Bittersweet Always

by Ella Fields

  A crazed laugh erupted from me, and then the tears came when I realized what it meant. What the state of this room and the feeling of something slowly rupturing in my chest meant.

  He was gone.

  In a daze, I walked downstairs and back outside, the wind drying the wetness on my cheeks.

  The neighbor was still there, and I paused in the driveway. “Excuse me? Hi.”

  He looked over; he was young, maybe around our age. “Uh, hi.” Squinting, he studied me as he wound up a garden hose. “Everything okay?”

  Everything was not okay.

  Everything was so far from okay I felt like I might be sick.

  Forcing a wobbly smile, I nodded. “Did you see someone leave here?”

  “Toby?” he asked.

  Guess they knew each other’s names. “Yeah.”

  He glanced at the front door, which I’d locked and shut behind me. “I think I heard his car leave a few hours ago maybe? Not quite sure.”

  He wasn’t outside when he left then. “Right. Okay.” I kept walking, calling out a quiet thank you.

  Our room was quiet and too damn bright. Daisy wouldn’t be back until tomorrow.

  The thought made me panic briefly before I remembered she couldn’t do anything either. Quinn, though? He could try to call him.

  Despite knowing his phone was off, I tried calling him one more time before admitting what I almost couldn’t bear to.

  Not only had he left, but he’d left me behind, too.

  Heartbreak bleeds into almost everything, turning what was once vivid and glossy to dark and flat.

  Which was funny, considering I didn’t even realize I was in love.

  Of course, the first time I fell in love, I didn’t realize until it was too late.

  Ain’t life fun like that?

  My mom called me a dozen times, wondering why I hadn’t called her over Thanksgiving. And when I finally answered, I couldn’t tell her for fear of breaking down into a sobbing mess all over again.

  So I lied and said I had to study too much. Which was really only a half lie.

  When exams arrived, I managed okay. But it was like half of me wasn’t there. As though I had to drag her sulking ass around with me while she kicked and screamed.

  The sun continued to rise and set, and I wished I could hide beneath the comfort of my blankets, but life had a way of fucking with your heart’s desire. Finals were coming to an end, and I needed money.

  I was halfway through my first shift after taking some time off when they walked in.

  My teeth snapped together, but I maneuvered a smile into place. “Hi. What would you like?”

  Burrows, I think his name was, scratched at his chin. “We didn’t come here for, ah, any ice cream and shit.”

  When he just stared at me, his brown eyes pinging between mine, another guy whacked him across the back of the head. “Ow, shit. What was that for?”

  “For taking too damn long. Get outta the way.” A guy with mocha skin pushed him aside and held his hand out over the counter. “Paul. I think we’ve met but not officially.”

  Hesitantly, I reached over, letting him take my small hand in his large, warm one. He gently shook it, and I pulled mine back. “Right. Well, not to be rude, but what do you want?”

  Quinn walked in a minute later, looking like he’d run the whole way here. “Guys, Jesus.” He stopped at the counter, sending me an apologetic look before turning to his friends. “She wouldn’t know where he is, or she’d have probably gone to see him. Lay off.”

  Paul twisted his lips, then shrugged. “Worth a try.”

  Burrows made a whining sound. “But she was like his girlfriend!”

  Um, ouch. I tried not to let the use of past tense reach my chest. It did anyway, and I resisted the urge to rub it. I knew it wouldn’t alleviate it. I’d tried that before.

  My shoulders slumped with my sigh. “Maybe he’ll come back after Christmas,” I suggested, yet not a hint of belief carried my words.

  They all looked at each other, then at the ground. “Wanna come over with Dais tonight?” Quinn asked. “We can watch that show you like.”

  I had to hand it to him; the guy really was sweet. He and Daisy had come back from Thanksgiving break together and continued that way. I was happy for them. I was just unhappy for myself. And that was okay.

  “Nah.” They’d probably had enough of me hanging around and cutting in on their time these past few weeks. “But thank you.” I gave him a genuine smile, which he returned.

  Scrubbing his hair, he turned to the guys. “All right, let’s leave her alone now.”

  “But I think I want some ice cream.”

  At Quinn’s look, which I couldn’t see thanks to his back now facing me, Burrows sighed loudly and waved over his head.

  They walked out, except for Paul, who hesitated. “You’ll let us know if you hear from him?”

  It was kind of awesome of them to care this much, but a part of me wanted to scream that no, if I heard anything from him, I’d be soaking all of it up for myself.

  I knew I wouldn’t do that, though. With tears brimming my eyes, I nodded and said a croaky, “Of course.”

  I watched him swagger out of the shop, then looked around at the bright interior, willing myself to feel something vibrant. Something other than murky gray.

  I glared at the peppermint ice cream like it’d offended me. It hadn’t. I just didn’t feel like it.

  Lately, I wanted vanilla. Something safe. Predictable. Didn’t take a genius to analyze that.

  Tim appeared some moments later, stuffing papers on a shelf above the long menu board. “You okay now?” His moustache shifted as he spoke, always distracting me.

  “Better, yeah.” I was, I guessed.

  My empathy for Daisy and what she went through with Quinn and Alexis ran much deeper now. I mean, I knew it had to hurt to have your heart broken, but you never knew just how bad until it was your own tearing in two.

  Tim studied me, then shrugged. “You’re a tough cookie. Eat some ice cream,” he said with a wink. “Everything feels less painful with ice cream.”

  I laughed, partly from his accent, and partly because I wished so badly for that to be true.

  Walking home, I kept my head down against the frosty wind. Sticks and bundles of leaves cracked under my boots. The noise soothed me in some messed-up way. It was nice to know how easily something could break. That there wasn’t anything wrong with me for feeling this way.

  My dad called as I was heading upstairs to our dorm room. Well, it was more mine now. Once I’d hauled myself out of my self-pity cave, Daisy started spending most nights at the townhouse with Quinn.

  So maybe feeling lonely and just at a loss for what to do had me answering. “Hi,” I said, unlocking the door and walking inside. I closed it behind me, dumped myself ungracefully on the end of my bed, then kicked off my boots.

  “Hey, Pip.” His voice was warm.

  There was no shame in missing someone even if that person had hurt you badly. And I did miss him even if I didn’t like to let that show very often. “You heading home for Christmas?”

  “I am,” I admitted, which pulled a smile from me.

  “Any chance I could convince you to see me?”

  I fiddled with the strap on my purse, knowing I still wasn’t ready to meet his girlfriend. “I don’t think so, Dad.”

  He was quiet, then asked, “Everything okay?”

  To lie or not to lie? I decided to admit a partial truth. “I’m actually not, but I will be.”

  Whistling pierced my ear. “Wanna taco ’bout it?”

  I laughed, missing his lame dad jokes. “Not really.”

  “Boy trouble?” When I didn’t respond, he sighed. “Come on, I never get to hear about boy trouble.”

  “Because there usually isn’t any,” I said before thinking. Crap on a shit.

  “Ohhh,” he said. “Tell me. I was a boy once. Maybe I can help.”

  That made my frow
n turn into a scowl. “He’s not a boy. We’re kind of, technically, adults now.”

  “Right. I sometimes forget that.”

  Feeling bad, I changed the subject. “How’re you doing?”

  He sighed but humored me. “Good. The quarry is taking on some new employees, which means things should start easing up a bit soon. This six days a week business doesn’t leave much room to do much else than work, rinse, repeat.”

  What he didn’t say, but was trying to, was that it didn’t leave much time to see his kids.

  He’d sold his business years ago, after he left us, to his friend George. George was a decent guy, and from what I knew, was taking good care of it. I was sure Dad knew that, so I never bothered informing him.

  We talked about the new television show he was addicted to, and I agreed to look into it before I said I needed to shower and get ready for bed.

  Staring at the screen of my phone, I watched the numbers climb past midnight, a loud, tired breath leaving me. The moonlight crept between the gauzy curtains of the window next to Daisy’s bed, sending blurry shadows dancing through the room.

  I put my phone down on my nightstand, my hand falling on a piece of paper.

  Knowing what it was, I yanked it out from beneath my phone, and switched on the lamp to see it better.

  It was the drawing Daisy did a few months ago of Toby and me sitting on his couch.

  I wondered where he was, what he was thinking, and how he was feeling. For as much as he’d hurt me, I knew he had to be hurting more. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have left.

  Did he think about me? Lying in bed, maybe at his dad’s house.

  My finger traced his sketched profile as a memory dawned. One of him saying he grew up nearby.

  My heart jolted, my hand shaking as I carefully tucked the drawing into my nightstand drawer as an idea took root.

  There was every chance he could come back on his own. Or perhaps he needed someone to remind him of what there was to come back to.

  Either way, I wasn’t going to risk it.

  The first day of Christmas break, I called Daisy with my half formed plan.

  The other half depended on getting a car. Or at least someone to drive me.

  That was where Quinn came in.

  Except when I called, Daisy didn’t answer.

  Groaning, I quickly got my stuff together. I dressed in leggings and a navy blue sweater dress, then hightailed it to the townhouse.

  Quinn’s truck wasn’t in the drive, and I groaned, throwing my head back toward the early morning blue sky. “Why hast thou forsaken me?”

  Still grumbling, I got my phone out and called Daisy again. She answered this time. “Hey! Sorry, I was in the shower earlier.”

  I wasn’t even going to ask why she took a morning shower when she usually always took one at night. “That’s nice. Where are you?”

  “Uh, the diner. Why?”

  “Quinn with you?” I asked, already pivoting and walking back toward campus.

  “He is. Pippa, what’s—”

  “Don’t move.”

  It took me another ten minutes to get there since the diner sat on the other side of campus near the ice-cream parlor.

  Despite the frigid temperature, I was almost sweating by the time I pushed the door open, and immediately flagged down a waitress to ask for some water.

  Daisy and Quinn were in the back, finishing breakfast.

  How lovely.

  “Hey, so I need a favor.” I swallowed, trying to catch my breath.

  I didn’t do New Year’s resolutions, but maybe after Christmas, I should think about including a bit of exercise as one. After Christmas. Too much lounging around and good food to be eaten to commit beforehand.

  It took Quinn a hot minute to look up from his breakfast burrito and realize I was, in fact, talking to him. “Okay, shoot.”

  “Where does Toby live?” His frown made me groan. “His dad’s place.”

  Hazel eyes widened. “You mean you”—he pointed at me, swallowing his food—“want to go find him?”

  “Finding means he’s lost. He’s not. He’s probably just hiding out at home.” I paused, thanking the waitress when she placed my water down. “Presumably.”

  Quinn seemed hesitant. “I know this has gotta suck. But he … well, he might not want to be bothered.”

  My huge gulp of water went down uneasily, and I set the glass down carefully. I refused to let that sting as much as it should and turned to Daisy, laying on the heartbreak. She paused mid chew, turning to Quinn with bug eyes.

  “Fine. I’ll see if I can get the address for you.”

  “How?” Daisy asked.

  Quinn looked around, then shrugged. “Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll talk to Coach.”

  Well, shit. “If you’d known it was that simple, why didn’t you grab it already?”

  “Look,” Quinn said, his tone softening, “if he’s at home, which yeah, I know he would be, it’s because he wants time out.”

  My fists scrunched. “He’s had time. Almost a month, to be exact. Time’s up.”

  Quinn looked down at his plate, and I bit my lip. “So, ah, any chance I could borrow your truck?”

  Quinn’s head shot up, and I batted my lashes, painting a cheesy smile on my face.

  He scowled. “No one borrows my truck.”

  I looked at Daisy for confirmation of this. She shrugged, taking a large gulp of her coffee.

  “All right. I’ll go ask one of the other guys on the team.” Since they were worried, I knew one of them would let me. And some of them had to have cars here. My smile returned, and I dragged my finger over the condensation on my glass. “Callum’s got a sweet ride. Doesn’t he, Daisy?”

  Daisy slapped my upper arm, and Quinn choked on his sip of coffee. “Okay,” he wheezed out. He thumped his chest before narrowing his eyes. “Well played, lady.”

  Shrugging, I stole a strawberry from Daisy’s plate and tossed it into my mouth.

  “One condition,” Quinn said. I raised my brows, and he continued. “I’m driving.”

  “I can drive. I have a license and everything,” I said with forced enthusiasm.

  “No, I want to come with.”

  Oh. I looked at Daisy, who smiled. “I’d like to check on him. So count me in.”

  I slouched back in the booth, any plan of a romantic reunion vanishing before I even got to imagine it to its fullest potential.

  “Deal?” Quinn asked, crossing his arms over his huge chest.

  Blowing out a resigned breath, I acquiesced, “Deal.”

  They paid for their food, saying they’d meet me at the townhouse in an hour. I ordered some hash browns to go and glanced at the time, weighing how long it might take us to reach Glibson. My best guess was an hour. Tops.

  “Hey.” Callum bumped my shoulder. “How you doing?”

  Slightly startled, I glanced up, muttering an, “Okay.”

  He studied me a moment before nodding and ordering his food as I stepped aside to wait for mine.

  Daisy called. “Hey. Can’t get ahold of Coach Lawson.”

  “Shit. Is there any other way to find him?” Chewing my thumbnail for a moment, I smirked. “Know any internet sleuths?”

  I grabbed my hash browns, and Callum appeared beside me again, snatching the phone. “This about Toby?” He waited for Daisy to respond while my mouth hung open. “Don’t worry. I’ll get the address; we’ll meet you at the house.”

  He hung up and passed me my phone.

  “We?” I asked with a heavy note of incredulity.

  “He’s my friend. Why wouldn’t I want to see what’s going on?”

  Letting that sink in, I nodded once. “Touché. But how will you find out?”

  “His dad is my dad’s accountant.” He pulled his phone out of his coat pocket, punching it with his thumb twice before pressing it to his ear. “And lucky for us, he works from home a lot.” He paused. “Dad, hi. I need a favor.”

  “You’re not
coming,” were the first words out of Quinn’s mouth.

  Callum’s smirk was a little goading but mostly playful. “Worried?”

  Quinn stepped forward. “Don’t even think—”

  “Now, now.” Daisy forced a laugh, patting Quinn on the chest and giving me a smile that said, help me.

  “Are we going to get our guy, or are we just going to stand around comparing the size of our dicks?” My glare swung back and forth between Quinn and Callum. “Let’s roll already.”

  Daisy and I made our way to Callum’s car, and Daisy climbed in the back.

  Quinn and Callum were still staring. Well, Quinn was glaring; Callum was just smiling. “Ugh, fine.” I moved around the car, sinking into the driver’s seat and stroking my hands over the leather steering wheel, checking out all the fancy gadgets.

  I found the start button. “Oh, look. What does this do?” I pressed it, smiling as the Lexus roared to life.

  “Hey, whoa!” Callum yelled.

  I shifted into reverse and backed out of the drive. Albeit, a little too quickly, lurching roughly down the curb. Daisy was curled over in the back, wheezing from laughter.

  Callum’s face was pale as he ran over and opened the driver’s side door. I shifted into park, blinking up at him innocently.

  “You’re more trouble than you look.” Callum grinned.

  “I disagree. Trouble requires too much effort. Can we go now?”

  Quinn got in the back, I moved to the front passenger seat, and we started the drive in tense silence.

  It was already midmorning. We’d be lucky to get there before noon.

  “When’s the last time you heard from him?” Callum asked, stopping at a set of lights.

  “No one has,” Daisy supplied.

  Callum sighed, and I ignored the tensing of my limbs by reaching over to change the song. Jimmy Eat World filled the speakers, and Quinn groaned. “Come on. What is this?”

  “Music, last I checked,” I deadpanned. “Hey, your girlfriend is in one of my classes.”

  Callum’s fingers tensed around the steering wheel when he realized I was talking to him. “I don’t have one.”

  “Mmmhmm. That’s what I thought, too.”

  Twenty seconds ticked by. Thirty. “What did she say?”