“But, you can’t mean...”
“You have just under two months to figure out what you’re going to do and where you’re going to go.”
She couldn’t be serious. “I think you need to consider what you’re saying.”
“I know exactly what I’m saying.” She announced matter of fact and I tried to quell the sting of the lash of her words. “You should want to go out and live your life, Ember. I want you to. I want you to make your own decisions - for you. You’re not going to do that if you’re living at home with me.”
“I want to be at home with you.”
She shook her head. “Too bad. You have time to figure out what you’re going to do now, Ember. Use that time wisely. Consider yourself and only yourself - what do you want from life?”
“I don’t know.” I snapped, hating the swirl of emotions I felt pulsing through my mind and body. I felt like an unstable ruin. Any moment from now and the bomb that was me was going to detonate.
My mom leaned in to kiss me once again. “Then figure it out, my girl. You’re smart. You’ll be fine.” She placed her hand against my cheek lovingly, and then she moved to the door. “I’ll call you when I arrive home safe.”
I nodded. “Kay.”
“I love you, Ember, and I’m going to miss you.” She promised.
“I love you too, mom.” I nodded. “I’ll miss you - too.”
She smiled. “You need this - and I do too.”
And then my mom was gone.
***
I rode behind Luke through the trees to a place I had never been before. I’d been riding nearly every day since coming to the Ranch, but I had never come this way. For almost an hour we climbed through the mountainous maze of trees and stone until we were standing on a high ledge.
The rays of the setting sun were dancing over the land and I felt, from our high point, as though we were standing in the warm liquid gold. Looking down over the rocky swell of the earth, I saw a surging river pulsing below. The clear crystal of the water sparkled in the sun, like a ribbon of rose gold.
“Wow.” I breathed, smiling up at Luke from where he sat on his horse. “This is amazing.”
He admitted. “I often come here to think. It’s my favorite spot.”
“You do?”
He nodded, looking down at me. “Lately, I come out here to think about you.”
“Me?” I questioned, unable to mask the surprise sounding in my tone. “What about me? When?”
“Usually, early in the morning.”
“Oh.” I glanced out over the pulsing river below once again. I didn’t actually know if I wanted to know, but I couldn’t refrain from asking. “What do you think about?”
He didn’t answer my question. Instead, he announced on a trembling sigh. “This is a safe place, Ember. I wanted to share this place with you, because I’ve always felt a little like the world falls away when I’m here. I was hoping you’d feel the same way - I was hoping you’d feel safe with me here.” He looked at me pleadingly - hopefully. “Please, let me in, Ember. Trust in me enough to believe that I can be safe for you. Trust me enough to believe that I am safe enough for you to tell me what you’re running from.”
“Why?” I breathed, feeling another line of my defenses crumbling.
“Because maybe if I know what you’re afraid of, what you’re running from, I can protect you from it.”
There was so much passion in his plea that I felt my own heart break in my chest and my will to refuse him crumbled. Tears stung the whites of my eyes as I gazed out over the land he believed was so safe - so secure. And then I closed my eyes and spoke. “I’m afraid of my father.”
I felt him tense beside me, rather than saw it. The air changed and when he replied, his voice was a low and dangerous growl. “What?” I didn’t have enough time to explain before he demanded. “Has he hurt you? Do you think he’ll hurt you again? Do you think he’ll try to hurt me, is that why you refuse to let yourself be with me?”
“Luke.” I breathed his name. “He never hurt me physically.” I shook my head. “He just ruined my trust in men.”
There was silence for a moment...and then I told Luke everything. I didn’t leave out one harsh word my father had said about me over the years. I told him how I’d never been good enough and how horrible the man had been when he’d been a part of my life. And then I told him how he’d said I was never supposed to have been born - how he’d wanted me aborted. I told him of the little respect I had for myself because of him, and how for so long I had felt the need to prove myself. Only recently had I realized the true extent of the damage the man had ensued on me.
When I was finished, Luke’s eyes were enraged and his breathing was heavy. “There is nothing about you that I would change, Ember. He walked out on you - but that was his loss. You’re an amazing woman - so beautiful and kind and smart - and the man is a fucking fool for walking out on you.” He shook his head. “But you have to believe you’re worth more than he said. You have to believe he was fucked in the head, pretty girl, because there’s no other explanation.” He sucked in a deep breath. “No man who was a man at all would ever leave his child.”
A tear slid from my eye as I sucked in a shaking breath. “Thank you, Luke.”
“You have to believe you’re more than the things he said to you.” He pleaded. “Tell me you see the woman I see when you look in the mirror.”
Another tear fell. “What woman do you see?”
“I see a woman who is everything.” He stated. “I see a woman who is the very air I want to breathe, Ember.”
“Stop.” I commanded as another tear fell and then another and another.
“I see a woman who is warm and kind.”
“Luke, please.” I begged.
“I see a woman who is beautiful and funny.” I looked at him with pleading eyes and he nodded. “I see a woman who needs to believe she’s worth everything. I see a woman I want to spend the rest of my life, proving to her every day, that she is everything.”
“You’re a wonderful man, Luke.” I nodded through my tears, hoping he understood. “And I know you’re nothing like my father. I trust you, but...”
He interrupted me. “It’s okay, pretty girl.” He assured. “In time.” He nodded and I wondered if he was trying to convince himself, or me. “Until then, I can wait.”
***
“You’ve been quiet.” Luke said gently as we settled on the couch in his living room. We had a late movie night planned as it was Monday tomorrow - the only day of the week we didn’t do tours. Sunday nights were like our weekends. Luke continued, “You’ve been quiet since the ride.”
“I’m sorry.” I settled back into the couch on a heavy sigh. “I have a lot on my mind.”
“I hope I haven’t made you feel pressured, Ember, that was never my intention.” My eyes swung to his and I shook my head.
“No, Luke, that’s not what’s on my mind.” I assured - although, in part, it was on my mind. I mean, no sane woman would be able to get Luke’s words out of her mind. Hell, even a woman who so not interested would have fallen head over heels at his words of endearment.
Luke settled onto the couch beside me before turning off the lamp - swallowing the room in darkness momentarily, before the light of the television ignited a glow into the space. “Then what is it?”
“My mom told me she was kicking me out.” I announced bluntly and Luke stiffened beside me.
“She’s what?”
“Kicking me out.” I repeated. “You know, like making me get my own place.”
“Why would she do that?” He asked.
I shrugged, “I have no idea.”
For a moment there was silence, and then the movie began to play and the silence was sliced by the sound of the beginning of Kiss The Girls - an Alex Cross movie. I had a thing for thrillers and tonight was my movie choice.
“You know you can always stay here.” Luke interrupted half an hour into the movie.
&nbs
p; “I have to work.”
“You can keep working with me in the barn.” He offered. “I always need help.”
I nodded. “I’ll think about it.”
“Will you?” He asked sharply, and I turned to look at him. If I was being honest, he’d startled me. Luke rarely took a sharp tone with me - so this was most definitely shocking to say the least. “Will you actually think about it, Ember?”
Slowly, I nodded. “Yes. I really will think about it.” I pulled in a deep breath and somehow found the courage to continue looking at him. “I have nowhere else to go. So yeah, I really will think about it, Luke.”
I knew he heard the hurt in my voice, because the hardness in his face dissipated as quickly as it had formed and he stood from the couch. I wondered what he was doing as he ran up the stairs, but then he reappeared with a pillow and a blanket.
“What are you doing?”
“You’re staying the night.”
I shook my head. “No.” I continued to shake my head. “No, I’m going home - like I do every time we have a movie night.”
“Please, Ember.” His eyes met mine and I felt my heartbeat quicken as I stared up at him. “Will you please stop fighting me. I’m not asking for you to do anything but stay the night.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to hold you - and I think you need to be held.”
“I don’t need to be held.” I defended, because defending myself had somehow, at some point, become second nature to me. “I’m fine.”
“Everybody needs to be held.”
I felt my lips curl in a smile. “Do you?”
“I need to hold, smart ass.” He gestured to the couch, tossing the pillow at the head. “Lie down.”
For a moment, I held his challenging eyes with mine - and then I lay down on the couch. I saw the surprise in his eyes at my compliance, and I took pride in my ability to surprise this man. Until he surprised me. Draping the blanket over his shoulders, Luke crawled on top of me, over me, and then behind me on the couch.
My heart was racing so painfully fast, I feared for a split second, that the organ might rip from my chest. And then I felt his arm move over my stomach to curl around my ribs. And then he pulled me tighter to him. My entire body had tensed to a point of painful stillness and my breathing had halted. I’d never, not in all my years, been this close to a man.
“Ember, breathe.” Luke whispered against my temple. “I’ll never hurt you. Never.”
I nodded. The sound of my gasped breath was sharp as I did as I was told, and breathed. Then, I worked to loosen the tension from my body. The movie was still playing in the background and I shifted in his embrace until my backside was snuggled tight against his front. Luke’s large hand spanned the expanse of my belly, holding me tight against him. I was watching the screen, but I wasn’t seeing a thing. All I could concentrate on was the feel of Luke’s body against mine.
He was big. Against his body, I felt small. He dwarfed me in size - and never before had I felt so - cherished, as I did in this moment. I don’t know how long we’d lain there like that, and I’d long since stopped counting the beats of my heart, but then I felt his lips move against the exposed skin of my shoulder.
If I thought I’d been on fire before, I was melting from the inside out now. Shivers exploded over my skin as hot and cold warred for dominance. My belly fluttered as though it suddenly housed a million butterflies with silk soft wings, and as I closed my eyes, I felt a fleeting moment of careless abandon - that feeling you have when you’re a child and you’re swinging high on the swing at the park. The swing flies back and your belly drops with a rush of sensation - that was the feeling I felt right now. He’d taken me back to a moment I cherished - a moment I’d been trying desperately to clutch to since I could remember - and with a simple sweep of his lips across the bone of my shoulder, I was there.
Shaky breaths filled the room, and I realized after a moment that they were my shaking breaths. Shifting against his lips, I exposed my throat to him in a wordless plea for something I couldn’t have predicted to want - and he didn’t deny me. Slowly, I knew he was offering me time to change my mind and take back my offer, he moved his soft lips to the slope between my throat and shoulder, and he kissed me. His lips were so warm and my breaths had shortened to sharp panting. His arms pulled me even closer to his body, so there was no space between us apart from the space the fabric of our clothing claimed.
His body was so hard - every inch of his body was solid - like granite. I felt his desire for me against my butt, and I was surprised to admit that I wasn’t, not in the least, afraid. It was in this moment, this moment where I was so terribly vulnerable, that I realized I trusted Luke Donnelley implicitly.
“Luke,” I breathed.
“Shhh.” He cooed. “Watch the movie, pretty girl.”
His voice rumbled deep and low against my skin, and I nodded. Wiggling closer to him, I heard his sharp intake of breath and smiled to myself. He was just affected by this moment as I was. And it was that thought that stilled me.
I was affected by this man.
For the first time in my life, I was engulfed with desire that I had not encouraged with my own fantasies.
For the first time in my life, my skin was flushed pink, my heart was beating fast, and my core was aching - because of a man who had been the star of my fantasies since I was thirteen years old and had my first fantasy of being kissed by a boy.
For the first time in my life, I was living.
Chapter 12
Something had changed.
Since the night Luke held me on his couch like we were two teens sneaking stolen moments, something had changed.
There were no moments where we sat and said words to define our relationship - or discuss these changes - they simply were. If I was being honest, I didn’t want to give words to our changes. I didn’t want to sit and discuss anything, because in discussing this - the threat of change was too much for me to handle. I wanted to take pause and simply enjoy where I was with Luke. Because I was happy.
I wasn’t just happy.
I was blissfully, completely, ridiculously happy.
Opening my eyes against the warm morning blaze spilling into the space of Luke’s living room, I moaned aloud as I stretched against the length of his hard body. My movement pulled him from sleep and he groaned.
“Good morning, pretty girl.” He murmured, and then he buried his face in the crease of my shoulder and throat as though hiding from the very thought of facing the day ahead.
“Good morning, Luke.” I laughed. “We’d better get up or you’re going to be late.”
He shook his head and the bristle of his day old scruff against the tender flesh of my throat made me giggle. He protested, “No, I like it here.”
“Ahh!” I screeched, trying to restrain my laughter with no success as he continued tickling me with his whiskers. “Stop!” I gasped, trying desperately to roll myself away from him onto the floor of the living room. “Please!” Tears of laughter slipped from my eyes to roll down my temples as I fought his now wiggling fingers against my sides. “Ohmigawd!”
Luke lifted his head to look down into my face, but not before he threw a leg over mine, placing half his body over mine so he was perched on top of me. “God, I love your laugh.”
Suddenly, the air wasn’t light and fluffy - it was heavy and thick. Looking up into his dark eyes, I felt the sudden urge to kiss him. I knew the urge wasn’t exclusively mine, because his eyes had flickered from mine, to my lips. “Luke...”
His eyes lifted from my lips to meet my eyes, and I tensed as he bowed his head. When his lips met with my forehead, I breathed a sigh of relief.
His kiss was long and slow, and when he lifted his head and I opened my eyes - he was looking down at me with deep emotion. I knew he wanted to say something - but if he did, he’d begin the discussion that threatened to change this - us.
“Luke.” I whispered his name again. It was a plea and
a command in one - and I knew he understood.
The corners of his perfect lips twitched and he smiled. “You make the coffee - and hot chocolate, or tea, or whatever you drink in the morning.” He winked. “I’m going to take a shower.”
“Okay.” I nodded.
Placing both his hands on either side of my head, he lifted his weight from my body. From the corner of my eyes I saw his muscles flex in his arms, and then he was standing and I couldn’t help but notice the bulge in his pants.
A flush of pink bloomed in my cheeks and I pinned my eyes to the roof, the only place I felt safe to look. I heard him chuckle as he walked away. Then, his words sounded and my blush deepened to an impossible shade of red.
“Don’t worry, pretty girl, I’ll take care of it.” I heard the creaking of the stairs as he moved.
I couldn’t find the courage to peel myself from his couch as I listened to the shower start. Finally, I found the ability to move and as I folded the blanket to hang it over the couch, I couldn’t help but think about Luke ‘taking care of it’ in the shower.
“Oh my God, Ember, get a grip!” I commanded myself as I padded to the kitchen. It didn’t matter that I wanted to stop thinking about Luke in the shower, I just couldn’t.
By the time he reappeared dressed in jeans (with no bulge) and a burgundy t-shirt, I had worked my mind into a state of complete disarray.
“Coffee’s ready.” I announced before he’d even made it to the kitchen. “You should pour it into a to go cup so you can take me home.”
Luke raised a brow. “What’s the hurry?”
“Um.” I shifted nervously on my feet. “No hurry, I just wanted to take a bath before work.”
“You’ve spent every night here for the past five days, Ember.” He reached into the cupboard for a mug. It wasn’t the to go mug I’d recommended. “Why don’t you consider bringing a bag of clothing over?”
“What?”
He tossed me a fleeting glance over his shoulder. “All I’m saying is that it would make the mornings easier. If you had some clothes, you wouldn’t have to sleep in your clothing that you wore all day and you’d be able to get yourself ready here.”
A Tender Touch: A Donnelley Brother's Novel (Logan Point Book 4) Page 10
