“Where were you?” Declan looked particularly annoyed.
She furrowed her brow. “Why? I wasn’t gone long.”
“Just tell me.”
She walked around him and put the tailgate down. Then she carefully placed her Bible on the straw tick. Biscuits and bacon didn’t take much water, and it was too bad if they’ve had the same thing for days. They could help themselves to hardtack and dried beef. She’d made the
dough that morning. Now all she needed was to roll it out and cut the biscuits. She readied everything for cooking and then put the coffee on.
Declan hadn’t unhitched the oxen. Instead, he watched her. She wiped her brow with her sleeve and went to the front of the wagon. She’d taken care of her family oxen many times. She started unbuckling the leather lines when she felt someone behind her. She turned.
“If you’re not going to take care… Oh, Heath what do you want? Are you here to care for the oxen?”
“No. I want you to stay out of my business. I work hard and I’ll use as much water as I want. It’s not fair to Declan that he got stuck with you. He can’t even hold his head up with all the talk about you and the Indian and Tomlin. People claim to have seen you. It’s no longer a rumor. It’s fact and as soon as the baby is born we’ll all know. It’s all Zander talks about,”
She shuddered. “I’m not expecting a baby.”
“So that’s the way of it, eh?” He grunted. “Lost it in the river? Zander was right then. He thought that might happen. Is that why Eagle Nest gave you back? He wasn’t going to be a father after all? Stay out of my business.” He stormed away.
Where was Declan? She continued unyoking the oxen. It was heavy work and she was weary, but she got it done. Were they being fed? With what? There wasn’t any grass. Other women had gathered buffalo chips to make a fire with. The biggest ox, Victor, moved and knocked her down. It was the last straw. Why couldn’t she just sit and cry? Maybe she could crawl under the wagon and weep.
Zander helped her up. “You shouldn’t be around the oxen. I’ll take care of them. Are you hurt again?”
“I’m fine.” She wasn’t able to bring herself to look at him. After walking to the back of the wagon, she moved all the food aside and crawled into the back. She held her Bible to her chest and fell asleep.
“I’m telling you to get rid of her. She’s making a fool of you! You would never have allowed Alana to carry on the way Luella has.”
“I told you to let her be. She’s more child than woman, and she was never having a baby.”
“Who’d you hear that from?” Heath demanded with a harsh laugh.
“She told me,” Declan responded.
“I’m sure she did. She has you wrapped up and believing everything she says.”
She’d had enough. The moon was full, so she took a quilt and her Bible and planned to read it away from the wagon. She jumped down, grabbed up some of her things, and marched off. She felt the gazes of the others on her as she kept walking. Her father ran after her and caught her arm, hauling her backward. He shook her and raised his hand. It took most of her strength and she pulled away, crying out in pain, and continued on.
She looked for a spot where there was no wildlife around and spread out her quilt. Next, she sat down and unwrapped her bible. She ran her hand over the front of it and finally she opened it. She read until she felt a bit of peace. She closed the book and turned her face up to the heavens.
Lord I don’t think yelling and telling everyone they are wrong will do anything. I try to be a good Christian. I haven’t gone around spreading lies. I’m not sure what to do. My heart is being torn apart. Please God, forgive my sins, especially the sin that caused all the lies to be told about me. Thank you for saving me from the river. Please Lord let me know what sin I committed so I don’t do it again.
“Praying?”
She turned her head and gazed at Declan. “Yes. I asked Him to show me which sin I committed. It must have been a big one to be treated so badly. I keep thinking and thinking, but I can’t think of what I did except for jumping off the wagon. I can’t think of any big unkindness I’ve done. But I must have done something. I suppose whatever I did I didn’t know it was bad. No man has touched me so what else can it be? The reverend told me to pray on it, and his wife gave me this Bible today.”
He didn’t say anything, just stared at her.
“I know you think of me as a child, and I’m sorry I’ve been such a disappointment to you. You and my father have that in common. I practically raised my younger brothers, and I did most of the chores, but I guess that doesn’t mean I’m an adult. I never questioned myself so much before. My father would say something about chores I didn’t do correctly. I knew that I did do them the right way, so it didn’t hurt much.” She lifted her face and met his gaze. “I can’t be your wife anymore. I’ll sleep under Harrison’s wagon or, since they use their tent much of the time, maybe I can sleep in their wagon. I can work for my keep. You’d be free to find a woman of virtue and I, well I could figure out what it is about me that makes me more child than adult. Cora can tell me. I suspect I’ll be a different person by the time I get to Oregon. I don’t want to be a cause of embarrassment for you. You’re a good man, Declan, and you don’t deserve to be stuck with me.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw, but he said nothing. His quietness made her nervous.
“It’s actually very beautiful in this barren land at night. The moon looks bigger. It’s been a nice evening in that aspect. Well, should I leave the quilt for you or do you want to walk back with me?” She didn’t look at him.
He held out a hand and when she took hold of it, he helped her up. He pulled her in front of him and looked into her eyes. “I knew it had been hard on you, but I did not understand you were hurting this much. I don’t want you to change, and I don’t want you to leave. We’ll work together and make our marriage a good one. I allowed everyone else’s lies get into my head, and I’m so very sorry. I had it planned where I’d claim the child as mine and raise it as mine. I’m not stuck with you, a mhuirnín. I want to be your husband.”
She took her hand out of his and hugged her Bible and quilt to her. “You are a noble man, Declan. I don’t know how to fix any of this. I don’t have enough experience in life to know if I should go or if I should stay. There is much to admire about you, and I seem to just drag you down.” She shook her head. “I don’t know how to better myself. I don’t know how to be a woman or a wife. I’ve tried and tried and maybe I haven’t tried hard enough but I don’t know what else I can do. None of it is your fault. If not for you, well I don’t know who I might have ended up with.” She blinked twice, hard, against her tears. “I know you have great things in your future with Heath and Zander. You’ll all eventually marry and have children who will play with each other. Zander might have had it right when he gave me all those clothes to wash. People pay to have it done, so maybe I can get a job doing laundry. I can cook, clean and run a farm if necessary. Someone might find that to be an asset. I don’t mind hard work, and truthfully, the harder I work the less time I have to dwell on things that can’t be. We haven’t been talking to each other, and I don’t know what will happen between now and when we get to Oregon. I just want you to know I wish you well and I thank you for all you’ve done to help me. I’ll still do my part to get there but after I will not stay with the three of you. My heart has been shredded and I have some healing to do before I could ever trust another or allow anyone to be my friend.”
“Luella, please.”
“Declan I can’t,” she interrupted. “I just can’t. Besides, I’m waiting on God to reveal the sin I did that led me to such agony. I wouldn’t want to repeat it. I don’t want Heath or Zander to sleep under the wagon and they can eat after we are done. I can’t sit with them and break bread. I’d rather avoid them if I can. I’ll sleep in the wagon and you can have the tent. I’ll not lay there and listen to you breathe while I long for a life that will never be. I suppose
that’s the child in me; to yearn and dream. I’ll act as though all is fine. I will not shame you. Good night.”
She hurried toward the wagons with a huge lump in her throat. The tent had been put up and she took her things out of it and crawled into the wagon. If being an adult hurt so much she’d stay a child for as long as she could. Sorrow filled her as she changed into her night gown and slid under the covers. She picked up her Bible and cradled it into her arms as she prayed for sleep.
* * *
Declan ran his fingers through his hair as he sat on the trunk in the tent. What had he done? He’d never seen so much pain before. Even in Ireland the people starving worked and worked but they knew their lot in life. They knew most of them would die. Their anguish was expected and though many tears were spilt, he’d never seen grief as strong as Luella’s. It shamed him he never put a stop to the rumors. He just hoped it would all go away. He told her how much he’d loved Alana and the life they had planned, but he had never told Luella he loved her or what their future might be. He’d never thanked her for all the work she’d done every day. He admired her but had he once told her? He couldn’t remember if he had. She was his wife and he just thought she’d be by his side. He’d thought his heart would break at the river crossing, but it didn’t take long before he had once again treated her with mistrust. He swallowed hard. Hearing that she thought she’d brought all of it on herself by some sin she had yet to learn of tore at his soul. Parting from her might be in her best interest. The thought near killed him, but he had to think of her first.
He woke earlier than usual and made the fire. As quietly as he could he got out the coffee pot, coffee mill and beans. The water was down more than he would have thought. He sighed. Either Heath or Zander didn’t heed his warning or someone had helped themselves to the water. He took it from the side of the wagon and put it in the tent for now. They’d keep it in the wagon until they found more.
He cooked bacon while the camp came to life. Then he sat on a crate and waited a bit. He stood when he saw Luella and lifted her down from the back of the wagon. He kept his hands on her waist and then he kissed her cheek. She looked into his eyes and he gave her a small smile. He had to go really slow, or he’d lose her forever. Then again, he’d convinced himself to give her up the night before, hadn’t he?
“Would you like a cup of coffee?” he asked.
“I must have really overslept. I can get my own, though I do thank you for making it and breakfast—” Her eyes widened in horror. “The water barrel!” She grabbed his forearm.
He put his hand over her hard grip. “I put it in the tent.”
She stared at him, dumbfounded.
“I noticed that it was lower than it should be. I’ll not hang it on the side of the wagon again until we are able to refill it. You were right, and I should have said something on day one about how we should ration the water. I don’t know if it was Heath or Zander, or if it was someone else on the train.”
Her eyes gentled and she took her hand off his arm. “I’ve seen a few drinking the alkali water. I thought we weren’t supposed to drink it.”
“They’ll be sick, and depending on how much they drank, a person could die. I can’t wait to be done with this part of the trip. Many animals are sick too.”
“Gather round! Gather round!” Captain London yelled from the middle of the wagon circle. Someone brought out a crate and the captain stood on top of it. When a good amount of people gathered he began. “Now I’ve been encouraging you who have heavy wagons to lighten your loads. Everyone who is able is to walk. The oxen and mules are no good to us if they die. We all know to ration the water. This isn’t a vacation, people, this is life and death. Those of you who drank the alkali water will soon be feeling sick, and I know there are some that are already sick.” He gestured toward a nearby pair of oxen. “The animals will drink anything so we have to steer them clear of the alkali ponds and streams. Now pack up. We’ll stop and rest the animals a bit more today. I can’t tell you just how important it is to lighten the wagons. We will be traveling longer into the evening while it’s a little cooler if that’s possible. Then late the day after next we will reach drinkable water. Don’t panic, just be smart. Plenty of people have made it through with no problems. We are all in the same boat and we’ll all smell the same by the end of this part of the journey. Water is for drinking only. Now go get packed up and decide what you’re going to leave behind. We will be climbing all day.”
Declan liked the way Luella looked to him with trust. Her confidence somehow drove him to stand taller and square his shoulders. “We’ll be fine,” he reassured her.
“I know we will.” She beamed at him, but her smile faded as she asked, “Who is sick? I know that a bit of vinegar mixed with flour can be helpful.”
“You still want to help people who have caused you nothing but pain?” This way of thinking was foreign to him. His mother had been one to care for others, but too many people crossing his path of late had been the sort who only thought of themselves, their comforts.
“We should always try to help when we can.” Her soft words sent a wave of heat into his face.
He took her hand in his and kissed the back of it. “You’re a good woman.” He let go when they arrived at the wagon.
Heath and Zander were waiting, and both demanded the water. They had heard the same announcement he had, but they didn’t seem like they planned to heed the warnings. Shaking his head, Declan took two cups, went into the tent, and dipped water into both of them. He came back out. “This is all we have until afternoon, so I suggest you drink it and not use it to wash. Didn’t you listen to the captain just now?”
Zander stared at the ground. “We were too busy trying to decide if you both slept in the wagon since the tick is in there.”
Irritation flared. “Let me make this clear,” he said in a low voice. “There will be no more speculation about me or Luella. We have a right to our privacy. I don’t have time to wonder who slept where. There is always work to do. You both need to see to your responsibilities. What about Harrison’s animals? Are you taking care that they stay away from the bad water?”
“Yes, brother, we are. Especially after he bellowed at us yesterday about it.” He leaned forward and got in Declan’s face. “So, let me get this straight, you let her tell you what to do with the water?”
It was a struggle, but Declan managed to answer in a level but firm manner. “We discussed it together after I saw that someone was taking more than their share last night. If you want water, you need to ask for it.”
Heath clenched his teeth. “I think that trunk in there is a bit too heavy.” He reached in and pulled it out of the wagon and let it fall onto the ground. All of Luella’s things fell into the alkali-covered sand, even her Bible.
She stood horrified but never said a word. She rescued her Bible and climbed to the front bench. She sat reading as though nothing happened.
“What is wrong with you? Heath, you are acting like a bear with a thorn in its paw,” Declan hissed.
“How would you like to be the one defending your brother and his questionable wife? All day every day someone has something to say, and I’m not allowed to punch any of them in the face. My temper is hard enough to rein in. I’m tired of it. You could leave her behind instead of the trunk—or with the trunk. No woman will ever tell me how much to eat or how much water I can have. I’m a man, proud and strong. You used to be the proudest of all but look at you now. You dance to her tune, and she’s made you foolish and weak. When we get to Oregon, you go one way and I’ll go another.”
Declan stood still without saying a word. He refused to back down. He and Heath had always had their arguments but nothing like this. And why was it anyone’s business what was going on with Luella? He hurt for Luella, for Heath, and for Zander. Looking around, he saw more people watching him.
His Irish temper bubbled to the surface. “Can’t you mind your own business? Your suspicions and lies are breaki
ng my family apart, and they are all I have left in this world. Just let it be, will ya?” He righted the trunk and put his wife’s scant belongings back in it. An eagle feather fell out of one of her garments and fluttered to the ground, and he smiled. The Indians did not give such gifts lightly; they must be earned. Swift Eagle must have thought her worthy, and he was right. His wife was fine and brave.
Still grasping the eagle feather, Declan strode to the front of the wagon and peered up at his wife. He held out the feather. With a shaky smile, she took the feather in her hand and slid it inside her Bible.
“Luella, will you come down and help me?” he asked gently.
“Of course, I’ll be right there.” She accepted his helping hand down from the wagon. As he released his hands from her waist, she held onto his arms. “Thank you, Declan, for defending me.”
He smiled down at her and kissed her mouth. It was one of the sweetest kisses he’d ever had, filled with emotion of all kind. “You are worthy of that eagle feather,” he murmured. “He honored you and…” He reached into his shirt pocket. “I’d be honored if you’d wear this again.” He opened his hand to reveal her wedding ring. Nodding, she extended her hand to him, and he slipped the gold band onto her finger where it belonged. “You do me proud, grá mo chroí.” He kissed her again, hard and fast.
She laughed as she pulled away. “They’ll leave us behind, you know, if we’re not packed.”
“It might be worth it to be alone with you.” Great delight washed over him at her crimson blush.
“I doubt we’re overloaded, since we aren’t carrying as much as we were before the Platte crossing.” He studied their wagon with a critical eye. “But I’m sure the captain will be around to let us know.”
They finished eating and packing, and he was right; Captain London and his scouts went from wagon to wagon. There were many loud voices and women crying. When he reached their wagon, Captain London seemed glad to take the offered coffee and a moment to sit.
Luella’s Longing: Romance on the Oregon Trail Book Two Page 9
