Searching for Mine

by Jennifer Probst

  He was a monster. He'd slept with her and disappeared. She must despise him. This was the reason he didn't get involved with messy, raw emotions with women. This was the reason he stayed away from relationships and kept things light.

  Nothing was light with Ella.

  The big red C+ reflected his growing understanding of literature. What began as a boring, torturous class had evolved into a foray of thoughts and words that affected him. He'd finished Jane Eyre, tore through Bronte, and actually went back to find more of their work. They were nearing the end of the semester, and as long as he passed the final and turned in his extra credit paper, he'd graduate with honors.

  Finally, she dismissed the class and he took the familiar path to her desk. He waited his turn while she spoke to some other students, and then the room emptied.

  "What can I do for you today, Mr. Dunkle?"

  He winced. Yeah, she was pissed. And she had every right to be. "Ella, I'm so sorry."

  She studied him coldly. "This isn't the time nor the place. My classroom is reserved for academic questions. Is there a question you want to ask me, Mr. Dunkle?"

  He jerked back, reminding himself she was right. He didn't want to get her in trouble. "No, Professor. I'm sorry to interrupt."

  He walked out and did the only thing possible.

  Waited until she was done.

  He tracked her to her car and appeared in front of her. "Ella?"

  She jumped, her hand at her throat. "You scared me! Why are you stalking me?" She looked around nervously. "We're still on campus. You may not care, but I don't want to put my son or my job at risk."

  "I understand. Open the car."

  She glared, but finally pressed the button. They got in the car, and he turned toward her. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

  "Another apology? You seem to be good at them. Unfortunately, I'm unsure of what you're apologizing for. Leaving me in the middle of the night? Staying away for three days? Avoiding Luke? Or having sex with me?"

  He winced and pushed his fingers through his hair in frustration. "None of it. All of it. I screwed up bad. I panicked because I didn't know where this would leave us. You and Luke mean the world to me and I couldn't keep my hands off you the other night. You deserve to hate me. I hate myself."

  His honesty must have hit the right chords because she let out a deep breath and met his gaze. "Look, I was confused, too, but I don't regret it." Vulnerability gleamed in her eyes. "Do you?"

  "No."

  She nodded. She seemed to struggle with her emotions. He waited for her to share her confusion and admit her feelings for him. Instead, she gave him a tight smile.

  "Good. I don't want us to act weird or avoid each other. It was an amazing night, and we'll just move on. Deal?"

  His gut lurched. Why did she seem so eager to forget how amazing they were together? She didn't even seem interested in talking about their relationship. The sex had been the best he ever experienced. The level of heat and hunger she exhibited and released in him was almost primitive. He'd never felt such a deep connection. But she was smiling like he was a stranger and she was trying to be polite.

  Irritation tingled his nerve endings. "Yeah. Fine. Deal. How about I come over and see Luke tonight?"

  "He actually has a sleepover tonight."

  "On a school night?"

  "Yes, I gave him special permission. He's working on a science project with his two friends and the mother called to see if they could stay. I like these two boys, and I've met with Cathy for coffee. I figured it was good for him, and he promised he'd FaceTime with me."

  "That's great." He paused, his heart pounding ridiculously in his chest. "Maybe you want to go out to eat tonight? Talk a bit more?"

  Her gaze dropped from his and she stuck the key in her ignition. "Thanks, but I can't."

  "Why?"

  She dragged in a breath. "I have a date tonight."

  His head was suddenly taken over by a swarm of angry bees. "With the same guy?"

  "No, a new guy. Kennedy felt this new man would be a great match, and we both ended up free this evening."

  "Oh." She'd been crying his name as he thrust inside her and now she was going to dinner with another man. This was what he wanted, right? He'd been afraid she'd get too serious on him and ruin their friendship. Things were back on the right track.

  Cliche.

  "Great. Hope you have a good time." He reached for the door handle.

  "Connor?"

  "What?"

  Her voice was whisper soft. "This is what you want, right? For us to move on with other people?"

  Tension drew his body taut. His heart did a strange flip-flop, screaming for him to change the rules. Tell her he didn't want her to date anyone else. Admit he was scared but wanted to see where this could go.

  "Yes. I think it's good for both of us."

  She paused. "Okay."

  "Have a good time tonight."

  He left the car without another word, wondering why the hell he was so pissed off.

  And what he could do about it.

  That night, he watched from behind his curtains as she left on her date. Tonight, she wore silky black pants that clung to her magnificent ass, spiked heels, and a lacey black top that looked like it wasn't enough material to go out in public with.

  He fumed and waited. Drank a beer and waited some more. Tried to do homework, watch television, or read a book.

  And waited some more.

  A few hours later, her car pulled up to the curb and she got out. He watched her head toward her apartment, then pause in front of his door. Connor held his breath, his palm pressed to the cool windowpane. She glanced over, as if sensing his presence. She turned, stopped, and closed her eyes as if in an inner battle with herself.

  Come to me, he mentally urged. His body tensed, waiting for her next move. Waiting for her decision. Come to me, Ella.

  Her lips parted and she mouthed a familiar curse word she loved but rarely uttered. Then headed toward him.

  He met her halfway. Just opened the door, dragged her inside, and took her in his arms. She never hesitated, lifting her mouth for his kiss, the earthy, musky scent of her curling in his nostrils. He was ravenous, rock hard in seconds, and his brain repeated one word over and over again without pause.

  Mine.

  He possessed her mouth with all the pent-up arousal and frustration racing through his body. Without speaking, he lifted her and walked into his bedroom, laying her down on the navy blue comforter.

  "I waited for you," he finally said. He took in the spill of her dark hair over his pillow, the rapid breath raising her breasts, the long lines of her legs spread open.

  "I know," she said huskily.

  "You are so damn beautiful."

  She blinked, raised her arms, and he crawled on the bed. Clothes drifting off, he worshipped her, spreading her out, touching and tasting every precious inch of flesh. He buried his mouth between her legs and drank in her essence, his tongue swiping her hardened clit, gripping her writhing body and bringing her to orgasm while he drank in every spasm and demanded more, always more.

  Fitting himself with a condom, he rolled and lifted her over him. She took him deep, rocking her hips to a wicked, eternal rhythm, her breasts spilling into his hands as he rubbed her tight nipples and let her set the pace.

  When his orgasm came, the brutal pleasure shook him to the core, diving deep into places of his soul he never knew existed and giving it all over to her. He swallowed her screams as she shattered around him, and Connor held her tight afterward, knowing he may not be able to let her go again.

  Chapter Thirteen

  "A person can't have everything in this world; and it was a little unreasonable of her to expect it."--Kate Chopin, The Kiss

  "I have to go."

  A full moon hung ripe in the sky. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking out the slats of the blinds, realizing she couldn't do this anymore.

  She had wanted to try. God, she wanted him tha
t badly. She'd gone on that date, made polite conversation, laughed at his jokes, allowed his touch on her elbow as he guided her to the car, and thought about Connor Dunkle. Her date promised to call and she agreed to go out with him again, and then she drove home and knocked on Connor's door.

  He'd been waiting for her. Somehow, deep inside, she'd known. She wanted to convince herself she'd be able to engage in a hot affair with her next-door neighbor and her friend. She swore she'd be able to keep it light, realizing he was the type of man who didn't look for long term and liked his easygoing, uncommitted lifestyle.

  Instead, she'd fallen in love with him. And she wasn't going to pretend any longer.

  "Don't go." He rolled over and rubbed her shoulders. Pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck. "Stay with me."

  "Why?"

  His grip tightened. "Because I want more time."

  Ella took a deep breath and stood. She felt his gaze on her as she pulled on her clothes, and he kept silent until she faced him. "How is this going to work, Connor?" she asked with a lightness she didn't feel. "Are we going to have sex each time I come home from a date? What's the term everyone uses? Fuck buddies?"

  He flew up from the bed and stood before her, naked. His voice was a low growl of sound. "Don't you ever use that term about us," he bit out. "You're important to me."

  "And you're important to me. But we've crossed over into new territory and I've been afraid to scare you off. I can't pretend I don't have these feelings for you while I date other men. So, I'm going to ask, what do you want?"

  He blinked. Stared at her. "I want you."

  She nodded. "In a committed, long-term relationship?" she asked calmly.

  The look on his face told the truth. Sheer panic lit up those blue eyes, and he turned quickly away, as if to buy more time. "I thought--I thought we'd just take it slow. See how things go."

  Her heart shriveled but Ella needed to see the whole thing to the end. She owed both of them the truth.

  "I understand," she said softly. "I really do. But I can't play those types of games. See, I'm in love with you."

  He flinched. Tore his fingers through his hair. Stared at her as if she'd sprouted wings and was about to fly off into the night like some alien creature. "What?"

  She fought the pain and humiliation, raising her chin. "I love you. Crazy, right? I'll tell you this--I never expected to fall for a man like you. You were right when you told me I had made judgments. I thought you were a chauvinistic, egotistical, shallow man out for a good lay and a good time. Instead, I discovered you have a beautiful heart, and mind, and soul. You treat Luke like your own. You rose above odds so many others couldn't and made a life for you and your brother. You're kind and giving, loyal, and wicked smart. You're everything I've always dreamed of."

  He shook his head as if trying to register her words. "Ella, I don't know what to say. I'm crazy about you, but we just started this, and it happened kind of fast, and I don't want to hurt Luke or you. I don't want to hurt anyone."

  As she studied him, the light bulb exploded and shattered in tiny, jagged pieces. She pressed her hand to her mouth as a bitter, humorless laugh left her lips. Now she understood.

  "My God, I get it. You only made a move because I changed my appearance. I wasn't enough for you physically before that, was I? You just liked who I became when I pretended to be like all the other women you date. I bet if I hadn't gone out with Ed, you would've never tried to kiss me or take me to bed. Suddenly, it was easier for you, wasn't it? Less of a risk."

  "That's ridiculous. I don't know what you're talking about."

  But the truth was revealed in his face, and anger bubbled up like lava, whipping her into a frenzy. "Oh, yes you do. As long as I was dressing plain and not up to your sexual standards, I was safe. Easy to stay away from, huh? But the moment you got tricked with what I could look like, you had to make a move. You haven't changed at all. And I was an idiot to think I was special to you."

  He closed the distance and grabbed her arms with a fierceness that challenged her own. "You are special! Don't ever talk about yourself like that. I always thought you were beautiful."

  "I call bullshit." She jerked away. "You know what you think is beautiful, Connor? This." She tugged at the form-fitting lace top. "Fancy clothes and sexy heels." She fisted her hair and shook the waves wildly. "Perfectly tousled hair and red lipstick and perfume that makes you think of sex. It's easier, isn't it? But guess what? It's all a mirage. One morning, or one day, or one year, you wake up and find this." She swept her hands over her body with emphasis. "You get glasses and sweats and messy hair and a bare face. You get just me, with no fancy trappings. You get real. And I was crazy to think you were ready for it."

  Waves of anger and frustration emanated from his figure. "I don't know what I'm ready for!" he yelled. "I know I'm crazy about you and Luke and that my feelings have changed since I walked in your class that first day, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't give a shit about your appearance. Can't you see I'm nuts about you? I can get real!"

  She wrapped her arms around her chest and shook her head. "No. I just know I can't do this with you. I'm looking for a relationship, not just sex. I'm looking for a man I can grow old with and who wants to be a father to my son. How's that for real?"

  "You don't want to give me a chance here? Let me catch up. Think about how this will work and what I can offer you?"

  She smiled sadly. "Your answer said enough, Connor. I have to go."

  "What about us? What about Luke?"

  Her heart ached but she forced herself to speak. "Luke adores you and I'd never say you can't see him. Just--just give me some time, okay? I think we need a break."

  "I don't want to hurt you, Ella."

  "I know," she said. "When you open yourself up to love someone, there's no way not to get hurt. You just have to decide if it's worth the pain."

  Ella left him alone in his bedroom, wondering if he could hear the sound of her heart shattering.

  "You look like shit."

  Connor lifted his beer mug and stared moodily at his brother. They'd agreed to meet at the pub downtown. Nate held his usual cocktail, a Darth Maultini, but Connor wasn't even in the mood to tease him about it.

  The semester was coming to an end. Luke continued to come over to his house and do homework, but Connor made sure to cite work as an excuse to stay away from Ella. Class became a torturous session that tore him apart. He ached to touch her. Talk to her. Insist they were being ridiculous by not trying to be together.

  But he realized, deep down, Ella was right.

  He hadn't made a move until she walked in that kitchen transformed. When he looked back on their first kiss in the snow, he remembered keeping a lock-down on his hormones and emotions. He'd treated her more carefully, with more respect. The moment she came at him in a low-cut top and short skirt, and he thought of her kissing some guy, he'd lost his control. Somehow, it seemed safer to play with a sexually experienced, hot woman. He knew the rules.

  God, he was such an ass.

  "Yeah, it's been a tough few weeks. How's Kennedy?"

  "Hard-headed as usual. She found her engagement ring and kind of freaked out."

  He almost spit out his beer. "Dude, are you serious? You asked her to marry you?"

  Nate waved a hand carelessly in the air. "I ask her to marry me all the time. The ring is for the formal asking I'm planning for her. Of course, she stumbled across it and majorly lost her mind. This may be the hardest woman in the world to pin down."

  "Why can't you just leave things alone?" he asked in frustration. "You're both happy. Shacked up. Who needs marriage?"

  Nate looked surprised. "I do. I love her. She wants to get married, too, but the woman is stubborn. Eventually I'll get her to agree. How's Ella?"

  He grunted. "Fine."

  "Luke?"

  "Fine."

  "How's school? Graduation is May, right?"

  "Yep, I'm all set. As long as I pass Ella's class."<
br />
  "And work? You still going for that big management position?"

  "Yep. They offered me the job."

  Nate laughed with delight. "Congratulations! Not that I'm surprised, but damn, I'm proud of you."

  "Thanks."

  He tried to force a happy smile, but he was too miserable. Nate stared at him hard, his green eyes seeing way too much, like he always did. He tapped a finger against the edge of the table in a steady rhythm. "You're in love with Ella, aren't you?"

  Connor jerked back, splashing beer over the rim of his glass. "Holy shit, dude, why'd you ask me a question like that?"

  His brother shrugged. "I could tell. You're a mess. Something happened between you two. Just tell me."

  So Connor did. He told Nate the entire story from start to finish, and Ella's expectations, and his confusion, and dumped it all out in one long, messy stream of words. There was no one else he trusted more in the world than Nate. His brother took it all in with that quiet manner, just nodding here and there as he urged him to continue.

  Finally, he fell silent. The cocktail waitress took that moment to slide by their table and smile cheerily. "Can I get you another round, gentlemen?"

  He automatically switched into gear, giving her a big smile and wink. "We'll have anything you're giving, sweetheart."

  She giggled and cocked her head in a flirty manner. "Oh, yeah? I may have to take you up on that offer later."

  "I'll be waiting. For now, I think we're good."

  With another sidelong look, she walked away with an extra swing of her hips that did nothing for him. When he turned back to his brother, Nate was looking at him in pure shock.

  "You're unbelievable. That was the stupidest, most asinine pick-up line I ever heard. And she fell for it! You're the only guy I know who gets away with that behavior. No wonder you're such an ass. Women have been falling for you your whole life and you've never had to work hard to really keep one."

  Connor's mouth fell open. "That's a shitty thing to say to me! I just poured out my heart and you're giving me a hard time because the waitress liked me?"

  Nate dropped his face into his hands and groaned. "God, you're just like Kennedy. I swear, it's scary. You both have intimacy issues. You're both stuck on stupid images and your ideas of beauty. You're both terrified of being left alone and getting your heart broken. You both are driving me nuts."