ONCE LOST

by Blake Pierce

  She said, “I want you to unload it. Right now.”

  There was another silence.

  “I’d rather not do that,” he said.

  “Why not?”

  Bill only made a strange choking sound.

  “Why not?” she insisted.

  “I’m having these nightmares, Riley. Somebody’s after me. I don’t know who it is. But it’s got something to do with Lucy. And the kid I shot. It’s somebody who wants … justice, I guess.”

  Riley felt a pang of sympathy. She knew what it was like to have nightmares like that.

  She’d just woken up from one herself.

  She said, “It’s just a dream, Bill.”

  “Yeah, I know it’s just a dream. But it scares the hell out of me. And having a loaded gun nearby makes me feel safer, I guess.”

  Riley sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to gather her wits.

  “Well, you’re not safer, Bill. Have you been drinking?”

  “No.”

  Something in the flatness of how Bill said that word convinced Riley that he wasn’t lying.

  She said, “You just texted me that you’d had the gun in your mouth. Is that true?”

  Bill didn’t reply at all.

  “Empty the damn gun, Bill.”

  There was still no reply.

  “Let me talk you through this,” Riley said. “Take the magazine out of your gun. I want to hear you do it.”

  Riley heard a flurry of movement, followed by the familiar rattle of a magazine being ejected from the pistol’s handgrip.

  “Now empty the magazine.”

  “Oh, Riley—”

  “Do it. I want to hear it.”

  Riley could hear the sounds of bullets rattling on the table. She tried to count them. She thought she heard each of the fifteen rounds that Bill’s Glock could hold, but she wasn’t sure.

  “Check the chamber,” she said. “Make sure it’s empty.”

  She heard Bill pull the slide back.

  “It’s empty,” he said.

  Riley was breathing a little easier now. But she wasn’t sure what to tell him to do next. She wished she could separate those bullets from him. Get them out of his reach. But how? He couldn’t exactly throw live ammunition in the trash, much less out the window.

  Besides, she knew that Bill had plenty more ammo in his house.

  Finally she said, “Pick up the bullets and put them wherever you keep the rest of your ammo. And stay on the phone while you do it.”

  Riley heard a grunt of irritation. It was followed by the clatter of bullets as Bill gathered them together in his hand. Then came the sound of his footsteps as he padded through his apartment. Riley heard a drawer open and the bullets falling in. Then she heard the drawer shut again.

  “It’s done,” Bill said.

  “Good,” Riley said. “Now sit down somewhere. Keep me on the line.”

  Again she heard him moving around. She guessed that he was heading back to his kitchen table.

  “I’m here,” Bill said.

  “Talk to me. What set you off?”

  Bill’s breathing heaved some, as if he were trying to keep from crying.

  “I heard from Maggie earlier today. Our divorce is going through in the next couple of days. I knew that already. What I didn’t know is that Maggie hasn’t been wasting any time. She’s already in another relationship—with a dentist, his name is Sebastian I think. They’re getting married right away, then moving out to St. Louis. Early next month, she said.”

  Riley immediately understood Bill’s despair.

  “Is she taking your boys?” she asked.

  Bill let out a bitter, angry laugh.

  “What do you think, they’re going to stay here with me?”

  Riley was about to ask him whether Maggie was now going to insist on full custody. But she quickly realized …

  That’s a dumb question.

  After all, how much time was Bill going to get with his boys if his ex-wife took them to St. Louis? She probably wouldn’t even battle him for custody unless he challenged her right to move them away. But if they did get into a court fight, he’d be likely to lose.

  She said, “Bill, I’m so terribly sorry. I know you’ve been afraid you’d lose contact with them.”

  “I was right to worry,” he muttered.

  “But you can’t let yourself fall apart like this.”

  “Why not? What else am I good for? I’m no kind of an agent anymore—not after letting Lucy die and shooting that kid.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” Riley said.

  “The hell it wasn’t. And now just listen to me. Do I sound like the kind of man who will ever be able to get back on the job?”

  Judging from Bill’s current state, Riley couldn’t help but wonder. But she didn’t dare say so. She found herself on the verge of tears now.

  “Bill, you can’t do this—to me. I need you in my life. You’re my partner. My best friend. Don’t you dare bail on me now.”

  A long silence fell.

  “Stay on the phone,” Riley said. “I’m going to do something.”

  “What?” Bill said.

  Riley suppressed a sigh of despair. The truth was, she had no idea.

  But she had to think of something.

  Riley sat on her bed holding onto the cell phone for dear life, scared that Bill might hang up at any second. If she couldn’t hold on to him now, she could lose him forever.

  Slowly, a desperate plan began to form in her mind.

  “I know what I’m going to do,” she said. “Don’t hang up. Whatever you do, don’t hang up on me.”

  “What are you going to do?” Bill asked.

  Riley knew better than to tell him her plan.

  He wouldn’t like it.

  In fact, he’d refuse to go along with it.

  “Just trust me,” Riley said.

  Another silence on the other end.

  “Bill,” Riley said sharply. “Do you trust me?”

  She heard a heavy sigh, then he said, “You know I do.”

  “Then just stay with me.”

  Still holding the phone, she dashed out of her motel room. She realized that it was dark outside—the wee hours of the morning. She knocked on the neighboring door, where Jenn was staying.

  She kept knocking fiercely until Jenn groggily opened the door.

  “Jesus, Riley,” Jenn said, rubbing her eyes. “What’s going on?”

  “Get dressed,” Riley said. “You’re driving me to Des Moines.”

  “Why? What’s this all about? What are we doing?”

  Riley thought …

  Probably ending my FBI career.

  But she didn’t say so aloud.

  “Just get ready,” she said.

  She ran straight back to her room.

  CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

  Riley sat back down on her bed, mentally juggling all that she needed to do during the next few minutes.

  It was all she could do to keep her panic from overwhelming her.

  She said, “Bill, I’m making another call on the motel phone. But stay on the line. Don’t hang up.”

  “What are you doing?” Bill asked.

  “Just trust me,” Riley said again.

  She put her cell phone down on the bed. Then she picked up the motel phone and dialed Mike Nevins’s personal number. She’d reached the forensic psychiatrist for emergencies at this number in the past at some pretty crazy hours, so she hoped she wouldn’t have to leave a message.

  She was relieved when he answered.

  She tried to speak softly enough so that Bill couldn’t hear.

  “Mike, I need your help. It’s about Bill.”

  “What about him?”

  “He’s suicidal.”

  “What? I can’t believe that! I saw him again yesterday. He seemed to be doing much better. We have another appointment tomorrow.”

  Riley was almost hyperventilating now.

  “Things have happene
d since then,” she said. “I don’t have time to tell you now. But you’ve got to believe me, he’s in really bad shape.”

  She paused to put her thoughts together.

  “I’m in Iowa right now,” she said. “I’m calling you on my motel phone, and I’ve still got him on my cell phone. What can you do from where you are?”

  “I can get an ambulance there with medics right away.”

  “Do that. Please. I’m keeping Bill on the phone till then.”

  She hung up the motel phone and put Bill on speakerphone. She started talking to him as she changed her clothes and got ready to leave.

  “Are you still there, Bill?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good. Just keep talking to me.”

  “What about?”

  “Anything. I don’t care.”

  A silence fell.

  Then Bill said, “Well, how have you been lately?”

  He laughed a little at the absurd triteness of his question, and Riley did too.

  Riley said in a mock-casual voice, “Oh, you know. The same old same old. Feeling guilty. Having nightmares.”

  Bill chuckled sadly.

  “Yeah, I know what it’s like. How is the new case going?”

  Riley was relieved that Bill was showing interest in something other than his own crisis. As she kept getting ready, she filled him in on how the case was going—which of course wasn’t well at all.

  “Just remember,” Bill said when she was finished. “Every case seems impossible at some point.”

  “Yeah, well. This one might actually be impossible.”

  “Come on, Riley. You’ve got to keep a positive attitude.” He let out a snort of self-mockery. “Not that I’m setting much of an example. What do you think of your new partner?”

  Riley was almost ready to leave now.

  “OK, I guess. Sometimes not so OK. It’s kind of touch and go. She takes some getting used to. But then, I’m sure I also take some getting used to.”

  Riley paused, then added, “I miss you, Bill. I miss working with you.”

  She almost added that she also missed Lucy. But she quickly remembered how guilty Bill felt about Lucy’s death.

  She said, “Promise me we’ll work together again soon.”

  Bill didn’t reply. His silence worried her.

  Then she heard the sound of a siren over the phone.

  “Is that an ambulance?” Riley asked.

  She heard Bill get up and walk to his window.

  “Yeah. Something bad must have happened to somebody in the building.”

  “The ambulance is for you, Bill.”

  Bill said nothing for a moment. The siren ended as the vehicle came to a stop outside.

  Bill finally said, “What do you mean, it’s for me?”

  “I called Mike Nevins. I told him what was going on with you. He sent an ambulance.”

  “What? Where do they think they are going to take me?”

  Bill was starting to sound angry.

  “I don’t know,” Riley said. “That’s Mike Nevins’s call. But I’m getting the next flight I can out of Des Moines. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

  “Like hell you will. You’re on a case. You could get yourself fired.”

  “Yeah, well, I’ve gotten myself fired before.”

  “Don’t come down here, Riley. I mean it.”

  Riley didn’t have time to argue with him.

  She said, “Just get in the ambulance, Bill.”

  She ended the call. A split second later she wished she hadn’t. What if Bill wouldn’t cooperate with the medics? What if he tried to fight them off?

  She heard a knock on the door and ran to open it.

  It was Lucy, all dressed and ready to go.

  Riley grabbed her go bag and headed out to the car with her. Jenn started the car and pulled out the motel parking lot.

  “You said we’re going to Des Moines, right?” Jenn said.

  “That’s right,” Riley said. “To the airport.”

  Riley took out her cell phone and started looking for flights out of Des Moines to any of the major Washington airports.

  “Do you mind telling me what this is all about?” Jenn said.

  Riley stifled a groan of despair.

  How was she going to explain that she was not only about to jeopardize her own career, but she was going to leave Jenn on her own to handle a murder investigation?

  It seemed so crazy that Riley had to wonder …

  Am I really going to go through with this?

  Before she could think of what to say, her cell phone buzzed. The call was from Mike Nevins.

  Mike said, “I just talked to a medic in the ambulance. The team picked up Bill.”

  Riley breathed a huge sigh of relief that Bill hadn’t refused to go with the team.

  “How is he?” she asked.

  “Not in great shape. But the medic says he doesn’t seem to be of any immediate danger to himself.”

  “Where are they taking him?”

  “I told them to take him to my clinic. I’ll head over there right now. I’ll see him in just a few minutes.”

  Riley was flooded with gratitude. Mike had done this before, working any day and any hour to help someone out. She had no idea how to put her feeling into words.

  So she simply said, “Thank you, Mike.”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  “I’ll meet you both at your clinic as soon as I can get there.”

  Riley heard a slight gasp.

  “I thought you were in Iowa. Aren’t you on a case?”

  Riley sighed.

  “Mike, don’t argue with me, please. Bill’s my best friend. He needs me right now.”

  Mike fell silent for a moment.

  “I’ll see you in a while,” he said, with a note of disapproval in his voice.

  They ended the call. Riley found herself breathing easier, knowing Bill was in safe hands.

  Jenn said, “This has got something to do with your partner, doesn’t it?”

  For an instant, Riley wondered how Jenn knew. She was pretty sure she hadn’t mentioned Bill’s name during the short phone call.

  But then she reminded herself …

  She’s got great instincts.

  Riley simply nodded. She knew that she still had explaining to do, and she didn’t know where to start.

  Jenn said, “I heard that Agent Jeffreys is on leave. It sounds like he’s taking Agent Vargas’s death pretty hard. I guess things just got a lot worse with him.”

  Riley was relieved that Jenn was able to figure out so much on her own.

  “Yeah, he’s in really bad shape,” Riley said. “I think I just stopped him from …”

  She was on the verge of saying she’d stopped Bill from shooting himself. She realized that might not be wise.

  “You don’t have to tell me,” Jenn said.

  Riley was surprised by the matter-of-fact tone of Jenn’s voice.

  She really did owe Jenn as full an explanation as she could give her.

  “Jenn, I’m sorry to leave you everything. I don’t think I’ll be gone long. I just need to …”

  In exactly the same tone as before, Jenn repeated, “You don’t have to tell me.”

  Riley sat staring at Jenn, not knowing what to say.

  Finally Jenn said, “What’s happening right now isn’t happening at all. I’m not driving you anywhere. Tomorrow we’ll both be back on the job. Maybe we’ll have to split up, follow different leads, so nobody will see us together. But you’ll be right here in Angier.”

  Riley was quietly stunned.

  Jenn was assuring Riley that she’d cover for her, even if she had to lie about it.

  Jenn was putting her own job in jeopardy for Riley’s sake.

  Riley was both grateful and uncomfortable.

  It was the sort of assurance that she might expect from Bill—a friend and partner of many years’ standing.

  But it was the last thing she
expected from someone she wasn’t yet sure she could even trust.

  Riley wondered if she was making some kind of implicit, involuntary bargain with Jenn—a bargain she might eventually come to regret.

  Would Jenn someday call in some darker favor in return?

  All Riley knew at the moment was that she was in no position to argue.

  She almost said “thank you” aloud.

  But she reminded herself that the less she and Jenn said to each other right now, the better.

  She picked up her cell phone and resumed looking for flights. She found a flight out of Des Moines to Reagan International Airport scheduled to leave in a little more than an hour.

  With just a little luck, Riley figured she could catch it.

  *

  The morning sun was shining by the time Riley sat looking out the airplane window as Des Moines disappeared below. The upcoming two-hour flight already felt purgatorial to her. She couldn’t communicate with anyone, so she couldn’t find out how Bill was faring under Mike’s emergency care.

  There wasn’t much she could do at all except ask herself troubling questions.

  Why am I even doing this? she wondered.

  In a way, it seemed like the story of her life.

  She’d broken rules left and right for as far back as she could remember, even before she’d become an FBI agent. As a school kid, she’d spent countless hours in detention or principal’s offices.

  She’d even found it impossible to color inside the lines in coloring books.

  Conformity and compliance had never been her style.

  And what if she lost her job because of what she was doing right now?

  Well, it was like she’d told Bill on the phone …

  “I’ve gotten myself fired before.”

  Her FBI career had been marked by successes and commendations, but also by plenty of reprimands and suspensions.

  But what if this time she got kicked out for good? Sooner or later, it seemed inevitable. But whenever it happened, what would be left for her in life?

  She looked outside and saw white clouds beneath the airplane wing.

  It was a soothing, calming sight.

  She tilted her chair back and closed her eyes and asked herself …

  What will I do if I can’t be an FBI agent?

  Little by little, a tentative answer started to form in her mind.

  What I’m doing right now.

  What I always do.