Bittersweet Always

by Ella Fields

  Daisy scoffed, and I grabbed my pajamas and a fresh pair of panties. “You wouldn’t dare.”

  “Wouldn’t I?” I asked the drawer as I closed it, then turned around.

  Her brown eyes narrowed, and I grinned, making her smile. She shook her head. “How was work?”

  “Boring but delicious.”

  Daisy’s laughter rang throughout the room, and my smile stretched wider at the sound. “You finish that paper yet?”

  “Nope.” After kicking off my shoes and socks, I made my way to the door. “I’ve got until Monday, and it’s halfway done.”

  She yawned, chucking her sketchpad down on her nightstand and flopping backward onto the bed. “I haven’t even started.”

  That didn’t surprise me. I closed the door behind me and padded down the hall. It was quiet. Most girls followed the curfew rules, especially during the week. There were a few stragglers in the bathrooms, though, and I did my best to ignore them as I washed myself under the mediocre spray of the ancient showerhead.

  Surprisingly, despite only having started at Gray Springs almost a month ago, I didn’t miss much about home. Sure, I missed my mom. Occasionally, I missed my snothead brother. But what I missed most of all? That would be a decent showerhead. One that I could remove, too.

  Don’t judge. You didn’t know life until you experienced a removable showerhead.

  “Renee, give it up already,” someone said as I shut the water off and grabbed my towel from the back of the stall door. “You know he likes playing with you.”

  “And what, I should just watch as he moves on?” someone—I was guessing Renee—retorted.

  The sink turned on then off, and I rubbed the towel over my body slowly, not wanting to listen, but … oh fine, I wanted to listen. Their fault for talking about it here. “He’s slept with how many people since you broke up?”

  Renee made a scoffing sound. “Supposedly. This is different, though.”

  The other girl was quiet for a moment, and I carefully wrapped the towel around my body. “How so? She’s probably just another girl to him.”

  “Like you were?”

  “Um, ouch. I told you I didn’t sleep with him.”

  Footsteps sounded. “No, just sucked his dick, right?”

  “You said you were over that. Besides, I was drunk as fuck.” I bit my lip to keep from laughing. “And Callum, he’s, you know, manipulative.”

  Callum? The same guy Daisy went out with last weekend. Oh, how the plot thickens.

  “I never said I was over it. I forgave you because you didn’t know any better and I have to share a dorm room with you. You may like him, but he only did it to get back at me.”

  More silence as a snort bubbled in my throat. I crept forward, trying to see them through the crack of the door, but all I could see was brief flashes of hair. One of them was bottle blond. The other a redhead. I wondered which one was which until I heard the blonde chirp, “You can be such a bitch. Like that’s the only reason he’d want anything to do with me.”

  The redhead laughed, a bitter sounding rasp as she walked to the door. “Well, you didn’t get anything out of it, did you?”

  The blonde huffed and grumbled something that sounded like, “Fucking bitch,” under her breath before following her out.

  Freedom at last. Not that I was sad to see them go. That was actually quite interesting.

  I got dressed and brushed my teeth, pondering whether I should tell Daisy this newfound information.

  Remembering the mess she’d been over Quinn, her ex, had me deciding against it, though. She was finally smiling again. And hell, Callum could be a douche, but I’d keep an eye on it. The main thing was, she was taking the right steps.

  And after all she’d been through, I was just glad she was taking them.

  I liked to consider myself a pretty laid-back guy.

  Fuck it. Okay, so I most definitely wasn’t. But I said I liked to consider it because shit, that’d be nice. But some things—okay, a lot of things—got on my last fucking nerve.

  Like when the Packers beat the Bears last weekend. Now that? Fuck. Yeah, that messed me up. Chalk it up to loving the game a bit too hard, but nevertheless, it happened.

  And I’m still getting over it.

  So when my dad said to me, “Chill. I can maybe talk to Coach, explain some things,” I almost lost my shit.

  Chill. Wasn’t I already chill? I hadn’t gotten worked up. Yet. But in the eyes of my father, the guy who knew me best, I guess he had a point.

  Still made my teeth grit and my fist clench around my phone as I shoved it between my shoulder and ear. At least let me almost explode before you tell me to chill. He should’ve known better.

  “You can’t fix everything, Dad. I got myself into this mess, and I wanna get out of it the right way.”

  His sigh was long and all-knowing. “Toby.”

  “Dad,” I countered, flipping my teammate, Burrows, the bird as I slung my bag over my shoulder on my way out of the gym locker room.

  “You might make it worse.”

  “You could give me some credit. I’m trying to do the adult thing here.” I rummaged in my bag’s side pocket for my car keys. “You know, do stuff myself.”

  “Did he say it was a definite no?”

  “He hasn’t said anything yet. That’s what’s eating at me.”

  I got into a brawl during the play-offs last season. Coach wasn’t sure whether I would keep my place on the team afterward, but I knew I was on probation. Which I hated but begrudgingly accepted.

  Gray Springs had a strict no-bullshit policy. One strike and you’re out. Scholarship gone. Career potentially over.

  I’d already heard the speech from Dad after it happened. Yes, I knew I wasn’t in high school anymore. Yes, I knew this was something to take seriously now. In all honesty, I just couldn’t help it.

  I could get mad. Like anyone, I could get really fucking mad. But sometimes, well, it consumed me in a way that ruined things.

  “Well, just wait it out.”

  “I am.” I tried not to roll my eyes as I walked through the gym. “There isn’t much else you or I can do.”

  “I could …”

  “Dad,” I hissed. “I get it; you’re only trying to help. But fuck, I can’t let you bail me out every god damned time I mess up.”

  He was quiet as I walked out into the late afternoon sunshine. “You played well in the preseason and last weekend.”

  I knew I did. If he wasn’t working, Dad tried to attend as many games as he could. “Yeah, I did.” My chest ballooned with pride and a little more confidence.

  “Right. Let’s hope he considers what a loss it’d be for the team then.” He let out an exasperated sound. “I’d say to call me if you need me, but I know you won’t.”

  He was full of shit. I called my dad probably more than any other fucker on this campus called their parents. Well, besides Quinn. He was a straight-up mama’s boy, that one. I didn’t give him shit for it, though. If my mom had stuck around, I might’ve turned out the same. “I will. Just not about this.”

  “Message received.” He laughed. “Stay out of trouble.”

  Smiling, I hung up, tossing my phone and bag into the car.

  “Yo, Hawthorne!” Paul’s voice boomed from behind me. I climbed into my Dodge as he jogged across the lot. “You hitting the party tonight?”

  “The frat party?” I scrunched my nose, turning over the ignition. “Dunno. You?”

  “Yeah. You should come. Burrows will buy.”

  Taking a second, I thought about it. Some of the guys on the team were members, so it wouldn’t be completely shit. “Maybe.”

  Paul tapped the roof when I moved to shut the door. “What’s the deal? I’m guessing you’re staying on the team?”

  “For now, I suppose. He hasn’t really given me an answer, other than letting me play.”

  “He’s a stubborn asshole like that.”

  He was, but it worked. We’d alre
ady won both our preseason and starting game. Paul lifted his shirt, scratching at his stomach. “What?” I asked, wanting to get out of there. I needed something to eat, stat.

  “You gonna see that Wendy chick again?”

  Wendy? I tried to rack my brain for … oh. “The one I hooked up with at the start of the year?”

  He shrugged. “Just thought I’d check.”

  “You don’t need to worry about bro code with me, dude.” I laughed, shutting the door and winding the window down manually. Old car, loads of class, but the kind that made you work for it. “Have fun with that but watch your ass; she likes to keep her heels on.”

  Paul grinned, flicking his hand at me before swaggering over to his truck.

  I was still laughing as I pulled into the driveway of the townhouse I lived in just off campus. It had belonged to my uncle, who used to work as a history professor at Gray Springs. When he died, he left it to my dad in his will, who decided to keep it. At least until I finished college.

  I lived here on my own freshman year, but this year, I offered for my friend and teammate Quinn to move in. I didn’t like the idea of cleaning up someone else’s mess, but I didn’t like the idea of only having me and my thoughts for company either. Quinn seemed like the safest option compared to my other friends, and so far, it was going all right.

  After dumping my gear upstairs in my room, I ran back down to the kitchen, shaking off the laughter from my conversation with Paul. It wasn’t really all that funny. And I had nothing against getting serious with someone. I just … worried. Worried all the fucking time really. And I doubted anyone out there would be able to deal with that, or me, on a full-time basis.

  In any case, I hadn’t found someone I wanted enough to saddle them with my bullshit.

  Probably for the best, I surmised as I threw a packet of pasta onto the counter and filled a pot with water.

  The fire was blazing even though it wasn’t cold enough for one. The beers were flowing, and the chicks were arriving in droves.

  And I was bored as fuck.

  “The guy looked like a fucking jackrabbit, pumping that shit like he was a born-again virgin,” Burrows cackled out, beer spilling over the rim of his cup.

  “Get fucked. You serious?” Paul asked, leaning forward in his chair.

  Burrows threw his arms out, spilling even more beer. “Yeah man, I swear to God. Let me show you.”

  He dropped his cup on the grass and began dry humping the air like the idiot he was. After several thrusts, he made a strangled sound, then moaned in a high-pitched voice, “Oh, shit. That wasn’t supposed to happen yet.”

  Everyone laughed, including myself.

  “You were probably no different when you first got laid,” Quinn said from across the fire.

  “True,” Burrows acquiesced. “I probably didn’t even last that long.” He shrugged, bending down to see if any of his beer was salvageable. “Difference is”—he straightened—“Gregson is a known motherfucking pussy chaser. Dude should have some serious stamina and at least a small shred of finesse.”

  “The hell were you doing watching them anyway?” Quinn asked with a brow raised and a smirk on his face.

  Burrows paused, then jerked a shoulder. “It was like a car wreck, man. Couldn’t look away. And hey, free porn is free porn.”

  “You’re fucked,” I laughed out.

  He jabbed a finger at me, swaggering over to likely rip on me next when Ray appeared behind him with a girl under each arm. One of them looked pissed as hell, trying to shove his arm off her. The other just looked confused.

  “Ray, where the hell did you find them?” I asked, for the pure fact that they both looked like they were stunned stupid by their surroundings.

  “They just walked on out here,” Ray replied. “My lucky night.”

  Paul scoffed. “Yeah fucking right. Who are they?”

  “Two freshman chicks,” Ray slurred. “I’m guessing so anyway. Haven’t seen these ones yet.”

  The brunette finally shoved his arm off, and struck stupid, I couldn’t look away.

  Paul asked what their names were, but I didn’t catch their responses. My eyes were too busy feasting on those long legs, the curves tastefully displayed beneath her dress, and the wild look in those green eyes.

  Her. Who was she? Better yet, why the hell hadn’t I seen her before? Surely, I’d remember.

  My dad said there are moments in your life that simply smack you upside the head. Sometimes, it was the universe trying to tell you something. Or sometimes, you’d just been a dipshit who’d walked into something. Or maybe, just maybe, you’d been hit with a dose of knowing.

  Knowing, as he called it, was when you felt it. A shift in the air that sent a prickle over your skin or electricity dancing inside your gut.

  Trust it, he’d said. It’s telling you something.

  It was something I’d only ever experienced on the field, or that one time I slowed down on the highway near home for no reason, only to see a wreck just over the crest of the hill and manage to pull over in time.

  Right now, I had no idea what those sensations were telling me, but fuck, I felt them. My stomach bubbled weirdly. As if I’d emptied a bottle of soda into it and it was still fizzing. My hands felt a little clammy around my beer, and I shivered as if the breeze that just washed over me was icy instead of cool.

  It only intensified when her green eyes finally met mine. They flared slightly, and though it was dark out, I saw her chest rise with her quick intake of breath.

  “Get your mouth off, Henderson. That blonde is the one Welsh has been trying to get with.”

  Green eyes disconnected from mine at the sound of Ed’s voice.

  “The fuck?” Paul spewed. “Welsh! Where are you, motherfucker?”

  I didn’t know what I had to do to make it happen, but I knew I needed those eyes on me again. Knew it in a way that made my muscles tense as she surveyed the other guys and some of the girls around the fire.

  “He’s inside. With Renee,” Quinn said.

  Only when the blonde stepped forward did I finally look away. “Quinn?”

  “Hey, Dais,” Quinn said, kind of sheepishly.

  What the …? The gears in my head started turning.

  “Oh, great. Let’s go, Daisy,” the brunette said, causing my gaze to land on her again. She tugged at Daisy’s hand, but the girl wouldn’t budge.

  Huh. “You two know each other?” I asked, knowing full well they probably did.

  “They used to,” the brunette said. “He’s now going out with her ex-best friend.” Daisy glared at her, and she shrugged. “Sorry. But it’s true.”

  Taking the in, and because I’m nosy as fuck, I said, “No shit.” Looking over at Quinn, I whistled low. “You pull a swifty on this beautiful girl, Burnell?”

  “Shut up, Toby. You don’t know shit.” Quinn’s jaw was clenched, but his eyes said it all. This was her. Despite having a girlfriend, the guy always looked like he was missing something.

  I loved a good puzzle.

  Chuckling, I swung my gaze back to the girls. “Oh, but I think I do. Want to join us, ladies?”

  “No, we should probably go,” Daisy said, but my focus was stuck on her friend again.

  “What’s your name?” I all but hurled the question at her.

  “None of your concern.”

  I smirked knowingly. Her voice said one thing while her eyes said another.

  She grabbed Daisy and headed for the back door. I watched her hips sway slightly, ignoring the urge that had my blood pumping faster and whooshing in my ears. The urge to chase. To find out why this feeling disappeared when she stepped out of view.

  Fuck me. I slouched back in my chair.

  Maybe I needed to get laid. It’d been a week. Not that I couldn’t go longer than that, but I was unaccustomed to these feelings careening through me.

  “She seems like a spitfire,” Burrows said, walking over to take a seat next to me with a fresh beer.


  “Yeah,” I said absentmindedly; my eyes stuck on the last place I saw her.

  My brain worked in messed-up ways, and I knew that. But I had to admit that this was weird even for me. I probably just really wanted to get beneath that dress of hers. Though I had a suspicion that one time might not be enough.

  “I’m outta here.” Quinn got up, rubbing his face, then made a hasty exit to the door.

  He seemed a little shell-shocked, and I kind of felt the same way. “Wait up, I’ll come with.”

  “What the fuck? You guys are a bunch of pussies!” Ed yelled to our backs as we made our way inside.

  The grass was rough and cool beneath my arms and legs. I moved them as if I were lying in the snow, trying to create a snow angel. It tickled, and I briefly wondered about all the bugs hiding below, deep in the earth, but I was too tired to move.

  “What an adventure,” Daisy murmured next to me.

  We’d gotten drunk in our dorm room, and somehow wound up here. Well, technically, we were at some party first. “Yup.”

  Piercing blue eyes danced behind my closed lids. I opened them, and the blue dissipated at the memory of Callum walking downstairs with Renee. Maybe he was a douche then. “You okay about Callum?”

  After only one date, I didn’t think she had any feelings for the guy, but still, it had to sting.

  Daisy was slow to respond. “I think I’m too drunk to care.”

  The clouds crept past the moon, and my limbs felt sluggish. I wondered how exactly we made the decision to come here, and when or how we might make it home. “Maybe we should sleep here.”

  “I’m good with that,” Daisy said.

  “I don’t think so.” A deep voice sounded from above us.

  Quinn. Great. Just fucking great. No more vodka for us.

  “What are you doing in the sky?” Daisy asked airily.

  “Come on. I’ll take you home.”

  That made me sit up. “Oh no, you won’t.” Shit, too fast. Everything twirled.

  “Hawthorne!” Quinn called out. “You coming?”

  When my vision righted itself, I looked up, colliding with blue once again. That Toby guy.