“Uh…” Ethan looked at Val. “Maybe I should hang here for a while and see if he relaxes?” As soon as he’d gotten the words out of his mouth, though, Chris held out his arms to his dad.
That hit Ethan like a tsunami of emotion. He felt a sting in his nose and wetness flooding his eyes. The whole fucking world could wash away now, and he took that little miracle in his arms and pulled him close. He had to close his eyes to stop himself from completely losing it.
But there it was—no judgment, no misgivings, just total love, and that’s when Ethan felt that he had a fighting chance in this life.
Chapter Twenty-six
JENNA LAY ON the couch in her living room Friday night. She had a movie on, but she hadn’t been watching it…not really watching it. She was instead thinking about Ethan, wondering how the visit with his son was going.
He hadn’t said much about it, but she could tell he was nervous. He’d even said something about making amends, and Jenna wondered if he was trying to go through the twelve steps that Alcoholic Anonymous encouraged its members to follow. A lot of those suggestions were great for recovering addicts, but some folks just didn’t believe in a higher power, at least not in the personal God way, and—as a counselor—she wouldn’t let their beliefs (or lack thereof) stand in the way of their recovery.
Letting her mind wander further from Ethan for just a moment or so didn’t stop it from snapping back to him after a little bit. She felt almost aglow, her emotions for him were so strong. Yeah, she’d felt that way before, and she knew it was stupid, but she hoped Ethan would be different.
That insecurity, though, that doubt, led Jenna’s thoughts backward, starting with her first real boyfriend, a fresh-faced young man with the cutest cleft in his chin. She’d been a sophomore in high school and he was a senior, and he’d managed to romance himself into her pants. She hated sex then and wondered what the big deal was, even after getting used to it. After feeling aroused by the guy over and over with no ultimate satisfaction, one night she touched herself. It had been leading somewhere, to a place she’d wanted him to take her, so she kept it up until she discovered release.
She still didn’t get the big deal over sex. If he couldn’t do it for her, why should she bother with a relationship? But he was a charming guy, and it wasn’t until his graduation that they both decided they should go their separate ways. Afterwards, she had other boyfriends in high school, but no one worth remembering.
In college, there was a string of semi-boyfriends and a few flings, and she discovered she liked getting naked with guys. Even without a breathtaking orgasm, she was beginning to enjoy the sensation of having someone else touch her and try to make her feel good in her quest to do the same to him. She found early on, though, that alcohol fueled several of those encounters, and it wasn’t until a couple of years later that the realization bothered her. She’d come from a family of alcohol abusers—her dad a heavy drinker—and she didn’t want to become like them. Her father was a great guy some of the time, but when he’d drink, he was a horrible human being, mean, nasty, and unloving…and he drank often. Then Jenna’s older sister would step in and take over, because their mom would leave when their dad was in the middle of one of his drinking streaks. Her sister would take over all the parenting duties, but she’d go overboard. She’d miss school, saying Jenna and their little brother needed her. What angered Jenna the most was how their dad would just let her sister do it. Just another stupid mean thing the asshole had done.
When Jenna realized in college that she was possibly alcohol dependent just like dear old mom and dad, she stopped partying and dug into school hard. She changed her major to psychology and used her studies to try to help her understand why she and her family did what they did. She went straight from commencement into grad school and decided she wanted to become a drug and alcohol counselor. Just those last two years in college spent reading and learning about human behavior helped her get a handle on understanding why she and her entire family did the things they did. Addictions, she found, didn’t just affect the addicted person. Those addictions often made the entire family behave in unhealthy ways and different members would often take on roles that helped the family survive. Outsiders would never get how those things worked.
Being away at school, though, and determined to make a solid life for herself, Jenna for the first time was able to look objectively at her life, her family, and her own person. She didn’t date during the last two years of school, afraid that she wasn’t ready. Knowing the type of dependent personality she’d developed, she was committed to changing herself. It all started with knowledge, and she had gained it in spades.
That’s not to say she didn’t have sex. She just didn’t commit and certainly didn’t want a messy relationship. She had to get to know herself first and learn new behaviors that weren’t just coping skills. She needed to grow strong for real.
By the time she was in grad school, she thought she was ready, thought she could handle a relationship, and believed she was strong enough. She dated a couple of guys and discovered immediately that she had a knack for picking the worst guys. It was like she was drawn to them. And then Donald, the boyfriend from hell…man, that guy had her fooled. He was a charming guy at first. So sweet, doting, caring, and thoughtful. Once she was under his spell, that’s when he started making her feel worthless. Really, his last blow—sexually abusing her—was just another form of making her feel like shit, but it was enough to wake her up. And it had. But by then Jenna could see the pattern…that she chose bad boys every single time, and they really were bad. They weren’t good for her, and it would be better to live alone than to succumb to that kind of relationship again. It wasn’t healthy, and Jenna often wondered if she were really “cured” of anything.
And then she knew…Ethan had to be just like the others. Had to be. He just hadn’t shown his true colors yet. Being aware, though, was half the battle. She’d just have to find a way to remove herself from the relationship before it was too late.
* * *
Ethan looked down at his son’s placid face early Sunday morning. Chris was still asleep, having completely worn himself out the day before. Ethan wasn’t sure what to do with his son at first, so they’d gone to the park on Friday and spent several hours there. He was proud of himself, too, because he’d remembered sunscreen. It was still pretty hot out, though, so they went to McDonald’s after and ate some lunch, but then Chris wanted to go hang out in the play area there as well. Ethan thought it was just as well, because he didn’t have anything at home to entertain his son.
After they’d left, Ethan decided to pick up an Xbox 360 and some games. He knew a lot of the games would be too advanced for Chris, but he’d seen other kids play videogames, and it was like they’d been born with a controller in their hands. When they pulled into the parking lot at Walmart, he saw that Chris was fast asleep in the seat. That’s when he realized he’d forgotten about naptime. He ran to the toy aisles and grabbed a bunch of Mega Bloks too in case Chris wasn’t into games, and then he stopped by the electronics department to grab kid-friendly DVDs.
Chris fell back asleep in the shopping cart, and Ethan realized he also hadn’t planned ahead for kid food at the house, so he went to the food side of the store and picked up juice, cereal, macaroni and cheese, fish sticks, Oreos, and other stuff he thought his son might enjoy eating. On Saturday, they just played videogames until Chris got completely bored, and then Ethan opened the Mega Bloks. The kid played and played and played…and Ethan was wrecked when Chris simply called him Daddy…no Ethan after it.
After dinner, they sat together on the couch and watched a Disney movie. Ethan started feeling bored and spotted one of his guitars in the corner. He hadn’t touched it in months…but there she was, his Little Red Beauty, and she was calling his name, singing to him. He swallowed. He wanted to touch her, make music with her, and the urge was strong…stronger than it had been in months. His son was there, though, and he didn’t want to m
iss a moment with him.
But when the movie was over, Ethan had asked if Chris wanted to watch Daddy make music. He said he did, so Ethan took the guitar out of the stand and played. It was tinny, because he didn’t want to plug it into an amp, but Chris was fascinated. He wanted to touch the strings and try to play himself, so Ethan picked him up in his lap, and they “played” the instrument together. His son’s green eyes lit up as he touched the vibrating strings.
“Like Daddy Brad’s.”
“The guitar?”
“Yeah. Daddy Brad has black guitar.”
“Do you want a guitar?”
Chris nodded. “Red.” He smiled and Ethan smiled back.
Now, on this lovely Sunday morning, Ethan sat on the side of his bed, gazing upon his beautiful son. His hair was a light brown, close to Valerie’s hair color, but his eyes looked just like Ethan’s. Ethan didn’t care anymore if anyone accepted him, loved him, forgave him. All the redemption he’d needed came from the little boy who was soundly asleep.
He was feeling sad, though, because he had to take him back today. Val had said seven o’clock—an hour before his bedtime—was fine. Ethan was pretty sure she understood how important the visit was to him, even though she’d said, “If you have any problems or want to bring him back early, here’s my cell number.”
No…he instead wanted to call and ask if he could keep him the rest of the week. But he knew that was unrealistic. Chris needed stability, and Val could provide it better than Ethan could. Besides, during the upcoming week, Ethan had Soaring Free and two appointments—one with the psychiatrist and one with the psychologist.
When Chris got up, they ate a late breakfast/early lunch and then played until around three o’clock, and Ethan decided that he wanted to introduce his son to the woman who now consumed his thoughts when Chris wasn’t around. He hadn’t seen her since Thursday, and he missed her, ached for her. They hadn’t been together long but, for some reason, she felt right.
Chris was building yet another castle with the colorful plastic blocks while another Disney movie played in the background, and Ethan called Jenna.
She didn’t answer her phone until the third ring. “Hey, Ethan.” Her voice…so sweet. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed her until she spoke.
“Jenna. How are you?”
“I’m okay.”
She sounded distant. “Anything wrong?”
She was quiet for a few seconds and then said, “No. Just… No, I’m okay.” He heard her take in a breath. “How was the visit with your son?”
“Still happening. And, uh…that’s why I was calling. I want you to meet him. I was thinking—”
“Oh, no, Ethan. I don’t want to take away your time together.”
“No…this would mean so much to me. I want you to meet each other, because you’re the two most important people in my life.” Ethan looked over at Chris. His son was talking to himself while he played. “He is without a doubt the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, the one thing I didn’t fuck up.” He smiled. “So what do you say? I’d love to pick you up, and we can all go to dinner. Then I need to take him home to his mother.”
He could hear the hesitation in Jenna’s voice. “Uh…”
“We won’t be at Val’s long. I promise.”
After a few seconds, she said, “Yeah, okay. Sure.”
He could tell she was feeling a little odd about it, but he was sure once she met Chris, she’d be glad she came along, so they made plans, and Ethan said he’d pick her up in a couple of hours. In the meantime, though, he was going to get on the floor and play blocks with his son one more time.
Chapter Twenty-seven
DINNER HAD BEEN pleasant enough. Chris was one of the cutest kids Jenna had ever seen. He had Ethan’s eyes, nose, lips, and chin, and she wondered if the kid had any of his mother’s traits. He looked a lot like his dad, with one exception—the reddish tint in Ethan’s hair wasn’t evident in his son’s hair at all. His disposition was different too. The child was happy and all smiles, whereas Ethan was introspective a lot and somber sometimes, although Jenna had seen him coming out from under that cloud more of late.
When they left the restaurant, Jenna felt herself tense up again. Yeah, Ethan was right about one thing—she felt nervous about having to meet his ex. More than that, though, she knew she was beginning to fall hard for him, but she’d already decided to back off, and here he was making it difficult for her. Well, she knew he needed her support, especially right now. This moment in time had to be hard on him, and she was going to stand by him as he walked through it. That didn’t mean she had to be with him forever.
She took a deep breath and looked out the passenger window as they drove down 6th Avenue. It hurt already, the realization that she was going to have to let Ethan go. She had begun to harbor feelings for him that were making it hard for her to do what she needed to do, but she knew it would be easier for both of them to do it now rather than wait until later. The longer she waited, the harder it would be.
So they just listened to the radio in silence, but Chris would talk once in a while, and when he did, Ethan would turn the music down low. He finally kept the volume lower so he wouldn’t have to keep adjusting it. Jenna smiled, letting him know that was fine with her.
After a while, Ethan pulled the car in front of a white one-story house in a quiet neighborhood. He shut off the engine and Jenna felt relief. The radio station had been playing Bullet for My Valentine’s “Tears Don’t Fall, Pt. 2,” and it felt like a statement directed at her…like she didn’t care, hadn’t listened to Ethan.
She clenched her jaw, knowing it was just her own guilty conscience, and then she forced a smile on her face and looked over at Ethan. She got out of the car and joined him on the other side. Ethan already had the back passenger door open on his side and was unstrapping Chris from his car seat. “Can I help with anything?”
“Yeah, if you don’t mind. I’ll get his diaper bag out of the trunk, but you could get the car seat. You just unbuckle it and—”
“Got it.” She’d never been a mom, but she knew how car seats worked. When she was working on her CAC certification, she interned in a Child Protection office, and one of the things she did was go with caseworkers when they had to transport kids. The car seats were a staple, so she’d had plenty of experience with them. She also had plenty of time observing what the caseworkers had to deal with and knew she didn’t want to use her degree to work for Social Services. The things they had to deal with were heartbreaking, and she had enough baggage from her own childhood. She knew she wouldn’t be helpful to those children while reliving her own youth.
She didn’t realize Ethan had been waiting for her until she pulled the seat out of the car and closed the door, turning around. Both of them walked up the sidewalk together toward the house. Chris was getting drowsy. Jenna could tell, because his eyelids were getting droopy.
Before they made it to the steps, a tall man opened the door. Jenna recognized him as the other guitarist and vocalist of Fully Automatic, Brad Payne. From everything she’d read and heard over the years, Brad was the driving force behind the band, and knowing what she knew of Ethan, she could believe it. The way Ethan had told it, Ethan himself was often present in body only, not just for shows and recording sessions but every waking moment. Jenna couldn’t imagine functioning that way, and yet she knew so many people did.
Brad smiled and asked, “Was he good for you?” He got close to Jenna and as an aside said, “Here, I can take that.”
As Jenna handed the car seat to Brad, Ethan said, “Yeah, but I didn’t expect otherwise.”
Brad nodded. “He’s a great kid.” He leaned over and grinned at Chris. “But you know that, don’t you, buddy?” He touched him on the nose with his index finger and then turned around, setting the car seat on the porch.
“Brad, this is Jenna McCormick. She’s a drug and alcohol counselor,” he said and then looked at her out of the corner of his eye an
d added, “and my girlfriend.”
Jenna considered protesting. Lovers might have been a good term or even saying they were dating might have been appropriate, but girlfriend? That seemed a little rushed…and yet a small part of her liked how that word felt.
No. No, she couldn’t go there. She’d already promised herself.
Brad nodded. “Nice to meet you.” He shoved his hands in his jeans. “Ethan’s like a brother to me.”
She smiled, unable to help herself. Brad had a charisma that made her feel instantly relaxed, like they’d known each other for years. “He’s said the same about you.”
A striking woman walked out of the house then. She was about Jenna’s height with long brown hair, but it was her visible tattoos and piercings that caught Jenna’s eye. This had to be Valerie. She was beautiful, and now Jenna could tell which features of hers Chris had inherited. Her influence on his looks was more subtle than Ethan’s, but she was clearly this child’s mother. Like Brad, Jenna could sense her presence before she even said a word. Chris said, “Mama.”
Valerie flashed a white smile. “My baby! How are you, baby boy?”
Chris reached for her, and she pulled him into her arms. She closed her eyes and pressed him into her, tousling his hair before kissing him on the cheek. “Did you have fun with Daddy Ethan?”
“Yes.”
Jenna thought that was strange—why not just daddy? She tried not to be obvious when she looked over at Ethan. He was taking that odd address with amazing calmness. “Uh, I was wanting to ask about that…to see when I can have him again. Could we maybe work something out before all the legal paperwork gets done?”
“Uh, yeah. Can I talk to you about that in private?”
Jenna didn’t think that sounded good. Great. He was going to get a hell of a blow. There was no way she was going to be able to call off their relationship tonight. Ethan was still fragile, and she knew he could only deal with one setback at a time. Shit. Well, that’s what happened when you let your hormones rule your head.
Rock Bottom (Bullet) Page 19
