Pieces of my Heart

by Jamie Canosa

  “Yeah, well, that’s her car right there, man. She can’t have gone far. She’ll be back.”

  “She better be. I wasn’t lying when I told you someone was going to be made an example of. If it ain’t her, it’s you.”

  “It’ll be her, man. Rats like her always find their way back to the sewer, eventually.”

  My fingers curled with the urge to throttle DJ. This was his fault. He may try to look like a thug, but he really wasn’t all that much bigger than me. And he was usually higher than a kite. I’d stand a decent chance against him. I was angry enough that if it hadn’t been for his badass, totally terrifying biker buddy, I might have given it a shot.

  As it was, I inched my way around the dryers to the dirty window overlooking the parking lot. DJ was still running his mouth as he followed Stryker right past his bike and into the DJ’s building. They weren’t going anywhere.

  “Cal?” I don’t know why I was whispering. It’s not like they could hear me from there, but I was too frightened to get my voice to work any louder.

  “I’m almost there. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. They went into DJ’s building. I don’t think he’s planning on leaving until he finds me.”

  “That’s not gonna happen. I’m turning into the complex now.”

  I tried to catch my breath, but couldn’t. What would he do if he found me? From the look of DJ, nothing pretty. Stryker was a big guy. All muscle and anger management issues. The kind of guy that could do a lot of damage if he wanted to. “Hurry, Cal.”

  “I’m almost there. You’re gonna be alright.”

  I tried to picture Caulder to fight back the encroaching panic. Behind the wheel of his big black car. No doubt hauling ass past the dilapidated tennis courts and overgrown basketball nets. He was close. He had to be. Just breathe.

  Inhale. Exhale. In—

  Tires squealed to a stop outside my building and I chanced another peek. Caulder’s car was parked diagonally across three spaces. The driver’s door hung open as he raced over the patchy lawn, his long strides devouring the distance between us. I didn’t wait for him to reach me. Shoving off the floor, I flew to the door and nearly collided with him.

  The moment Caulder’s arm came around me, I gasped with relief.

  “It’s okay.” He curled me tight to his body and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. His chin rubbed over my hair, the scruff lining his jaw, scraping soothingly against my scalp as we hustled toward his car. “Let’s get you out of here.”

  He didn’t let me go until he’d deposited me safely in his passenger seat, pressed the lock, and shut the door. His face remained calm, but he’d held me close enough that I could hear the way his heart was hammering away inside of his chest.

  Watching him round the hood felt like the longest five seconds of my life. I kept glancing at DJ’s building, expecting one or both of them to come barreling out at any moment.

  They didn’t. Caulder slid behind the wheel and threw it into drive. He hadn’t even bothered turning it off. My eyes stayed glued to the building until it was out of sight, trying to get my racing mind to settle on a single thought. Even after we left the complex, I kept expecting to hear the roar of a motorcycle chasing us down.

  “Relax.” Cal reached over and wrapped his fingers around mine, gently removing them from my mouth. “I think we’re safe now.”

  We’re safe. Not you’re safe. I’d put Caulder in danger simply by calling him. How had I not thought of that?

  Because I’d only been thinking about myself.

  Self-centered. Greedy. Sucking the life out of everyone around you.

  If something happened to him . . . because of me . . . “I’m sorry, Cal. I didn’t mean to drag you into this mess. I just . . . I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “Jade . . .” His fingers threaded through mine and gave a squeeze. “You needed my help and you called me. That’s what I’ve been waiting for you to do. To trust me enough to ask for my help when you need it. Everything’s going to be okay now. I promise.” His hand traveled lightly up my arm on its way back to the steering wheel, pausing to give another reassuring squeeze to my upper arm. And, dammit, I flinched.

  I flinched and Caulder saw. His eyes hardened before narrowing on my upper arm. A few rapid glances at the road ahead assured him it was clear sailing and he removed his right hand from the wheel, reaching over, despite my protests, to push my sleeve up.

  “What the hell is that?”

  I followed Caulder’s line of sight and cringed. Five fingerprint sized bruises encircled my upper arm. Crap.

  “It’s nothing. I—” My entire body lurched in the seat as Caulder slammed on the brakes, kicking up dirt and gravel as we jerked to a stop on the shoulder.

  “Jade.” His eyes dared me to lie again. “What. Is. That?”

  I sighed and tried to tug down my sleeve, but Cal was having none of it. Gently lifting my arm by the elbow, he examined the dark spots more closely.

  “Are those from . . . fingers? Did someone grab you?”

  “I told my mom I thought Michael should leave. I thought he was asleep, but he must have overheard. When she left . . .” My close encounter with Stryker had overshadowed the one with Michael, but reliving it . . . I twisted my fingers together in my lap to hide the way my hands were beginning to shake. “He got pissed.”

  “And he hurt you.” It wasn’t a question, but I shook my head anyway.

  “He grabbed me.” I had a feeling Caulder was letting his imagination run wild. “It really wasn’t that big a deal. He warned me not to—”

  Before I could even finish talking, Cauder hit the gas as hard as he’d hit the brakes earlier and I bounced off the door as he pulled a sharp uey across four lanes of traffic to turn us around in the opposite direction. Forget angry bikers, drug dealers, and deadbeat dads, Caulder’s driving was going to be the death of us both.

  “What are you doing?” I grabbed the door handle and hung on for dear life.

  “What am I doing?” Caulder, on the other hand, was almost deadly calm and entirely focused. “I’m going to kill that son of a bitch.”

  “Cal. Stop. You can’t.”

  “Like hell I can’t. He put his hands on you, Jade. He hurt you . . . You were hurt. And afraid.”

  I opened my mouth to say who knows what, but Caulder cut me off before I could utter a single word. “Tell me you weren’t afraid.”

  It was a dare. One I couldn’t rise to because it meant lying to him. And the one thing I could never do again was lie to him.

  “I’m afraid now.” Not a lie.

  Caulder’s lead foot eased off the gas and we slowed. “Of me?”

  He was incredulous. And wrong.

  “No. Not you.” He had a temper, but I could never be afraid of him. “Cal, I called you because DJ’s back there and he’s looking for me. I called you to take me away from there. Not bring me back.” I felt the rising tide of panic begin to pool in my eyes. “Please. I can’t go back there. Not yet.”

  We slowed further until we drifted off the road onto the shoulder and rolled to a slightly less jarring stop this time. He didn’t put it in park. He just sat there with his foot on the brake, staring out the windshield.

  “You were afraid. And alone. And—” He choked back some of the emotion clogging his voice. “Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

  I shrugged and twisted a strand of hair hanging over my shoulder. “It wasn’t your problem. You said you couldn’t—”

  “I did this to you.” I wasn’t so convinced honesty was the best policy anymore, as I watched heartache wash over Caulder’s face. “I was a coward. I was scared of how you make me feel. Terrified of losing control . . . I pushed you away. I demanded that you trust me and then gave you every reason not to.”

  “Caulder, stop. You’re wrong.” He had no idea how wrong he was. “I asked for your help, didn’t I? I needed you and I called, because . . . because there’s no one else in this world that I trust mo
re.”

  “I don’t deserve your trust.” The revulsion I saw earlier, turned inward. Cal was angry with himself, the way I was angry with myself. But whatever had happened before didn’t matter now. All that mattered was that he was there when I needed him. And, contrary to whatever he was convincing himself of inside that head of his, I’d never once doubted he would be.

  “It doesn’t matter, Cal. I trust you. I’ll always trust you. Just like I’ll always need you.” I wouldn’t let him harbor guilt over me. I had to make him understand that no matter what happened—or didn’t happen—between the two of us, he would always have my trust. I didn’t know how else to do that other than to be perfectly honest.

  “When I was little . . . things weren’t always easy.” Feeling overexposed, I dropped my gaze to my lap, but I could see from the corner of my eye that Caulder had put the car in park and shifted to give me his full attention. Something I couldn’t think about at the moment if I was going to get this out. “Sometimes I’d go to my room and . . . cry.” God, this was embarrassing. “I’d bury my face in my pillow and just . . . And if it was really bad . . . so bad I couldn’t control what was coming out of my mouth, anymore, I’d always end up crying for the same thing. Home. Over and over, ‘I want to go home’. Which made no sense, because I was lying in my bed in the only home I’d ever known.” I swallowed hard against ache beginning to grow at the back of my throat.

  “And then, when Kiernan . . . These last few months . . . Every time I lost control, I’d start begging for the same thing.” Taking a deep breath, I steadied my shaky voice. “But I think I understand it now. ‘Home’ isn’t a physical place. It isn’t four walls. It isn’t rooms and windows and doors. Home is where you feel safe. Somewhere you feel protected and cared for. Somewhere you feel wanted. Loved. Home was never the place I grew up in. But I finally found it . . .” Meeting Caulder’s eyes in that moment was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. “In you.”

  Anguish washed over his face as his eyes slammed closed. His mouth dropped open and a single word slipped out. Not even a whisper, it was barely a shred of sound, torn from somewhere deep inside of him. “Angel.”

  “I’m sorry, Cal.” Tears pricked my eyes at the thought of causing him that kind of pain. “I didn’t mean to—”

  “Stop.” His eyes burned into mine.

  “Cal, I never meant to—”

  “Stop talking.” He leaned across the seat, close enough that the fire in his eyes scorched me head to toe. My heart picked up a frantic rhythm.

  “Why?” The word slipped out as barely more than a fragile gasp of highly charged air.

  “Because if I don’t kiss you right this second . . .” His knuckles skimmed over the apple of my cheek, fingers tracing the shell of my ear as he tucked away an errant strand of hair. “I think I may die.”

  “But . . .” I was so confused. I knew what I wanted. What I wanted more than anything on Earth, right that moment. And I had no freaking clue why I was arguing. But . . . “You said—”

  “It doesn’t matter what I said. I’m a friggin’ idiot.” Cupping the back of my neck, Caulder hauled me closer and his lips slammed down on mine.

  It wasn’t a romantic kiss. It wasn’t the kind you read about in fairytales, filled with sweet innocence. This kiss tasted of desperation and pain and need. His mouth ravished mine with a drive to devour that I understood all too well. We clung to each other, hands fisting in hair and clothing, holding on to one another, as though we both felt the urgency to ensure nothing could ever tear us apart.

  “Oh, God.” Caulder gasped, tearing his lips from mine.

  “What? What did I do?”

  “Nothing, Angel.” He dropped his forehead to mine and shut his eyes again, his chest pressing against mine as he filled his lungs to capacity. “It feels like I can breathe again. I’ve been suffocating for so long, I almost forgot what it felt like. You say you need me, but I’m the one who can’t live without you. You’re my oxygen, Jade.”

  Burrowing deeper into Caulder’s chest, I hugged him tighter and felt him shudder in my arms.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Alternately repeating those words and pressing kisses to my hair, I didn’t know who he was apologizing to. Whether it was me, or himself, or Kiernan . . .

  I didn’t say a word. I let him get it out. Curled into him on the side of a busy road, I held onto my home. And I felt him breathe.

  Nineteen

  The Parks’ guest room was a soothing shade of pale pink. Along with the cream comforter and mint green sheets, it created a sense of tranquility. The softest mattress in the world didn’t hurt, either. Still, I lay awake until all hours of the night.

  My mother’s words blended with Michael’s. And then DJ’s, followed by Stryker’s.

  Your father’s going to be around for a while. You might as well get used to it.

  Do not make the mistake of thinking that because I donated sperm and about twenty minutes of my time to your existence that I’ll let you stand between me and what I want.

  He’s out for blood and I’m not going down for this bullshit. You better watch your back, Jade. Because he’s coming for you.

  I wasn’t lying when I told you someone was going to be made an example of.

  Let’s teach that stupid bitch a lesson she won’t never forget.

  They ran circles around my mind, bleeding into my dreams the few times I dared to seek peace in sleep.

  You’re the worst kind of rat, Jade. And you’re gonna die in the sewers with the rest of us. Who knows, maybe we’ll eat you for dinner.

  “Jade!”

  I bolted upright, sucking wind. “What?”

  My heart pounded inside my chest as I fought to control my breathing.

  Slowly, Caulder approached the side of the bed and lowered himself onto the edge of the mattress. Little by little, my brain cells started firing again and it registered that he was only wearing a pair of low slung pajama pants. And it was dark.

  “I heard screaming.”

  Screaming? “I . . . I must have had a nightmare. I didn’t even realize I’d fallen asleep.”

  “It was bound to happen sooner or later. You’ve been awake for three straight days.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I . . .”

  “Shh.” Two big hands cupped my face, his thumbs brushing smoothly across my cheeks. It was only then that I realized they were damp and that the tears were continuing to fall. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

  His touch alone sent a shudder of relief through me. “Cal . . .”

  Scooting closer, he wrapped me in his arms and pulled me against his chest. “I’m right here. You’re okay, Angel.”

  His bare skin radiated heat like a furnace. A soothing warmth that seeped inside me and eased my painfully tight muscles. “I can’t shut it off. I can’t stop thinking about—”

  “I know.” Of course he did. Because he couldn’t, either. I hadn’t woken him. He’d heard my nightmare because he’d already been awake. Caulder was a problem solver. He wouldn’t rest until we figured out a solution to my current problems—of which, there were many.

  “What are we going to do?”

  “I don’t know.” I felt my head shift with the steady rise and fall of his chest. “But I do know you have nothing to be afraid of. I won’t let anything happen to you. You’re safe here and you’re not going back there.”

  It was the same argument we’d been having for days. He really wanted to rehash it now?

  “I can’t just live in your guestroom forever.”

  “Why not?” Gentle fingers tucked the hair out of my face and he dipped his head to look at me. “No one else is using it.”

  Sleep clawed at me, threatening to drag me under again, but I was afraid of what waited for me there.

  “She’s my mother, Cal.”

  He opened his mouth to disagree—I was sure—but I waved my hand through the air, cutting him off.

  “
I know you won’t agree, but I have to give her another chance. I have to. I’m not asking you to understand it.”

  “Good, because I don’t.” He voice came out gruff, but the sorrow in his eyes told me that maybe he did. He may not have understood why—I wasn’t even sure I understood that—but he did understand how much she meant to me.

  “I have to talk to her.” I couldn’t give up. Not yet. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to give up on her.

  “Talking is fine.” Caulder’s fingers threaded through my hair, combing the strands along my back. “But you’re not going back to that apartment as long as Michael’s there. You’re not going back to that apartment, at all. If she wants you in her life, she has to cut him out. It’s as simple as that. You want to give her another chance. That’s it. She can choose. Then maybe we can find somewhere else for the two of you to live. Somewhere safe. Somewhere no one will find you.”

  ‘No one’ being drug dealers and members of the Hell Hounds MC. I was really keeping some great company these days.

  “But . . .” I was too tired to shut my eyes without falling asleep, so I kept them open and swallowed back the exhausted tears threatening to make a reappearance. “What if she doesn’t . . .?” Making Mom choose between me and Michael was a terrifying thought. “She’s all I have left. She’s all I’ve ever had. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

  “She is not all you have, Angel. Not anymore. Not ever again.”

  I put up only the barest of resistance as he laid me back on my pillow.

  “You need to rest.” His body curved perfectly around mine. Insulating me. Shielding me from whatever sought to do me harm. “I’m right here. I’ll be right beside you whenever you’re ready. I’m not going anywhere.”

  ***

  The rest of the night passed in a deep slumber. I couldn’t remember falling asleep or Caulder leaving my bed, but when I woke, sunlight was pouring in through the window, not doing nearly as good a job of warming me as he had.

  I felt like a sloth. The sleep had done me good, but I needed about three more weeks of solid shut-eye before I’d be able to function like a human being again. A shower couldn’t hurt, but before I made it to the bathroom Cal and I shared, the smell of coffee had me turning for the stairs.