A Moment of Weakness

by Karen Kingsbury

  The sick feeling in Luke’s gut grew. “Two problems with that. First, your friend doesn’t know her rights. And second, it seems she’s okay with her perceived loss of rights, the idea that she might have to whisper God’s name in public.”

  “What case are you working on?” His dad put his arm around Elaine. “I haven’t seen you much. What’s the state of things out there?”

  “It’s wild.” Luke took a slow breath and thought about his recent docket. “So many lawsuits. I’m definitely enjoying it more than entertainment law.”

  “What you’re doing now matters at a completely different level.” His dad shook his head. “It’s a crazy world out there.”

  Luke appreciated his dad’s support. It mattered, knowing that his family believed in what he was doing. It always would.

  The kids came running back, all the cousins together, including the little ones. Cole led the charge. “Can we take one more turn in the corn maze? We’re trying to break our record.” He grinned at Blaise, who at three was the youngest in the group. “It’s not easy with the little ones, but we’re all helping each other.”

  A chorus of pleading from the older cousins, and Luke and the others easily agreed. Another run through the maze was a great idea. The conversation among the adults was just getting started. The kids ran off, and the others leaned in.

  “Who exactly is doing the suing?” The question came from Peter, Brooke’s husband. Both of them were doctors. “We’re pretty removed from all that in our world.”

  “Not me. Not on the coaching field.” Ryan narrowed his eyes. “A coach in our district is fighting for his job because he allows the players to pray. Our country is changing and we never got a vote in the matter.”

  Luke nodded. “Exactly.” How many times had he heard that before? He looked at Dayne. “There have been a few movies on the subject. God’s Not Dead, for instance.”

  “Right. Film is a powerful tool.” Dayne looked at his wife, Katy, and then at the group. “I have an investor who approached me yesterday looking to put money into a film defending religious freedom. I’m searching for the right story.”

  Luke chuckled, but the sound was more sad than humorous. “We need to have lunch, Brother. I have far too many stories.” He looked at Peter. “Back to your question. The people suing are often atheistic legal groups, brain trusts whose intent it is to wipe religion—and the Christian faith in particular—from the landscape of America. There’s a dozen of these groups now, and more all the time.”

  Reagan sighed. “The suing isn’t just being done by those groups now. That’s where it gets crazy.”

  “She’s right.” Luke felt the gravity of the situation. “Now it’s school districts suing teachers for mentioning God. Parents suing schools for allowing such a mention.” He hesitated. “Like I said, it’s out of control.”

  The conversation shifted to the U.S. Supreme Court and the seats that would no doubt be filled in the next few years. Luke and his legal team had talked about that at length lately. “For now, things are better with the Supreme Court. But honestly, there could come a time when churches will gradually be outlawed in the United States.” He looked at his family. “And it could happen in our lifetime.”

  Brooke looked doubtful. “How could that happen? The Constitution guarantees freedom of religion.”

  “Simple.” Luke gave her a sad look. “The courts have been interpreting that very clause to read freedom from religion. As if belief in God were a dangerous or bad thing for culture.”

  His dad shook his head. “Nothing could be further from the truth. Studies have shown that faith is what keeps a society like ours working. It’s the difference between a productive people living in the providence of God Almighty and . . . well, anarchy.”

  Another breeze washed over them and Luke exhaled. He didn’t want to keep talking about this. Today was a time to celebrate. Still, it was important everyone understood that their rights truly were in jeopardy. “Here’s how close we are to losing our churches.” Luke made eye contact with his siblings and their spouses and then his father and Elaine. “The government would simply analyze the beliefs of a given church. If those beliefs line up with the Bible, then they could very well be determined to be hate speech in today’s climate. Churches would be considered hate groups in the eyes of the government. They’d lose their tax-exempt status first, and then they’d lose their ability to meet.”

  Reagan raised her eyebrows. “Isn’t that crazy?”

  “And those conversations in coffee shops where people are afraid to say the name of God out loud aren’t helping.” Ashley leaned forward. The issue clearly troubled her. “Once people stop believing in their rights, those rights are a whole lot easier to take away.”

  “That’s exactly it.” Luke nodded. “Anyway . . . there’ve been lots of cases, and all of them have dealt with situations that would’ve never made it in front of a jury even a few years ago.” He paused. “That’s how quickly this whole religious freedom thing is changing.”

  The kids came running back, all of them laughing and out of breath. Some of the older kids had the little ones by their hands. Tommy was out in front, holding up his phone. “We did it! We beat our record!”

  Hayley raised her arms in the air, her face bright with childlike joy. “We asked God to show us the way, and that’s just what He did.”

  Luke smiled to himself and let the scene wash over him. No one had ever told Hayley not to talk about God in public. In fact, no one had ever told any of the kids that.

  Help me to be like them, Lord. The silent prayer came from Luke’s heart. Let me keep the faith of a child. And let me keep the prayer of a child. Hayley’s words echoed in Luke’s soul. We asked God to show us the way, and that’s just what He did.

  As the group cleaned up their picnics and loaded the baskets and pumpkins they had picked into their cars, Luke couldn’t help but think about his job. No matter how difficult the cases, Luke was grateful.

  If things got bad enough, he would just remember Hayley’s prayer. And Luke would ask God to show him the way. And that’s what God would do. He had to believe for such a time as this, while he was blessed to be a religious freedom fighter.

  While there were still religious freedoms left to fight for.

  6

  In her new life, the one without Wendell Quinn, the same crazy thing happened to Alicia Harris every morning. Today was no different. Alicia opened her eyes and in the bleary line between night and day she literally could see the man she still loved. As if Wendell was standing before her. His kind brown eyes would look into hers and she would feel the way she did whenever she was with him: Safe. Loved.

  Whole.

  And in the dream she was sure she was talking to him in his office. Talking about how they might have a future together and . . .

  And then the reality hit. The way it did every morning.

  She rolled onto her side and stared at the alarm clock.

  Her life no longer included Wendell. The world of Hamilton High was behind her. These days she worked at a different high school, across town, and she only kept up with Wendell through the Facebook pages of her former co-workers.

  Since their breakup, Alicia had not once looked into Wendell’s kind eyes. She hadn’t once walked into his office and talked to him about her fears, hadn’t felt his arms safe around her. Hadn’t dreamed with him about a life together.

  Other than when she slept, her days with Wendell were, and always would be, part of her past. A million miles from the here and now.

  Alicia sat up in bed and took a slow breath. The panic attacks had been gone for months now. Nothing in her new life triggered the anxiety. Just two Xanax a day and her doctor was happy with her progress. “You seem to be doing fine,” he’d told her at her last appointment.

  But her aching soul was another story. Why, God . . . why do You let these dreams happen? I’ve asked You, please . . . take him away from me. Won’t You do that? She squeezed h
er eyes shut for a moment. She hated that she was so weak, that she was prone to anxiety. Hated the disorder with everything in her. But she couldn’t change it. Some days she wondered if her life would be better if she’d never met Wendell Quinn.

  At least then she wouldn’t have to suffer the heartache of losing him.

  Alicia opened her eyes. The thing was, Wendell thought Alicia had broken up with him because of the Raise the Bar program. But that was only part of it. She leaned back against the headboard and remembered that awful day once more. The one when she came home from Hamilton High with a decision to make.

  She remembered every detail. How she had warmed up a plate of food and checked messages. That’s when she noticed she had a second message from Jack Renton. In the two minutes it took to listen to his voice, Alicia had yet another reason to walk away from Hamilton High and Wendell Quinn.

  Alicia closed her eyes and Jack’s words came back to her again. She didn’t have them memorized. Over the past year, she had done her best to forget them. But his evil intent remained, ingrained on her heart, forever etched in her mind. Jack had told her he was tired of waiting, tired of playing nice. She would be his one day soon. Period. If that meant getting rid of people in the way, so be it.

  Jack’s final words had been chilling.

  “I’ll have you, Alicia, or no one will. I’d rather spend the rest of my life locked up than see you with someone else.”

  The memory still made Alicia sick. She pictured Wendell and his four kids, how they’d looked that day at the pool, all of them laughing and playing. She could never put them in danger. Even if it meant being single and alone forever.

  How could I believe I might marry a man like Wendell Quinn? That he and his beautiful kids might someday be my own? I could never be good enough for them.

  She opened her eyes and after a minute, she climbed out of bed. Her heart would always ache for Wendell. She missed him with every breath. During the day she didn’t give herself time to think about him, to miss him. But in the morning—after seeing him in her dreams—she allowed herself the pain of remembering just a little. Enough to keep the good times alive.

  Deep breath, Alicia. Deep breath.

  A few minutes of stretching would clear her head, get her ready for another day of teaching. She bent at the waist and hugged her knees to her chest. The tension that had built up in the past twenty-four hours eased from her legs and spine.

  After Jack’s ominous message, Alicia had known just one way to be certain nothing would happen to Wendell and his kids. She broke things off with Wendell the next day, and requested a change of schools. It was one thing to stop dating Wendell. But to walk by his office every day would be too much.

  Wendell had been hurt, of course. They both had been. But he’d respected her wishes. Anything to help her find relief from the panic attacks. A few weeks into the fall semester, Alicia was moved fifteen miles away to Jackson High School.

  At first her old boyfriend left messages for her every day and her anxiety grew. Panic attacks happened every day, because this time Wendell wasn’t there to help her. The calls lasted all fall semester. The threats were always the same: She’d better not date. No sneaking around with another guy. He would kill anyone who got in the way.

  Alicia saved the messages—in case they were ever needed in a trial. But she only rarely considered using them to press charges against Jack. What could the legal system do? Again she thought about filing a restraining order, but then what? They wouldn’t arrest a millionaire do-gooder for a couple of threatening phone calls. He would find his way free of any charges and then he would kill her.

  Just like he promised.

  So she let the messages build up in her answering machine. Then around Christmastime the calls abruptly stopped. His silence didn’t make sense until last spring, when Alicia saw an article on Facebook about Jack. He had married the daughter of a bank president.

  WEALTHY INDY PHILANTHROPIST MARRIES, the headline read.

  “She’s the love of my life,” Jack was quoted as saying. “I’ve never felt like this before.”

  Alicia read the article six times through before she could feel anything. And then she was overcome by a tsunami of emotions: disbelief and shock and even anger. How dare Jack Renton destroy her life and her relationship with Wendell and then just move on?

  As if he’d never known her.

  But the strongest emotion that day, and every day since, was relief. Yes, Alicia was alone. She still spent two days a month analyzing her bills and trying to figure out how to pay off as much of her debt as possible. But no longer did she look over her shoulder on her way into work. She didn’t check her rearview mirror to see if Jack was following her home. She wasn’t afraid to walk out to her car every morning.

  Jack Renton was finally and fully out of her life.

  She thought about contacting Wendell and letting him know things had changed. She wasn’t worried anymore about Jack hurting them. But she always stopped herself. Wendell had single-handedly turned things around at Hamilton High. She knew because her teacher friends talked on Facebook about the changes at the school.

  Wendell had followed his faith and his heart, and she had been too fearful to stand beside him. Too worried she’d lose her job. Too scared Jack might do something to harm Wendell and his family.

  She couldn’t interrupt Wendell’s life now. He deserved someone stronger. And so Alicia carried on alone, teaching and paying her bills and spending her evenings by herself. Only in her dreams did her rebellious heart journey back to Wendell Quinn.

  A sigh worked its way up from her soul and filled her quiet bedroom.

  Alicia finished stretching and looked at the clock on her bedside table. She was getting up earlier these days, allowing time for a part of her routine she’d never had before. A time of talking to God and sorting through her life.

  The years she had yet to live.

  She walked to the mirror over her dresser. There were faint lines at the corners of her eyes now. Alicia turned her face one way and then the other. She was still pretty. But her eyes looked a hundred years old.

  The price of her anxiety disorder. The cost of living a life in fear of the next panic attack.

  Alicia walked to the chair in the corner of the room. The temperature outside was only in the forties. Too cold to open the window. She sat down and stared at the old oak tree that stood between her house and her neighbor’s. It was glorious today, with leaves the most brilliant reds and oranges.

  She reached for her Bible on the small table near her bed. Her fingers moved over the leather binding and her name, engraved in the lower right corner.

  A new Bible was the single extra purchase she had allowed herself since breaking up with Wendell. If belief in God had motivated Wendell to risk everything, then she wanted a faith like that. One that didn’t run.

  And so with fresh hope she began to read. She’d started with Matthew—the first book in the New Testament—and she hadn’t stopped since. Her lonely nights were less so because of Jesus. She didn’t fully understand Him, especially after she’d let her beliefs grow cold over the last few years. Her soul had paid the price.

  But maybe . . . if she turned to Him now, He would keep her company on mornings like this.

  Alicia stared out the window again. Lord, do You see me? Do You want me to reach out to Wendell? Is that why You fill my head with visions of the man every time I lay my head on my pillow?

  Outside, a few red and orange leaves fluttered to the ground. Autumn was giving way to winter. Now if only she could find a way to change the seasons in her own life, to find the courage to move ahead. Try something new. Maybe even contact Wendell.

  Alicia spent the next hour reading Matthew and when she came to the end of chapter eleven, verses 28 through 30, she paused. Alicia read the words several times over and let them permeate her mind. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

  Learn from me.

  She barely whispered her thoughts. “What do You want me to learn, Father?” She read the scripture again. “You want me to set aside my weariness and burdens and come to You. . . . I get that. But are the dreams about Wendell meant to teach me something? Are they from You?”

  My daughter, two are better than one, because they have a good return on their labor. Remember that. And know that I am with you always, wherever you go.

  Alicia felt chills run down her arms and legs. Two are better than one? Was that God speaking to her? The words came from the message at church last week. They were in Ecclesiastes, Chapter Four.

  Two or three times before Alicia had sensed this sort of a heavenly response, something deep that resonated in her being. Like a voice that could be felt and not heard.

  But she had never experienced it this clearly.

  The response stayed with her as she got ready and drove to Jackson High School. Today’s commute was like any other. No sign that something had gone terribly wrong during the night.

  Not until she walked through the front doors did Alicia learn something devastating had happened. Along the hallway students were huddled together. Some of them seemed to be praying. Others were crying, weeping even.

  Alicia walked quickly to the principal’s office and found a number of her co-workers there. The woman closest to her took her hand. “Two of our students . . . they’re gone, Alicia.”

  The story spilled out in sad, desperate bits. Two of Jackson’s most popular student athletes—a couple recently nominated for homecoming king and queen—had come to school last night, sat in the bleachers and taken a handful of synthetic pills. Something called Pinky.