Lost Cause

by J. R. Ayers

  “Don’t you worry about me, Jack,” she said a moment later. Then she closed her eyes and appeared to be sleeping.

  “She’ll be out for a short while,” the doctor said. “Maybe you should wait outside. We’ll call you if anything changes.”

  Jack reluctantly left the room and took a seat right outside the door wondering if he would ever see his precious Marie Hayes Saylor again.

  Chapter 41

  They had gone to the hospital about two o’clock in the morning and at noon Marie was still in the surgery waiting to deliver the baby. When Jack checked in on her she looked very tired and worn, but she still had a cheerful smile on her face.

  “I’m afraid I’m not doing any good at this delivery thing,” she said weakly.

  “You’re doing just fine, dear.”

  “Don’t you want some lunch?”

  “I’ll have something in a little while,” he said. She was a little sleepy from the ether and she had trouble focusing when she looked at him.

  “Do you think I’ll ever have this baby?” she asked seriously.

  “Of course you will. He can’t stay in there forever.”

  “She. She wants to come so early. I’m worried, Jack.” He took her by the hand and touched a hand to her brow. She was burning up.

  “You’ll be fine. And the baby will be fine too.”

  “Promise?”

  “On my life.”

  She closed her eyes and Jack waited for a while before turning to leave the room.

  At three o’clock he left the hospital for a bite to eat. There were a few people in the cafe sitting at tables enjoying coffee and plates of tortillas with beans and red rice and colorful sauces made from peppers and red onions. Jack sat down at a table and waited for someone to take his order. Finally the tall woman from the morning shift came over and said hello.

  “Ah, we meet again,” Jack said.

  “Ascuse me?”

  “This morning? Breakfast? I ordered eggs.”

  “Oh, you must mean my sister. She is in the back cooking pork. What can I get for you?” Jack looked around the small room at the other diners for a moment and shrugged.

  “I’ll have they’re having,” he said. “And a large beer if you have any.

  “Si, we have beer. I’ll go prepare your food.”

  Jack watched the people at the other tables taking particular notice of two men at a table talking about the end of the war. It was clear, like Jack, they had been recently discharged from the army, though he didn’t recognize either of them. Campbell came to mind and Jack wished he had had a chance to say goodbye before his friend rode out for his home in Corsicana. He made a mental note to look him up some day after Marie was back on her feet following the childbirth.

  The food came and Jack was surprised to see the tall young woman who’d prepared his eggs that morning serving up his tortillas and beans. “I have a twin,” she said in response to his staring.

  “Ah, that makes sense now. Well, you’re both very beautiful.”

  “Gracious,” she said blushing.

  After eating his meal Jack returned to the hospital. He went down the hall to the surgery and looked inside where he saw the doctor sitting by Marie’s bed waiting to administer more ether if needed. A nurse was doing something with a bundle of white cloth on the other side of the bed.

  “Your husband’s here,” the doctor said. Marie opened her eyes and smiled weakly.

  “Did you get something to eat?” she asked. Her face was gray and quite drawn and the wonderful sparkle he remembered in her eyes was now replaced with a dullness that made Jack want to weep.

  “Always thinking of me, aren’t you?” he said forcing a smile.

  “I’m not going to die, you know. Aren’t you glad for me?” Her voice sounded strange, as most as if she had something in her mouth.

  “You would not dare die and leave your husband behind,” Jack said.

  “Oh, no, I won’t die. Why, I’m too young to die.” Her eyes closed again and she began to breathe slowly and deeply. After a while the doctor said,

  “You should go out now, Mr. Saylor. She needs her rest.”

  Jack went out and sat in a chair feeling numb and strange and full of unanswered questions. Poor Marie, she didn’t deserve so much pain and discomfort. Or did she? Was this the price you paid for sleeping together before marriage? Was this how God got even for killing an unborn innocent? Is this what happens to people who fall in love with each other and choose to express their devotion by sharing their bodies with each other? It sure felt like some sort of payback to Jack. Fate, or something very much like it, had gotten to her in the end. You never got away with something as heinous as taking the life of a child. And as far as fornication, would it have made a difference if they had been married for years before the pregnancy? What if her sentence was death? What if she should die? No, she won’t die. People had babies all the time. She’ll be fine. That was what all husbands thought, he figured. She’s just having a bad time because it’s her first child. And she’s small, thin-hipped, a narrow pelvis. Just a hard delivery, that’s all. After it was over they would talk about what a time she had had of it. Marie will no doubt laugh and poo-poo the notion that it was a hard delivery. Not after she sees the beautiful child in her arms, the one that looks just like her, with her eyes and her hair and her sweet spirit. Oh, no, she would not die. He wouldn’t let her die.

  The doctor came out of the room and Jack asked, “How’s it going, doctor?”

  “Not good.”

  “What do you mean, not good?”

  “Just that. I examined her a moment ago and, well it looks like a breeched birth.”

  “Breech?”

  “It means the fetus is turned around the wrong way. It’s going to make the delivery very difficult on both mother and child I fear.”

  “What can you do about it?”

  “Well, I could use forceps to try and turn the fetus, but that would be dangerous for the mother. Or I can do nothing and let the birth occur naturally, which would be extremely dangerous for the fetus.”

  “Hell of a choice,” Jack said frowning.

  “Yes. And yours to make, unfortunately.”

  “Give me the odds, doc. Help me out here.” The doctor thought for a moment, his eyes shimmering in the low light of the hallway. Finally he said,

  “Thirty-seventy on the forceps, fifty-fifty on a natural delivery.” It was Jack’s turn to ponder. He paced the hallway for a few moments and then said,

  “Let’s go with the natural.”

  “Alright. It shouldn’t be much longer now, she’s fairly well dilated. I suggest you wait here, or take a walk around the grounds. She’ll be here when you return.”

  Jack returned to his seat in the hallway and watched the door to the surgery. What seemed like an eternity later a nurse came out of the room followed closely by the doctor. The nurse held something in her arms that looked like a hairless Opossum wrapped in a towel and hurried down the hall. Jack followed the nurse and doctor and found them in a room working with the new-born child. The doctor saw Jack and held up the baby for him to see. “It’s a girl,” the doctor said before placing the baby back on a table.

  “Is she all right ?” asked Jack.

  “She’s very small,” the doctor said. “Please, Mr. Saylor, gives us a moment.”

  The nurse walked over and closed the door and Jack found himself staring at white paint wondering what was going on.

  After a moment he went back to the surgery room and stood by Marie’s bed. He looked down at her and took a deep breath thinking she was dead. She looked dead; her face was gray, and lifeless. It was clear by her shallow breathing she was just unconscious, but she looked as dead as any dead person he’d ever seen before.

  “How is she?” he asked the nurse who had just entered the room.

  “She’s weak. She had a rough time of it.”

  Marie stirred on the bed and opened her eyes. “Jack, where were you
, Jack?”

  “I’m here.”

  “Did you see our baby?”

  “Yes.”

  “A girl, right?”

  “Yes, a girl.”

  “Jacqueline. Is she beautiful like you?” Beautiful? Jack thought. She looks like a skinned woodland creature.

  “Is she alright?”

  “Yes, she’s fine.”

  Jack saw the nurse look at him strangely.

  “I’m awfully tired,” Marie said. “And I hurt terribly.”

  “You should go now,” the nurse said. “Mrs. Saylor needs to rest for awhile.”

  “I’ll be right outside,” Jack said. He leaned over and kissed Marie on the forehead. She was very pale and weak and extremely tired.

  As he turned to leave the room, Jack beckoned to the nurse. “May I speak to you outside?” She followed him out to the hall and he asked,

  “What’s the matter with the baby?”

  “You don’t know?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “She was still born. I’m so sorry.”

  “She’s dead?”

  “They couldn’t get her to breathe. The breech birth, she couldn’t breathe. I’m sorry, Mr. Saylor.”

  “So she’s dead.”

  “Yes. It’s such a shame. I thought you knew.”

  “No,” Jack said. Then, “You better go back in with Marie. I’ll check on her in a little while. I need a moment.”

  “Certainly, sir, completely understandable.”

  She went back into the surgery and Jack sat down in a chair by a fogged over window. It had begun to rain and the soft patter of raindrops on the glass was somehow disconcerting to Jack. It was not a time for soothing calmness that a gentle rain often brings. This moment required a raging gale complete with wind and hail and terrible destruction. This was a time for mourning.

  So that’s how it was to be; the child was dead. She never had a chance at life; doomed to die before she was born because of the sins of her father and mother. It just didn’t seem right to Jack. Many things didn’t appear right to him. It seemed everything he’d tried to do or be turned out to be a lost cause. The war, his marriage, the failed birth of his first child; all lost causes. And to what effect? To punish him for some nameless sin he’d committed in the ignorance of his youth? It was all a giant perplexity to Jack, and it was an altogether bitter pill to swallow, especially since he could not identify the malady it was intended to cure.

  He thought of the tiny, pitiful baby who never had a chance to live out its own mystery. Jack wished the hell the little thing had survived. Too much dying, too much suffering in the world. Now it seemed that Marie could die too. But that’s what people did, right? The whole purpose of men is to die and spread yet more corruption upon the earth. You died and you did not ever really know why. You never had the time to learn; there was no tutorial or sage professor to guide you through. The gods threw you into the mix and told you the rules and the first time they caught you going off the rails they killed you. Or they killed you gratuitously by taking those you love. Or destroyed your face like Campbell. The methods changed from person to person but they killed you in the end. That was the one thing you could count on; live long enough and they would find a way to kill you and you’ll take your last breath wondering what you did to deserve it.

  So now Jack sat out in the hall and waited to hear yet another affirmation of death when they told him Marie was dead. The nurse did not come out into the hall, so after a half an hour, he went to the door and opened it and looked in. He saw the nurse sitting by the bed and Marie with her head on a pillow and a white sheet covering the lower half of her body. Upon seeing him, the nurse put her finger to her lips and walked to the door.

  “How is she?” asked Jack.

  “She’s resting,” the nurse said. “You should go and have your supper and then come back afterward. She should be a little stronger then.”

  Though he was far from hungry, Jack left the hospital and walked down the dark wet street to the cafe. It was brightly lit inside and there were many people sitting at the tables. Jack didn’t see a place to sit right away, and one of the Mexican twins came up to him and directed him to a tiny table across from an old man with white whiskers who was drinking tequila and reading a newspaper. Jack sat down and asked the woman what the daily special was and she said chile verde and he said he would have some as well as a large glass of beer.

  He ate a little of the spicy food and drank all the beer and ordered another glass. “You are very thirsty tonight, senor,” the raven-haired girl said.

  “My child died tonight.” A look of horror crossed her smooth face.

  “Lo siento. I am so sorry,” she stuttered. Then she clasped a trembling hand to her mouth and went to get the beer.

  The pork and chile pepper dish was hot and Jack drank quite a bit of beer to cool his tongue. The buzzed feeling the strong malt gave him was an added bonus and he thought he should order another when the woman returned to the table.

  It was her sister who bough the refill. She too was saddened by the news of the baby’s passing. “Thank you. Can you keep these coming?” Jack said, indicating his beer glass.

  He drank several glasses of beer savoring the numbing effect of the alcohol. As he drank he read the newspaper over the old man’s shoulder paying particular attention to the bold headlines. LOST CAUSE! it read in large, cursive letters. The article below the headline bemoaned the fact that it had taken over a month for Texas to learn that the Confederacy had failed in its attempt to win its freedom from the northern oppressors. When the man noticed that Jack was reading the paper over his shoulder, he folded it over and put it on the table in front of him.

  Jack was not yet ready to leave the comfort of the warm cafe, telling himself that Marie needed more time to rest, yet knowing in his heart that he dreaded hearing the news that she had not survived the delivery. It was too soon to go back to the hospital; he was not suitably medicated or emotionally prepared to face such crushing news.

  Eventually he did leave and walked through the rain back to the hospital. He met the nurse who had been attending to Marie coming down the hall and she said, “There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.”

  “What’s the matter?”

  “You wife’s been hemorrhaging.”

  “Oh Lord, is she. . .?”

  “No. The doctor’s with her now.”

  “Is it serious?”

  “I won’t coddle you, Mr. Saylor, it is very serious. I suggest you stay close by.”

  The nurse went into the surgery and shut the door. Jack returned to his chair by the window and dropped his head in his hands. Everything that mattered was gone inside of him. He couldn’t think clearly. He just knew she was going to die and there was nothing he could do about it. Frantic, he began to pray, although he didn’t believe in prayer. But he didn’t know anything else to do.

  “Don’t let her die. Oh, God, please don’t let her die. I’ll do anything for you if you want if you don’t let her die. Please, please, please, dear God, don’t let her die.”

  A few moments later the nurse opened the door and motioned for him to come inside admonishing him to keep it brief. Marie looked up and smiled as he approached the bed. There were tears in his eyes and he was having a hard time keeping his hands from shaking.

  “You’re alright aren’t you Marie?” he said pleadingly.

  “I’m going to die, Jack. And just between you and me, I hate the thought of it. But I have to pay for what I did to our first child.”

  “No, no, you’ll be alright, sweetheart. You’re going to get better and—”

  “Did you get to hold Jacqueline yet” Is she very tiny?” Jack could not contain his tears.

  “She, she’s wonderful,” he stammered. She reached out a shaky hand and placed it on his arm.

  “Come on now, Jack, you have to be stronger than that. You have to be strong to raise little Jackie, she’s going to need her daddy to
be strong.”

  “Oh, Marie.”

  “I was going to write you a note to remember me by in case something happened, but, alas I was lazy and I didn’t get around to it. Sorry.”

  “Do you want me to get the priest to come and see you?”

  “I don’t think so. It’s a little late for repentance, don’t you think?”

  “He says it’s never too late.”

  “Well, he’s just a man, isn’t he?” She faltered for a moment, then said, “I’m not afraid to die. I just hate leaving you and the baby. You won’t hold it against me, will you?””

  “You must not talk like that.”

  “Alright,” Marie said.

  “Do you want me to get you anything?”

  Marie smiled very thinly. “No.” Then a moment later, “You won’t do the things that we did together with another girl, will you?”

  “I wouldn’t consider such a thing. But it won’t be necessary. You’re getting better.”

  “I do want you to have other women, though. You’re too sweet to go through life not being loved by someone.”

  “I don’t want anyone else.”

  “You will. When the time is right.” It was becoming very difficult for her to talk.

  “Please, Mr. Saylor, let’s leave the room so she can rest,” the nurse said. Marie nodded, her face painfully gray.

  “Go pull yourself together,” she whispered. “And kiss Jacqueline for me.”

  “Alright, sweetheart, I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

  Jack sat in the chair and waited for a long time. Finally, just when the sun was brightening the window panes, the nurse came to the door and called him over. “I’m afraid your wife is gravely ill,” she said softly. “She’s unconscious. Apparently she is having one hemorrhage after another.”

  Jack rushed inside the room and went to her bedside. He sat on the bed holding her hand until she died a short time later. She never regained unconsciousness and it did not take her very long to die once he took hold of her hand.