Bittersweet Always
Page 7
A laugh rumbled out from deep in my stomach as he smeared ice cream over my lips before shutting me up with his mouth.
Toby: Come over?
A smile was quick to arrive as I read his text.
Remembering the way he watched me at the diner, the way his eyes surveyed my every move, made me feel both hot and cold. Like I couldn’t control my body temperature.
Kissing Toby felt like more than kissing. It felt like I was being burned, slowly incinerated until I thought I’d burst.
He’d texted me since, asking to see me again, and even joined me in a Words with Friends game. Yesterday, I caved, allowing him to walk me home from the library. He’d been in a team meeting while texting me to say he was bored. We met after, and he walked me home. I didn’t let him come in, and he didn’t fight me on it, just kissed me senseless before walking into the fading sunlight.
It was past time to admit that yes, I liked him. Liked him in a way that made my stomach tremble and my heart quake with uncertainty. Liked him in a way that made me reconsider the word like.
It felt too insignificant a word.
Another message came through.
Toby: Your read receipts are on. Just sayin’.
Laughing, I typed out a reply.
Me: I was thinking about it.
Toby: Too much thinking isn’t good for you. Trust me. Bring Daisy if it helps. We’ll watch a movie.
Frowning yet still smiling, I contemplated it. Only for a second, though. Trying to stop Toby Hawthorne from getting what he wanted felt like a game of cat and mouse. We could race around in circles, but we knew the result would still be the same.
Especially when I wanted to see him.
Really, really wanted to.
Looking over at Daisy, who was studying, I asked, “Wanna come to the townhouse?”
The look on her face when she glanced at me was comical. “As in Quinn and Toby’s townhouse?”
I bounced my head from side to side, cringing a little. “Yeah, that one.”
She squinted. “You really must like him to ask that of me.”
“You don’t have to.”
I tossed a pillow at her, and she gasped. “You’re asking me to be a third wheel.”
“Quinn will be there.”
“Your argument isn’t getting any more convincing.”
I knew she and Quinn still had some serious tension. The kind that was bound to bubble and explode at any moment, and maybe that was why she hesitated. I didn’t like what the dude had done, but I wanted to see Toby, and I knew Quinn, in some fucked up way, would want to see Daisy.
Still, if she got hurt again … no, I couldn’t do that to her. “Never mind. It was a stupid idea.”
I started typing out a response to Toby when Daisy sighed. “You’re not going to go over there without me, are you?”
I would, but I’d prefer not to. I was worried I’d do something I might not be ready for. “I think I might.”
She scratched her cheek. “Maybe Quinn won’t even be home.”
“Want me to ask?”
“Yeah,” she said. I quickly typed out a text, hitting send as soon as she said, “Wait, no. Because Toby might tell him we asked and then—”
“Too late.”
She groaned, diving down onto her pillow. “Why, why, why.”
“You really don’t have to come. And hey, give me my pillow back.”
Grabbing it, she shoved it under her head.
“Oh, hell no.” I got up, tugging it back and putting it on my bed as she laughed.
My phone pinged.
Toby: Don’t think he’s home.
Me: See you soon.
“He said he’s not home.” I tossed my phone into my purse and looked for my bra.
Unless he cleaned before our arrival, Toby was true to his word about being a neat freak.
Inspecting the living room for the second time, this time completely sober, I found it bare of anything except for an entertainment unit, a huge flat screen, and the large brown suede sectional.
No pictures. Though, there were a few black throw cushions and coasters on the coffee table.
“Um, so Quinn is home,” Toby said, rubbing a hand over his brow as he followed us into the room.
Daisy turned to me with a look that had me wincing. “Sorry.”
Her shoulders slumped, and she folded herself into the couch with her sketch pad.
Feeling bad, I looked at Toby, finding his eyes already on me. My pulse skittered, and I blurted, “Are we watching a movie?”
Taking a step closer, he curled a strand of hair behind my ear, causing goose bumps to rise from the feather-soft touch. “Yeah,” he said. “We can watch a movie.”
I sat on the couch as he got it ready. “Back in a sec.” He left the room, returning a few minutes later with a bowl of popcorn.
Quinn showed himself a moment later, sitting down quietly beside Daisy.
“Hey, asshole.”
Despite my comment and the tension between them, it thankfully wasn’t awkward. Though I probably wouldn’t even be aware if it was.
I had no idea what we were watching. I was too busy tossing popcorn into my mouth as Toby played with my hair.
I felt relaxed. Sleepy even. Like I could drop my head to his shoulder and pass out in an instant.
I didn’t find that strange. What I found strange was feeling like I could be anywhere in the world, and I’d still feel this content, this at peace, so long as he was beside me.
When things started getting too violent on screen, Daisy went outside, and Quinn had disappeared to take a call.
“Thank fuck,” Toby said, then he was turning my chin and planting his lips on mine.
Slightly startled, I gasped into his mouth. He used it to his advantage, sliding his tongue between my lips to meet mine.
And just like the last time he kissed me, my heart skidded to a halt, then raced, pounding so hard I thought the whole world could hear it.
The almost empty bowl of popcorn fell, and my arms found their way around his neck, nails and fingertips skating down his nape and making him groan.
Footsteps sounded, then disappeared, but we didn’t stop. He pressed me closer, encouraging me without words to climb onto his lap. As soon as I did, his hands climbed up my shirt, and I dissolved into his hard body, feeling him between my spread thighs.
The rough pads of his fingers floated slowly down my spine. So deliciously slow. When they met my hips, he squeezed, then started rocking me over him.
Teeth nipped at my lower lip, and my hands became greedy, running through his thick, dark hair. Peeking my eyes open, I found him watching me and squirmed at the storm surging in his eyes. “I don’t think I’ve dry humped since the eleventh grade.”
A hoarse laugh sputtered out of me. “Me neither.”
He frowned, clearly displeased by what I said. I cut off anything else he was about to say by sinking my tongue inside his mouth.
His arms became vices around me, my breasts pressing into his chest as our tongues and teeth got rougher, deeper, hungrier.
“More,” he murmured, sucking my lip hard.
My body was agreeing, but my head said to wake up. Daisy was here. Probably stuck somewhere with an ex-boyfriend who she was still very much in love with.
I couldn’t do that to her. Bringing her here was already bad enough.
Loosening my grip on his hair, I kissed him softly, whispering into his ear, “Not yet.”
His growl was dark and caused my hands to tremble.
Time to go.
Pushing off him, I righted my shirt then began picking pieces of popcorn up from the floor. “Pip-squeak,” he said, laughter coating his voice.
“Don’t call me that.” I kept cleaning, picking tiny kernel pieces from the carpet.
Fingers under my chin had my eyes snapping upward, colliding with amused blue ones. “Leave it.”
Wrinkling my nose, I shook my head and kept going. “Almost do
ne.”
His hand grabbed mine, pulling me to my feet. “Come on. You better go.”
Something panged in my chest. “Okay then.”
Grabbing my cheeks, he slid his thumbs over them. “Because if you don’t, I’ll drag you upstairs. Or to the laundry room or bathroom. I’m not picky.” Most likely feeling the heat infusing my cheeks, he chuckled, pecking me on the nose. “I’ll walk you ladies back.”
We collected a confused looking Daisy from Quinn and walked back to campus. He didn’t say much as we walked, but he held my hand the whole way, fingers laced with mine.
And that simple touch felt more important than any conversation we could’ve had at that point.
An hour after we’d returned home, I came back from the bathroom to find Daisy already asleep and a sheet of paper resting on my pillow.
After locking the door, I climbed under the covers and stared down at the portrait she’d drawn of Toby and me. My finger traced it, trying to find space between our connected bodies where we sat against each other on his couch with the bowl of popcorn on my lap.
There was none.
And that simple, noticeable fact had me feeling lightheaded with happiness.
The steam from the shower fogged the mirrors.
I wrapped a towel around my waist before running a hand over the condensation. Swiping my damp palm over the coarse fabric of the towel, I stared at my reflection for a moment before opening the cabinet.
Three pill bottles stared back at me, ranging from antipsychotics to antidepressants. A film of dust layered the caps and packaging.
Heaving out a weary breath, I grabbed my deodorant and slammed the cabinet shut.
I hadn’t thought about taking those pills since I arrived here at Gray Springs. So why I was even looking at them now was beyond me.
I brushed, flossed, and shaved before heading to my room to dress and grab my gym bag.
Dawn was peeking through the wooden slats of the venetian blinds. My bones felt brittle. My head heavy as I stared at my freshly made bed with too much longing.
Not now.
I dragged myself downstairs where I found Quinn already preparing a protein shake in the kitchen. “Don’t worry, I’ll clean the blender afterward.”
I grunted, for once not really giving a shit.
He poured the creamy contents into two travel cups, glancing at me when done. “You okay?”
“Yeah, fine.” I took the cup, sliding it across the counter and putting the cap on. “Thanks, we’d better go.”
I started walking out of the kitchen. It was five forty a.m., and we needed to get our asses moving.
“Seriously,” Quinn said, “you look really tired.”
I was, but I didn’t tell him that. “Dude, shouldn’t I be the one asking you this shit?” Spinning, I caught his gaze and plastered on a grin. “I mean, what are you going to do about your predicament?”
By the way his jaw clenched, he knew exactly what I was talking about. “I’ll … I don’t know. I’m trying to figure it out.”
He’d been quieter since Daisy came over with Pippa. “Well, I wouldn’t take too long if I were you.”
“Noted,” he said dryly.
Guilt gnawed tiny teeth into my gut over distracting him with his own problems, but I ignored it.
If one thing could be said about Quinn, it was that he was good to his very core. That he was in a situation like this, stuck between two girls, had to be doing a number on him. There was no easy way out of that fucked-up triangle.
Physiology should’ve interested me, and in fact, I’d chosen the course with good intentions. Those good intentions fled within the first week of the semester, and now I was dutifully taking notes yet fucking bored out of my damn mind.
I liked learning. In fact, if it weren’t for growing up with a football in my hand eighty percent of the time, I’d probably have been dubbed the stupid title of nerd.
“Toby,” someone whispered beside me.
“Hmm?” I asked, not taking my eyes from the intricate sketch I was doodling. A pair of puffy, kiss-swollen lips.
Soft giggling met my ear, and my eyes shot over, finding Tina. “You free tonight?”
“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” Never mind the fact I was very much not interested. I mean, Tina was gorgeous and all, but she always bragged about her Brown-attending, fraternity-loving boyfriend whenever she had the chance.
Her teeth punctured her lip, and I frowned, shifting back in my seat. “Things aren’t, you know, going so great.”
“So the logical thing would be to make things worse, right?”
Her scowl was a little funny, but I bit my tongue. “No need to be an ass. God.” She shook her head, her honey-colored hair not even moving. “I thought you were nice.” I inspected it a little more, realizing why. Hairspray. Why use hairspray when you’re only going to class?
It smelled funny, felt sticky, and it was fucking flammable.
Blinking, I tried to shut my brain up. “I’m not trying to be an ass. Just merely trying to help you out here by stating the obvious.”
Her smile should’ve made me feel relieved I hadn’t offended her, but it didn’t. After a quick glance at the professor, who was almost yelling at his desk of notes, she whispered, “I think maybe I need a reminder that there are good guys out there. Ones who don’t keep you hanging on while they’re doing whatever they want two states away.”
Oh, fuck no. I wasn’t her friend. I’d barely said two words to her before, but I could see clear as day exactly what’d happen. We’d fuck, she’d cry, then she’d use me as a therapist, telling me all about her and her boyfriend’s issues. No fucking thank you.
Besides, the only person I wanted inside of was Pippa. Strange occurrence, but nevertheless, it was true. “I’m taken.”
Forget the fact I wasn’t exactly sure it was true. It felt true. And so I promptly turned my head back to the screen, picking up my pen as my mind cleared, and my chest filled with something indescribable. Pride? No, happiness.
I was happy. Something I didn’t expect to feel after waking up as low as I did this morning. And no little honey-haired lady with too much hairspray would take that from me.
“You’re joking, right?” Tina said as we packed away our notebooks twenty minutes later.
“About what?” I asked, trying to find my black pen. I could’ve sworn it was here a minute ago. I looked around the aisle, spying it on the floor and bending over.
Something smacked my ass. My hand gripped the pen, the plastic creaking as I straightened and saw Ed climb over the row of seats. “Sup. Tina, right?”
“Right. Hi,” she said.
“Did you for real just smack my ass?” I tossed my pen into my backpack with my notebook.
Grinning, Ed shrugged. “You coming to the Bean Stream tonight?”
“The coffee joint?” I shouldered my bag. “Why would I?”
“Open mic night. Robbo’s playing. Apparently, he’s the next Ed Sheeran.” Ed waggled his brows at Tina. “My name’s Ed, too. Eat your heart out.”
“No shit?” My eyes widened. “I think I’ll still pass.”
Tina still hadn’t moved, her eyes huge, jumping back and forth between us.
“Did you know he’s got a girlfriend now?” Tina blurted at Ed.
Not that it was any of his business, but I didn’t deny or confirm. I just shrugged and skirted past them, Tina’s hairspray and perfume filling my nostrils and making me want to sneeze.
“Wait a damn minute,” Ed said. “You’re dating that brunette now?”
Stopping on the stairs, I looked back. “Trying to. And hey, Tina’s looking for some fun.”
Her face turned beet red, and I barely suppressed my laughter as Ed eyed her up and down.
That’ll teach her to butt her perky little nose into other people’s business.
Outside, the sun tried to overcome the shade created by the gray clouds as I made my way to the other side of campus.
Would he be happy? No, don’t be stupid. He’d be ecstatic.
But technically, was she even mine?
My throat closed a little, and I stopped beside a maple tree outside the English building, watching the students file out as my mind ran rampant.
Nothing ever really belonged to you. People had a way of leaving or letting you down. Here one day, gone the next.
My heartrate climbed higher, my hands starting to itch.
What had I done?
Had I set myself up for disappointment or, worse, heartbreak?
What have you done?
A body collided with mine, arms looping around my neck. It took me a delayed heartbeat to register that smell. Minty and fresh. Pippa.
My arms locked around her waist, and I stared down at her as she pulled back to look up at me. Her eyes glittered, her cheeks stretched wide with her happiness. “Hi.”
The shadows fled, and I smiled back. “Hey.”
The professor excused himself to talk with a colleague who’d entered the lecture hall.
“Hello.” I kept looking forward, unaware if whoever said that was talking to me and not really caring.
“Psst,” they hissed, followed by something landing on my desk.
A bobby pin.
Finally, I turned, locking eyes with another pair of green ones. Renee. “May I help you?”
I had no beef with the girl, but I had no patience for any drama she might want to cause.
“You’re friends with the blonde?” Yep. Here we go, I thought. I raised one brow, and she half rolled her eyes. “No need to get defensive. I’m just asking some questions here.”
That and her sugary sweet tone pulled my spine straight. “Correction. You’ve asked a question. One that has to do with my friend.” Eyeing her expensive sweater, I huffed quietly. Designer, presumably. The trust fund types were easy to spot at times. No wonder she and Callum had been a thing. I bet they once wore matching Rolexes with one another’s names engraved on them.