The Way Down

by Alexandria Hunt

  “You want to talk about it?” he asked, setting the box down on her night stand.

  “Not yet, I will, I promise, but not yet,” she assured him. “Right now I want to curl up on my single bed, under my crocheted pink bedspread, and sleep until I can’t remember my name.”

  He reached out and touched her shoulder as a gesture of kindness, but he was standing, towering over her, and she flinched, jerked back away from his touch. Her eyes darted up to his and saw that knowing look back on his face.

  “Whenever you’re ready,” he said simply. “I’m here for you.” He turned to leave, pausing at the door to add, “I’m really glad you’re back.” He flashed his killer smile, she had to smile back, and he was gone.

  Chapter 2

  Abbey walked back to the farmhouse with an ice cream bucket full of eggs. Her father had a million plastic buckets stashed around the place just for things like this. It wasn’t exactly the picture you have in your mind when somebody mentions something as wholesome and old fashioned as collecting fresh eggs direct from the coop. Her hair was tangled and messy, her eyes were swollen from crying all night and lack of sleep, and she had on an old pair of faded jeans with an oversize Mac jacket. She looked like a lumberjack crossed with a hobo, no Rebecca of Sunnybrook here.

  The kids weren’t up yet, her dad was already gone, disappeared into some field on his vast acreage to harvest crops or move cattle no doubt. She dug around the freezer and found a brown paper wrapped pack of farm cured bacon, pulled it out to thaw and started peeling some potatoes for hash browns.

  She was craving a big, greasy breakfast. Something that would sit like a brick in her stomach and help her feel anchored to the earth, to this place. When she had been with Tom, her nerves prevented her from eating that often. She usually grabbed snatches of food throughout the day, he was obsessed with her not becoming a “fatass” so he watched her food intake like a hawk.

  At first, in the early days, she had been flattered that he’d been so protective of her health and attracted to her body as it was. Children, time and lack of exercise (he never wanted her in a gym, too many men around) had taken their toll on her body though, and of course she’d lost her young, supple curves. It offended her now, that he couldn’t embrace the changes and recognize that he contributed to most of them. It was just one bullet point on a long laundry list of things that were finally offending her, but at least this one she could fix with a gigantic breakfast.

  She also wanted to feed the kids. Food was a fix in her family growing up, and on some level it worked. She wanted them to appreciate the farm and see this as part of a big adventure.

  She peeled the brown paper wrapping off the frozen bacon, ran it under warm water long enough to slice off some thick pieces and tossed them into the frying pan. She wrapped it back up and put it back in the freezer. She realized the package was labeled “Porky”, her dad still had a sense of humour and obviously this was a pig he had raised and butchered himself.

  Soon the smell of frying meat filled the kitchen and her stomach started to growl. She hadn’t really eaten a full meal in years, she could feel her mouth water as she watched it fry.

  After that, she tossed the potatoes into the bacon grease. She snatched a couple of hot pieces as she watched them cook, and then added eggs to the pan after they were done. The smells were heavenly and soon both kids were awake and demanding breakfast.

  They sat around the thick oak table, the one from her childhood and passed through so many generations of her family that along the way they lost count. She ate like a starving man, shoving food in her face, only pausing to sip the thick black coffee her father had left on the stove. She imagined a beam of light from heaven and a choir of angels as she ate, laughing at the image. Plain, simple food meaning so much more, a symbol of personal freedom and connection to her family.

  “What are you laughing at?” Zach asked, wiping bacon grease off his chin.

  “I am laughing because I think this is the best meal I’ve ever had,” she said, smiling at him and his sister.

  “It’s good, but come on, you let us have two burgers last night at McDonald’s!” he exclaimed. “Now that was a good meal!”

  Tom had forbidden McDonalds, or any kind of fast food. The kids had looked like they were experiencing their own choir of angels moment last night when she let them order a second round.

  “Mom, we lost my Ariel,” Sophie interjected. “I love her, and I don’t know where she is now.” She had gotten her first Happy Meal toy last night, a princess Ariel figure, most likely left behind in the truck.

  “Don’t worry sweetie, I’m sure she’s safe and sound in the truck, we’ll get her soon,” she reassured her. After everything that had happened since yesterday, her toy was her big concern. Kids were amazing in their adaptability.

  “But what if somebody stole her?” Sophie whined and crumpled her face like she was going to cry.

  “Don’t be such a stupid little bitch!” Zach told her, his face twisted in a sneer as he struck his sister. Abbey felt like somebody punched her stomach. How could she have not seen how much he’d been learning from Tom? Had she really been so blind?

  “We don’t talk like that in this house young man,” Abbey’s father said from behind her. “In fact, we don’t ever talk like that, ever, anywhere.” His voice was low and careful, but it was obvious that he meant business. The great thing about her Dad was that he could convey this without physical threat or exploding in anger.

  “My dad says a real man doesn’t put up with any shit,” Zach snapped back.

  “A real man doesn’t put up with shit, but he doesn’t do it with his fists or his words, he does it with his actions. A real man gets angry and uses that anger to be productive. Don’t hit your sister or call her names. Your words are as powerful as your fists, son, but they hurt her for longer. If you’re mad, go shovel some horse shit or fix some fence and talk about it when you cool off.

  “But she was being annoying, it made me mad,” Zach replied, the wind going out of his sails though.

  “I understand and that’s going to happen, but nothing can make you react. That’s all on you, and no real man should ever solve his problems with violence or release his anger at the end of his fists, you got that?” her dad insisted.

  Zach looked like he was going to protest, he opened his mouth, then shut it in an angry line. He looked at Abbey as though expecting her to back him up, realized she wasn’t going to, and said, “Okay, I’ll be more careful next time.”

  Sophie’s face had softened, she reached across the table and patted her big brother’s hand. “It’s ok Zach, I know you didn’t mean it. And you’re right, I was being annoying,” she said and broke Abbey’s heart again. Even worse than angry Zach was Sophie learning from her how to please a boy and diffuse a potentially violent situation.

  “No, it’s not okay,” Abbey said. “Zach, you owe your sister an apology.” Her dad was filling his plate with food and came to join them at the table. Zach looked like he was going to defy her, shot a sideways glance to his grandfather and thought better of it.

  “I’m sorry Sophie, I won’t hurt you again,” he finally said to his little sister. Abbey smiled at him and he looked down, she couldn’t tell if it was out of shame or anger.

  “Good show, son. A true man knows when to step up and admit he’s made a mistake,” her father said with a smile. Zach looked up and saw that he was sincere and straightened in his seat, his face shining with pride at being called a man.

  Abbey caught her dad’s eye across the table and mouthed the words, “Thank you.” He waved it off and dug into his breakfast.

  She watched them eat, then picked up the dishes and did the washing up. The sun was shining on the bright green fields behind the house, she could see a few horses grazing and the trees in the distance. It was a good move, she had forgotten how much she loved the land and how much this felt like home. She just worried that Tom would come for them once he realized she wa
s gone, but she would prepare herself to deal with that when it happened.

  The truck was still parked on the side of the road where they had left it the night before. Nobody had touched it, that was the great thing about living this far out in the country. People were mostly honest.

  Her dad got in and tried to get it started, it just whirred and clicked as it had the night before. Abbey almost felt relieved that there was something actually wrong with it, that she hadn’t just been flailing like a typical woman the night before.

  Her dad stepped out and opened the hood, leaning in and muttered under his breath a few times.

  “Any idea what’s wrong?” she asked him.

  “Nope, not a damn clue. How long have you had this thing?” he said, standing up straight and sliding his cowboy hat back on his forehead.

  “Oh, I don’t know, about twenty four hours now,” she laughed and looked at her watch.

  “Good hell, you’re lucky you made it this far. Your guardian angel was riding with you last night,” he said and slammed the hood shut. “Take me home and I’ll bring the tractor down to drag it home. We’ll ask David to pop in at some point and see if it’s worth fixing.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” she replied, thinking two things. The first was, where the hell had her guardian angel been for the last few years while Tom beat the crap out of her, and the second...she was going to get to see David again.

  They spent the afternoon in the barn, her dad brought in a couple of well broke horses and they let the kids get to know them. Both of them had been around horses since birth, but Tom had never wanted to get them their own. He stopped letting Abbey ride years ago, she thought at times he was jealous of anyone learning something he was supposed to be an expert at. Or he was fucking one of the girls who worked at the ranch he kept his stock at, either way he never wanted his family out there.

  They were naturals with the horses though, she could see her dad swell with pride as he watched his grandkids crawl up and down the horses, brushing them and tacking them up.

  “This one’s mine,” Sophie declared at one point, her hand on a little Appaloosa mare, a flashy thing, all black with a spotted blanket.

  Zach looked at both horses, the other a bay Quarter Horse with a white blaze running down the center of its face. “Ok, I’ll take this big guy then,” he said with a smile. Abbey hadn’t realized she’d been holding her breath until she exhaled. She had been waiting for him to throw a Tom inspired tantrum and was pleased when he didn’t.

  “Hold on here,” her dad interjected. “Don’t I get a say? These are my horses after all.”

  Both kids froze at his booming voice, they looked at him with wide eyes. Sophie, ever the peacemaker like her mother, blinked and said, “I’m sorry grandpa.”

  Her father looked stricken, he had been joking and never expected his grandkids to react with such fear. He looked at Abbey and put two and two together, she knew he had always suspected Tom was a bastard, but until now, he’d never realized the extent of it.

  He squatted down and looked at both of them. “Hey, I was joking,” he said, his voice gentle now. “Of course you can have them, you’re my only grandkids, it’s my job to spoil you.” He stood up and looked at Abbey, his eyebrows up in inquiry. She knew she’d have to spill it to him at some point, but not yet.

  “So who wants to go for a ride?” she asked loudly to deflect his obvious curiosity.

  “I do! I do!” they both yelled and jumped up and down.

  There’s nothing like healing your heart on the back of a horse. Anyone who’s ever been on one knows this as surely as they know day will follow the night. As surely as they know thunder will follow a flash of lightning and the snow will melt to reveal fresh green grass in the spring.

  The moment Abbey lifted herself up onto the back of her Dad’s old saddle horse, she was home again. Like she had never left, never been ruined by Tom and she was sixteen years old, racing through the open fields, laughing as David tried to keep up on his dirt bike.

  The thought of Tom coming into her life and destroying this perfect image made her stomach clench with anger. She wished she had stood up to him years ago and gotten back into riding just to feel this free again.

  Abbey decided to let that go for the moment so she could fully enjoy this ride. The sun on their backs, the earthy familiar scent of the horses, the sounds of the tack creaking as they moved through the tall grass, it all made for one perfect slice of life.

  “Mommy, look!” Sophie called to her. Abbey turned in the saddle and followed her daughter’s finger to a small group of deer browsing in the field. “Can we ride over there?”

  “Sure,” her Dad answered for her and the four of them turned their horses to ride carefully towards the graceful animals. The deer heard them coming and all six of them popped their heads up at the same time. It was almost comical if they hadn’t been so elegant in their surprise.

  “How close can we get?” Zach whispered.

  “Pretty darn close, I bet,” her Dad replied. “Go low in the saddle, like this,” he continued and leaned forward over his horse’s neck. “That way they won’t know that we’re on the horses.”

  They all copied him and made it within about ten feet before the deer alerted to the fact that there were humans present. Five identical heads rose up at the same time, ears pricked and watching them edge closer. They pulled up and stayed that far away, enjoying the silence of the frozen moment, the connection with something pure and beautiful.

  Sophie sneezed and broke the moment. It sounded like a gunshot and echoed off the trees beyond the field. The deer whirled in perfect unison and bounded away. They cleared the barbed wire fence edging the hayfield and were gone out of sight in seconds.

  “You stupid—“ Zach started to say, looked at his grandpa and stopped short.

  “I’m sorry,” Sophie said and looked on the verge of tears.

  “It’s ok,” Zach replied, “I didn’t mean to call you stupid. I just wanted them to stay.”

  “We’ll see plenty of deer around here,” her father assured the children, “in fact I bet you get sick of seeing them by the end of the month.”

  “We’ll be home by then,” Zach said with all the authority his years gave him. Sometimes Abbey longed for the time she was full of the certainty of childhood, before the world knocked her down and showed her just how uncertain life could be.

  Abbey glanced at her dad and they exchanged a look. She didn’t know how to break it to the kids that they would be staying a lot longer than the end of the month. They would be staying forever if it were up to her. Her dad saw her flailing and said, “Who wants ice cream when we get back to the house? Last one has to close the gate!”

  The kids moved into action, Abbey was surprised again at how quickly they’d taken to horseback riding. Her father held back slightly and let the kids take the lead, Abbey stayed behind him and watched her children laugh and kick their horses into a jarring trot to win their ice cream. Why couldn’t life with Tom have been this carefree?

  “They’re good riders,” her dad said as if reading her thoughts, “did they get a chance to ride that often?”

  “Not at all,” she replied and swelled with pride, “they’re both naturals. We didn’t get to the ranch at all, that was Tom’s thing, you know?”

  He shot her a sidelong look and rode ahead, but turned back and retorted, “No, in fact I do not know.” He kicked his horse and caught up with the kids, leaving Abbey red faced and conscious of the fact that her father had been right all along. She should have never left with Tom.

  She made it through though, so there was that. She straightened her back in the saddle and moved her horse ahead, still hanging behind. She didn’t like the feelings of shame that rose up when she thought of her father’s judgement.

  She still wasn’t sure if he was mad at her for leaving, or mad at himself for not coming to get her. There was a weird part of her psyche that wondered if he thought she deserved Tom�
�s treatment, the same way she suspected that she had deserved every last minute of it.

  She jumped off her horse, pleased at how natural it still felt to be around them. She latched the gate, sighed and lead the old mare back to the barn.

  Her dad was joking around with the kids and showing them the fine art of horse and tack care, his carefree manner reminding her of the dad he had once been. She knew then that this was where she wanted to be, in spite of everything that had happened to her she could come home again.

  Chapter 3

  David’s deep laughter echoed over the yard and through the window where Abbey was doing the washing up from dinner. She hadn’t heard him come in, but she wasn’t surprised. He’d been there almost every night for the weeks since she’d been back.

  At first it had been about the truck, to tinker with it and help her dad get it running again.

  Then it had been some lame excuse about a bear being sighted in the area, so she and the kids should be careful. His official duty he’d called it, but she knew he hadn’t gone to any of the neighbors.

  Now he didn’t bother with an excuse, she knew he was here because of her.

  Her stomach jumped, a little fluttery flip flop, the kind you get when a guy you like shows up to see you. Simple and natural.

  But she shouldn’t want this, she couldn’t want this.

  Tom hadn’t tried contacting them even though he must know where she was. He hadn’t bothered to make sure she and the kids were ok, and he hadn’t bothered to give a shit about them being gone. She supposed it was more convenient for him, he could bring anyone home and not worry about her narrow, pinched look of disapproval when he tried to hide it.

  It hurt though, on some deep level it fucking hurt. She didn’t know what she had expected when she left, and she certainly would never go back, but she didn’t think he’d give it all up without a fight. She didn’t think she was worth so little in his life that he did nothing. He’d reacted more when their little cattle dog had run off, putting flyers up and calling the SPCA. She wondered if he called anyone at all when he discovered his family was missing.