Changing Stiles

by Elaine Allen

  “You crazy as shit. I guess that's why Tony won't leave your ass alone too then, huh?”

  What can I say? I gave him time to think about his stupid actions and now, he can't get me off his mind.

  “He still think he can get me back if he wants to. I saw him yesterday and he was all like, 'Hmmm, Lieas, you look good. And I was wondering if I could stop by your place to see you’. The nigga will not take no for an answer.”

  “Must be all that good— good.”

  “It is.” And I think that it's past time that I share it with Carter. “Nesh, I don't want to mess it up with Carter. I think he's what I've been looking for. You've seen him with Amira and—”

  “It's only been like a month.”

  “Three and a half months,” I correct. When I'm dreamy about relationships, they all want to dismiss it like it’s nothing. I can't win. "It's not that serious. He's a loving father and a patient and caring friend. But I like Justin too. Hence the dilemma.”

  Nesha clucks her tongue. “Look, we're getting too old for games. It’s like I said. Decide what you want to do and stop messing around. Nobody wants to be toyed with, left in the shadows, tucked to the side, or any of that shit,” she adds as her machine beeped its completion.

  I can tell that she’s annoyed but she smiles at me despite it. As her skinny ass comes to a complete halt, she takes a sip of her bottled water and hops the hell off, happily. That's skinny girl shit for you. I have ten more minutes left, and you can bet that I won't be jumping my ass anywhere when I'm done. I still have a half hour to do on the treadmill when I’m done here.

  ******

  Hours later, I give in and called Carter back. I'm prepared for him to be distant and a little standoffish. When he answers, his voice is dry. None of the emotion that I've become accustomed to can be felt. I could be reading way into things because I’m riddled with guilt.

  “Wassup, Lieas?”

  “Nothing. What are you doing?”

  “Finishing up some paperwork. I called you last night,” he grumbles then adds, “four times on your cell phone and 9nce our your house phone. And I texted you.”

  I can imagine the scowl plastered all over his face. And it's there because of me.

  Fuck… Fuck… shit… Fuck.

  Biting down on my lip, I start lying. “I know. I was at my parents and I missed your call. I was kind of annoyed with them, so I didn’t feel like talking. I went home and just went to bed.” This is my damn problem. Ain't no way I’m saying I ignored your calls because I was coming all over my other dude’s face.

  There was a heavy sigh on the other end. “The last time I called, it went straight to voicemail. Look, I don’t know what you're used to doing in a relationship, but I want to let you know that I’m not that dude. I'm not going for it.”

  Damn. “I’m sorry, Carter.”

  “Nawl. Don't apologize; be real. Be upfront and always honest. If we gonna have anything, you're gon’ need to get your communication skills together.”

  His voice, though rough, is somehow tinged with sincerity. The guilt spreads; I can feel it seeping in. I feel like a ten-year-old being admonished by my father.

  Blended with the sincerity, I tell him I detect some type of condescendence in his tone to balance my rising irrational need to check him.

  And, yeah, that won't do. No matter how accurate his assessment is, I'm not the take it lying down type. “I apologize for the miscommunication. I was pissed at my parents, so I turned my phone off.”

  “I figured you were out with one of your niggas. I thought I was going to be cool with that, but I'm not. So if you still wanna kick it with otha dudes, let me know. I'm trying to be here, with you, so I need you to be here too.”

  Eleven

  September 2002

  Alieas

  “Then I stood

  … and laid me down

  To sleep…

  After loving you…”

  I finish Nikki’s words with emphasis on the words ‘loving you’ as I zero in on Carter. The small club is filled to capacity with people of all shapes, sizes, colors, and backgrounds, all joined together for their love of words.

  The dim lighting almost illuminates this stingy little stage I’m standing on. My nerves tingle, and my blood spikes at the thrill of the applause. But beyond the glow of the lights and the cheers, my eyes are locked onto Carter's. Across the distance of our heated stare, I feel him pulling at me. Not physically but mentally, telepathically calling my name. His gaze, both laughing and sinister, intrigues me. Admittedly, I’m getting inebriated off of the sheer intensity of his presence as I drink him up with my eyes.

  Those sexy lips part into a huge smile as he claps proudly, his eyes never leaving mine. For a brief moment, the entire club is silent. On mute. And I only see him. I can feel him as easily as if his hands were actually on me.

  My heart beats excitedly as my feelings for him starts to spread through me. And it is in that moment that I realize that I love him. There are no illusions, no embellishments; there's just love. Automatically, I press my hand to my chest to make sure my heart is still there. Its beat, strong as ever, convinces me that it is.

  The smile slips from my lips as I contemplate what it all means. What it means to love him. More importantly, I’m trying to figure out if he loves me. I’m so distracted and caught up in my feelings that I don't hear the host all but dismiss me from the stage.

  I don't hear him but I burst into confused laughter as Carter steps forward, reaches over, and grabs me from the stage, pulling me close so that our bodies touch.

  Cautiously leaning back, Carter searches my face. “You cool?”

  Unable to form any words, I nod stupidly until I can, and then I say, “I'm great.”

  I'm in love. Does he feel the earth move beneath his feet too?

  Carter shifts so that we are an arm’s length apart. He cautiously studies my face. “You sure?”

  Shaking off the fog that’s clouded my brain, I assure him. “Of course.” My smile widens just in case he requires more than my words. “Did you like it?”

  Sheepishly, Carter nods. “That was dope, ma. You wrote that?”

  My face twists up a little. “Ahh, no. All the credit goes to Nikki Giovanni,” I school him.

  Processing my words, Carter scratches his goatee. “I thought poets had to write their own material at these jawns.” Carter links our hands and tugs me toward the back of the club. He easily creates a path for us to walk, and we find a small uninhabited roundtable. He kisses our joined hands. “I thought you were inspired,” he confesses huskily against my ear as I take my seat. My mouth waters at his implication.

  “You want something to drink?” he offers, looking back toward the bar.

  Fanning myself, I realize how thirsty I am. And not just for no damn drinks. How hot it is in this tiny place with all these glaring spotlights everywhere. With his eyes everywhere. All over me. “Just some water. Thank you.”

  Carter presses a soft kiss to my lips. “Be right back,” he promises when our lips part.

  I blow out a long breath watching him walk over to the bar. Absently, I place my hand over my heart to steady it.

  Damn, I'm in love, I think to myself. With Carter.

  Well, that is the plan, right?

  Absolutely! I was getting in my own way messing around with Justin. Only took a week or so after Carter let me know that he wasn't going for my having casual male friends, and it was over.

  I broke it off. No hard feelings. The fact that one of his girls found out made it easier. I’m over the entire situation. Now that hoe playing on my phone and shit.

  Definite no… no… Justin is texting and claiming that they aren’t exclusive so he don’t understand why she tripping. I’m not for none of that back and forth with chicks.

  So, it is what it is. Making a sound decision like that cleared the path for me to focus my attention solely on Carter, and I’m glad that I did because now, I'm in love with a
good man.

  Not that it matters, but I can't pinpoint the when. It could've been since the first time he kissed me. Or sometime between one of our early morning— midday or evening phone calls. I love them. Have grown accustomed to hearing his voice multiple times throughout the day. I'm an irritable baby if we don't get a chance to talk. The flowers and random text messages just to let me know he's thinking of me goes a long way.

  Being in love feels refreshing. Not how I felt with Tony. Everything there felt— forced. It was like me begging for Tony to make me a part of his life. Like, I'on have no invite, but I'm showing up anyway. And I didn't mind just showing up. Turning shit out. But I always ended up leaving alone.

  Loving Carter is like having a special invitation to an exclusive party and always winning the door prize.

  Shit, maybe I’m close to needing him.

  I guess you really don't know until you do, I surmise. We’re still abiding by some unspoken rule that I’m not ready for intimacy. He jokingly mentioned dickmatizing me, and that he didn't know if he was ready for that. Or if I was ready for that.

  Ready my ass. I'm in love. I could click my heels together and dance a jig. Instead, I'm going to make my next move.

  Twelve

  Alieas

  I would say that today was such a drain, but I can't. Not when I'm completely filled to the brim with contentment. Nothing that happened today seems to matter at this moment. The contractor at my very first rehab was testing me. I've known Eric since we were children and he was seriously giving me grief over the last few details.

  Wasn't in the mood. Justin's ryder still blowing up my text messages since last month. I'm like, Chill bitch. We ain't even fuck. And you right; he your man. As far as I’m concerned, you can have him, sis. I choose Carter. I love him and I’ll be damned if I let some dumb shit happens and ruin it.

  Carter never asked me again about any of the other guys. He was like I'm not doing it. I heard him loud and clear and cleaned up my act. I texted Justin for him to tell his jawn to chill. He called back and I ignored him.

  Right now, all I muster up enough strength to care about is the man who is sitting beside me.

  My cell phone vibrates in my back pocket. I pull it out to see Justin’s name flash across it. I decline the call quickly and just in time before Carter takes it out of my hand. Quickly, I sit up and laugh as I make a grab for it out of his hands.

  Carter presses his hand to my chest and pushes me back. Then he tosses my phone on the recliner next to our chair. I could shit in my pants right now, but he doesn’t even look at it. Instead, he leans down and murmurs against my lips, “Nawl, not on my time.”

  I giggle, but my heart is beating hella fast in my chest. Even though I didn't do anything wrong, I still feel guilty as shit. I’ve been ignoring all of Justin's calls since his lil’ girlfriend called me trying to check me about what her man doing with me.

  I half expected him to be all over me tonight, trying to get some, but he is romantic and holding back his desire as usual. Well, I'm going to fix that. Carter doesn't know it yet, but I'm not leaving here tonight until I know what it feels like to have him inside me.

  Momentarily, my thoughts are consumed with a seduction plan that will make this man drop to his knees with need for me and only me.

  Now that the decision has been made, all I have to figure out is how I'm going to make my move. Since all of today's worries are behind us and Amira is sleeping, Carter and I are quietly wildin' out like a bunch of teenagers at Bobby Dances. Bubba Sparxxx's “Ugly” is bumping out of the huge stereo speakers, loud enough to have fun but not loud enough to wake up Mira. She's upstairs in her bedroom and we drew the doors to the living room closed so the music wouldn't travel throughout the house.

  “Oh, oh, look!” I speak excitedly as I break away from him.

  “What?” he asks with a surprised smile. I started doing the heel-toe, a dance that is about a hundred years old. It took me forever to learn how to do it, but I finally got it down pat.

  My willingness to share it with Carter seems corny but... “I just learned how to do it,” I confide as I demonstrate the moves.

  “You hype,” he observes.

  I stop, look over my shoulder at him, and tell him to shut up. “You just mad ‘cause you can't do it."

  Carter grins foolishly and jumps up off the sofa to prove me wrong. To my amazement, he does the heel-toe, plus all the extra steps that had been added to it over time.

  “So what?” I tease with my hips cocked.

  Carter chuckles and without warning, grabs me by the waist. “Now, it looks like you're mad,” he taunts while holding my hips in his strong hands.

  Yeah, he's going to get it tonight. The feeling of his enormously erect dick pressed into my back is all the proof I need to deduce that he is just as aroused by me as I am by him.

  “Dance with me,” he whispers in my ear.

  Considering that R Kelly's “Feelin' on Your Booty” is coming on, I suspect that feelin' on my booty is what he wants to do. I'm down for that, and his ass is in for a treat ‘cause I'm a straight up hoe on the dance floor. Once in college, I made a guy bust just by bambin' my ass on his dick at a party while dancing to "Back That Ass Up". Shit… and back it up I did.

  Carter holds me as I began to sway my hips slowly to the music. I close my eyes and let my head rest on his shoulder as he wraps his arms around my waist and sways with me. After a minute, he bends his head to my ear and whispers huskily, "Yo, if you get any smaller, I ain't gon' have nothing to hold on to."

  I crack a huge cheesy smile. I've lost forty-nine pounds since the day I met him and knowing me as well as he does, Carter feeds my ego. “I still look good, though, and you know you like it.”

  “Ain't that the truth,” he agrees, rubbing his calloused fingers over my belly under my shirt. I get lost in the sensation as we continue to sway to Kells. The song fades and then my current favorite dance song comes on. I go straight freak on his ass to the thumping beats of “Oochie Wally”.

  I started grinding my ass in his crotch, bending over, swatting down, and just plain ole pushing the ass on him. It doesn’t take him long to join me in the mutual dance floor fuck. Most guys dance the same exact way, so the girl usually does all the work.

  By the time the song is over, I am tired as hell, and Carter is pulling me by the belt loops in front of him as he takes a seat on one of the bar stools. I smirk and turn to face him. I don’t lead on that I’m, but come on now; I'm still a big girl. “I'm not gonna give you a lap dance,” I inform him. The whole time I'm eyeing his fat dick beneath the fabric of his jeans and thinking that I really wouldn't mind dancing on his lap just as long as I'm dancing on that dick. “Unless you're willing to pay me for my services,” I offer.

  Carter grins from ear-to-ear and counters with an offer of his own. The wicked gleam in his eyes vanishes and is now replaced by the romantic haze that I'm accustomed to. Carter pulls me closer to him, wrap his arms around my waist, and buries his face in the hollow of my neck before saying, "Tell me something I can give you that you've never received from the legion of men you had. Or something that you've always wanted to do but haven't done yet."

  Damn, more sweet shit. He's turning my heart inside out.

  This is my opportunity to finally get what I've been obsessed with since Nesh mentioned it last month. Carter is offering me the dick and doesn’t even realize it. But I understand, that in his heart, he is offering me something much more. He is offering the chance to make me happy. I know that there are no more doubts.

  Tonight, I'm going to make love to the man I love.

  Love… Love...

  As if on cue, Mya’s voice sings out, and I blend my vocals with hers.

  Take the stars out of the sky for you

  There's nothing in this world that I wouldn't do

  If I could be your giiirl… If I could be your giiirl

  “Zagga zow. Zagga zow zow,” he croons the way Beenie Man doe
s, lowering his mouth a breath away from mine before he kisses me, lips meshing starting the slow burn.

  I chuckle, twining my arms around his neck. I quietly but clearly state, "I want to wake up in your arms tomorrow morning after having made love to you all night."

  I hold my breath as he positions me so he could look into my eyes. He's too quiet, though, which makes me nervous. So, I continue, "I know we talked about waitin’ until we were ready, but I'm tired of waitin'. I want your ass now."

  Carter laughs at my confession-turned-demand and at the way my eyebrows crease over my eyes. Quietly, without a word, he smoothes the creases away with his fingertips. My heart flutters with girlish joy and almost stops when they begin caressing my lips. My prayers are finally being answered. It seems crazy that I just realize that I’m completely in love with him. With this man; this beautiful, perfect man. Silently, I send up a prayer of thanks.

  When Carter begins to kiss me, all my heavenly thoughts cease. Gently, his soft lips play with mine as his fingers massage the small of my back. Hungrily, I take the kiss deeper. I run my fingers through his unbraided but freshly greased hair, making sure to hold him close to me as I attack his mouth. We kiss for what feels like an eternity as the CD changes, something that goes unnoticed as I lose all my senses when he takes over the reins.

  "You sure?" he finally questions, against my lips, between breaths.

  Carter is so sincere I want to laugh, but instead, I lift my head up, take his face between my hands, place a small peck on his lips, let go of my heart, and nod, almost too emotional to speak.

  "You act like this is my first time," I tease, looking directly into those baby brown eyes.

  Carter chuckles softly and replies with a small kiss. "It is—with me." "Our first time together is going to be just as memorable as either of our first times," he promises, taking my hand in his.