by Sue Julsen
“Yeah, I got it. I just thought you’d already done her front and back.”
“Nope. Haven’t done either, and you’d better not try it! When she’s older I’ll show her those treats, but I don’t wanna hurt her, and you damn well better not either!”
“Shit, man! Glad I asked. I don’t want to be the first to take her cherry,” he lied, but seeing the fire in Daddy’s eyes, he added, “It’s just been a dream of mine for years. Every time Ellie got pregnant, I always hoped for a girl. Seeing Sarah, well…I thought my dream was gonna come true. Don’t worry; I won’t touch her that way. I know you’d kill me if I hurt her.”
The boys looked at each other, and the color drained from their faces.
“Dad, can we be excused?” Ron asked.
His brothers nodded in agreement, pushing their plates back.
“Yeah, go.”
Ellie, shocked at her husband, couldn’t sit any longer listening to them talk. She rose from the table, stated she needed to clean the kitchen, but instead, she came toward the stairs.
I jumped up, ran down the hall, and into my room before anyone saw me.
When the boys went into Ron’s room to talk amongst themselves in private, their voices startled me. I didn’t know his room was right next to mine, or that his bed and mine were against the same wall. The partition was so thin it not only allowed me to hear every word they were saying, but I could hear them breathing!
“Damn, if the brat hadn’t freaked on us, we were gonna stick it to her! Shit! Dad would’ve been so pissed!” Ron stated.
“Ron, what do you think happened?” Mitch asked. “She went from being a scared little kid into a monster-like, crazy, older person.”
“I don’t fuckin’ know! She just went ballistic!”
“Yeah, but her eyes looked so scary. And wild!” Greg exclaimed. “It scared the shit out of me!”
“Yeah, me too!” Mitch shook his head.
“Uncle Eli said he hadn’t done it cause he didn’t wanna hurt her. Do you think we would’ve hurt her?” Greg asked.
“Shit! I never done a kid before! How the fuck would I know?” Ron released an exasperated sigh.
“Yeah, but from what he said, do you think we could’ve killed her?”
“Shit, Greg! We didn’t do it, so what’s the fuckin’ use of talkin’ about it?” Ron’s pitch expressed his annoyance from all the questions he didn’t have answers for.
“What we gonna do now, Ron?”
“We’re gonna stay away from her for a while. Give all this shit time to blow over and see if she freaks again.”
“We aren’t gonna do that again, are we?” Mitch’s voice cracked. “Remember, she said she’d kill us. I believe whoever—whatever it was—would do it, too!”
I pictured Ron’s face as wheels of thought churned. I knew he had no idea what they’d witnessed, but I also knew he’d never admit to it, but he’d been scared shitless just as much as his ashen-faced brothers.
“No, we’ll just make her go down on us. That’s all we’ll do to the little brat.”
“I’m glad.” Mitch sighed with relief.
“So am I,” Greg added, taking a deep breath.
Ron gave his brothers a ravenous grin. “Hey, who wants to do me, right now?”
“I’ll do you, if Greg will do me at the same time!” Mitch laughed.
“Hell, yeah! I’ll do you, and then Ron can do me.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Ron chuckled. “Go make sure the door’s locked, Greg.”
I heard his steps crossing the room, and he said, “Yep, it’s locked…”
Music blasted through the wall….
Lying in the dark, still trying to make sense of all the things I’d heard Daddy saying at the table, I heard a light tap on my door. When I didn’t respond, the door slowly opened. I had my back to the door, but the light from the hallway showed the silhouette of my small form curled up on the farthest side of the twin bed.
“Hey, Sarah. You okay, sweetie? Are you asleep?” Ellie whispered.
“No, I’m fine.” I didn’t turn over to face her.
“I’ll bring you a plate of food later. You must be hungry.”
“No, I’m fine.”
Ellie left the door ajar, came over and sat down on the side of my bed, letting out a pitiful sigh. She said she felt sorry for me, but she was terrified of her husband and there was nothing she could do to help me. She’d been scared to death of him since the first time she’d witnessed his violent temper a month before their wedding.
She said that Frank had come unraveled at a friend who had to work and couldn’t go fishing with him. He’d gone ballistic, screaming at the top of his lungs, and kicking the passenger door of his friend’s car, leaving a big dent.
For eighteen years she’d endured his vicious temper, and his rages. When something didn’t go his way, or when she’d done or said something he didn’t like, his voice bellowed throughout the house, scornful, mocking in a sing-song demeanor every chance he had.
He’d done everything possible to degrade her. She was trapped. She said if she defied him she’d end up with more bruises, and possibly another broken arm, or worse. She was too afraid to leave; too afraid to do anything without her husband’s approval out of fear of retaliation, knowing he wouldn’t hesitate to break every bone in her body if she didn’t heed his warnings; his orders.
He’d broken her arm once already when he thought she hadn’t made the coffee strong enough. Then, there was a time when she’d burnt the bacon, and he held a knife to her throat, accusing her of trying to poison him. And, he’d beaten her black and blue after sex when he’d been too drunk to get off, blaming her; saying any street whore could do better.
She shuddered as she told me about her own bitter memories as they came rushing back. Her internal scars still frightened her as if all those things had happened yesterday. She said she felt she had to warn me…tell me she was sorry.
“Sarah, I have to warn you. My husband is coming to you tonight. I’m so sorry. I can’t do anything to stop it. I just thought I should tell you.”
“Thank you, Ellie,” I said, fighting back the tears.
“Well, I best get back before he realizes I’m not cleaning the kitchen like I said. I’ll bring some food when he isn’t looking. In case you change your mind.”
After she left, I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer, and I cried. Then, not knowing what else to do, I prayed, not expecting Him to listen, but I had to try one more time. Just in case…“God, please hear me. Please take me to live with You. I hurt so bad. Please take me tonight before he comes in. Please, help me.”
“Please, God, help us, too. We can’t take much more,” Ann’s soft voice whispered.
Things had gotten quiet in the boys room, and I fell asleep only to be awakened by Frank’s voice close to my ear telling me to wake up.
Instantly, I began floating to my safe, watchful place.
Polly tried to pull away, but Frank held her fast. He put his other hand over her mouth, saying, “Sarah, it’s okay. It’s Uncle Frank. I want you to be nice to me like you were with my boys. Will you do that for Uncle Frank?”
He told her not to scream or she’d be sorry, then he removed his hand. His breath smelled of stale liquor. Polly floated…
“Do I have a fuckin’ choice?” Jean snapped.
“Don’t get smart with me, little brat, or I’ll stick it to you tonight no matter what Eli says! So, what’s it gonna be? A fuckin’ or a suckin’?”
“Fine! I’ll suck it!” Jean’s eyes narrowed with disgust as she looked into the face that looked like Daddy. A wave of repulsion swept over her, and a feeling like a cold fist closed over her heart. Frank looked so much like the man we loved, but the scumbag who stood in front of Jean, glaring at her, we hated!
“And don’t get any smartass ideas about biting me either, or I’ll bounce your head off this fuckin’ wall!”
His face hardened and his eyes had a
crazed look as he pulled Jean to her knees. Jerking the nightgown over her head, with a forceful touch, he rubbed his callused hands all over her body, looking at her with a scathing smirk.
Petrified, Jean looked into his dark, smoldering eyes. His frigid stare said much more than his words. We all knew he’d hurt her if she defied him, and her head began spinning. Jean drifted away, letting Ann, my oldest protector, take over.
“Come on! What are you waiting for? Do it!” Frank’s voice was harsh and raspy. Ann tried to do as he’d ordered, but he was choking her! She couldn’t breathe! When she tried to pull back, he grabbed the back of her head and pulled her into his thrusts so hard it made her head throb. She clamped her eyes tightly closed to hold in her tears of sadness. Her tears of shame.
It seemed to take forever, but finally, he finished. “Oh, baby! You are good! Just like my boys and Eli said. One of these nights I’ll give you the big bone, but until then, I expect this every night. Someone has to pay for your keep!”
Then, he left. The humiliation had ended—for now.
Ann felt nauseous and ran to the bathroom. Her stomach contracted into a tight ball as she vomited, again and again. Exhausted, she climbed into bed. Facing the wall, she cried and prayed not to awaken.
But, we did wake up. God had forsaken us, again.
I stayed withdrawn and hidden in my room as much as possible during the next several weeks. When Ellie could, she’d bring me food. We knew Ellie wanted to protect me, but she was more scared of her husband than Ann and the others were of him, or their oldest son.
Over the next several weeks the boys avoided me. I suspected Uncle Frank told them to leave me alone, but as long as they didn’t bother me, I didn’t care why. I wished Uncle Frank would do the same, but every night he came to my room, smelling of stale liquor.
Luckily, I’d float away, but I felt so sorry for my protectors.
I knew they were doing what was best for me, and even though I didn’t understand how, or where they came from, I trusted Ann and the others, and felt grateful not to have to do the nightly things I watched them doing just to save me.
“We’ll make sure you never have to do these things, Sarah,” Ann’s soft, comforting voice promised.
I still wondered exactly what had scared Ron so badly that first day in the tent. I didn’t know if it had been because they thought I might’ve been dead, or just the change they witnessed when Ann took over. But, whatever it was, I wouldn’t ask. That would mean having to talk to them, and I didn’t want anything to do with Ron or his brothers!
Several weeks had passed when I heard the boys outside my door, snickering. I knew something was up, and the next afternoon Ron came into my room—uninvited—as usual.
I looked into his scowling face, and began to float to my safe place.
Of course, Ron thought he was talking to me, a scared little kid, when he ordered me to do it, or he’d kill me. He expected me to be so frightened I’d do whatever he said, but he didn’t know Jean had taken over right after he’d entered my room.
He was thrown for a loop when Jean gave him a cynical smile and said, “Go ahead. Kill me.”
Laughing, he left the room, only to come back moments later with a big serrated-edged fishing knife. “If you don’t do me, I’ll cut you into little pieces and feed you to the worms,” he threatened.
Jean had tried calling his bluff, but when he put the knife to her throat, she wasn’t sure. She felt being dead would be better than the hell the boys and Uncle Frank were putting them through, but when she felt the cold, steel blade, she lost her nerve.
She wanted to die, but not that way. She wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
Quiet. No mess. Peaceful.
Looking into Ron’s cold eyes, Jean began floating, and Scottie emerged.
Aye, I do this better than the girls, he thought, as Ron seized him with the hand that held the knife and pulled his pecker out with his free hand. Scottie hated Ron just as much as the girls and I did, but he too was terrified of the consequences of refusal, and did as Ron ordered.
When finished, Ron laughed sadistically. “Isn’t that better than getting cut, little bitch? Now, get out to the tent. My brothers are waiting.”
From that day on, every day and every night were the same. From my place of safety I watched in despair as they had to do what Ron said during the day, and what Uncle Frank said at night. What we didn’t know: Daddy stayed with Ellie while Uncle Frank came to my room.
‘Loving’…that’s what Frank called it.
Bullshit! That’s what the others called it!
We’d been living at Uncle Frank’s house a long time when Greg picked up what looked like an almond in the yard. I didn’t know what it was, but it was dirty and had little holes all over the shell. I got very, very sick after Greg forced me to eat it.
Several days passed and I still drifted in and out of consciousness. Daddy was afraid I’d die from such a high temperature, but he couldn’t take me to the hospital. He feared the cops would find us.
When I didn’t get any better Uncle Frank told Daddy of a ‘quack’ doctor who, for a couple of hundred bucks, would keep his mouth shut, and dug out the doctor’s number. After Daddy talked to the quack, he put me in the back seat of the car, and told his brother, “I don’t know if we’ll get back this way again anytime soon, but I’ll be thinking of ya.”
“Yeah, motherfucker.” Frank laughed. “Hey, take care of the kid.”
Ellie watched from the upstairs window. From comments she’d made while sneaking food into my room, I figured she’d be thinking how different Daddy and Uncle Frank were, yet so similar.
Daddy had been rough with her in bed, but he didn’t deliberately try to hurt her like her husband always had, successfully. I think she must’ve felt Daddy tried to be gentle with her, in his own way.
When Daddy backed out of the driveway, I’m sure she had mixed feelings. I knew she’d feel relief that I was finally free from her husband, but I also knew she’d be sad. With Daddy gone, Uncle Frank would take all his anguish out on her again.
I saw her wipe away tears as we drove away from the house, and for once in my life, I’d found hate in my heart. I felt more hate toward Uncle Frank and his sons than I knew was possible to feel.
I’d seen too much and, in nightmares, I’d actually felt the same gut wrenching misery my protectors had felt at the time of the abuse.
I hoped never to go back there again.
Moments before I fell back into unconsciousness, I heard Ann’s soft voice, whisper, “We too found hate, Sarah. Intense hate!”
Driving away, the others were so glad it had finally ended. Ellie had been nice to them, but she was a victim of her abusive husband, and totally helpless. Ellie had done what she could and they appreciated her for trying.
After we left, Daddy never talked about his brother again.
Ten
1957 – Washington State
I was still burning up with fever, drifting in and out, when we arrived at the doctor. For once, I didn’t feel hungry or cold. Unfortunately, I was still alive. I had my guardian angel by my side, but I gave up praying to a God who didn’t listen. He wasn’t a God for kids.
“Annie, I think we’ve lived through the worst. No one can hurt us more than Uncle Frank and his sons, eh?”
“I sure hope so, Scottie.”
Following the doctor’s wife, Daddy carried me into a room set up as an exam room, and laid me on a small table.
“The doctor will be with you in a moment, sir.”
“Please tell him to hurry!”
The woman’s soothing voice, like my guardian angel’s voice, made me feel safe, and I wanted her to come back, but the next voice I heard was the doctor.
“What seems to be the problem?” he asked.
“I don’t know, Doc. She just came down with this high fever and she won’t wake up for more than a few minutes at a time. Please help her! She’s all I have since her mother
died.”
“I’ll do what I can for her. What’s she had to eat in the last few days?”
“I really don’t know. We were staying with my brother, and his wife’s a good cook, but if she ate anything the rest of us didn’t, I don’t know what it could’ve been. No one else got sick.”
“Hum. Well, let’s have a look. Martha, can you come in here for a minute?”
“Yes, Doctor.”
Ah, the soothing voice. I tried to open my eyes, but they seemed glued shut. ‘Hey guys! I can hear you talking, but I can’t see you. I have to tell you about the seed.’
“Get some cold water and towels, Martha. We have to get this child’s temperature down, and soon. It’s a hundred and three.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
Doesn’t she ever say anything else besides yes, doctor? ‘Hey, can’t you guys hear me? I’m talking to you! Hey, listen to me! Am I invisible? Greg picked up a dirty seed from the ground and made me eat it. That’s what made me sick. The shell had little holes. Hey! Why won’t you guys listen to me?’
“She’s having a lot of rapid eye movements. Must be an involuntary response, but I wonder what she’s responding to?” Opening my left eye, the doctor shined a bright light, then moved the light back and forth several times.
Hey, Doctor! If you open my other eye, maybe I can see you. I can’t open it myself. Please open my other eye so I can see!’
“Maybe she can hear us talking and it’s our voices she’s responding to. If so, then that’s a good sign. Well, in case she can hear us, you stay and talk to her while I set up an I.V. to get that temperature down.”
“What do you want me to say to her, Doc?” Daddy asked.
“Talk about things she likes to do; things you’ve done together. Say anything to let her know she’s in good hands. I’ll be back in a minute.”
“Hey, baby. It’s Daddy. The doctor’s gonna take good care of you. When you’re better, we’re going to California. My sister lives there. You’ll like her. Her name’s Molly, and the last time I saw her she had the brightest red hair you’ve ever seen. She’s really nice, and she’d been dating a real nice guy, too. Let me see, his name…uh, it’s Frank…”
