by Jessica Wood
“To be honest, I can’t even remember. You were upset and yelled at me, and I became defensive and yelled back.” He sighed. “I’m so sorry, Liv. I know that it was all my fault, and I hate myself because of it. I know that if I hadn’t broken my promise to you that night, we wouldn’t have had that silly argument, and you wouldn’t have run off like that…and you wouldn’t have been hurt.” His voice cracked as his face flushed red in anguish. “Please forgive me, Liv.”
I tried to digest his story and felt a lump in my throat. “Does this happen a lot?” I found myself asking.
“What do you mean?”
I met his pained eyes. “Do we argue a lot about work?”
“No, not at all. We actually rarely argued. Work was actually what brought us together. That’s how we fell in love, during those late nights at the office.”
“Oh.”
“Liv,” he held my hands with his, “I know I’m not a perfect man. I know I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes. But please don’t give up on me. Please let me try to be the perfect man for you, even if there are days where I falter and fail at my attempts.” He pulled me into his arms. “I love you and need you more than you’ll understand,” he whispered in my ear before he started to kiss me gently on one of my cheeks, then the other, then my forehead, nose, and finally my lips before he pulled away and looked at me. “I hope you know that.”
Touched by his words, I nodded. “I do.” My words were muffled slightly as I sank into his smooth, hard chest. Stop overreacting, Liv, I hissed to myself as I tried to focus on all the amazing things I’d seen Connor do for me and not to harp on the few mistakes he’d made.
As we pulled away, I resolved to try and push aside the reservations that seemed to gnaw at my feelings for Connor. I resolved to try and be as understanding and loving to Connor as he had been to me. I owe him at least that. I looked over at the breakfast he’d prepared for me. Focus on these things, Liv. I met his gaze and beamed at him. “I’m starving. Did you eat yet?”
He laughed. “No I haven’t, but I’m not hungry.” Then he scrunched his face playfully at me and teased, “Don’t try to pawn your breakfast off on me before you’ve even tasted it. I’ll have you know that you love my cooking. Plus, I woke up really early and slaved over this meal—I didn’t even have Debra help me.”
I giggled, feeling myself relax as his warm eyes framed his handsome face.
“One more thing,” he added, but paused for dramatic effect.
“What is it?” I finally asked.
“Your birthday is next Saturday.”
“It is?” I felt blindsided by his revelation as I was quickly reminded of how much I didn’t know about myself. Then another thought hit me by surprise. “How old am I turning?”
“Twenty-one, of course.” Connor chuckled as he playfully tapped my nose with his finger.
I flashed him a doubtful look and crossed my arms, pretending to be upset.
“Okay. Fine. To me, you don’t look a day over twenty-one. Buuuut, if we have to be technical about things, you’re turning twenty-nine.”
“Twenty-nine,” I repeated as I absorbed this new fact about myself.
“Anyway, kiddo,” he grinned, “I was thinking we can spend your birthday out at the Milburn Orchards.”
“The Milburn Orchards?”
“Yeah, you’d mentioned it before your accident and said you wanted to go in the Fall. You had been really excited about going on a hayride and going apple picking in their orchards. You also said we had to try out their famous apple cider donuts, which you read a lot of great things about. So does that sound like something you’re up for?”
I smiled at his words. “Yeah! Totally! That sounds like a lot of fun.” I couldn’t hold back the excitement in my voice. Not only did I think the idea of going on a hayride and going apple picking sounded like a lot of fun, I was delighted to hear that it was an idea that the me before the amnesia had thought of. Over the last month since I woke up from my coma, I found myself questioning time and time again the person I was before the accident. I often wondered whether I was the same person, whether I was the person Connor fell in love with, whether it was me who had changed and as a result, caused the hesitation I felt inside for Connor. So the idea that I had suggested a fun, low-maintenance, and down-to-earth activity sent a bubble of hope to rise inside me, instantly putting me in a good mood.
With a fresh sense of hopefulness, I devoured the delicious breakfast Connor had made for me, and for the next hour, I found myself laughing and smiling as Connor entertained me with stories of our courtship. For the first time, instead of feeling like I was living another person’s chosen life, I found comfort in knowing how much Connor and I had seemed to love each other. As I watched Connor zealously talk about our late nights together at the office, and the inside jokes we had about this and that, I began to see what it was about him that I must have fallen for. He had an undeniable charm that seemed to draw you in, making you feel comfortable and at ease around him.
Yet despite the growing appeal I saw in Connor, I couldn’t seem to shake off this nagging feeling I had inside that something was missing, that something wasn’t right, that something had indeed changed. Is it me? I may still share some similar interests with my prior self, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t change. And if I did change, can I ever go back to being the person I was before the coma? Did I even want to be that person again?
***
“Hey sweetie.”
I looked up and smiled up at Connor. “Hi.”
He looked at the open journal and pen in my hand. “I didn’t know you kept a journal.”
“I don’t think I have recently, but I have flashbacks of me writing in one when I was growing up. I thought it’d be a nice way of documenting everything I was feeling.”
“That’s a really good idea.” The warmth of his smile resonated in his voice.
“Are you about to head out?” I eyed his briefcase and the small duffle bag in the hallway.
“Yeah.” His lips curled into a frown. “I’m sorry that I have to go to New York again so soon. We should be able to finalize this deal during this trip, so things will calm down a bit once that happens.”
“Don’t worry, Connor. I understand. It’s been a week since you last saw the client in New York. I’m sure with so much money at stake, he’d like a face to face meeting with you before finalizing everything.”
“You’re really amazing, you know that?” He walked over and kissed me; his lips were slow with intention as they seductively lingered on mine. I knew he wanted more from me, but something seemed to hold me back from opening up to him in that way. It was as if there was this stiff elastic band that inevitably pushed back his attempts to take our relationship to the sexual level.
“Have a safe trip.” I forced a small smile, trying to ignore the awkwardness that always surfaced after one of our sexual tug of wars. “I hope everything goes smoothly with the client.”
He flashed me a warm smile that complimented his chiseled face. “I’ll be back before you even start missing me,” he teased.
“I doubt that,” I responded back with a grin. I felt a little annoyed that I was slightly put on the spot by his passive aggressive attempt to elicit my feelings about his one-day absence.
“Well I’m already starting to miss you, so I win,” he said between his quick-fire kisses on my lips.
The annoyance deepened and I tried to hide my feelings. “I guess I didn’t get the memo that this was some sort of competition,” I shot back sarcastically.
He chuckled as he hugged me goodbye and headed out the door. I knew he thought I was playfully teasing back with my comment, and in a way, I led him to think that way. But in reality, I secretly meant it as a snarky retort as I wondered why something as personal and emotionally-based as missing a person could be seen as some sort of competition or business transaction where there would exist winners and losers. You’re overthinking this, Liv, I tried to r
eason with myself. He was just flirting with you and trying to get you to defrost your frigidness with him.
I pushed the voice of reason aside, unwilling to listen to it when my emotions were involved. It’d been a week since Connor’s previous trip to New York City, and with everything that had happened since then, I welcomed the reprieve from his constant attention, adoration, and—dare I say—control. Liv, you’re such an ungrateful bitch for even thinking that, I heard that small voice of reason inside me protest.
“Well it’s true,” I heard my words echo in the vast empty living room. As much as I wanted to feel otherwise, in the last few days, I began to feel smothered and suffocated by the extent of Connor’s sweetness, attentiveness, and protectiveness toward me. I had tried to be as understanding and loving toward him as he had been toward me, but it was all too much, and it got to the point where I felt like I wasn’t myself.
I let out a deep, troubling sigh, knowing that I felt more lost and confused about my emotions than ever before.
CHAPTER SEVEN
It was the day before my birthday when Jim dropped me off in front of Varga Bar, a gastropub that served gourmet comfort food, craft beer, and cocktails.
As soon as I walked into the retro interior, I heard Anna’s voice from the far end of the bar.
“Over here¸ sweetie!” She motioned her hand up in the air to catch my attention.
I waved and greeted her with a smile as I walked down the length of the bar to where she sat. Painted on the wall above the entire length of the bar were vintage images that were reminiscent of the famous Peruvian painter Alberto Vargas’s pin-up girls.
“Hi, Anna.”
She greeted me with a warm hug and contagious smile. “Did you find this place okay?”
“Sorry I was a little late. I didn’t get lost, but Jim insisted on driving me and we got stuck in traffic.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head, showing my slight frustration at the situation.
Anna laughed. “Sounds like you have a chaperone.”
“Right?” I was glad Anna understood my feelings. “It makes me feel like I’m turning nine, not twenty-nine.”
“Yeah, that must be so annoying. Speaking of, let’s get you a birthday drink.” She motioned at the bartender to make me the same drink she was having. It wasn’t until then that I noticed she was drinking a cocktail.
I raised an eyebrow in amusement. “I thought we’re meeting for brunch?” I motioned skeptically at her drink with my gaze.
She giggled. “Honey, it’s a Bloody Mary. It’s basically tomato juice, olives, celery, and bacon, with just a dash of vodka.” She shrugged. “Sounds like a pretty healthy brunch to me.”
I laughed and shook my head. “You’re too much, Anna.” I loved how carefree, fun, and spirited Anna was about life, and wished I could be more like her.
“Besides I think they have food here.” She waved her hand casually at the menu as she took a big gulp from her glass. Then she flashed a devious smile at me. “But, as someone use to tell me, there’s nothing wrong with a liquid brunch instead.”
“I used to say that?” I was surprised by her suggestion. The bartender came over and set a glass of Bloody Mary in front of me.
“Yup,” she said between her giggles. “We used to have a lot of fun. You were the life of the party.” I saw a glint of nostalgia in her eyes.
“Have I changed a lot since my amnesia?” I was afraid of her answer, but of all the questions that had plagued my mind since I woke up from the coma, this question had remained the constant that seemed to overshadow all other questions.
“No, not exactly.” She cocked her head and studied my confused expression. “When we first met, you had just moved to Philly. As hard as you seemed to pour yourself into work, you also partied and enjoyed life just as hard. I’m not sure if it was your mother’s death, or if you were always like that, but you were really passionate about the idea of living your life to the fullest. You always said that your goal was to do something each day that scared you. It didn’t have to be anything big, but just something each day that pushed you out of your comfort zone.”
“And Connor liked that about me?” The person Anna described didn’t seem like the same one I’d pictured Connor falling in love with.
She shrugged. “I’m not sure actually. After you started dating Connor, you seemed to become more serious about things. Connor created his company from the ground up on his own, so it was his pride and joy. So I think as things became more serious with the two of you, you started to focus a lot of your passion and energy into what he cared about—Brady Global.”
I frowned, unsure of how I felt about how Anna had thought I’d changed. “So I had changed when I met Connor?”
She noticed my unease and gave me a warm smile. “Well I wouldn’t say you changed per se, but I think you just got a little bit more serious. That’s totally normal and a part of growing up, Liv. You were happy and in love with Connor, and you two fell in love during those late nights at the office. It makes total sense you’d become even more serious about your job and devoted to the company when it’s so important to the man you love.”
“That explains it,” I mumbled out loud. Her words made sense and it helped me realize something else.
“Explains what?”
I looked at her sheepishly and felt a tinge of guilt of what I was thinking. “Can I tell you something?”
A smile curled onto Anna’s lip as she eyed me suspiciously. “I know that look.” She leaned toward me and giggled. “What is it that you haven’t told me?”
I laughed as I was again reminded of how well Anna knew me. “Well…what you said earlier about how I was passionate about living life and doing things that scared me…well the day I got out of the hospital, I bumped into this guy…”
“Oh.” I could tell this was the last thing she expected me to say.
“Well he was cocky, confident, and way too forward with me. At first he didn’t even seem to care when I said I was engaged.”
“So what happened?” Anna’s face lit up with a mixture of excitement and surprise.
I told Anna about my encounters with Ethan, feeling a sense of relief that I was telling someone about this mystery man that Connor didn’t know about.
“So have you talked to him since the night he helped you look for Scooter?”
I shook my head. “No. He texted a few times to check to see if everything was okay, but besides texting him back to let him know that Scooter was home and safe, I’d been avoiding him.” I paused, feeling guilty about what I was about to admit. “I’ve been trying to distance myself from him, but—”
“But you can’t seem to get him out of your mind?” Anna finished my sentence with a glimmer of excitement in her eyes.
“God, I’m an awful person, Anna. How can I be thinking of another man when I have Connor? He’s been so understanding and patient. Not only am I not letting him touch me, I’m secretly thinking about someone else. Who does that?” I bury my face in my hands in shame.
“Liv, you’re not an awful person.” Her voice was soft and compassionate as she gently rubbed my shoulder to console me. “Maybe you’re just confused about your feelings. I mean, I can’t imagine how it feels to wake up one day being engaged to someone you can’t remember and have people tell you that you loved him when you don’t have those feelings. That has to be a lot of pressure.”
“Thanks,” I said gratefully.
“For what?” She gave me a small smile.
“For listening to me without passing judgment; for being so supportive and understanding.”
“Liv, I love you, sweetie. You may not remember everything about our friendship, but you’re like the sister I never had, and I’m pretty sure you felt the same way.” She grinned at me widely as she boasted about our friendship.
I smiled, feeling thankful to have a friend as supportive as she was.
“I know things will work out the way they should. At the end of the day, do what
feels right to you, and I’ll be behind you the entire way.”
“Thanks, Anna. I think I really needed to hear that. I’ve been so confused lately with what I’m feeling versus what I should be feeling, and it’s been making me question everything about myself and how much I’ve changed.”
“Liv, there may be things you don’t remember, but at the very core of who you are, you haven’t changed one bit.” She reached for my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “You are still the same caring, selfless, and loyal person.”
“You think so?”
“I know so.” She beamed at me. “So what do you think you’re going to do?”
I took a big sip from my Bloody Mary and thought about her question. “Connor’s an amazing man. I’m not giving up on us. I think you’re totally right. I do feel a lot of pressure with my relationship with Connor. To me, he still feels like a stranger, and he’s been so busy with work, I haven’t really had much of a chance to really get to know him. But I know he loves me, and I loved him too. And the idea of not being able to feel those same intense feelings for him scares me. Ethan’s a lot of fun, but maybe he’s just a distraction or an excuse to run from my feelings for Connor simply because I’m scared to confront them.”
“That makes sense.” She flashed me a sympathetic smile.
“So I need to just focus on my relationship with Connor. It’s hard enough as it is trying to figure out my feelings for Connor, I really don’t need to add Ethan to the mix.”
“That’s probably a good idea.” She raised her nearly-empty glass of Bloody Mary in the air in front of us. “A toast! To your birthday! I hope you have a blast spending it with the love of your life.”
“I’ll drink to that.” I grinned and raised my glass to hers.
“Speaking of which, what is Connor doing for your birthday tomorrow that forced us to celebrate your birthday a day early?”
“We’re going to Milburn Orchard and then a romantic dinner at some restaurant he picked out.”
“Oh that sounds like so much fun! I love going apple picking there. Sounds like Connor has a nice birthday planned out for you.”
