymore with that bum foot.”

  Punzie sneered at Cindy’s back. “First of all, I could wear a garbage bag and I would still be the hottest ticket in town thanks to Destiny and Star.”

  “Who?” said Snow.

  Aura said, “She’s talking about her boobs.”

  Punzie said, “Second, the drinks are not free, moron. You have a tab as long as my braid,” Punzie said.

  Cindy frowned. “Really?”

  “Can we get back on track?” Snow said.

  Aura sighed. “Cindy helped wrapped the guy up in a rug, and then tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber over here called me to get rid of the evidence.” Cindy punched Aura in the arm as she took another turn. Aura slugged her back. “I certainly wasn’t going to load a stiff into my own car, so I borrowed this one and we hauled him into the trunk.”

  Snow felt like she was going to be sick. She squirmed at the thought of a dead man in the trunk of the car just behind her. She couldn’t wrap her brain around it. Couldn’t believe things had gone this far. Punzie was a princess. A queen actually, but none of them liked to use the term now that they’d united the kingdoms of Enchantment. She was a noble woman, a woman of substance and power, compassion and vigor. Now she had blood on her hands. It made Snow’s heart heavy.

  “So why did you pick me up?” Snow asked, but she knew the answer the moment Aura shot her a look thro
ugh the rearview mirror. Aura was probably going to insist Cindy touch the shoes, and she wanted Snow there when Cindy’s memory came back. They were all in this together. Especially now. Punzie’s crime was their shared crime.

  Cindy said, “In for a penny...” She looked out the window as she tried to recall the rest of that phrase. “Or something. I don’t know, I’ve never actually seen a penny.” She burped.

  Punzie said, “Why is this taking so long? We should have been there by now.”

  “Because, Mistress Manslaughter, I’m making sure we’re not being followed.”

  Punzie stuck her tongue out at Aura’s back.

  Cindy said, “I called Bella too. She knows. She’s supposed to meet us there.”

  Snow and Aura locked eyes. She knows? The blank look on Aura’s face didn’t give Snow any hints as to what had transpired between her and Bella.

  So was she back? Did she remember? More importantly, what were they going to do now?

  39

  Red, Red, Rose

  Being magically delinquent sucks. For one thing, you can’t bespell anyone to do your dirty work like slap the newspaper boy when he tosses the daily into the bushes, throw coffee into a barista’s face when she gets the order wrong, or kill Snow White. Judge Redhood paced the room, chewing on a fingernail, and tried to come up with a good candidate for a murder for hire plot.

  Giant Jerry might do it, but he’d be too conspicuous. Most people ran screaming in the other direction whenever they saw him walking down the street. Tink could probably be persuaded to do the job, loyal little sprite that she was, but the judge still had not heard word one from that girl. Her shadow was resting comfortably in a jar on the side table beneath a lamp. You would think she would have sensed it missing and come looking for it. Though perhaps not, since she wasn’t a complete version of her true self in this land. While the curse erased the memories of Enchantment, replacing them with memories of growing up in Everafter, people still retained the core of their being. Their nature, if you will. Which was why Robin Hood still believed in helping people and doing the ‘right’ thing. It was annoying.