Blind Delusion

by Dorothy Phaire

  Brenda couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. She played back in her mind what had happened earlier in the day when she had come home from work early and found Jerome there at 4 o’clock in the afternoon when he usually didn’t get home from work until 7 in the evening. Surprisingly, the loud music coming from behind her closed bedroom door didn’t wake up Baby Buddha as she climbed the stairs with him sleeping in her arms. She had placed the baby in his crib and walked back down the hallway to confront Jerome and find out what he was doing home so early. She recalled shaking him on the shoulder to wake him up and asking him point blank, “Why aren’t you still at work, Jerome? It’s only 4 o’clock.” Brenda had braced herself for his answer.

  “Oh, you’re home,” he yawned, and lifted himself from the bed. He had been napping and hadn’t heard her come in. “Big Cooper just got back this morning from a worker’s comp injury. He’s one of the senior guys so my supervisor bumped me from my day shift. My new run starts at 8 tonight and ends at 6 in the morning.” He walked over to the dresser and began grooming his mustache in the mirror. Brenda felt relieved that her first suspicion of him getting fired wasn’t the case, but she still didn’t like his new hours.

  “Isn’t there anything you can do to get back on the day shift?” she said, and sat on the edge of the bed, trying to ignore how tired she was. “I need more help with Justin in the evenings. You know I started that online computer class last week and I have to study. Now you won’t even be here until just before I leave in the mornings.” Brenda sighed.

  “Well, I ain’t the boss,” said Jerome, slipping on a clean shirt. “I gotta play by their rules.”

  “I know, Baby,” she said and leaned back on the bed and closed her eyes. Jerome walked over and kissed her lightly on the forehead.

  “Wassup, Girl? You sick or somethin’? What are you doin’ home this early?”

  “Dr. Renee closed up shop early,” said Brenda, then sat up and rested her head on one hand. “She’s been acting kind of strange lately. She seems a little confused at times, but maybe she just has a lot on her mind.” Brenda could tell that Jerome wasn’t really interested in her boss as he recovered his shoes from under the bed. He appeared to be preparing to go out. She asked him to bring back some diapers before he returned home to change into his uniform for work. He had said he would, but of course now she saw that he hadn’t brought back any Pampers.

  Brenda pinned the cloth diaper snuggly and slipped on the rubber pants. “This’ll have to do Little Guy until I can get hold of your daddy. He can pick up more Pampers on his way home.”

  Baby Buddha wiggled his toes and gave Brenda a toothless grin, obviously content now that his diaper had been changed. She settled in the rocking chair and cuddled him close to her breast as she fed him his bottle. After drinking the last of his formula, Baby Buddha fell asleep with droplets of milk on his bottom lip. Brenda kissed her baby’s milk-soaked lips and set the empty bottle on the nightstand. It was almost 12:30 AM. She knew that he would sleep through the night now that he was dry and fed. She laid him down in the crib on his back without waking him up and gave him another kiss goodnight.

  Once inside her bedroom, she paged her husband, keying in their agreed upon emergency code of ‘911.’ This code meant to call back immediately. She sat down in Grandmama Etta’s favorite high-back cushioned chair at the foot of the bed and waited for the telephone to ring. Twenty minutes passed without receiving a callback. Brenda knew something had to be wrong when he hadn’t responded to her emergency page. Jerome had once told her that drivers have CB’s in their cabs, so a dispatcher could contact a driver at any time in an emergency. She hoped dispatch would make the effort to get a message to him. Brenda recalled how Jerome had complained to her about dispatch. “Those A-holes hate to interrupt a run so don’t call unless the damn house is on fire,” Jerome had said.

  Brenda dialed Union Delivery Service’s emergency contact number to request that their dispatch unit radio her husband. She waited for what seemed like an eternity before a human answered. She told the dispatcher it was crucial that she get in touch with her husband. She didn’t want to reveal that her emergency was to bring home more Pampers. Dispatch put her on hold and she waited even longer before the next voice answered—a woman with a sugary sweet mid-western accent. The woman identified herself as Odessa Dillon, Jerome’s supervisor. Jerome must have been right about UDS not wanting to prevent a driver from completing his run. Dispatch had retrieved the supervisor before putting through the call to Jerome at her request. Brenda assumed they wanted to first assess the nature of the emergency.

  “Mrs. Johnson, I am so sorry to be the one to tell you this, Honey, but our dispatchers can’t get in touch with your husband, Darlin’,” said Ms. Dillon in a cloying voice that didn’t sound genuine to Brenda.

  Brenda took a deep breath and exhaled. “Why not, Ms. Dillon? Jerome told me your dispatchers don’t ever want to interrupt work but this is a real emergency. I need to speak to my husband and it’s really nobody’s business why.”

  “Calm down, Honey. I don’t have a clue where your husband is at. I wish I did, I mean for your sake and all. But the fact is … well, Jerome shoulda been the one to tell you this … but … he was let go ‘bout a week ago.”

  “Let go!” said Brenda, “Why? What happened?”

  “Uh, it’s really not my place to be tellin’ it. Sugah, ya need to talk to your huz-band.”

  “Tell me what!” Brenda demanded.

  “Fact of the matter is, I gave Jerome every chance I could. Customers kept complainin’ about his attitude. More’n a coupla times he strolled in here late as you please and didn’t wanna follow my orders.”

  “Ms. Dillon, I beg you to give Jerome another chance. I know he flies off the handle at times,” said Brenda, slumping down in the chair, “And, yes, sometimes he does have a problem with authority, but please let me straighten it out with him.”

  “Well, Sugah, ‘course if that’s all it was to it I’d be happy to oblige. I understand a woman tryin’ to keep her family together and all. But unfortunately it’s a little bit more complicated I’m sorry to say.”

  “Sorry to say what?” said Brenda, “Please Ms. Dillon, just be straight with me.”

  “Well, when you put it like that …” she paused. “Last week, your huz-band … Jerome, … Uh, … tested positive for drugs on a random drug test.”

  “What? I don’t believe it,” cried Brenda, “He’s been clean for over 18 months. Why would he do something like that now?”

  “I wish I could tell ya, Sugah,” said Odessa Dillon in a saccharine drawl, “All I know is, our health practitioner’s report showed Jerome’s urine contained traces of drugs. So, ‘course I had to terminate him. I had no choice. We have a no tolerance policy here at UDS. There was nothing else I could do, Darlin’.”

  “Couldn’t the test be wrong?” Brenda sobbed.

  “No, Sugah. I’m afraid not. For what it’s worth, you have my sympathy, Mrs. Johnson.”

  “Thanks for letting me know the truth,” said Brenda and hung up the phone.

  Brenda cried for thirty minutes before her head cleared enough to be able to think about what to do next. She needed to talk to someone she trusted. Brenda dialed Dr. Renee’s emergency number and after four rings, her boss’s recorded message came on. If this is an emergency dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. Otherwise, to leave a message for Dr. Renee Hayes, press 1 or stay on the line. Brenda didn’t want to leave a message so she hung up. She didn’t get any answer when she tried Dr. Renee’s home number either. Where could Dr. Renee be after 1:30 in the morning with her husband out of town? Out of desperation she decided to try to reach one of her girlfriends, Cha-Cha or Veda. Brenda didn’t want to reveal any trouble in her marriage, especially when she had told them that things were going well, but under the circumstances sh
e didn’t have any choice. Who can you rely on if not your closest girlfriends? Brenda dialed Cha-Cha’s number first and prayed that she’d be home. Cha-Cha picked up on the first ring.

  “Baby, where are you?” said Cha-Cha in an anxious voice. “You’re almost an hour late!” Her girlfriend had obviously expected someone else to call. Brenda hated to disappoint her. “Cha-Cha, it’s me, Brenda.”

  “What? Brenda? Girl, what’re you doing calling me so late. What’s the matter?”

  “Are you busy right now, Cha?” Brenda asked cautiously.

  “Sweetie, I stay busy,” said Cha-Cha in her sultry voice, “Got on my fly D&G’s, my matching thongs and I’m a be kickin’ it at a private VIP party with my man tonight. Hold up, I think I hear the bell. That’s probably him now with his late self.” She chuckled into the phone and told Brenda to hold on. But, Brenda hung up before Cha-Cha could return to the phone. She knew Cha-Cha would probably send her boyfriend away and come to her aid, but Brenda didn’t want to impose knowing how madly in love Cha-Cha was for the first time in months. These days all Cha-Cha ever talked about was this fine Brother she’d been seeing. When they weren’t spending time together they were text-ing each other little love messages all day long. It’s a wonder either of them got any work done, thought Brenda and tried hard not to feel envious.

  Next she tried calling Veda, but didn’t have any luck in contacting her either. Brenda figured Veda could be anywhere, doing just about anything so there was no point leaving a message for her. Finally, there was no one else for Brenda to turn to except her last and worst resort—her mother, Irene Adams. She didn’t want to call her mother because she knew her mother would start right in on Jerome. “Where is he and why isn’t he ever around when you and the baby need him?” Whenever Brenda relied on her mother to help or to give her advice, it proved to be more trouble than it was worth. Brenda dialed her mother anyway and braced herself for the tongue-lashing ‘I told you so’ to come.

  Brenda’s parents lived on Primrose Street just off the 16th Street Gold Coast as it was called in the old days and even today. She figured it would take her mother at least twenty-five minutes to get there. But she was wrong. Irene was at her front door in fifteen minutes. Her mother never drove within the speed limit so Brenda should not have been surprised at her lightening speed arrival. Brenda couldn’t help noticing when she opened the door that her mother arrived looking fabulous. Even in a crisis, Irene Kenmore Adams had to look good. Irene breezed through the door wearing a black pencil skirt that came just above her knees, high-heel black shoes, and an emerald-green cashmere sweater that matched her green contact-lenses and honey-beige skin tone.

  Brenda gave her mother a tear-soaked and lingering hug. Having her mother there to hold onto felt comforting. Even a mother who was not very motherly was better than no mother at all, thought Brenda. Not having anyone else to turn to, Brenda sat down and confided everything to her mother—Jerome getting fired for failing a random drug test and pretending to go to work everyday when God only knows where he really was. Brenda had no idea where he really was since he had lied and said his shift wouldn’t end until six in the morning.

  Brenda stood up and began pacing the living room floor. “Mama, wherever my husband is, he planned to be there all night,” she said. “Or maybe Jerome’s hurt or something terrible has happened to him.”

  Irene pushed aside wisps of blond-feathered hair so that Brenda could visibly detect her obvious ‘eye rolling’ towards the ceiling. Then, she let out a deep groan before addressing her daughter. “Baby Girl, don’t be so gullible. Your first mistake was trusting that no good husband of yours. Sweetie, I’m worried about you and little Justin. I think you both should come home with me.”

  “I appreciate your concern Mama, but I just can’t leave my home and uproot Justin. Besides, you’re too far from my job,” said Brenda. “No, I need to wait here until Jerome comes home and explains all this. Running away is not going to solve anything.”

  “Too far? I got here in 15 minutes,” said Irene, frowning, “But go ahead and suit yourself. I know what I’d do. Where do you think he is right now anyway?”

  Brenda shook her head and wiped away a tear with the back of her hand. She sat down and massaged the throbbing temples of her forehead while Irene gently rubbed her back.

  “Humph, I’ve got a pretty good idea, if you don’t,” said Irene, wearing a look of disgust on her face. “Once a hussy always a hussy.”

  Brenda knew her mother was implying that Jerome was with his ex-girlfriend, Leenae Lewis, who both he and Brenda had known since high school. She didn’t want to believe that but what other explanation could there be?

  Irene got up and walked over to the window and drew back the curtains to look out into the darkness. Both of them knew Jerome probably wasn’t coming home any time soon. After a brief moment of silence, Irene spoke up. “Honey, you better get on over to that slut’s house and catch him in the act. You’ll need evidence for your divorce.”

  Irene walked back over to the couch, plopped herself down, removed her heels and crossed her feet on top of the coffee table. “You’ve got ample grounds for divorce, Baby Girl.”

  “Divorce! Mama, you just can’t break up a marriage at the first sign of trouble.” Brenda shot up out of the chair and began pacing the floor again.

  Irene folded her arms under her chest, “Honey, you need a man, not another baby to take care of. While you’re out working everyday, taking care of Justin, cooking, cleaning, and whatnot, his ass is over there right now Livin’ La Vida de Loca with that ghetto tramp.”

  Brenda stopped pacing and looked at her mother. “Mama, we don’t know for sure that’s where he is.”

  Irene sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes again. “Listen to me, Honey. Your marriage to Jerome was a big mistake from the get go. Despite what your Doctor Boss and all those other self-help gurus have to say, not every marriage should be saved.”

  “Mama, you just don’t get it. Marriage means for better or worse. I know you think I’m a fool, but I still love Jerome. I’m not going to be like one of those drama queens and go over to Leenae’s and create a scene. I’ll hear Jerome’s story when he comes home. Then we’ll work things out together.”

  “You got that right, his story,” Irene sneered. “Look, Brenda Jewel Adams, I didn’t raise no fool. Just get your tail on over there, girl and see what’s going on for yourself. Why are you gonna sit here and wait for him to come home and tell you a bunch of damn lies? I’ll stay here with the baby until you get back.”

  Brenda slumped down at the opposite end of the couch and buried her head in her hands. Irene scooted closer to her daughter and patted her back.

  “Mama, I don’t know what to do.” Brenda looked up with a faraway gaze in her eyes, “Would you mind leaving me alone now? I’ll be fine. Don’t worry, Mama. I need to be alone to pray on it.”

  “Pray on it! What the hell is praying gonna solve?” said Irene, throwing up her hands, “You’ve been praying to Jesus all your life thanks to that fanatic nanny your father hired to take care of you. Bengi, I think her name was if I recall.” Irene turned up her face in a scowl. “I swear I’m surprised she didn’t brainwash you into joining a convent or some cult. Come to think of it, that might have been better than marrying that loser you married.”

  “Mama please,” said Brenda, with a frustrated sigh, “I do appreciate you coming over here but will you please leave! I’m sure Daddy’s worried about you being out this late.”

  Irene shook her head, playfully. “Not hardly. He should be used to it by now. Besides I’ve got my overnight bag in the car.” Brenda’s face turned ashen gray at the thought of her mother spending the night and continuing with her tirade against Jerome. She didn’t know if she would be able to stand it.

  “Don’t worry, Baby Girl,” said Irene, grabbing her purse. “I don’t
wanna be here when he finally does come home. I don’t trust myself to be in the same room with him. No telling what I might do.”

  “Call me when you get home, Mama,” said Brenda, not able to hide the relief on her face as her mother headed towards the door, “So I know you got home safe.”

  Irene nodded as she reached for the doorknob. She turned back to look at her daughter. “You know Brenda I just don’t get it. You’ve been carrying the full weight of the family ever since you and Jerome got married. This isn’t even his house. It’s his grandmama’s house,” said Irene, shaking her head and holding onto the doorknob. “As your mother I feel it’s my job to protect you, but I don’t know what else to do if you won’t open your eyes and face the obvious. This man is never gonna make you happy. No matter what you try to do to fix it.”

  Irene left and closed the door behind her, leaving Brenda to her own thoughts and misery.

  Chapter 16

  After last night’s storm had cleared up, sunlight glittered between the trees and pushed through clouds. It was 7:00 am when Deek and Renee set out to return home to Washington, D. C. On the way back they enjoyed the beauty of a clear Saturday morning. Deek wanted to take her on a tour of Kent Island before they left the Eastern Shore, but Renee told him she needed to get home to see about her cat. That wasn’t really the reason. She had left Angel enough extra food and water to last until early evening. The truth was that in case Bill called she didn’t want to lie about where she’d been all night. Even though nothing really happened, she couldn’t deny the sexual tension between her and Deek. Renee was glad she resisted acting on it. While music from 102.3 FM’s Oldies but Goodies station crooned from the radio, Renee remained silent on the ride home in spite of Deek’s efforts to draw her out.