Rocked to the Core

by Clara Bayard

  "Because I don't want to be away from him. I want him more than I can tell you. But I need to have a life. A real one that doesn't include following some guy across the country because I've got nothing else to do."

  "So where does that leave things?"

  I shook my head. "I have no idea. For all I know he's got a new girlfriend by now."

  "He isn't calling anymore?"

  "No. In the fall it was once a week. And emails. But the last time I heard from him was New Year's. I wanted him to stop. But now that he has…I don't know."

  Kelly hugged me and kissed my cheek. "You're going to get through this. I know it."

  "Yeah, but when? We were only together for a month, how long is it going to take to get over him?"

  "It takes as long as it takes."

  "It would help if I didn't see his face and hear their music all the damn time."

  "I'm sure." Kelly's phone beeped. "Shit, I'm sorry. I have to go. Call me tonight, okay?"

  "Sure." I waved goodbye and watched her job back into the throngs of people winding through the campus. I got in my car and just sat there for a while watching the world go by.

  I wondered what Joe was doing at that moment, started to tear up and then slammed my hand on the dash. "Enough. No more weepy moping."

  I turned the car on and drove back down to my neighborhood, stopping at the grocery store and then the public library. I checked out a few journalism books and some local histories. One of the things Professor Shaw – Doug – had mentioned was research and I'd always been interested in how our little city had changed so much. Even if it was just to keep my mind off of Joe, a little studying couldn't hurt.

  When I got home I made a sandwich and curled up to start reading. I found myself completely engrossed in the books, reading the long history of development, disaster and revival that followed the city from its founding up to the current day. If a place could withstand so much turmoil certainly so could I. Especially since my problems were of my own making.

  By the time I went to bed my mind was full of ideas: stories to investigate, angles to delve into. But when my head hit the pillow I couldn't help but think about the last time I'd talked to Joe.

  ~*~

  I was getting dressed for the diner's New Year's party and running late. My hair was still wet and I couldn't find one of my shoes. In my hurry I didn't think to check to see who was calling and just answered the phone. Hearing his voice over the line made me sink to the floor, my hair dripping all over my brand new dress.

  "Hey babe."

  "Hi Joe," I whispered.

  "Happy new year."

  "Not yet. Hours to go."

  "Yeah, well I wanted to say it first."

  "Thanks." I just sat there listening to him breathing for a long time. "Where are you?"

  "South Beach. We're playing some party tonight. It's going to be televised and everything."

  "Fancy."

  "Yeah, but we're not allowed to drink, so everyone's in a bad mood. Especially Rick."

  I chuckled. "I bet. Um…tell everyone I say hi, okay?"

  "Sure. Look, I…shit. I know you don't want me to call you all the time and I get it. But I…sometimes I just need to hear your voice."

  I choked back a sob. "I know, but it's too hard, Joe. It still hurts too much."

  "Right. That's fine. Well…okay." I could hear him shutting down, each syllable he spoke a little colder and farther away from me.

  "Wait, I'm sorry. It's good to hear from you. To know how you're doing." I spotted my shoe under the bed, but just buried my head in my hands. "I'm sorry, Joe. I wish I could handle this better. I wish a lot of things."

  "So do I. You're not the only one who got hurt, you know."

  The pain in his voice made my heart ache. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and promise we'd be together forever. But we wouldn't. We weren't. And I needed to get over him before it killed me.

  "I have to go."

  "Okay." I heard a commotion behind him and knew he was going to have to pull it together.

  "Have a good show. And a happy new year."

  "Right back at ya," he said and hung up.

  Those were the last thing he said to me in almost a month and I could still remember every word, every inflection of his low, melodic voice.

  Chapter Three

  Saturday night I picked Kelly up and we drove over to Zach's apartment. He lived close to campus in a building that was almost indistinguishable from the actuals dorms. When we got inside I was surprised to see at least ten people sprawled across the couches and floor in the small living room. Clearly movie night was a popular event.

  Zach introduced me to his three roommates and the rest of the guests but I didn't really get any of their names. As usual, I was uncomfortable being in a group and wished I could beg off and ho home where it was quiet and empty. But hanging out with a bunch of people was part of the college experience and one Kelly said was really important.

  So I smiled, thanked Zach for the beer he handed me and found a spot with a good view of the huge television that wasn't too close to anyone else. Kelly perched on the arm of a couch holding one of the roommates, a tall guy with shoulders so broad I couldn't help but stare. He was definitely her type and from the way he grinned up at her, she was his.

  Fortunately we were the last to arrive so Zach started the movie, saving me from having to make any awkward small talk. He scooted down to sit next to me and offered a bowl of popcorn. I took a handful and turned my attention to the screen.

  The movie was one I hadn't seen and actually very funny, so it kept my attention pretty well. But every time I looked away I could feel Zach watching me. When our eyes met he'd smile and pretend to go back to watching the movie, but it happened enough times I had to say something.

  I bent my head close to his and whispered, "Is something wrong?"

  "No, why?"

  "Um…you keep looking at me."

  "Sorry," he said. "I'm just trying to make sure you're having a good time."

  "Really?"

  "Yeah. I'll stop though, if you want."

  Even in the dark I could see he was blushing. It was kind of adorable.

  "No, it's okay. I just thought maybe I had something on my face."

  "Oh, there is nothing at all wrong with your face, Liss." As soon as the words were out of his mouth his eyes opened wide and from personal experience I could tell he wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

  I laughed and turned back to the movie. I felt bad for Zach but it was nice to feel like I wasn't the most awkward person on the planet for once.

  When the first movie ended I looked over at Kelly and found her in the lap of the guy she'd been sitting next to. If things kept progressing it looked like I might be going home alone after all.

  There were a few minutes of arguing about what to watch next, but the majority voted for a horror movie I'd already seen. Since I knew what was going to happen I spent most of the time watching the others around me. Kelly and her guy were soon making out and the other people on the couch with them scooted as far away as possible.

  Zach noticed my lack of interest as he stood to answer the door. He asked if I wanted to help him get the pizzas and stuff. I nodded and we gathered empty bowls and plates and headed out. He brought in a stack of pizza boxes and put them down on the counter.

  "So, Kelly told me you work at a diner?"

  "Yeah, since we were in high school."

  "Food service sucks. I work at an ice cream shop every summer. It's terrible."

  "The ice cream or the customers?"

  "Both, but the people are the worst. There's always some lady who wants to eat half a cone and then return it. Or kids who spill all over everything. I go home sticky every night."

  I laughed." That does sound terrible. The diner's okay. I used to work the night shift and it was really quiet. That was good."

  "And now?"

  "Different shifts, but things have really gotten busy."


  "Oh yeah, Kelly said something about that. Some pop star recommended the place, right?"

  "Rock, actually. The lead singer of Dream Defiled." For some reason even talking about Joe to another guy felt like cheating. Which was stupid, but unavoidable.

  Zach shrugged. "Not my kind of music. But it must be good for business."

  "Yeah, but not tips."

  "Bummer." He stood up straight and looked at me. "Liss, I want to ask you something."

  "Okay."

  "Would you like to have dinner with me? Or drinks?"

  I smoothed my shirt over the top of my jeans and looked away from him. "Oh, uh…"

  "Never mind. Forget I said anything." He grabbed the pizzas and went to leave the room.

  "Wait. Zach, I'm sorry. You just surprised me." I shoved a lock of hair behind my ear.

  "I did?"

  "Yeah, I don't exactly get asked out a lot."

  He blushed and smiled. "I can't see why that would be."

  "Yeah, well… Anyway, I'm flattered but I'm not really dating right now."

  "You're not?"

  "No. I'm trying to concentrate on myself. Taking that class with Kelly is a part of it, and I just can't get involved in anything else right now."

  He laughed. "I'd feel like you were brushing me off, but for some reason I believe that."

  "It's true." And it was. Not the whole truth, but enough.

  "I do believe you. And I'm impressed."

  "Impressed?" I put down the bag I was holding and crossed my arms.

  "Yeah. Focusing on what matters. It's very mature."

  "I don't know about that."

  "I mean it. Most people our age are all, 'to hell with my future, I want to party and get laid,' and all that. Not that there's anything wrong with partying or getting laid."

  I laughed. "No, but I know what you mean. Gotta find the right balance."

  He nodded. "Exactly. See? Very mature."

  We smiled at each other for a long moment. Something inside me fluttered and I took a deep breath. "Anyway, let's head back. To hell with maturity, I want to watch topless girls get stabbed."

  Zach laughed so hard he almost dropped the pile of pizza boxes. "Let's."

  ~*~

  The next day I drove to work sleepy, but happy. Hanging out with Kelly, Zach and their friends was fun. And so normal. It was everything I thought college life would be and I couldn't wait until next time. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was living the life I wanted. Not perfect, but good.

  A tiny voice in my head said that Zach had a lot to do with the smile that seemed to tease my lips constantly. I'd meant what I told him, dating was completely out of the question, but it was nice to meet someone new.

  And while I hadn't felt the immediate pull like with Joe, there was something soft and sweet between us that felt safe and very unlikely to leave me destroyed when it ended. If and when I decided to date again that's what I wanted. A companion, not someone whose passion consumed me. The excitement wasn't worth the inevitable pain, I'd decided. It was a lesson I thought I'd learned before, but as I changed the radio station when Joe's voice started echoing through the car, I certainly had learned it now.

  I walked into the diner with a bounce in my step. But what I saw when I got inside made me stop cold. At which time the door swung closed with my big butt still in the way, and knocked me down.

  I was lying on the floor hoping I had somehow managed to become invisible when a familiar British accent sounded across the diner. "Liss, love, are you all right?"

  I got up slowly, using the back of a booth for balance. "Hey Dex. Long time no see."

  The bass player in Joe's band grinned and ran over. He wrapped me in a tight hug that made my stinging knees hurt even worse, but I ignored it and hugged him back.

  "I've been sitting here for hours waiting for you."

  "Why?"

  "Your boss said you'd be in."

  I looked up into his dark eyes and smiled. "I mean why are you here?"

  "At this diner?"

  "In town, dummy."

  "Oh." He chuckled and patted me on the head. "Can't a bloke leave his life of excess and glamor to come visit his favorite girl in the world?"

  "Go to hell, Dex. Be serious for once." A ball of fear tightened in my stomach. "Is something wrong? Is it Joe?"

  The sly smile on his face slid away. "No, god no. He's fine. Everything's fine."

  "Then answer my question. Why are you here? I thought you guys were still on the road."

  "Fuck. You're serious? I thought you knew we were going to be here."

  "I didn't. I don't."

  "Oh. We're done touring for now. Writing songs and rehearsing before recording the new album."

  "I see. Um, and that's all happening here?"

  "Yeah."

  "So you're all in town? The whole band? And will be here for a while?" With each word my voice rose higher until it was at a shrill shriek.

  "At least a month," he replied.

  My knees went watery and I swayed a bit. Dex held onto my arm and looked down at me like I was crazy. Which, to be fair, I was.

  "Liss, what's going on? Why are you so freaked out?"

  "I-I'm not. Just uh, surprised. Um…come sit down. Did you eat? Do you want some cake? Or a beer?"

  "I've been stuffing my face all afternoon. I think I ate a whole pie. Are you sure you're okay?"

  "Uh huh. Of course." I smiled weakly at him. "I need to go drop my purse in the back. Give me a minute, okay?"

  "Sure. I'll be at the counter."

  "Great."

  I walked to the back in a haze. Bombs could have exploded around me and I wouldn't have noticed. At first I felt shocked that the whole band was in town. But then I realized it made sense. I'd just barely begun to pull myself together, had my first few hours of feeling like a person again. Of course that's when Joe and company would walk back into my life. Into my city. Into my diner. Oh god, what if he was coming? What if he was meeting Dex here? Just thinking about him made my mouth dry and my hands shake. I wasn't ready to see him. I couldn't handle seeing him.

  I guess I'd been standing in the back room so long people got worried. Darrell opened the door from the kitchen and poked his head in.

  "You okay, kiddo?"

  I nodded. "Fine."

  He wiped his hands on his chef's jacket and walked into the room. "Want to try that one again?"

  "I'll be fine. Just need a minute."

  "Liss you've been in here for twenty. That big-eater English fella thinks he gave you a heart attack or something."

  I laughed humorlessly. Heart attack was about the size of it, too. "Tell him I'm sorry. I'll be out in a second."

  He peered at me for a moment and then nodded. "Okay."

  When I was alone again I shoved my purse in my locker and pulled on my apron. I tied my hair back and washed my hands, staring at my face in the mirror. I was pale and my eyes were wide.

  I frowned at my reflection and turned away. I smoothed down my apron a dozen times before opening the door and heading into the front of the diner.

  Dex was, of course, flirting shamelessly with the other waitress on duty. She leaned against the counter giggling as he scarfed down a piece of cheesecake. The whole time I was on the road with the band I'd never seen him do any more exercise than chasing a cute groupie around a room, but his tall, wide form was all muscle. I could only imagine he worked off all the eating and drinking he did on stage and in bed with any of the unending series of girls who threw themselves at him.

  In theory he'd be the kind of guy I loathed, but the truth was, Dex had always been warm and kind to me. When some other members of the band and its management were cruel or dismissive, he'd always been there with a joke or a friendly hug when I was having a rough time.

  I watched him teasing playfully and smiled, a real one this time. Darrell came up from behind me and put his hand on my shoulder.

  "It's the accent, right? You girls
can't resist the accent."

  "It doesn't hurt," I admitted.

  "Should I go rescue Mary?"

  "Nah, he's harmless. And she'll be telling everyone in her kid's class how a rock star hit on her."

  "Fair point. Now get to work, kiddo."

  "Yes, sir."

  I walked over and laughed as Mary tossed her hair. I wondered if I'd be flirting with twenty-five year olds when I was her age. Hell, I wasn't doing it at my age, so probably not.

  "Sorry to interrupt, you guys."

  "Oh, Liss. Your friend here was just telling me about the differences between diners here and in London. Fascinating."

  "I'm sure." I cocked my head to the side and just looked at her.

  "Yes. Well, I better go check on my tables."

  "Goodbye, my darling," Dex said dramatically.

  She blew him a kiss and went off with a new spring in her step.

  "Oh boy, you never change."

  He grinned impishly. "And I never will."

  "Good. Want something else? Coffee?"

  "Coffee would be great. It's going to be a long night."

  I topped of his cup. "Why's that?"

  "Ryan rented out a bar for us. So we can blow off some steam before getting down to work."

  "Oh, wow."

  "Yeah, I'm heading over there from here. You should stop by when you're off. Everyone would love to see you. We never got to say goodbye."

  I blinked away a tear. "Yeah, sorry about that. I should have."

  "It's okay, love. But I mean it about stopping by. Have one drink."

  "Did…did he ask you to come see me?"

  "No. And he's too stubborn to come himself. But I know him, Liss. And I know you a little too. You will both feel a lot better if you can be in the same room for five minutes. Whatever happens after that you need to at least look each other in the eye."

  He was right, of course. I rolled my eyes. "Well you're awfully sensitive for such a slut, Dex."

  He chuckled and leaned in to speak softly. "Don't tell anyone. Can't ruin my reputation as a notorious rake."

  "Notorious dork is more like it," I said, laughing.

  "There's the Liss I know and love. Seriously, will you at least think about it?"

  "Of course."

  "That's all I ask. Oh, and is there more cheesecake? I want to take some back to the hotel."