He nodded briefly, keeping his eyes front. I deserved that. I’d broken a friendship, and rejected the possibility of having something more, all without giving the man in question any sort of decent explanation.
Tiny flakes of snow were just starting to drift lazily down as I ran up the stairs to my flat faster than I ever though I could move in heels. I didn’t turn as I got to the top. I didn’t want to see him drive off. Leaving. Instead I just ran inside, pushed the door closed, and leant on it. The low rumble of the engine idled for a few moments before taking the strain, and driving off. Waiting until I was safely back inside, he’d left, just as I’d wanted him to. The sound quickly got fainter and I felt like a piece of me had gone with it.
Sliding down the door, I wrapped my coat tighter around me, as though trying to warm away the misery I now felt in my very bones as I thought about the wonderful man and child I’d just successfully pushed away. It was what I wanted, wasn’t it? No more complications? Avoid the heartache – that had been the plan. So if it was such a great plan, why did I feel worse now than I ever had before?
I kicked off my shoes and slowly made my way over to my bed. Lying down, I felt tears tickle my ears as they ran horizontally down my temples. I sprawled out on my back and gave in to the knowledge that the fledgling life I’d started building here – with my family, friends, and with Cal and George – wasn’t meant to be. I should have learned by now.
The whole settling down thing wasn’t for me. I’d tried once before and it had ended painfully, not to mention publicly. What made me think this time would be any different? It wasn’t meant for me. It was meant for people like Giselle and Xander, Mum and Dad, and Dan and Claire. But the universe had other ideas for me apparently. Stick to what you’re best at, Lexi, it said. PS: this isn’t it.
I swallowed a hiccup and laid a hand on my aching ribs as the sobs subsided and I became aware of a scratching noise at the door. Rolling my legs over the side of the bed, I pulled myself up like a marionette that needed some serious restringing and padded over to the door, being careful to avoid even the minutest glance in the antique framed leaner mirror as I passed. I had a pretty good idea of just how awful I looked right now without adding definitive confirmation.
After unlocking the door, I peered out. Apollo was sat under the little porch roof staring up at me as fine snow fell silently around.
‘Hello, boy. In you come then.’ I opened the door enough for him to trot in and then closed it again, throwing the lock. Tiny flakes of snow glistened on the dog’s coat and I grabbed a towel to give him a little rub down. He made appreciative groans as I did his chin and his ears and, despite everything, I felt the faintest of smiles on my face. Resting my head against his, I sat on the floor inelegantly – one leg either side of Apollo’s warm, solid body – and cuddled him. With that innately possessed sense of knowing, the dog moved his head, resting it on my shoulder, and let out a sigh.
‘Yeah, me too, boy,’ I mumbled through the tears that were falling again. Tears for what I’d had and lost and for what I’d never have. For someone who’d spent much of her life determined not to cry in front of others, pretending everything was fine when actually all I wanted to do was bawl, I was most definitely making up for it tonight. I could get knocked flying by a Formula One car and have a bruise from ankle to hip and laugh it off, albeit somewhat painfully. But Cal Martin had left a wound I knew would take me a long time, if ever, to recover from.
Chapter Fourteen
I woke the next morning unable to move. Finally managing a wriggle, I lifted my head and looked down. Apollo was sprawled out on top of the bed, and me, with a serene look on his face, snoring gently. Dogs were definitely family in our house but they weren’t allowed on the beds, not least because with a habit of always finding the biggest pooch in the rescue centre, it left little room for the humans to whom the bed belonged. As expertly demonstrated by Apollo right now.
‘Apollo. Come on, boy, wake up.’
The dog continued to snore. I made an attempt at wiggling. He groaned, shuffled, and snored.
‘Apollo! Get off! I need a wee!’ At this, he opened his eyes, looking as bleary as I felt. ‘Seriously, boy, if that happens we’re both going to be in trouble with Mum. You’re not even supposed to be on here.’
He gave a little whine.
‘I know. My fault. I won’t tell if you don’t, so long as you get down now.’
Apollo gave a little sigh and stood up. I let out an “oof” as he stretched, putting one front paw on my stomach and arched his back down. I gritted my teeth. ‘That’s really not helping matters, dog.’
Wrapping myself in the oversized, thick fleecy dressing gown I’d found hanging new in my wardrobe when I’d got home, I opened the door ready to mooch over to the house for breakfast before work. Luckily, I wasn’t starting early today. I’d finally risked a look in the mirror when brushing my teeth and what greeted me hadn’t been good. The fine snow that had given Apollo a dusting last night had built itself up into a heavier effort overnight and a covering of white now draped itself over everything, softening edges and muffling sounds.
Yanking on my wellies, I let Apollo out and he raced down the steps, leaving paw prints in the pristine snow and then another less adorable sign of his presence. Pulling a bag out of my pocket – like any good dog owner, it was a rare piece of clothing that didn’t have a poo bag secreted in it somewhere – I tidied up and dropped the bag in the bin on my way into the house. Crossing to the sink, I washed my hands and then flopped down at the long kitchen table, it’s. pine faded and worn from many years of use and scrubbing. Mum came in from the living room and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, dropping a kiss on my cheek.
‘Morning, darling.’
‘Hi, Mum.’
She bustled about and moments later a steaming cup of tea was placed in front of me. Mum took the chair next to me.
‘What would you like for breakfast?’
I took a sip of the tea and savoured its soothing heat as it warmed its way down. ‘It’s all right. I’ll get something in a minute if I feel like it.’
‘I don’t mind doing it.’
‘I know.’
‘Actually, I’d quite like to make the most of fussing over you if you’re thinking of taking that job with the new team. You know there’s always a job here for you, if you want it. The boys say you’ve been such a help with the shop since you came home. I know it’s different but I’m just saying, the option is there if you ever fancy a change.’
‘I know. And thank you. I have actually enjoyed getting stuck in and working with them more than I thought I would. But … being a race engineer is what I know. What I’m good at.’
‘You’re allowed to be good at more than one thing, Lexi, darling. And clearly you are. I know the boys don’t say much but honestly, take it from me. You’ve made their lives a lot easier.’
‘Is that emotional blackmail?’
Mum gave a laugh. ‘No. It’s not. I just want you to know that you’re valued here. It’s not just nepotism. You’re already proving yourself a real asset to the business, so just don’t jump into anything you’re not absolutely sure of.’
I took Mum’s hand and fiddled with her engagement ring, twirling it round first one way and then the other. ‘Would you be upset if I started with another team? You know, being away a lot again and stuff?’
‘Not as upset as you are about whatever happened between you and Cal last night I’m thinking.’ I kept my head down, focused on catching the light with her diamond. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
I’d learned a long time ago not to play innocent with Mum. ‘I don’t really know.’ I leant my head on her hand and closed my eyes. ‘I know it’s the right thing to do, so why does it feel so wrong?’
‘Maybe you’re trying too hard, my love. Emotions rarely fit into boxes. You have a very logical mind. You know what goes where, and why things work on machines. But that logic just can’t be applied to
some decisions. Sometimes you just have to follow your heart.’
‘I am. Sort of.’
Mum gave me a look I’d seen on more than one occasion. Generally, when she thought I was telling porkies.
‘From the look on your face, I’d definitely say this was your logical brain sticking its nose in. Your father and I have never told you what you and your brothers should or shouldn’t do. We always thought that the best way for you to learn was to make your own mistakes. So, assuming that wasn’t going to result in anything terrible, we’ve left you to it, offering advice but never dictating. I’m your mother, and it’s hard to see you so sad like this. You’ve had enough pain and seeing you happy and relaxed again these last few weeks has been wonderful. Having bumped into Cal at the newsagent early this morning, I know for certain that you’re not the only one hurting this morning.’
‘He’ll get over it.’
‘Alexandra.’
Oh crap. Now I was in trouble. My full name only ever came out when she was serious. I sat up.
‘What?’
‘I know you’re nowhere near as callous about people’s feelings as that comment just made you sound.’
‘I’m not being callous. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant … it’s better for him that he does.’
I wrapped my hands around the mug and let its warmth filter through me.
‘So, that’s it?’
I pulled my blank stare away from the middle distance and focused back on Mum.
‘About what?’
‘About Cal. About the fact that when you’re with him you look the happiest any of us have seen you in a long time. Are you really going to just let that go because there might be bumps in the road? We both know that’s not like you, Lexi. Even when the odds are against you, you’ve never given up. If anything, it’s just made you want it even more.’
I rested my head on Mum’s shoulder. ‘Oh, Mum. I’m not afraid of bumps. I’m afraid of a bloody great roadblock.’
She wrapped her arms around me and cuddled me in, resting her head on the top of mine.
I sighed. ‘And sometimes even fighting for something doesn’t mean you can get it.’
‘That’s true. But it’s unlike you to give up on something this early. Especially something as important to you as Cal and little George clearly are.’
‘It’s better this way.’
She sat me up. ‘And how do you figure that one out?’
‘Because … it just is.’
‘I do so enjoy a well thought out argument.’ I gave Mum a look and she winked at me. Sarcasm was definitely a family trait.
‘Taking this job will be good for me, and him. I don’t want to mess up the friendships he’s finally built since moving to the village so it’s easier that way. And then I’ll be gone a lot of the time. The longer I’m out of sight, the further I’m out of his mind, and him out of mine, and he can maybe meet someone who can offer him more. Racing is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. It’s what I’m good at. I’m not good at relationships. So I should just stick with what I know I can do. And not least because it’s a whole lot less complicated.’
I was trying to sound convincing but I had a pretty good idea that it didn’t matter how far away I was from Cal Martin, he’d still be right there in my head.
‘A bit of complication is nothing when someone’s worth it. And I know that you think Cal is worth it.’
I shook my head. ‘I know you don’t really want me to take the job because it means I’ll be away a lot again but I think it’s for the best.’
‘Oh, Lexi.’ Mum rested her hands on my shoulders, gently squaring me towards her. ‘I want you to do whatever fulfils you and makes you happy. Of course I love it when you’re back and having you here has been wonderful! But if the mechanic’s job is what you want more than anything, then you should take it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t work things out with Cal as well.’ She dropped her hands to mine.
‘I wish it were that simple.’
‘Lexi, tell me what it is. There are few things that can’t be fixed if you really want them to be.’
I opened the dishwasher door and put my cup in. Closing it, I leant on the sink and looked out over the softly curving fields of white in front of me. Sheep dotted about made tiny little blips in the perfect covering as they plodded through the snow.
‘I’d thought Cal was happy with just having George. I mean, that’s the impression I’d got. Or maybe the one I’d interpreted for myself. But I’ve found out that he isn’t. He wants what we have here – what you have. And we both know that can’t be fixed however much I wish it.’
‘We don’t know that for sure, Lexi. The doctors have never said it’s impossible.’
‘Mum,’ I sighed, ‘Marco and I tried. Nothing ever happened.’
I saw the surprise in her face. ‘For how long?’
‘About a year, on and off. We were getting married anyway and we knew we both wanted children. After the accident, Marco was keen to celebrate life in every way possible. I didn’t tell you we were trying because you were already dealing with Dan and Claire, and being supportive for them. I could see how difficult it was for you two watching them struggle and I didn’t want to give you and Dad something else to worry about, especially with Dad’s heart.’
Mum swooped me into her arms, her voice thick with emotion. ‘Oh, my darling! You should have told us. There’s enough love and support in our hearts for every one of our children. I can’t bear to think of you going through all that alone.’
‘It’s OK, Mum. I’m sorry. I never meant to upset you. And I wasn’t exactly alone. Marco was there.’
‘You should have told me,’ she whispered, placing a kiss on my head. ‘Promise me you’ll never think you can’t come to us again. It doesn’t matter what else is going on. We will always be here for you. Me, your dad, and every one of your brothers.’
I nodded against her tight squeeze.
‘Promise me,’ she said again.
‘I promise.’
We stayed there for a few moments, watching the landscape outside the kitchen window. ‘I hate that I’ve upset Cal. But getting involved with someone who definitely wants more children wouldn’t be fair to them. I know that now. Relationships are hard work and adding in extra pressure just makes it harder. Honestly, Mum. It’s better this way.’
Perhaps the more often I repeated it, the more I’d believe it. Like some twisted kind of mantra.
‘Have you talked to Cal about it?’
I shook my head. ‘He doesn’t know the whole story, no.’
‘No wonder he’s upset. You know you’re the first woman he’s shown an interest in since he moved here?’
I blew out a sigh. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?’
‘I’m not on anybody’s side, darling. I don’t think there is a side in this case. You both look as miserable as one another.’
Pushing my hand back over my hair, I looked back out of the window. ‘There’s no point going through it all with him. Especially not now.’
‘Why not?’
I turned and leant on the sink. ‘Well, for one, he probably doesn’t even want to talk to me right now.’
‘No. I don’t suppose so,’ Mum said, inspecting her nails for a moment. ‘That’s probably why the first thing he did when he saw me this morning was to ask how you were.’
I swallowed, trying to process that, putting it to the corner of my mind when it proved too hard.
‘Mum, you know what he’s like. He and Marco are quite alike in a lot of ways. Definite alpha male type.’ I sighed. ‘He’ll say what Marco did. That we’ll get through it all, et cetera. But I’ve been there before. I’m not prepared to be the one to take away his dream. The one who causes him to have to explain to George why he won’t be getting the brothers and sisters he wants. It will be the same thing all over again but even worse. They’re hopeful at the beginning. Typical alpha males who think they can fix anything. Bu
t then things don’t get fixed, and things don’t go their way, and watching that hopefulness fade in someone’s eyes is just awful, especially knowing you’re the reason.’
‘Lexi, that’s not true. It’s not like you wished this on yourself.’
‘No, I know. But the result is the same.’
‘There are other options, if it doesn’t happen. You know that, and Cal is a sensible, down-to-earth boy. I’m sure he does too.’
I nodded.
‘There are always options in life, Lexi.’
‘In the end, it’s always going to be the same. I’m sorry, Mum. I know you’d prefer I stayed here and built a life like you and Dad have, but I can’t. It’s just better for everyone if I go back to what I was doing. I enjoyed it for the most part, so I think it’s best.’
Mum looked at me. ‘I’d be happy for you if I thought it was what you really wanted.’
I blew out a sigh and squared my shoulders. ‘It is, Mum,’ I said. She caught my gaze and we both knew I was lying.
***
Later that day I had a text from Cal. My tummy gave a little twisted lurch as his name popped up on the alert and I wondered how long it would be before that stopped happening. Truthfully, I knew it probably wasn’t going to be for a long while yet.
Your Jag is currently being loaded to come to workshop. Saw your mum this morning and she promised to get your dad out of the way for an hour. Will get what we can done on it and you are free to come and work on it any time if you get a moment.
After I’d basically dumped him last night, the last thing I thought he would be doing was sticking to an agreement that I knew, even if he wouldn’t admit it, would cost him money. I glanced up and pasted on a smile as the doorbell tinkled and a family got swept in through the door, along with a light dusting of snow. Looking back at my phone, I began composing a reply. Before I could send it, another text bounced in. Cal again.
PS: hope you’re OK.
I couldn’t decide whether Marco’s reaction of not talking to me for the best part of the year was easier to deal with than Cal’s calm, mature one. The emotional side of me was screaming at me that no, I definitely wasn’t OK. I’d finally found a man who, in pretty much every way, was damn near perfect for me but I couldn’t have him. I was actually nowhere near OK. And I had a feeling that “OK” wasn’t something I’d be feeling again for a while.
The Best Little Christmas Shop Page 16
