by Sj Hooks
"I know you weren't talking about sex," she said quickly. "But please be with me this way now. I want you. I need you."
"I need you, too, my sweetheart," I told her. "Always."
Julia grabbed my hand and pulled me down on the bed. Her hands were everywhere all at once and her mouth was eager and hungry against mine. I tried to slow her down but she seemed almost desperate for me and reached to lead me to her before I’d had a chance to make sure that she was ready for me.
"Julia, Julia," I managed to say in between kisses. "Easy, sweetheart. We have time."
"You don't know that. Anything could happen. Please, I need you now. Fuck me, Stephen! Fuck me hard!"
I will do no such thing!
I grabbed her hands and held them tightly above her head. She let out a frustrated whine and moved her hips in an effort to get me inside her.
"Lay still," I said, putting some of my weight on her writhing body.
"Please, Stephen, please," she begged me. "I need you."
"I need you, too, but I don't want to—to fuck.”
"I don't know any other way," she whispered.
"Yes, you do. You know how to make love. With me you do."
She finally stilled her movements and I released her hands before cupping her face and kissing her gently. She let me control the kiss and kept her hands above her head.
"Touch me," I said, moving my mouth lower. I felt her hands in my hair and smiled against her skin.
"You know this, you know us," I whispered, placing open-mouthed kisses on her neck. I stroked, kissed, and licked her body all over, making sure that she was aroused before I moved up until we were nose to nose. She wrapped her legs around my waist and I looked deeply into her eyes as I pushed into her amazing warmth.
"Stephen," she said, sighing as she closed her eyes.
"Look at me," I whispered.
She opened her eyes again and I started moving in her, slow and deep. I leaned down and kissed her passionately, pouring everything I felt for her into the kiss.
"Feel me," I told her and caressed her face.
"I do," she moaned. "You feel so good."
"So do you, my sweetheart." I looked into her eyes again and held her gaze as I continued delivering slow, deep thrusts.
I love you, Julia. Please see it in my eyes.
"Oh God.” Her eyes darted away from mine.
"No, look at me. Stay with me.”
"Stephen." Her voice cracked with emotion. "What's happening?"
"We're making love.”
Her eyes welled up and she gripped my shoulders.
"I'm…scared.”
I stilled my movements and wiped her tears away.
"Don't be afraid," I whispered. "I will never hurt you. I will never stop wanting you. You are my girlfriend, my sweetheart, my Julia."
She drew a ragged breath and mimicked me, holding my face between her hands.
"You mean that." It wasn't a question. She knew I was being truthful.
"Let me show you," I said. "Let me make love with you."
And we did. We were slow and deliberate. Every touch, every kiss had more meaning now. When Julia threw her head back in ecstasy, I wrapped my arms around her, finally surrendering to my own desire. I lost myself in the sensation as I loved her with my body and my soul.
"Oh God. I'm yours…always," I gasped.
I came with an intensity that made me shiver as Julia threw her arms around my neck, holding me tightly.
"I'm yours, too," she whispered breathlessly.
I put my forehead against hers as we both tried to catch our breath. I felt so connected to her at that moment and suddenly my heart clenched with fear.
What if I lose her?
I had fallen head over heels for a girl who was fearless in all areas of life, except when it came to love. She was so easily spooked and I was scared to death that one day I wouldn't wake up in time to stop her from leaving me. Julia had said that she loved me, but she was so afraid of her feelings that I didn't know if that meant something in the long run. If she ever left me my heart would break into a million pieces and I would never be the same again.
I had never felt so strongly about anyone or anything and the sheer intensity of my emotions forced a broken sob out of me as I buried my face in her neck.
"Stephen?"
I couldn't answer her. I was so embarrassed at the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat. I didn't want her to think of me as weak, but I was afraid of being without her now that I had finally found her. What if she met someone else? Someone younger who knew all the bands on her T-shirts and who was gifted in ways of making love to her that I wouldn't ever be familiar with?
Please don't let me lose her!
Another ugly sob escaped as I trembled against her. I couldn't remember the last time I had cried, it had been years, but now it seemed that my body needed that release even more than the one I’d gotten just moments earlier.
"Stephen, baby. What's wrong?" Julia asked, gently massaging my scalp with her fingertips.
"I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I can't…lose you.”
"I'm right here," she whispered. "I'm right here."
"Don't ever leave me," I whimpered.
"I won't, I swear. Don't you leave me either."
"Never.”
I had calmed down at least marginally and I lifted my head to look at her. Her eyes widened in wonder and she brought her hand up to my face to brush away my tears.
"I'm sorry," I whispered and looked away, feeling embarrassed. "I, uh, I don’t usually cry."
"I don't either," she confessed. "I think you've seen me cry more than anyone. Except maybe my parents when I was a kid."
"I didn't mean to," I said, still looking away. "I couldn't help it."
"What brought this on?" she asked, shifting her legs, which were still wrapped around me.
I remembered that I was still inside her and before I pulled out, I made her lower her legs to a more comfortable position. Resting my head between her breasts, I closed my eyes when she stroked my hair again. Even now, I didn't feel close enough to her and I managed to get my hands underneath her shoulders to hold her even tighter.
"I get scared, too," I whispered.
As the words left my mouth, I realized that our reactions to the fear of losing the other were at the opposite ends of the spectrum. Where Julia's instincts were telling her to run away to protect herself, mine made me cling to her like a frightened child.
"What scares you?" she asked.
"That you'll leave like you almost did this morning," I admitted. "I was terrified."
"I'm so sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have done that."
"You won't do it again, will you?" I asked.
"No," she whispered. I lifted my head and she smiled at me.
"So we're in agreement?" I asked. "No one is leaving?"
"Agreed." She smiled wider.
I moved up and captured her lips in a searing kiss.
"Remember the first time we did this?" she asked.
I assumed that the question was rhetorical. It hadn't been that long since our first sexual encounter and the experience had been life-altering for me. I would remember it forever. "Of course."
"What were you thinking during?"
"I think I was so excited and shocked at the time that I could hardly form a coherent thought," I admitted. "I do remember how much I loved it when you came. What were you thinking?"
"I couldn't believe someone as hot as you could be so inexperienced. And then you were so good at it."
"I was? Even the first time?"
"So good," she said. "I knew I wanted to be with you again after that first night."
I smiled, moving to lie on my side next to her, watching her as she talked.
"I could see that you were nervous but you wanted it as much as I did,” she continued. “You were amazing, baby. I was so happy when you said you wanted to keep seeing me outside of school."
"You were?" I asked. "It made yo
u happy?"
"Mmm," she said, rolling onto her side to face me. "Touch me."
I complied eagerly, brushing her wet hair off her shoulder. I still found it amazing that I had this beautiful naked woman in my bed, and that I got to touch her. My eyes followed my hand as I used my fingertips to caress her damp skin.
"That feels good," she sighed. "You have amazing hands."
"You have amazing everything," I told her sincerely. "You're perfect."
She let out a laugh. "Hardly.”
I leaned over, kissing her lips.
"You are perfect to me," I whispered. "Perfect for me."
I continued my gentle exploration of her body, reaching around to touch her backside. I really enjoyed doing that.
"How do you always know what to say?" she asked. "If I didn't know any better, I’d think you had been in a lot of relationships."
"I don't know," I said with a shrug, cupping her breast. "I just say what it feels like for me when I'm with you, or when I'm thinking about you. You're all that I could ever want."
"How can you be so sure?" she asked, sounding a little anxious. "You haven't been with a lot of women. Guys want to…fuck, I don't know. Spread it around."
What on earth is she talking about? Not all guys are like that.
"I don't want that," I said immediately.
She didn't look convinced.
Is she worried I'll stray?
"Julia, listen to me," I said and made her look into my eyes. "I only want you. I would never betray you and cheat on you. I can't ever hurt you like that. The thought is completely foreign to me." I kissed her again.
"I finally found you," I whispered. "Why would I ever want to do something so stupid and risk losing you?"
Julia looked away and drew a shaky breath.
"You wouldn't be the first," she whispered.
I wouldn't be the first? What does she mean? The first to do what? We're talking about guys who cheat… Oh my God. Of course!
It made perfect sense. Julia's ex had been unfaithful and as a result she avoided relationships like the plague.
"Your ex?" I asked gently. "The, uh, asshole?"
She nodded and sniffed a little. I removed my hand from her breast and draped my arm around her instead, drawing her close to me.
"Sweetheart," I said, stroking her hair. "I will never do that to you. I swear to God, I will never hurt you."
She looked up at me.
"I believe you," she said softly. "I know you wouldn't do that to me."
"I wouldn't," I assured her. "Not in a million years. Not if Rita Hayworth or Vivien Leigh showed up on my doorstep naked."
"They're dead, Stephen," she chuckled. "It's a pretty unlikely scenario."
"Maybe they got hold of a time machine," I said, being completely ridiculous.
"And why are they naked?" she asked with a grin.
"Sadly, their clothes didn't make it here in the time travel because they were so outdated that it would have messed up the time-space continuum.”
Julia threw her head back and laughed. It made my heart soar to know that I had caused it and that I could draw her out of her sad thoughts.
"You are such a geek," she laughed, climbing up to lie on top of me. "My sexy, geeky boyfriend."
"If I'm a geek, when what are you?" I asked with a smile.
"I don't know," she asked coyly. "What am I?"
I kissed her lips.
"You are smart." Kiss. "Beautiful." Kiss. "Incredibly sexy." Kiss. "Funny and adventurous." I lay my head back down, gazing at her.
"And I'll never know how I got this lucky."
“Me neither,” she sighed, snuggling against me.
I wrapped my arms around her again and closed my eyes. This was perfection right here: lying in bed with the woman I loved, who, miraculously, loved me in return. What were the odds?
* * *
We emerged from the bedroom half an hour later, both completely starved after a morning of revelations and lovemaking. I went to the kitchen, while Julia went back into the shower to fix her partially dried and now extremely tangled hair.
"Are you coming to class today?" I asked over breakfast.
She shook her head slowly but didn't elaborate.
"Um, why not?"
"I just…I can't pretend, you know?" she said.
"Pretend?"
"That I'm just your student," she clarified. "When we were just fucking it wasn't a problem, but we're more now, right?"
I nodded immediately. We were so much more.
"I'm just scared that everyone will know if they see us talking or something like that," she said. "We shouldn't risk it." She hesitated for a moment. “I, uh, was actually thinking of not taking the final exam for your class. And taking Professor Barrie’s class instead, maybe next year.”
Brian had suggested the same thing, and while I agreed it was a good idea, it still made me regret impeding Julia’s academic progress.
“I’m sorry,” I lamented. “That will put you behind, won’t it?”
“Not really. I’ve taken a full course load until now, so one light semester won’t change anything.”
“Even so…”
“It’s better, I think. I don’t want to risk what we have, you know? Risk anyone finding out before it’s safe. And if someone starts asking questions later on, there won’t be anything to indicate that you may have given me a better grade or something like that.”
I couldn't help but nod and agree with her. And yet part of me wanted nothing more than to shout it from the rooftops, damn the consequences.
Look, men of the world: This amazing woman is my girlfriend. She is all mine and you can't have her! Na-na-na-na-na! She even said she loves me! I made love with her this morning plus mind-blowing oral sex in the shower! Who's jealous of me? Just as I thought. Everyone!
I couldn't stop myself from smiling a little at my own strange thoughts. I sounded like a Neanderthal referring to Julia as mine in such a way. And yet even the modern man in me liked the sound of that, although I had always been something of a feminist, supporting women's rights.
It was a strange predicament. On one hand, I loved Julia's independence and free spirit because they were so different from anyone else’s I had ever met, but I also relished the fact that she needed me to take care of her. I rested my chin in my hand and gazed at her while she ate, my own food forgotten. She was so lovely and I couldn't believe that she was my girlfriend. She glanced up at me and snorted with laughter.
"What is it?”
"You!" she exclaimed. "There is no way that you looking at me like that would go by unnoticed in class. I think it's a wise decision for me to stay here today."
"How was I looking at you?"
I wasn’t thinking about anything sexual.
"Oh, um, you…err, just forget it.”
I was stumped. I rarely saw Julia shy and hesitant. I looked at her more closely, grinning at my discovery.
"Are you blushing?"
"No!" She lowered her head, focusing on her plate. "Just leave it alone," she growled across from me.
I couldn't help myself. Laughter bubbled up inside me and I didn't know how to hold it back. Julia raised her head and her eyes shot daggers at me.
"I'm sorry," I gasped.
She scowled at me, gave me the finger, and stood up to clear her plate away. I followed her into the kitchen and wrapped my arms around her from behind.
"I'm sorry," I said again, leaning down to kiss her neck. "I didn't mean to laugh at you. I just never thought I would see you blush."
As far as I knew, Julia wasn't shy about anything, and blushing seemed so out of character for her.
"Yeah, neither did I," she mumbled. "I haven't done that in years. What the hell are you doing to me, Stephen?"
"I don't know," I murmured. "But I think you do it to me, too. I'm different now than when we met, aren't I?"
"Only in some ways," she said softly. "Mostly when it comes to sex."
> I rested my chin on her shoulder and held her a little tighter.
"Other than that, you're still a huge nerd," she added, poking my ribs with her elbow.
I smiled. "I'll always be like that."
"Good," she whispered and wrapped her arms around mine.
"In what way was I looking at you before?" I asked, hoping that she would tell me now that I couldn't see her face.
I felt her take a deep breath. "You looked at me like you…uh, like you…"
Like I love you.
She didn’t finish the sentence and I didn't push her. There had been far too many tears this morning and I didn't want this whole day to be about crying. It was the day of my final class as Julia's teacher even though she wouldn’t be there, and after today, nothing would stop me from showing the world how I felt about her.
Julia cleared her throat. "You looked at me like you…" she started again.
"I do," I simply whispered in her ear. "With all my heart, Julia."
She turned to face me. I didn't need her to say the actual words. Her eyes spoke volumes as she gazed up at me. I caressed her cheek and smiled before I leaned down to kiss her. When I pulled back her eyes were welling up again.
"No more tears, sweetheart," I whispered. "I want you to be happy."
"I’m ridiculously happy," she sniffed. "That's why I'm acting like a fucking crybaby all of a sudden." She wiped her eyes and I couldn't stop myself from laughing a little.
"So you're saying that I should get used to you crying?"
"Crying, blushing, the whole shebang," she mumbled. "Apparently, I'm a girly-girl now and you only have yourself to blame, Stephen."
I laughed again and hugged her to me.
"But if I start wearing pink frilly stuff you need to pick a fight with me. No one should be that happy.”
"Got it. No pink." I nodded with a grin. "Although," I added, "I do love your pink parts."
Her mouth fell open. Then she laughed.
"Dirty old man,” she teased, standing up on her toes to kiss me. "What happened to the insecure, nervous professor I seduced?"
"He's happy and not scared of sex anymore," I answered promptly. "And he wants to please his beautiful girlfriend more than anything."
“You do please me,” she said, gasping as my hands crept underneath her skirt to pull down her underwear.
Sitting her up on the kitchen counter, I dropped to my knees, grinning like a loon. Now, I finally understood what she had said the very first night we’d been together: sex was fun.
