Mini Shopaholic

by Sophie Kinsella

  ‘Keep him talking!’ hisses Mum as though she’s a federal agent trying to triangulate his position.

  ‘Hi, Luke! Where are you? At the office?’

  That was good. Play completely ignorant.

  ‘As it happens, no. I’m at the Berkeley Hotel.’ There’s a smile in his voice. ‘And I want to invite you and Minnie to join me for a little birthday celebration. If you’re up for it.’

  What-what-what-what-what?

  I sink down on to a chair, my legs rubbery, trying to block out all the questioning faces around me.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I falter at last.

  If he has arranged his own birthday party without telling me, I will murder him. I mean it.

  ‘Darling, I could tell you were disappointed last night when I said I’d be at the training progamme,’ he’s saying. ‘I could see it in your face.’

  No I wasn’t! I want to yell. I wasn’t! You’re all wrong!

  ‘Oh yes?’ I manage.

  ‘And it got me thinking. It’s my birthday! Fuck it, we should celebrate. We’ve got through a hell of a year and we deserve a treat. Let’s meet up, the three of us, have some dinner, drink some champagne … then we can put Minnie to bed next door and see about making her a little sibling.’ His voice is as seductive and teasing as I’ve ever heard it. ‘What do you think? I’ve ordered the champagne already.’

  I cannot believe what I’m hearing. Any other time, I would die and go to heaven to hear this invitation. Any other bloody time.

  ‘Right,’ I say weakly. ‘Well … that sounds wonderful! Just … hang on a minute …’

  I clamp my hand over the phone and look desperately round at everybody.

  ‘He wants me to come to a hotel room and drink champagne! For his birthday!’

  ‘But it’s the party!’ says Janice, who is clearly out to get the Most Obvious Comment prize.

  ‘I know it’s the party!’ I say, almost savagely. ‘But how can I say no without looking suspicious?’

  ‘Do both?’ says Suze. ‘Champagne, celebrate, whatever, whizz back here?’

  I think it through frantically.

  Champagne. Food. Sex.

  We could get it done in … half an hour? Forty minutes max? We’d still be back in good time.

  ‘Yes.’ I come to a decision. ‘I’ll go up there, play along and bring him back as quickly as I can.’

  ‘Don’t hang around, love.’ Janice looks anxious.

  ‘Traffic can get nasty this time of day,’ Martin chips in. ‘I’d grab him and go.’

  ‘Can I leave Minnie with you, Mum?’

  ‘Of course, love!’

  ‘OK.’ I take a deep breath and turn to the phone again, trying to sound as syrupy as possible. ‘Hi Luke. I’ll be there as soon as I can. But without Minnie. Mum’s here and she’s going to babysit. I think we need to be à deux, don’t you?’

  ‘Even better.’ He gives that growly laugh that I love and my insides clench. Why does he have to choose tonight to turn into the perfect husband?

  Anyway. Whatever. I must get going.

  ‘I’ll see you soon!’ I say breathlessly. ‘Love you!’

  Luke’s booked a suite, and as he opens the door he’s holding a glass of champagne. Low, jazzy music is playing and he’s in a robe. A robe.

  ‘Well, hello there.’ He smiles and bends to kiss me.

  Oh God. This is all more extreme than I realized. He’s completely switched gear. His rhythm is slower, his voice is lazier, I haven’t seen him look so relaxed since we were on honeymoon. The suite is amazing, too, with panelled walls and plushy sofas and a massive bed. If this were any other time …

  ‘Hi!’ I pull away. ‘Well, this is a big surprise!’

  ‘Total impulse.’ Luke grins. ‘In fact, this is your doing,’ he adds over his shoulder as he heads to the cocktail bar.

  ‘Mine?’ Is he joking?

  ‘All the times you’ve told me we should relax more, enjoy ourselves, take it easy … you were right. I hope you’re impressed?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say shrilly. ‘This is fab.’

  ‘So let’s just kick back. We’ve got all night.’ He hands me a glass and kisses my neck lingeringly. ‘Shall I run a bath? It’s big enough for two.’

  A bath? How long will that take? I have to nix that idea at once. I have to speed things up. I glance at my watch and feel a twinge of alarm. It’s already later than I thought. We have a party to get to. There is no time for a bath.

  But then … look at his face. He’ll be crushed. And he’s gone to so much effort and I bet it’s a lovely bath …

  We could have a really quick bath. In, out, done.

  ‘Good idea! I’ll do it!’ I hurry into the sumptuous marble bathroom and whack on the taps.

  Oh wow. Asprey toiletries. I can’t help opening the bath oil and smelling it. Mmm.

  ‘Isn’t this great?’ Luke has come up behind me and wraps his arms around me, firm and strong. ‘Just us, all night long. There’s no rush, no hurry …’

  OK, we have not got time for any of this ‘all night long’ business.

  ‘Luke … um … we have to have quick sex.’ I turn round, thinking desperately. ‘We have to have really, really fast, speedy sex because … I want to conceive a boy.’

  ‘What?’ Luke looks dumbfounded. As well he might, since I’m making this all up as I go along.

  ‘Yes.’ I nod seriously. ‘I read a book about it, and it said that you have to have sex really fast. No foreplay. Just … boom.’

  ‘Boom?’ echoes Luke dubiously.

  Why is he looking so reluctant? He should be pleased. I mean, if you knew how many times …

  Anyway. Not relevant, right now.

  ‘Boom,’ I say firmly. ‘So … come on!’

  Why isn’t he moving? Why is he crumpling his brow and sitting on the edge of the bath and looking as though some deep problem has occurred to him?

  ‘Becky,’ he says at last. ‘I don’t feel comfortable aiming for one particular sex of baby or another. I love Minnie. I’d love another Minnie. And if you feel in any way that I’ve been hankering for a son—’

  ‘No! I don’t think that!’ I say hurriedly. ‘It’s just … why not? And later on we can try for a girl! Even it up!’

  Even I can tell I’m making no sense, but luckily Luke is used to that.

  ‘Bath’s ready!’ I rip off my top. ‘Come on!’

  OK, so I don’t feel it necessary to go into the details of what happens next. And anyway, there hardly are any details. Except we start off in the bath and end up in the shower and we still only take fourteen minutes, and Luke has no idea I’m subtly chivvying him along.

  Well, to be honest, I kind of forgot about the chivvying, once we got down to it. Or to put it another way, we were both chivvying each other along. I don’t want to boast, but I reckon we could have got an Olympic medal in the ‘underwater pairs formation’, maybe. Or the ‘synchronized freestyle programme’. Or the …

  Oh. OK then. Moving on.

  The point is, what a fab way to start the evening. I feel so glowy I won’t even need blusher! And if we get dressed and leave right now …

  ‘Want something to eat?’

  As I head into the living room, hastily drying myself, Luke is back in his robe, lolling on the sofa.

  ‘Have a look at these.’ He gestures at the platter on the table. ‘Fashion cakes.’

  Fashion cakes?

  In spite of myself, I have to hurry over – and I can’t help gasping in delight. It’s a whole plate of dinky little cakes in the shape of shoes and bags.

  ‘Each one is inspired by a different fashion item.’ Luke looks pleased. ‘I thought you’d like them. Have one.’ He hands me an iced over-the-knee boot.

  It’s scrummy. I almost want to cry. This is the most perfect evening, and I’ve got to drag him away from it …

  Maybe I’ll just have one more cake.

  ‘More champagne?’ Now he’s refilling my glass.r />
  And one more glass of champagne. Just a quick one.

  ‘Isn’t this wonderful?’ Luke pulls me against him and I nestle into his chest, feeling lulled into relaxation; feeling his heart beat against my skin. ‘This has been quite a day.’

  ‘I couldn’t agree more.’ I take a deep gulp of champagne.

  ‘Losing all my technology has been weirdly liberating. I’ve been forty-eight hours now without emails or internet or even a proper phone. And you know what? I’ve survived.’

  ‘I knew it.’ I turn my head to look at him. ‘I think you should have a BlackBerry-free day every week. It’d be good for your health.’

  ‘Maybe I will,’ says Luke, his hand edging up the inside of my leg again. ‘Maybe we’ll come here every week. That would be great for my health.’

  ‘Yes, definitely!’ I giggle. ‘Here’s to that!’ As I lift my champagne glass my own BlackBerry rings, and I stiffen.

  ‘Ignore it,’ says Luke comfortably.

  ‘But it’s Mum,’ I say quickly, glancing at the display as I grab it. ‘It might be about Minnie. I’d better get it … Hello?’

  ‘Becky!’ Mum’s voice is so high-pitched and anxious, I jump. ‘Janice has just seen a traffic alert! Terrible snarl-up on the A3. How are you doing? Have you left yet?’

  I feel a jolt of panic.

  Oh God. What I am doing, drinking champagne and eating cakes? I glance at Luke. He’s lying back on the sofa in his robe, his eyes closed. He looks like he could stay there all night.

  ‘Er, not yet …’

  ‘Well, I’d get cracking, love! You don’t want to get stuck!’

  ‘I will! We’re on our way. See you soon.’

  ‘What’s up?’ Luke opens one eye as I put down the BlackBerry. I have about ten seconds to think of a fully fledged, convincing story.

  OK. Got it.

  ‘Luke, we need to go, right now,’ I say urgently. ‘Minnie’s hysterical because neither of us kissed her goodnight. So we need to go back to Oxshott, kiss her goodnight, make sure she’s settled and come back. Quick! Get dressed!’ I’m already pulling on my underwear.

  ‘Go back?’ Luke hauls himself to a sitting position and peers at me. ‘Becky, are you crazy? We’re not going back!’

  ‘Minnie’s in a terrible state! Mum said she was going to make herself ill. We can’t just leave her!’

  ‘She’ll be fine. She’ll fall asleep and she’ll be fine.’ He calmly takes a sip of champagne and I feel a stab of indignation. I mean, OK, so Minnie isn’t really in a state, but what if she was?

  ‘How can you say that? She’s our child!’

  ‘And we’re having a night off! It’s not a crime, Becky. If we go back to Oxshott I guarantee she’ll be asleep before we even get there.’

  ‘But I won’t be able to relax! I won’t be able to enjoy myself! How can I sit here and drink champagne when my little girl’s having …’ My mind roams wildly. ‘… convulsions?’

  ‘Convulsions?’

  ‘Mum said she was seriously worried for Minnie’s health. She said she’d never seen anything like it.’ I stare defiantly at Luke. ‘I’m going, even if you’re not!’

  For a frozen moment I’m petrified he might say, ‘Fine, you go, see you later.’ But at last he puts his glass down heavily and sighs.

  ‘Fine. Whatever. We’ll go and kiss her goodnight.’

  ‘Great! Perfect!’ I can’t hide my relief. ‘It’s still early, we can still have a good evening. Let’s take the cakes and the champagne,’ I add casually. ‘Just in case we’re hungry on the way.’

  No way am I leaving those gorgeous little cakes behind. And as soon as I’m dressed I hurry into the bathroom and scoop all the toiletries into my bag. I’m not leaving those behind either.

  I’m just about ready to go and Luke is putting on his overcoat when my BlackBerry bleeps with a text.

  R u on way to Oxshott yet? All looks fab here and everything in place!!!!! Suze.

  Nearly! I text back. C u soon!!!!!

  As we travel down in the lift I smile nervously at Luke. It’s suddenly hit me. We’re nearly there! It’s nearly his surprise! After all this time, all this planning …

  Excitement suddenly rushes up through me like a glittering firework and I can’t help giving him a hug. ‘All right?’

  ‘I suppose so.’ He raises his eyebrows wryly. ‘We’d better be getting special parenting angel points for this somewhere.’

  ‘I’m sure we will.’ Somehow I manage a normal-ish voice –but I can hardly contain myself. This is it! In less than an hour we’re going to arrive and Luke’s face is going to drop and he’s going to be so blown away he can’t even speak …

  I hurry him out of the lifts and into the foyer. My legs feel light; my whole body is fizzing with anticipation.

  ‘You check how long the bar’s open,’ I improvise. ‘I’ll see if I can hail a cab.’

  I’ve got a car service waiting outside. I’ll pretend I just found it on the street.

  ‘Luke? Luke Brandon?’

  A balding businessman leaning against the concierge’s desk has looked up. He’s had quite a few drinks, I instantly realize from his bloodshot eyes.

  ‘Oh. Hello, Don.’ Luke smiles briefly. ‘How are you? Donald Lister from Alderbury Consulting,’ he introduces him. ‘This is my wife, Becky.’

  A delighted realization is dawning on the man’s flushed face.

  ‘Wait a minute. Shit! Luke Brandon! It’s you!’ He points at Luke as though he’s won the prize and is claiming his ten quid. ‘Bloody hell! Happy birthday, old man! So how was it?’

  The world goes blurry for an instant.

  OK, we have to leave. Now. Trying not to give away my panic, I put my arm through Luke’s and tug gently, but he doesn’t move.

  ‘Good, thanks.’ Luke gives a polite, surprised smile. ‘How on earth did you know?’

  ‘Are you kidding? Everyone’s been—’ The man breaks off as he sees my face. ‘Shit.’ He gives an awkward guffaw. ‘Haven’t given the game away, have I?’

  I want to say something quick and sharp that will neutralize him, I want to rewind, I want to smother this stupid man, get rid of him, go away—

  ‘Is it the bash tonight?’ The man claps a hand over his mouth. ‘Were you on your way— Oh bugger.’

  I want to launch myself at him like a tigress and rip his head off with my teeth. Shut up, shut UP.

  ‘Sorry, sorry! Didn’t say anything.’ He pats the air a few times as though to bury his words, then hastily heads away across the marble floor.

  But he can’t bury his words. They’re out there, like flying ants wheeling in the air.

  For the first time ever, I wish I were married to some stupid, unperceptive, Neanderthal-type moron.

  But Luke’s no moron. And I know him too well. He might look impassive to a stranger, but I could see his mind crunching. I could see exactly when the truth landed. Now his face is carefully blank but it’s there in his eyes. He turns and smiles.

  ‘Well … I’ve got no idea what that was all about,’ he says, his voice a little too hearty.

  He knows.

  I feel numb.

  TWENTY-ONE

  During the long taxi ride we hardly talk. At first I try to keep up a jolly façade but everything I say sounds false and hollow to my own ears. We turn off towards Oxshott and we’re nearly there and I should be bubbling with excitement – but it’s not like I planned at all.

  A sudden tear rolls down my cheek and I brush it away quickly before Luke can see.

  ‘Becky …’ Luke sounds agonized.

  Great. He did see. Even my own stupid body is giving it all away.

  For a moment we just stare at each other and it’s as though marital telepathy is finally kicking in between us. I know what he thinks. I know what he feels. He’d give anything to rewind; he’d give anything not to know. But he can’t un-know.

  ‘Becky …’ Luke looks tortured as he scans my face. ‘Please …’ />
  ‘It’s fine. I just …’

  ‘I don’t …’

  Everything we say is meaningless half-sentences. It’s like neither of us can risk edging near the truth. Then suddenly Luke seems to come to a decision and pulls me close.

  ‘I’ll be surprised,’ he says in an intense, low voice. ‘I will. I don’t know anything. If you knew how touched …’ He breaks off, breathing hard. ‘Becky, please don’t be upset …’ He grabs my hands and crushes them so tight I wince.

  I can’t speak. I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.

  ‘We’ll be there soon.’ I wipe my eyes at last and check my make-up. Suze is all primed with my dress, and Danny is in charge of Luke’s outfit too.

  It’s fine, I tell myself sternly. Even if it’s not exactly what I planned, it’s fine. Luke’s here, I’m here, he’s going to have his party and it’s going to be fabulous.

  ‘Happy birthday, darling,’ I murmur as the taxi pulls into Janice’s drive, and squeeze Luke’s hand.

  ‘What? Why are we pulling in here?’

  Luke is heroically trying to sound like the most astonished person in the world. I wish he wouldn’t. He’s not very good at it.

  ‘Get out …’ I flash him a smile – and even though I know he knows, I can feel the excitement fizzing up again. I mean, he doesn’t know everything. I pay the taxi driver and lead Luke through Janice’s darkened house. The catering staff are either hiding in the kitchen or already in the marquee, but even so, I don’t dare turn on the lights.

  Ow. I just bumped my hip on Janice’s stupid table. Why does she have tables everywhere?

  ‘OK, outside …’ I push him forward, through the French windows into the garden. There’s the marquee, all decorated with twinkly fairy lights and lit up inside – yet completely silent as though two hundred people aren’t gathered inside.

  ‘Becky …’ Luke stops dead and stares. ‘I can’t believe this. I can’t believe what you’ve … Did you arrange all this yourself?’

  ‘Come on!’

  I drag him along the matting to the entrance, my heart suddenly racing. They’d better all be there.

  Of course they’re there.

  I take a deep breath – then pull open the flap to the marquee.

  ‘SURPRISE!!’