Bittersweet Always

by Ella Fields

  He barked out a laugh. “No. I worked my ass off, working long hours with Jamison Homes. Eventually, we saved up enough to put a down payment on a block of land of our own, but your mom …” He smiled, pulling up outside a block of units on the commercial side of campus. “She wouldn’t let me. Jamison Homes went up for sale, and she said she’d divorce me if I didn’t buy them out.”

  “Wow,” I said, smiling. “That’s why you built our house?”

  He nodded, turning the ignition off. “I’d always planned to, but it just took a little longer. You were starting preschool when construction began.”

  I barely looked at our surroundings, too greedy for more information. Mom had always said they met in college. I just didn’t know when. “Did you guys start going out in freshman year?”

  A huge grin morphed my dad’s features, making him look years younger as the sun shone in on his face. “We met then, sure.”

  “Uh-oh. Continue.”

  He looked out the window, seeming like he was someplace else entirely. “I met her in freshman year. We shared some of the same classes, but she had a boyfriend from high school.”

  “Oh, you dirty dog.”

  Laughing, he held up his hands. “I didn’t do anything too … untoward. I waited, made sure she knew I was waiting, and eventually, she dumped him for me.” He then grudgingly added, “Took her a good six months, but I let that slide.”

  “Sure, you did.” I smiled, feeling some of the weight in my chest ease.

  “Anyway, let’s go.” He opened the door, grabbing some of my bags.

  “Wait,” I said, looking around. The street we were on joined with Main Street, and students were already walking around, cars lining the walkway. Tearing my eyes away from a group of people lifting boxes out of a trunk, I opened the door. “Where are you going?”

  “To your new place,” Dad said, balancing a box on his knee as he dug a key out from his back pocket. Noticing my stunned expression, he rolled his eyes. “Hurry up. Your shit weighs a ton, and my bones aren’t what they used to be.”

  Snapping out of it, I grabbed whatever bags my hands could carry and shoved the door closed with my hip.

  The complex was at least ten stories tall, sandwiched neatly between two buildings that rose twice its height into the unbroken blue sky.

  “It’s a walk up,” my dad huffed out once we reached the second landing. “But I managed to score you one here.”

  “Seriously, how did you do this?” I dumped my bags, looking up and down the hallway. Music filtered out of some of the closed doors, but it was otherwise quiet. A lot quieter than the dorms.

  “I have a fair bit of money saved for you kids. All the money your mom wouldn’t take.” Managing to get the door opened, he walked in. “It’s furnished but only with the basics. It’ll do till you graduate, though.”

  “It’ll do all right,” I muttered, walking past two bedrooms, both with beds. One a double and the other a single. There was a chest of drawers in each room, and even a desk in the main bedroom.

  The bathroom was small, but oh my God, I had my own freaking bathroom. I dropped my stuff to the ground. “Fuck, yes.” I ran inside it, looking around the small space and petting the glass shower door. It even connected to the main bedroom.

  “You all right there?” my dad asked with a brow raised in the doorway.

  “I’ve never been better,” I breathed. “You don’t know hell until you share a communal bathroom with sixteen other girls on your floor.”

  His laughter echoed back to me as he walked out, and I followed behind him.

  “Well, the rent is paid for the next six months. Gives you time to find a roommate.”

  “Six months? Dad, you don’t—”

  “Don’t even say it.” The hard look on his face had my mouth snapping shut.

  “Consider it not said.” I smiled.

  He showed me the kitchen, the living room, which was furnished with two old yet clean looking couches, a TV unit, and a small dining table. “There’s a washing machine in here.” He opened a door just off the kitchen. “No dryer.”

  “I’ll get a clothes rack.”

  After carrying all my stuff upstairs, we walked down the street and turned onto Main Street, heading toward a small Italian diner. “I still can’t believe this,” I said, slurping up my spaghetti. “Did Mom know?”

  “She did, yes. She told me not to, but I didn’t listen.”

  “Can I just say that I’m really thankful you didn’t?”

  He took a sip of his water before grabbing my hand with both of his. “It’s good to see you smile.”

  “It feels good to smile,” I admitted.

  His gaze darted over my shoulder briefly when a loud group of guys walked in. “You going to be all right?”

  He was smiling, but his eyes gave away his worry. “I hope so,” I said.

  I could tell he was hoping for more, but it would have to be enough. For him and especially for me.

  The hot water was bliss, the water pressure perfection, but they couldn’t erase the remnants of the nightmare that tried to leap from the darkness and follow me into daylight hours.

  But as shaken up as it made me feel, I wouldn’t let it paralyze me.

  Shutting off the water, I grabbed a towel and made a mental checklist of everything I needed to do in the next twenty minutes. Brush my teeth, dress, put mascara on and fix my tangled hair, grab my biology notes, then meet Daisy at the Bean Stream by eight fifteen.

  I walked out the door with two minutes to spare, smiling once my feet hit the pavement outside my apartment building. Oh, the perks of living close to better coffee.

  Pushing open the door, I inhaled deeply, marching straight over to the counter to order an extra strong flat white and a croissant.

  “Oh, Lord. Did you even sleep?” Daisy asked when I sat down across from her at the small table by the front window.

  “Gee, thanks.” I whipped out my phone, using it to briefly check my reflection. “Maybe I should’ve gone with some concealer.”

  “Still having bad dreams?”

  Tucking my phone away, I thanked the barista who delivered my coffee. “Yeah, not as frequent, but just one a week is bad enough.” I shivered, mockingly at first, until my back shuddered. My fingers tore some buttery pastry from the croissant, and I chewed while Daisy watched me.

  “Have you thought about seeing someone?” At my raised brow, she waved her hand. “No, like a therapist.”

  “For what? A broken heart?” I scoffed, shoving some more croissant into my mouth, then prepping my coffee. “Did you?”

  A faint smile touched Daisy’s lips. “Oh, snap.”

  “Anyway, Tim’s reopened the parlor, and I start back tomorrow. Are you taking any shifts?”

  He had closed it over the summer to take a vacation overseas with his wife and twelve-year-old son.

  Daisy sipped her coffee, then shook her head, her blond messy bun spilling tendrils over her neck and cheeks. “No. Don’t get me wrong, I like working there, but I don’t need to.”

  “Dude, I like it too, but if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t either. No need to explain.”

  “I told him to keep me on call, you know, in case someone gets sick. I’m happy to help out if he gets stuck.”

  The little café hummed around us as we talked about our new class schedules, my apartment, and some party that was being thrown for the freshman.

  The little bell’s tinkle over the door rose above the hum, and Daisy’s eyes widened a fraction as she stared behind me. “What?” I tossed a glance over my shoulder, spying Renee.

  She spied us back, hesitating a moment before lifting her hand in a brief wave.

  Daisy looked like she was either about to burp really loudly or burst into tears. “She waved at me.”

  “Us,” I said, sipping some coffee.

  Her hands were fanning her face. I grabbed them, pushing them down to the table. “Would you chill?” I laughed.

&
nbsp; “Sorry, it’s just, Jesus.”

  “It’s Jesus?”

  Her scowl made me laugh harder. “You know what I mean. I thought she probably didn’t like me.”

  “Why?” I pushed the last piece of my croissant into my mouth and spoke around it. “Because you kissed her—”

  My eyes bugged out as Daisy slapped her hand over my mouth. “Shush. She might hear you.”

  Swallowing, I pushed her hand away. “She knows.”

  “Yeah.” Her eyes flitted over to the takeout line before she slumped back into her seat. “But I got a wave, and so I don’t want to remind her.”

  “It was just a kiss.”

  Daisy raised a sleek brow. “Two.” She paused, thinking. “I think.”

  Renee got her coffee and left, which prompted me to check the time. “Better get moving.”

  We packed up and headed outside, the sun’s warmth beating down on us like a sleepy heartbeat. Strong and determined to get stronger.

  I missed winter.

  “I’ll text you later,” Daisy said, tucking her portfolio under her arm.

  I crossed the street, heading toward the entry closest to the library.

  A few people were walking by but not enough to keep me from seeing him.

  My feet stopped, the sudden lack of movement almost sending me to the pavement in a messy heap.

  Toby stopped walking.

  I could feel my pulse vibrating in my neck as I stared.

  He stared back.

  His hair was slightly longer, kissing his shadowed cheekbones when the breeze touched it. His shirt didn’t quite hug his muscled arms the way it used to, as though he’d lost weight. Other than that, he looked exactly the same.

  The bright blue of his eyes locked with mine, and even with the distance between us, I could read his intentions. He started walking, a careful smile tilting up those lips.

  My own lips wobbled, the hair rising at the nape of my neck. I couldn’t do this.

  He came back.

  Holy German measles. I couldn’t do this, but I also couldn’t move.

  A car honked, and someone called out, “Hey, Pippa. You still coming?”

  Perplexed, I glanced at the car idling behind me at the curb.

  Renee was behind the wheel with a tight look on her face. “Huh?” Then it clicked. “Oh, right.”

  Get in the car with Callum’s kind of weird ex-girlfriend, or finally come face to face with the reason for my heart’s demise.

  Forcing my gaze to the ground, I made my feet move and dived for the passenger door, dumping myself inside.

  She drove away from the curb, and I didn’t dare look at Toby. I kept staring straight ahead as though this was always the plan.

  “You okay?” Renee asked, turning the corner and stopping at a red light while students crossed the road.

  “I think so?” I had no idea why it sounded like more of a question. I didn’t know much of anything. Why was he back? Why didn’t I know until now? So many whys.

  Feeling as though I might smack my head into the dash out of pure, soul-wrenching frustration, I took a few steadying breaths and forced myself to settle back into the plush leather seat.

  “Whoa, you’re shaking.”

  “Am I?” Lifting my hands, I watched them tremble. “Well, would you look at that. I guess I am.” I quickly stuffed them between my thighs.

  Familiar strains dispersed from the speakers. I laughed as the chorus hit, and Lily Allen sang, Fuck you very much.

  “Nice song choice.”

  “Thanks,” she said, turning into campus and parking in the lot behind the auditorium. “It helps prevent road rage. Or just rage in general.”

  Blinking slowly, I mumbled, “Okay then.”

  “So he’s back,” she said abruptly, unclipping her seat belt and reaching into the back seat.

  “Looks like it.”

  Renee slouched back down, a folder in her hands. Though with her posture, I doubt she could ever truly slouch effectively. “I heard some things,” she said, now digging in her center console. “You don’t need to tell me, but what was his deal?”

  A tube of red gloss in hand, she unfolded the sun visor and slid open the tiny mirror door, painting her lips while I tried to decide what the hell to say.

  Yes, she’d rescued me just minutes ago, but I didn’t owe her anything. And why, oh fucking why, did I still feel like I had to defend him after the way he left me to rot these past months?

  I swiped my clammy hands on my blue and white polka-dot skirt. “Toby.” Ugh, just saying his name felt like I was brushing a razor blade over my tongue, trying not to cut myself. “He has mental health … um, problems.”

  She scoffed. “Don’t we all.” My spine stiffened, and she winced apologetically. “My bad. I’m guessing his run deeper than the typical teenage angst everyone else struggles with.”

  “Much,” I said.

  Renee capped her gloss, lifting the console lid and dropping it inside before slamming it shut. “You guys broke up because of it?” She ran a red-painted nail under her bottom lip, then shut the mirror and visor.

  “I guess you could say that.”

  “That would be a lot to handle.”

  My sigh felt like it’d drag out of me forever until I cut it off with my words. “It got bad, yes. But I never wanted to leave him because of it. I wanted him to get help, to start realizing how much it was affecting not only him, but also everything and everyone around him.”

  “You gave him an ultimatum?”

  “Kind of. I just needed time to catch my breath.” To breathe without my worry for him clouding my better judgment. “It backfired. He took it the wrong way.”

  “He was in hospital earlier this year, right?”

  Lifting my bag to my lap, I opened the door. I’d said enough. “Don’t believe all the rumors.”

  I jumped down from her Range Rover, closing the door as she got out and said, “But if the rumors are true …”

  Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I walked beside her through the lot. “It’s more complicated than what any rumor could suggest.”

  Renee was quiet a moment. “You still love him.”

  I almost tripped on a large piece of loose gravel but kept moving. “Aren’t you little miss observant.”

  “What happened on the street just five minutes ago?” She laughed. “It was like watching a train wreck about to happen in slow motion. But the second I offered you a chance to escape the carnage, everything sped up, and you couldn’t move fast enough.”

  “He left. It’s over.”

  Renee exhaled loudly, adjusting her green sundress as we approached the science building. “It’s never really over, is it?” Her eyes were full of empathy as she looked at me, but then the shield came down, and her lips tipped into a sly smile. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

  I watched as she walked toward the quad, the skirt of her dress swinging almost as fast as my heart was still racing.

  He was back.

  It didn’t matter. I’d been an idiot to ignore a fact I knew so well.

  Those with troubled minds, they didn’t stay. They always left.

  The three days that’d passed since I arrived back on campus made me realize one thing hadn’t changed.

  I was still a coward.

  What the hell did you say to someone you shut out for no good reason other than your own pathetic excuses?

  Which might’ve made sense then, but they didn’t now. Now that I could finally breathe with a lighter chest, and my head wasn’t constantly weighed down by a thousand conflicting thoughts.

  Pippa would probably still be better off without me. Someone probably deserved her more than I did.

  But no one would love her like I did.

  It wasn’t some bold statement in an effort to claim rights over her; it was a truth that rang louder than anything I’d ever heard.

  No one would love her like I would.

  They wouldn’t know the shape of
her heart, the texture of her skin, and the color of her smile as vividly as I did. As though they were molded from the deepest recesses of my imagination and brought to life in a way that shook my soul in two.

  She took half, and I gladly let her.

  But I needed to see her. At the very least, I needed to lay my eyes upon her. Properly. Watching her run away from me didn’t count.

  Christ, that stung.

  “What happened to just keep knocking?” Quinn asked, sliding some bread into the toaster.

  “Sure, yeah. That’d be great. Except I don’t even know where she lives because someone”—I turned a glare at Daisy—“won’t tell me.”

  Daisy looked anywhere but at me, then shrugged, smiling down at her magazine.

  Quinn uncapped the peanut butter. “The apartments off campus.”

  I barely stopped my eyes from rolling. “Which one? There’s, like, ten of them.” He went to cut in, his eyes filled with asshole-ish humor. “And if you say to keep knocking, I’ll kick your ass out.”

  “You can’t do that. Your dad loves me.”

  “He loves me more,” I said.

  Daisy laughed, and I turned on her again. “Why won’t you tell me anything?”

  She lifted her mug to her mouth, taking a sip. “It’s …” Her shoulders dropped. “She’s been hurting a lot, and I know, you couldn’t help most of what happened, but I’m not helping you force your way in when I don’t know if she’d want that.”

  That sounded fair, but it still made my fists clench. “She talk about me?”

  “Toby,” she warned. “I’m not breaking girl code.”

  “Girl code? What about ‘you’re living here with your boyfriend so help your landlord out’ code?”

  She put her mug down, leveling Quinn with a look that made his eyes widen when he, in turn, looked at me. “Quit playing the landlord card.”

  “It’s getting old, isn’t it?” I conceded.

  “It’s not even five minutes old, and it’s already old.”

  “What a short, miserable life-span.” I sighed, making Daisy laugh.

  The toaster popped, sending one of the pieces flying onto the counter. It was black. “Shit,” hissed Quinn, picking it up and dumping it into the trash. “Why didn’t anyone tell me the settings were fucked?”