Blind Delusion

by Dorothy Phaire

  Chapter 19

  Finally, the day of Renee’s long anticipated doctor’s appointment had arrived. On Monday morning Remy, her driver, let her out at the main entrance of Sibley Memorial Hospital on 5255 Loughboro Road, in Northwest. Renee had asked Bill to meet her in the hospital’s Obstetrics wing at 10:30 and hoped he would be there and would stay long enough to drive her home after her doctor’s appointment. She told Remy that she didn’t think she would need him to pick her up after her appointment because her husband was meeting her there. Remy nodded and drove off.

  Bill still hadn’t moved back home since walking out Thursday evening, but she sensed his resistance was wavering each evening when they spoke briefly on the telephone. “You sure you’re doing okay, Baby? Is there anything you need?” he’d ask her at the end of each of their 30 second long conversations. They didn’t veer into any hot button topics and ended the phone calls before anything got too heated. It was a game of avoidance that they both played well. If Bill would just come to the ultrasound screening this morning, he might change his feelings about being a father, she thought. Once he accepted that her pregnancy was real he might be willing to make plans for their baby’s arrival. She hoped this was not all wishful thinking.

  On her way to Obstetrics, Renee purposely passed by the Nursery on the Maternity Ward. She stopped to peer longingly at the rows of multi-hued cherubic faces behind the large, glass window. In less than nine months her own infant would be snuggled inside one of those rectangular bassinets. She and Bill would finally attain the brass ring, a baby. Renee looked up and saw a familiar face smile at her from behind the partition. A petite, exotic-looking beauty with curly, black hair, laughing eyes, and a wide smile tucked the infant she had just finished feeding back inside his bassinet and waved at Renee. She came out of the nursery to greet Renee.

  “Hello there. Dr. Renee Hayes, isn’t it? I’m Sasha Rojas. Luke Hamilton’s fiancé.”

  Renee still hadn’t made the connection, but she did recognize her face as one she’d seen before.

  “Luke is your friend Deek’s brother. I met you about a week ago at that black tie fundraiser for the Boys and Girls Club. Remember me?” asked Sasha, giving Renee a warm hug as if they were old friends despite the fact that they had met only once.

  “Yes, Deek introduced us. It’s good to see you again, Sasha. I didn’t realize you worked here.”

  “Oh yes, I love being a pediatric nurse at Sibley. Perhaps one day Luke and I will have our own babies,” she said, displaying a wide grin.

  “What brings you to Sibley Hospital’s nursery ward, Renee?”

  “I … um … well I have a doctor’s appointment.”

  Renee quickly slid the What to Expect When You’re Expecting book she had brought with her under her arm, but apparently not before the young nurse read the title. Sasha squealed and clapped in excitement.

  “It appears congratulations are in order,” she winked, “Hey, I have a fabulous idea. Deek is meeting me here at noon to discuss the wedding. My brother-in-law-to-be has been such a sweetheart filling in for Luke while he’s been away at training. I already told Luke that his little brother should get the Best Man of the Year award for putting up with my fickleness,” she chuckled. “Anyway, Luke and I are planning a Valentine’s Day wedding next February and we still have lots to do. Why don’t you join us if you’re finished with your doctor’s appointment in time? As long as you can stand cafeteria food, I know Deek would love the surprise of seeing you.”

  Renee wondered why Sasha hadn’t asked one of her girlfriends to help her instead of enlisting Deek’s help. Surely, a girl as friendly and outgoing as Sasha would have a few girlfriends, thought Renee. As if Sasha had read her mind, she piped up, “My maid of honor is helping me with most of the wedding particulars, but I still need to run everything by Luke, of course. And, since Deek is the only one who can get through to Luke while he’s away, the poor guy’s been drafted to listen to my ideas so he can take them back to Luke. I have to say though Deek’s been a good sport about it. Otherwise, we’d have to delay our wedding plans until Luke gets back home.” Renee thought about how effective Deek’s connections had been in helping her father and she nodded in agreement that she understood.

  “So Renee, can you join me and Deek for lunch today?”

  “Thank you, Sasha, but I don’t want to impose on your wedding plans.”

  “Nonsense. Any friend of Deek’s is a friend of ours. Besides, it’s obvious he cares a lot about you. Does he know yet?” she asked pointing to Renee’s stomach.

  “No, I … haven’t officially announced it yet.”

  “Of course. Well, don’t let me keep you from your appointment. Just stop by the nurse’s station when you’re done and ask for me, Sasha Rojas, okay?”

  Just then a patient’s call light flashed for room 9. “Oh dear, I’d better go, that’s one of the patients who just delivered late last night. Bye Renee,” said Sasha and started walking down the hallway to her patient’s room, “Good luck and I hope to see you later.”

  Suddenly, Renee’s stomach turned in knots. She had no intention of joining them for lunch. But what if Sasha said something to Deek about her pregnancy? Now, she wished she had told him herself when he called last Sunday and asked if everything was all right. She hated the idea of Deek finding out from someone else, especially after their last conversation when she told him not to call her anymore. But at least he would understand why she’d been acting cool towards him lately. He knew how much motherhood meant to her. Renee walked rapidly towards her doctor’s office. She couldn’t worry about Deek’s reaction right now. The only thing that mattered was her baby.

  Renee’s heart sank when she reached the waiting room in Obstetrics and Bill wasn’t waiting in the lounge. She signed the login sheet and sat down to wait for Dr. Louise Eckbert to call her into the examining room. Renee opened her book, What to Expect When You’re Expecting but each time someone walked into the waiting room, she looked up to see if it was Bill. After waiting about twenty minutes the nurse called her name and led her to the examining room. Bill still had not shown up.

  Renee stretched out on the examination table wearing nothing but a thin cotton gown and a sheet pulled over her stomach. Her eyes squinted up at the fluorescent light fixture. The antique white walls and stark, stainless steel medical supplies lined up along the counter made the frigid room temperature even colder. She rubbed the goose bumps on her arms to warm-up.

  Dr. Eckbert tapped lightly on the door before entering. “Hello, Mrs. Hayes. I’m sorry for the delay,” said Dr. Eckbert, “I was waiting for the results of your pregnancy test.”

  Renee greeted the physician warmly and hid her disappointment that Bill had not arrived in time. She studied the doctor’s face. She prided herself on being able to read people. Dr. Eckbert looked at her askance without making eye contact.

  “Is there something wrong with my pregnancy test?”

  “The test turned out positive just as you suspected. But your HCG level of 13 is too low based on your last period. Perhaps, you’re wrong about your dates and this level could be normal,” said Dr. Eckert, forcing a weak smile of reassurance.

  “Mrs. Hayes, I’d like to do an ultrasound and see what’s going on. Your medical records indicate you suffered an ectopic pregnancy six years ago that had to be aborted. Is your husband outside? You may want him to come in.”

  “No, Doctor. He had an emergency at work and couldn’t make it this morning.”

  “All right then, Mrs. Hayes, let’s get started,” she said, “I’m going to smear this sticky, cold gel on your belly so don’t be alarmed.”

  Dr. Eckbert turned on the ultrasound machine and glided the cold instrument across Renee’s stomach while studying the fuzzy, black and gray images on the monitor. Renee observed that the doctor’s keen, blue eyes questioned the images before her
. Dr. Eckbert pressed her lips together tightly. Her eyebrows and forehead burrowed together in a frown. Renee knew something wasn’t right.

  “What is it Dr. Eckbert?” asked Renee in a quivering voice.

  The doctor turned off the machine. She gently wiped the gel from Renee’s stomach without once lifting her eyes to meet Renee’s puzzled face.

  “I wish I had better news to tell you, Mrs. Hayes, but you have an embryonic pregnancy or what’s called a blighted ovum. Sadly, no embryo formed in your uterus. The ultrasound shows there’s only an empty yolk sac.”

  Renee felt like a brick had just landed on her heart. If she had not already been lying down on the examining table she would have collapsed.

  “I don’t understand, Dr. Eckbert. My pregnancy test shows I’m pregnant. Didn’t you hear the baby’s heartbeat? Perhaps, you’re wrong.”

  “I wish I were wrong, Mrs. Hayes. I know how painful this must be for you. But there was no heartbeat, only the sound of the equipment churning. This type of pregnancy usually spontaneously aborts itself so there’s no need to do a D & C today. I want to check you again in two weeks and if the pregnancy still hasn’t miscarried itself, I’ll perform a D & C. It’s a routine procedure that should only take an hour.”

  Renee fought back a strong urge to break into a heart-wrenching scream, but she could not prevent the rush of tears. Dr. Eckbert grabbed a handful of tissues from the equipment counter and gave them to Renee.

  “What’s wrong with me, Doctor?” asked Renee through her sobbing, “Why does this keep happening to me?”

  “It’s no one’s fault, Mrs. Hayes. Not yours or your husband’s. There are a variety of factors. Sometimes, it’s caused by the quality of the woman’s egg but it could also be due to the fertilizing sperm. More than likely, it can be attributed to some chromosomal factor. Embryonic pregnancies tend to be genetically or morphologically abnormal. Since they end in early miscarriage, I believe this is nature’s way of resolving its mistakes.”

  “My baby is not a mistake,” Renee wailed.

  “I’m sorry. That was a poor choice of words. Mrs. Hayes, I’m going to refer you to the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss program to help determine the cause for your history of losses,” said Dr. Eckbert, “There’s a two month waiting list so don’t be upset if it takes awhile for you to get an appointment. I also have to advise you not to try to conceive again before six months. Your body, as well as your heart, need time to heal. I’d also like you to think about joining a support group.”

  After Dr. Eckbert left the examining room, Renee lay motionless on the table as tears streamed down her face and reality sunk in. Instinct, as well as, her undergraduate training in nursing prior to entering clinical psychology had revealed the bad news from the moment she saw the sonogram and heard no heartbeat. But Renee had denied her logical reasoning and medical training. She hoped Dr. Eckbert would assuage her fears. However, the doctor could not. She only confirmed the obvious. There was no developing baby inside her womb. Not now, not ever. Motherhood would remain for her an elusive dream.

  Lying on the examining table, Renee couldn’t see her impenetrable tomb, yet she felt buried alive. She felt buried in an endless existence of loneliness and a life without love. After about ten minutes, she willed her weighted down body to lift itself up. She dressed slowly. She slipped passed the nurse in the reception area and took a detour through Oncology in order to avoid the Maternity Ward. She didn’t know what would be more painful, passing by those rows of beautiful, healthy babies in the nursery wing or running into Sasha and having to answer questions about her non-existent pregnancy. Renee didn’t think she could ever face Deek again. Sasha looked like the bubbly type who probably couldn’t wait five seconds to share what she perceived to be “good news.”

  Renee left the hospital and tossed her book on expectant motherhood in a trash container outside. An available taxi pulled up at curbside. She thought about the prescription of Lexapro that still remained in her medicine cabinet. She had stopped taking it, but something must have told her not to throw it away. Now she was glad for that inner voice. As soon as she got home, she would take a tablet, and she hoped it would take effect right away. Otherwise, how else was she supposed to deal with this? When the driver asked if she needed a ride, her stomach muscles trembled and words got stuck in her throat. Knowing she would probably cry in the cab the entire ride home, Renee shook her head at the cab driver and began walking until she could compose herself long enough to hail another taxi. She called Remy but he was in the middle of another pickup and could not get there for another hour. Worst case scenario—she would wait somewhere secluded on the hospital grounds until Remy could pick her up.

  Even if she could get herself together long enough to take a short taxi ride to the Tenleytown or Van Ness Metro Station, this would be better than riding in a cab all the way home because the anonymity of a crowded train station would hide her grief from onlookers, she thought. She walked slowly and dabbed her cheeks with the balled up, overused tissue in her coat pocket. The streets of Washington at lunchtime swarmed with taxis, automobiles, and police cars. Pedestrians packed the sidewalks. They elbowed passed Renee, dashing everywhere with their cell phones pressed to their ears. The drone of everyone’s conversations, horns honking, and sirens squealing buzzed around in her head. She felt like the entire world was oblivious to her pain.

  At first she did not hear the familiar voice calling her name. Then she looked up and spotted his black Mercedes convertible. Deek was stopped at Dalecarla Parkway and Loughboro, obviously on his way to meet Sasha for lunch. Renee tried to pretend she didn’t see him and stepped up her pace.

  When their eyes met briefly, Deek knew immediately that something was wrong with Renee as he watched her hurring down the street. He knew there was a problem even though she quickly looked away from him. While still stopped on Loughboro, he manually dialed Sasha rather than use his cell phone’s hands free voice command function. He had not yet updated Sasha’s work number into his contacts phonebook so it was easier to simply pick up the phone and dial her. He could tell by the excitement in Sasha’s voice, that she had some news she wanted to share with him, but that would have to wait. Before she could get out what she wanted to say, Deek explained to her that he had something come up and could not meet her for lunch this afternoon. Just as he thought, Sasha understood completely and was not upset by his last minute cancellation. He realized his brother Luke was lucky to have a caring and understanding lady in his life like Sasha. He drove only a short distance away and parked on the street, even though he parked illegally. That was the least of his concerns. He spotted Renee up ahead and ran to catch up with her.

  Renee didn’t respond when Deek casually walked up beside her and tried to sound nonchalant. “What a coincidence spotting you here, Doc. Didn’t you hear me calling you back there?” he said, taking easy strides with his long legs next to her fast trots to get away.

  Renee lied and shook her head while keeping her eyes pinned to the ground and continued to walk away from him at a rapid pace. Deek grabbed her arm and stepped in front of her to force her to stop.

  “What’s the hurry Renee? Can we go somewhere private for a minute and talk about what’s bothering you?”

  “Don’t you have a luncheon engagement with Sasha? I ran into her back there at the hospital. Besides, nothing’s bothering me. Please go away, Deek. I want to be alone.” He held her still. She looked up into his caring eyes only briefly before turning her face away again.

  “You know you can’t fool me, Doc. I’ve always been able to read you. Besides your eyes are red and I can see you’ve been crying. Come sit over here,” he said and led her to a nearby, vacant bench.

  “These people walking by don’t give a damn about us so this is as private as any place else. You started acting evasive last Saturday when we came back from my cottage on Kent Island. Then you tel
l me not to call anymore. I want you to start at the beginning. Tell me now, Renee, what’s wrong and what can I do to help you?”

  Renee’s jaw quivered. She opened her mouth partially, willed herself to speak with firmness and control but vocal cords disobeyed. She sat mutely with both hands clasped in her lap and felt the warmth of Deek’s right hand resting over hers. A tear crept down her cheek but she left it there.

  “Why were you at Sibley Hospital? Are you ill?” he asked. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”

  Suddenly, she blurted out that she thought she was pregnant and leaned into his shoulder, crying. Deek instinctively hugged her. When she finally broke away and composed herself she saw the bewildered look on his face.

  “Isn’t that good news?” he asked then added, cautiously, “Is the baby mine? Is that why you’re upset?”

  Now, it was her turn to give him a puzzled look. Why would he think that? Hadn’t they always used protection? Then her mind flashed back to the one time they did not. In August late one evening after Renee’s last patient had left, Deek had stopped by Dr. Helen Stone’s old office where Renee had been temporarily seeing patients. He’d come by to escort her safely back to Shirley Ann’s house, the foster mother she had been staying with in order to help care for a terminally-ill toddler. But things got too heated, as they always seemed to do whenever she found herself alone with him. Dr. Eckbert had estimated the time of conception to be about two months ago. The realization that Deek could have been the baby’s father made the loss even more distressing to her. She had assumed the baby was Bill’s but in fact it could have been Deek’s. It didn’t matter either way because there would be no baby at all.

  Renee stammered through her tears, “There is no baby, Deek. My doctor just told me. In medical terminology, I have an embryonic pregnancy. The embryo did not develop in my uterus. I’ll never be a mother and that’s the only thing I really ever wanted. I feel so empty without it.”