The Amoral Hero

by Logan Jacobs

  “What do you mean by that?” I asked warily. I already liked the twins. I liked them a lot. But I had no intention of hanging around in a place like Dunville just to court a pretty girl. Or even two of them.

  “She means that the West is a dangerous place for comely and unchaperoned young ladies such as ourselves,” Katrina said, “and that we are sorely in need of a protector.”

  “A protector from what, exactly?” I asked. “Guys like Ermenildo Zabala?”

  “Exactly,” Janina said. Both girls had drunk as much wine as I had by this point, and their cheeks were slightly flushed and their blue-green eyes had acquired an even more devilish glitter. “He was a test of your fabled abilities. Frontiersmen have a positive addiction to tall tales, you know, so we couldn’t be sure that half the things we’ve heard about you were true. We still can’t be sure. But if Zabala was any indication, then we are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.”

  “So, you have another job for me, a more important job,” I deduced. “What is it? Who do you want dead?”

  “My, my, if only all gentlemen could be so readily agreeable,” Katrina cooed as she toyed with the ruby pendant around her neck.

  “It’s not quite that simple, good sir,” Janina told me. “It’s not a matter of somebody we want dead. It’s a matter of somebodies we don’t want dead. Ourselves.”

  “I am afraid my legendary abilities as a sellsword do not extend to conquering Death himself,” I remarked dryly. “Although I do know a certain sorceress with a particular interest in that subject.”

  “I’m referring to the near future,” Janina said. “The next ten days, to be specific. A time frame well within our natural lifespans.”

  “And what unnatural threats to your lives, exactly, do you expect to face within the next ten days?” I asked specifically.

  “Any number of threats,” Katrina said. “Bandits and murderers and worse. Heat exhaustion. Dehydration. Coyotes. Rattlesnakes. Scorpions.”

  “We wish to travel to a poker tournament three days’ ride from here,” Janina explained. “And then we wish to travel back. In one piece each.”

  “And you expect me to protect you this whole time?” I asked.

  “Exactly,” Katrina said. “To ensure that no matter what happens, not a hair on either of our heads is harmed.”

  Out West, that was no small thing to guarantee to anyone. But these particularly scheming blonde beauties seemed like a recipe for trouble.

  “You’d have to be God Himself to promise a thing like that,” I pointed out. “What if one of you was struck by lightning? Through no fault of my own, I’d have broken the terms of my contract. And in all my career that is something that I never have done, and never will do.”

  “Well, that’s why we want to hire you,” Katrina said. “Because of your unimpeachable record of integrity.”

  “So you understand why I must decline this proposal,” I said. “In the interest of maintaining said record.”

  “That isn’t necessary at all, we’ll just clarify the terms,” Janina said. “You are responsible for protecting us to the utmost of your abilities against any and all threats that may arise for the next ten days, whether it be human or a natural catastrophe. Against lightning, for instance, as you say-- well, you would have to do your best to find us shelter in the event of a thunderstorm. But if there wasn’t any for miles, then we would just have to take our chances. If there was a flood? You’d have to procure a boat or build a raft. And so on and so forth. If one of us fell ill, you’d have to try to nurse us, but you’d still receive your payment in full if we happened to die. Your payment would not depend on our survival. It would depend on what you had done, or failed to do, to contribute to said survival.”

  “Hmm,” I said. “And if you were attacked by an entire tribe of Savajuns? A hundred barbarian warriors? And I was the one who died, while defending you?”

  “You’d still be entitled to your payment, of course,” Katrina replied solemnly. “If we survived this unfortunate incident, then we would bequeath it to your heir.”

  “Theo, I suppose,” I muttered.

  “Theo?” Katrina asked curiously.

  “Never you mind,” I said. They’d meet him soon enough. As a pair anyway, since he’d already sort of met Janina by the poster. And I just knew he’d have opinions aplenty about the twins, even more opinions than I had.

  “So, will you do it?” Janina asked eagerly.

  “Well, we’ll see about that,” I said. “I have a couple of important conditions that you must agree to.”

  “Name them,” Katrina said.

  “First of all, if I am to be your wilderness guide as well as your protector from hostile humans,” I said, “you must promise to obey any instructions that I issue in regards to your safety. If you fail to obey my instructions, and are harmed as a consequence, I am not liable, and it will not affect my payment.”

  The twins looked at each other and nodded after a moment.

  “Fair enough,” Katrina said. “What else?”

  “And secondly, you strike me as a couple of girls who… don’t show all your cards at once, so to speak,” I said. “And might even have a card or two up their sleeves.”

  “Why, we’re as innocent and honest as they come,” Janina giggled, which made her dimples show prettily. She really did appear in that moment as innocent as a girl could be.

  But every moment I spent in the twins’ presence, I’d have to keep reminding myself not to be deceived by their angelic appearances. And not to be distracted by their luscious curves or their flirtatious mannerisms.

  “I respect that well enough,” I continued, and ignored her last comment. “A man’s business is his own. A woman’s business is her own. As long as it isn’t interfering with anyone else’s business. So I won’t demand to know anything that you do not choose to confide in me. However, if you withhold pertinent information from me, or intentionally mislead me in any way, and that causes me to be less prepared than I might have been for any threat that we encounter, I am not responsible for any harm that you may suffer as a consequence.”

  The twins’ hesitation was markedly more prolonged that time. I noticed Janina place her hand over Katrina’s that time. I wondered if it was a gesture of reassurance of some kind. Or if they had simply never outgrown the somewhat childlike habit of constantly holding each other’s hands. After all, twins often shared a more than ordinary sibling closeness.

  “In the event that we should… neglect to mention some certain detail that unfortunately proves relevant later,” Janina said carefully, “it will not negate the contract. You will still be obligated to protect us to the utmost of your abilities, regardless of how the situation may evolve. However, allowance will be made for the disadvantage in which we have unintentionally placed you. If it proves too great to overcome, then you will be entitled to the full payment, nonetheless.”

  “Agreed,” I said.

  “Anything else?” Katrina asked sweetly.

  “Well, I will require a lot of money for a job like this,” I said. “Quite a lot of money.”

  “How much?” Katrina asked.

  “A thousand gold pieces,” I said as I stared her straight in the eye. It was an outrageous sum. A greater sum than I had ever received for any single job, excepting the spoils that I had pillaged from the sorcerer Gorander’s castle recently, which had been a bit of a unique situation. But I wasn’t ashamed of asking for it, even though I knew it would be whittled down through the bargaining process. Because the girls’ proposal was entirely unreasonable. It was far too open-ended and entailed responsibility for countless factors that were hardly within my control.

  Then, Janina said the single most ominous word that either of them had uttered throughout the entire dinner.

  “Done,” she asserted.

  My heart dropped to my boots.

  Shit. Their easy agreement meant that they knew they were getting a deal at a thousand coins.

&n
bsp; Janina smiled, batted her long lashes over those turquoise eyes of hers, and reached out her hand to shake. I had no choice left. I took her hand and shook it. Then Katrina extended her identically slim white hand, and I shook that as well.

  “A toast,” Janina proclaimed as she raised her wine glass, “to our valiant and handsome new protector.”

  The three of us clinked glasses, and I wondered what the hell I had just gotten myself into as I drank deep from the glass.

  Chapter Three

  The Elliott twins-- if that was even their actual surname-- provided me with a nicely furnished guest bedroom and informed me that we would be setting out after breakfast the next day. My ten-day contract would begin the moment we stepped foot outside the door.

  After Janina and Katrina had retired to their own bedrooms, I didn’t immediately go to the one they had pointed out to me. Instead, I slipped outside and found my way to the stables.

  Theo was still standing up, a giant black shadow that practically filled up the stall, but I could hear him snoring faintly.

  As I approached, one of his large black eyes winked open and then the other which created twin gleams in the darkness.

  “So?” he inquired. “That was a long dinner. It’s nearly midnight, you know.”

  “The sponsors were generous hosts,” I replied as I pulled out a wedge of apple cake that I’d brought in my pocket.

  “Are we going to the inn now?” Theo asked. Then he lowered his face and started gobbling the cake up out of my palm.

  The snuffling movements of his bristled lips tickled my palm, and I reached up with my other hand to scratch him on the nose. He’d never admit that he liked it, but he did.

  “No, we’re staying here for the night,” I replied.

  “Well, I suppose it is only courteous of them to offer, after keeping you for so long,” Theo said. “These sponsors. Who are they? A married couple?”

  “Siblings,” I replied.

  “Brothers?” Theo asked. “Sisters? Young? Old? And what did ole Ermie do to get on their bad side?”

  “Sisters, young ones,” I answered. “And… nothing in particular. He didn’t really mean anything to them. They were kind of just using him as… bait, I’d say.”

  “A pair of young sisters?” A suspicious tone entered Theo’s voice. “Pretty ones or ugly ones?”

  “By your standards or mine?” I asked. Theo actually had a bit of a hard time distinguishing which women were generally considered to be attractive by human standards. He could tell their ages accurately enough, and whether they were thin or fat or well-muscled, pale or dark, and so on and so forth. However, he tended to favor facial features such as long, bony faces, large, round eyes, flaring nostrils, and long teeth with too much exposed gums.

  “Yours,” Theo said, even more suspiciously.

  “Well, they’re not, ah, bad to look at,” I mumbled.

  “So that’s what took you so long in there,” Theo huffed. “Have you seduced either of them yet? Or are you still in the process of trying?”

  “What took me so long was a discussion of business matters with the young ladies in question,” I informed him indignantly.

  “You can call it whatever you like,” Theo retorted. The last remaining crumbs of apple cake sprayed out of his mouth as he spoke.

  “I’ll have you know that I have secured us an extremely lucrative contract,” I told him. “So you can stop looking at me sidelong like that.”

  “How lucrative?” Theo demanded.

  “Guess,” I said.

  “Two hundred gold pieces?” He started with double the reward on Zabala’s head.

  “More than that,” I said smugly.

  “Four hundred.”

  “My dear horse, you vastly underestimate your lord and master.”

  “Eight hundred?” A note of disbelief crept into Theo’s voice.

  I didn’t say a word, just raised my eyebrows and smiled to invite him to keep going.

  “Nine hundred?” He sounded intimidated by the mere thought of such a sum now.

  Again I raised my eyebrows and smiled.

  “A thousand?” Horses didn’t really gasp, even horses of the talking variety, but that was about as close as Theo ever came to it.

  “Damn right,” I said.

  “But… how… what the hell do they want you to do for it?” Theo asked. His expression quickly changed from one of awe to one of sincere concern. “Invade a small nation? Bring law and order to the entire West? Pledge ten years of indentured servitude?”

  “Well, the last one’s not far off the mark, in concept anyway,” I said. “But it’s only ten days.”

  “… Of indentured servitude?”

  “More or less,” I admitted. “But no cooking or cleaning or menial labor. I am simply to be their full-time guardian and protector.”

  “From what?” Theo hissed. “Fire-breathing dragons?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, dragons don’t exist,” I said.

  “That’s what I thought too, but that creature in Gorander’s arena sure reminded me a hell of a lot of one,” Theo pointed out. It had been some kind of monstrous reptilian hybrid created through sorcery and required my and Vera’s combined powers to bring it down.

  “Well, if any dragons show up, then, yes, I suppose so,” I said with a shrug. “But there’s no reason to anticipate that. The twins just want an escort to a town a few days’ ride from here so they can participate in a poker tournament and then be escorted back. They want someone who knows how to survive in the desert, and I reckon that if they’re successful at the card table, they probably want protection from any sore losers who might get it in their heads to claim the prize money in a different way. That’s a big problem with these high stakes games that draw an elite crowd from fifty miles around. As often as not, the winner seems to end up dead in a ditch with an empty purse after all.”

  “How did these girls get all that money to pay you with, anyway?” Theo inquired. “It can’t have been from playing poker.”

  “It could have been,” I said. “They seem to be clever girls, and at least one of them has some sort of subtle magic trick that I haven’t quite figured out yet, that might be of use at the card table. But who knows? Maybe they’re heiresses. Anyway, you can tell from the house and the way they decorate it, and the way they dress, and the coin that’s already in your saddlebags, that they’ve got the money, and that’s all I really give a damn about.”

  “Well, O Wise Master, if you believe these to be honest women of impeccable character without any nasty surprises in store for us, who am I to doubt them?” Theo inquired sarcastically.

  “I didn’t say that,” I said. “But they do have the money. And you don’t doubt my ability to claim every cent of the sum they will owe me, do you?”

  “Whatever you say, but I’ll be glad when the ten days is over,” Theo declared.

  “The ten days haven’t even started yet,” I pointed out. “I hope you don’t intend to be rude to our clients.”

  Theo merely snorted at that.

  I gave him the pear tart from my other pocket. Then I bid him goodnight and returned to the house, to my guest bedroom, and despite my own misgivings about my decision to accept this contract, I slept soundly until dawn.

  At breakfast, the twins’ slightly wine-flushed and disheveled appearance from the night before had vanished. Their hair was perfectly curled and pinned in elaborate chignons, their identical faces fresh and dewy. Katrina was wearing a mint green gown that was a bit overly frilly for my taste, and Janina was wearing a pale blue one with an extremely low-cut neckline that did not offend my sensibilities in the least. Neither of them wore any jewelry. That was a sensible precaution to take when traveling, but they didn’t seem to have considered the fact that their clothing wasn’t exactly humble and inconspicuous enough for the lack of jewelry to make any difference in the way potential thieves would perceive them.

  Breakfast consisted of flaky, buttery Gallioqu
e pastries and fruit marmalades including apricot and marionberry. I really didn’t know how the twins maintained their figures, if this was their usual fare.

  As we ate, we pored over a map of the area, and reviewed the route that we had agreed upon the previous night to get to the town of Sunderly where the poker tournament was being held, with several stops in other towns along the way.

  “What a lovely adventure this will be,” Katrina exclaimed happily.

  “I intend for it to be a pleasant but uneventful experience,” I said pointedly.

  The twins looked at each other and broke out in giggles in unison. They had a habit of doing that.

  Then, I noticed their manservant, the fellow who had opened the door for me the night before and appeared to be wearing the same pale gray suit or another that looked exactly like it, starting to make trips down the hall from the girls’ bedrooms to the front door, each time carrying another piece of luggage.

  “Ahem,” I said. “How many suitcases, exactly, do you two deem necessary for a mere ten-day trip?”

  “Ten days is a dreadfully long time!” Katrina protested with wide, shocked eyes. “We must have traveling gowns, and traveling jackets, and dinner gowns for each day, and all our undergarments… and of course, that’s to say nothing of our hats!”

  “Well, you know,” I pointed out, “some people wear the same clothes more than once, all within a ten-day span.”

  “Oh, yes, to be sure, some people do,” Janina conceded scornfully, “but not anybody civilized.”

  I cleared my throat and looked down pointedly at the same well-worn, unassuming dark shirt, pants, and jacket that I’d been wearing for about as long as I could remember.

  “Exactly!” Janina said triumphantly. “It would never do to hire somebody civilized as our guard. We needed a ruthless killer and nothing less would do.”

  “But that doesn’t mean we want to go around looking like ruthless killers ourselves,” Katrina added with a pout.

  “I’m not so sure that a lack of fashionableness correlates all that strongly with homicidal tendencies,” I said dryly.