Journey From the Summit

by Lorraine Ereira

  “Floss, I’m not going forever, I’m coming back.”

  “I know that, but anything could happen! What if you meet someone else? I just think that if we break up now, you won’t feel you are betraying me if you want to see someone else.”

  “Flossie, I’m not going for another three months. We might find that in another month we don’t feel the same way we do now. We haven’t given us a chance! What if we are meant to be together – let’s not give up on something that hasn’t even got off the ground yet!”

  I knew what he was saying made sense, but I also knew that I was already head over heels in love with him, and that my feelings for him were only going to grow. I had to go with it. I had to gamble my heart, knowing that I’d already lost it to him, and that whether I walked away now or waited until he left the country, the heartache would still hurt just as much. At least this way I had three whole months of him, whereas if I gave up now I wouldn’t even have that – what was that saying? “Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”.

  “Okay, let’s go for it, but if you break my heart I’m holding you totally responsible.” I grinned, relief washing over me that I didn’t have to pretend any more, and that I could fall into his arms again where I felt happier than any other place in the world.

  “That’s one of the things I love most about you Flossie!” Saul said as I lay against his chest. “You are totally loopy!”

  So we slipped into a happy routine of being together, enjoying every moment and not thinking about tomorrows.

  It was really hot, one of those rare summers where almost every day was spent having barbeques, pub lunches, beach parties and picnics by the river. There were parties and raves to go to most weekends, marking it in history as the second summer of love. The whole world seemed to be celebrating and for us it couldn’t be more appropriate.

  There was a craft market in our town that went on for most of July. Traders came from everywhere and set up their stalls in the high street selling colourful clothes, handmade jewellery and unusual ethnic furnishings for your home that you couldn’t find in everyday shops. Street musicians came to share their talents, drawing the crowds, making them pause in their shopping while they lost themselves for a while in the music.

  Saul and I ambled along the high street, browsing the stalls and enjoying the pleasant atmosphere. Near the bottom of the high street was a small stall run by two brothers we knew socially. They were just starting out in the jewellery business, getting their name known locally. Their selection was small, but really lovely: pretty beads made into lariats and long silver chains with unusual pendants which sparkled in the hot sun. On a little board near the back of the stall was an arrangement of pendants that caught my eye. They were made from old coins and cut into different shapes. One in particular stood out. It was fashioned into two faces that mirrored each other, one happy, one sad. A perfect balance of the emotions – the power true love has to make you feel either one to its extreme.

  “Can I see that one, Jon?” Saul asked one of the brothers, pointing to the pendant.

  Saul took it from him and fastened it around my neck, standing back to take a look. “It’s perfect!” he said smiling at me. “We’ll take it.”

  It felt like a seal of our love; I would treasure it always.

  Chapter Four

  Steve remained cold and unfriendly towards me. It was very apparent that he did not approve of me. He and Saul had obviously been a team of two ‘men behaving badly’ before I came along and ruined it all. There was an awkward and very tangible atmosphere between Steve and I, which Saul seemed powerless to change even though he and Steve clearly shared a close bond. Mostly, I wasn’t too bothered. I was so wrapped up in Saul that nothing could burst my bubble, but sometimes it seemed Steve would go out of his way to make me feel unwelcome in their house. On one occasion, when a few of us convened for a gathering there, he actually asked everyone present individually if they would like a cup of tea and purposefully missed me out. Not only did this make me feel very small, but it made Saul and everyone else feel uncomfortable too. In addition to this, there were snide comments, sarcastic remarks, and general unpleasantness. Saul and I spent less and less time at his house and more time at my place. All we really cared about was being together; it didn’t matter where that was.

  Saul’s other best friend was Adam, who he was going away with. On some level I already resented him as, although I know it wasn’t the case, I felt he was taking Saul away from me. He lived in London, so I hadn’t yet had a chance to meet him.

  One evening when I arrived at Saul’s, he took my hand and pulled me into the kitchen. “There’s someone I’d very much like you to meet,” he said excitedly. I could hear laughter even before I entered the room.

  “Adam,” said Saul, interrupting something funny he was in the middle of telling Steve. “This is Flossie,” he beamed proudly at me.

  I liked him before he even spoke. He grinned a lopsided grin at me, “So this is the reason Saul hasn’t been out of bed in the last month then,” he said good-naturedly. “We thought he had gone into summertime hibernation! No one has seen him!” he laughed. “Good to meet you at last, Flossie!” he said taking my hand.

  He was the funniest guy I had ever met. He was a natural comedian, and could barely speak without making you laugh. He was good-looking in a quirky sort of way, with a charismatic smile and an infectious laugh that accompanied most of his comical antics. Being in his company, I found it hard to resent him for taking Saul away. I could understand why Saul wanted to go away with him – there would never be a dull moment!!

  Whenever he came down to visit, we would all go out and spend long evenings being entertained by him. His girlfriend, Cathy, who also lived up in town very often came with him. Cathy was not someone I warmed to initially. She was a pretty girl with long fair hair and big green eyes, and she could turn on the charm to any male at will. However, when she wasn’t fluttering her long lashes at the opposite sex she could be pushy and crude and I often found her to be distasteful. However, we were often thrown together by circumstance, and as I got to know her more her manner softened a little at the edges, and she could be quite fun to be with.

  I wanted to throw a surprise bon voyage party for Saul. I thought it might help to dilute some of the heartache I was feeling if I could throw myself into arranging something for him. However, to do this I needed to get Steve onside! I wasn’t looking forward to broaching my idea with him, but knew that really it needed to be in his house, and I would need his help. So, one day, I went round to Saul’s early knowing he wouldn’t yet be home from work but that Steve would be in.

  “Floss,” he said gruffly as he opened the door to me. “Saul’s not home yet.”

  I stood on the doorstep feeling as if I was about to try a sales pitch on an unyielding customer.

  “Yeah, I knew he wouldn’t be back as yet, but I wanted to talk to you. Mind if I come in?” I said bravely.

  “I guess not,” he agreed reluctantly letting me in.

  I followed him into the kitchen. “Mind if I put the kettle on?” I said needing something to do to hide my nervousness.

  “No. Go ahead. So what do you want to talk about then?” he said unsmiling.

  “I want to have a party for Saul – a going away party. You are his best friend and I thought it might be nice if we did it together.” I was too afraid to look at him while I spoke, so I busied myself making tea with my back to him. I was very surprised by his response.

  “ I think that’s a great idea! We could do it here, as a surprise!” he said almost enthusiastically.

  I turned to look at him and he was smiling – not quite at me, but at the thought at least.

  We continued to chat about whom to invite – obviously Adam and Cathy were at the top of the list, and a few other close friends. Nothing big – just a small farewell gathering, but it would be fun to do. We planned a date, and discussed how we would go about letting everyon
e know without him finding out.

  I was pleasantly encouraged at having had my first proper conversation with Steve. It was as if for the duration of that conversation and those to follow about our secret plan, we were friends. I began to think that maybe this could change things between us. However, I soon realized that if we were not discussing the party or if Saul were around, he would treat me as he did before – with disdain.

  On the day of the party it had been planned that I would take Saul to the pub for an early drink, and give everyone a chance to arrive at the house. He was a little reluctant to leave the pub, wondering why I wanted to go home so early, but I said I was hungry and wanted to get some food, and that we could come back later. As it wasn’t far from the pub, he fell for this excuse and we ambled back to his house.

  The house was quiet as we walked in the door. As we approached the kitchen, I could see everyone waiting in there, through the glazed door, but Saul still hadn’t noticed. I pushed the door open,

  “Surprise!!!!” everyone shouted. Saul looked at me, and then back at everyone in the room, and to my horror he turned and fled upstairs!!

  I ran up after him. “Saul, what’s wrong?” I said finding him sitting on his bed.

  “What’s going on?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me you were doing this?”

  “Babe, it was meant to be a surprise for you!” I said, feeling confused by his reaction.

  “I hate surprises! Especially surprise parties! Oh Floss I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but I wish you had told me.”

  “Saul, I’m sorry! I had no idea; I thought it would be fun. Steve and I arranged it together – and that took some doing!!”

  He smiled then, appreciating how difficult it must have been to arrange something with Steve.

  “Come down babe,” I said to him. “Everyone is here for you. Come and have a drink.”

  “Yeah, you’re right,” he said, “sorry for being a grump!” He took my hand and we headed back downstairs.

  “Ah, here he is!” someone shouted. “Get the man a drink!” And Saul began to enjoy himself at last.

  I allowed myself to relax too and began to mingle and chat with our friends. Laughing at something someone was telling me, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

  Cathy was looking at me very directly. “Floss, can I have a word with you?” she said rather sharply.

  “Yeah, of course, you okay?” I asked.

  “In private,” she said curtly.

  I grabbed my drink and led the way through the throng of people, out into the garden. Wandering up to the very back, where no one else was around, I turned to face her, “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t believe you’ve been so thoughtless!” she said angrily. “How could you arrange a surprise leaving party for Saul and invite Adam as a guest, when he is leaving too! How do you think he feels? Being a guest at what should be his surprise party too!!”

  I looked at her in shock! I hadn’t even considered poor Adam in this. Of course we had invited him, but being so wrapped up both in my feelings about Saul’s departure and arranging the party I had totally overlooked Adam’s part in this.

  “Oh my God, Cathy! I don’t know what to say! I’m so sorry, it wasn’t intentional at all. Let me go and find Adam and try to explain!” I said turning to leave.

  But Cathy grabbed my arm, digging her fingers painfully into my flesh, “Don’t bother Flossie! You will just make him feel worse than he already does. You are so selfish. This is all about you and your poor breaking heart – no one else matters do they?” she said tossing her fair hair over her shoulder as she flounced off.

  I was dumbfounded by her attack, knowing that although she had been very harsh about it, she was right. I felt so awful. Poor Adam, I couldn’t imagine how hurt he must be feeling. As I stood there staring into the distance trying to work out what to do about it, I felt warm arms slip around my waist.

  “Flossie!” Saul breathed into my ear, “What you doing out here all alone?”

  I told him about Cathy’s dressing-down, and looked at him with tears glistening in my eyes.

  “I feel so rotten Saul. Adam must hate me, and he would have every right to!” I exclaimed.

  “Flossie, don’t be ridiculous! This is Cathy’s opinion; I bet Adam hasn’t even thought about it! Cathy is upset because you didn’t include her and Adam in this, and maybe she is justified in that, but trust me – I know Adam – he’s in there getting hammered with everyone, having a blast – he will not be brooding about whose party it is!”

  I guess I didn’t really know Adam well enough to know if Saul was just trying to make me feel better or not, so I had to trust him at his word.

  “Come on, let’s go back inside and see everyone! They have come here to party with us, not wonder where we have sneaked off to!” he said pulling me back inside.

  When we got back in, I looked around for Adam. He was at the very centre of a group of friends, who were all holding their sides laughing at something he was telling them. He caught Saul’s eye and raised his glass to him as he grinned his charming grin – that showed not a trace of anything but good-hearted humour.

  The rest of the evening passed by without incident. Steve stood up and made an amusing speech about the antics that the boys were likely to get up to on their travels, that was every bit as much about Adam as it was Saul.

  Finally came the dreaded day that they were due to leave. The pain I had feared our parting would involve was nothing to the reality of actually saying goodbye. I had tried so hard to save myself from this, but here I was having to go through it. I knew Cathy was feeling it too, and in a moment that passed between us, I knew that she had forgiven me for the party. The heartache we shared acted like a bond between us, drawing us together in mutual understanding at a time when no one else could really appreciate how hard it was to say goodbye.

  At the airport, Saul and I clung to each other, both proclaiming our love through our tears. I could feel the knot of grief in my chest clawing at my heart. I could feel the sun going out of my life.

  Then, as he turned to leave me, he tenderly lifted a strand of my hair and whispered, “Flossie, come with me. Go home, save up, and come out. I don’t want to go without you, but if I know you are coming, I will meet you, and we can travel together.”

  I raised my tear-filled eyes to his. Did he mean it? Were they just words of redemption? What about his plans with Adam?

  But I knew he did. His eyes were as full of pain as my heart. I knew he meant every word.

  With trembling fingers I reached behind my neck and unfastened my coin necklace that Saul had bought me.

  “Look after this for me Saul,” I said reaching up to do the clasp around his neck.

  He touched the coin as it lay on his collarbone, understanding that I was giving him my heart until we could be together again. “I will Flossie,” he promised me earnestly.

  I hated being away from him more than anything. My friends tried to console me, but the wound left by his absence ached excruciatingly. The only comfort I could gain any strength from were his parting words, which I clung to, to give me a focus. I could see a light at the end of the darkness. I would follow him anywhere. To be with him was all I wanted. I knew it would be a hard road, but I could think of nothing else. I had something to dilute the pain of being separated from him: the need to be re-united with him – I needed to earn as much money as I could and go and join him.

  Fortunately, a couple of weeks after Saul left, the retail company I worked for began advertising for a supervisor in their Oxford Street branch. I knew that if I could get the job it would pay me much more than if I stayed in the local branch. I applied for the transfer, and got it with immediate effect. So I needed to pack up, move out of Maddie’s messy flat and find somewhere affordable in London.

  Chapter Five

  Cathy was missing Adam too. Although we were very different, we had something very poignant in common, giving us grounds for friendship.
When I told her that Saul had asked me to come out, at first she was dubious. She was clearly besotted with Adam, and was feeling as bereft as I was. It felt good to talk to someone who really understood.

  One day, she called me at work, “I’ve been thinking about what you said Floss, about you going out to meet Saul.”

  “I know you think it was just lip service, Cathy,” I replied defensively, “but I know he meant it. You can say what you like to me, I’ve already started saving.”

  “Hang on Floss! I’ve thought about it, and I want to come with you!” She said excitedly. “I’m going to be your travelling companion, we can save up and go together!!”

  I was surprised, but I shouldn’t have been. I knew she was missing Adam terribly and actually it seemed like a great plan. Travelling alone did seem a little daunting, so it would be nice to have some company.

  I told her about my plan to move to London, to save up more quickly and she immediately suggested I move in with her.

  By the middle of November I moved up to London, to live with Cathy and her family. Cathy lived in a small characterless terraced bungalow with no front garden, with her mother and two older brothers. There were no spare bedrooms, so it meant I had to share her room. The good thing about it was that her mum, a kind-hearted lady, was very generous and hardly charged me any rent. Although it wasn’t ideal, it was within easy reach of the city, allowing me to save more towards my goal. They were a close-knit Irish family with a different approach to humour than I was used to. They all took the piss out of each other constantly, and although at times it was funny, mostly I found it hard to keep up with. In truth, although I was very grateful for having somewhere to stay in London, I found living there difficult, cooped up in a built-up concrete metropolis after the leafy green open spaces of my home town. Even living in Maddie’s untidy flat, with her dubious friends calling round seemed preferable. I felt suffocated by the proximity of everything and longed for open fields and trees. However, I would have lived anywhere if it meant that I could be with Saul sooner, so I focused on my goal, and worked all the hours I could.