“No,” I muttered, and broke our kiss. I pushed her off me.
“What the fuck, Ash?”
I fixed my jeans and refused to look at her. “I’ll get you a cab home.”
“Seriously?”
I walked back up the small alley and back out onto the sidewalk, trying my best not to show her how embarrassed I was.
“You know what, Ash?” she said, marching up behind me. “Your wife has been dead a long time. You need to move the fuck on before you wind up a lonely old bastard.”
“I’ll take my chances,” I replied, eyeballing her.
“Fuck you!” She walked back down toward the bar.
I let out a long exasperated breath and brushed her words off, heading back to the only place I wanted to be—home. Everything else could go to hell.
Jake snuggled close to me. His soft little cheeks had a nice rosy glow. My son was so like his mother that it broke my heart every time I looked at him. He brought the greatest sense of comfort to me, I was sure I’d never survive if something ever happened to him.
I swallowed the hard ball at the back of my throat and resisted the lure of my grief. More than twelve months had passed since my wife’s death, but it still was so very new to us both. Adjusting had been hard. It wasn’t a quick process.
I glanced at the picture beside the bed and smiled. Connie was everything a guy needed. I’d fallen in love with her when I saw her in the school library when we were both sixteen years old. Nothing broke the spell, not until the cold hands of fate tore her from my side.
I closed my eyes, moments away from losing my composure. A headache loomed at the back of my head. The bitter taste of my brief encounter with Tracey left me regretting ever leaving the bar with her and being there in the first place.
Breathe, you dumbass, I thought, resting my arm across my face.
Jake stirred from his sleep and let out a yawn, stretching his arms out. “Good morning, Daddy,” he mumbled, cuddling into my side.
“Morning to you, too, buddy.”
I turned onto my side and pulled him into my arms. Morning cuddles were always the best. He was so warm and snugly, I would have been happy enough to stay there all day.
“I’m hungry,” he whispered in my ear.
“How about pancakes?”
He shot me a look and a cheeky grin before breaking free from my arms and jumping off the bed. “I’ll beat ya,” he shouted.
Jake exited the room, zoomed up the hallway, and giggled as I ran after him.
“Not if I get you first,” I shouted after him, much to his delight.
Every morning, I made it my mission to begin each day with a positive vibe. No matter how life liked to defeat me, I faced it all head on and refused to allow any of the sadness to affect Jake.
Jake pushed his stool over to the counter and handed me the whisk. He waited patiently for me to get the flour out of the cupboard.
“Daddy?” Jake asked.
I set the eggs next to the bowl, peering down at him. “Yup?”
“Do you think Mommy misses us?” His gorgeous blue eyes focused on me, and I nearly crumbled in front of him.
“Of course, she does.” My voice quavered. I knelt down in front of him. “What’s brought this on?”
He scratched his nose and shrugged. “Zach said she can’t because dead people don’t have feelings.”
His revelation caught me off guard, like a blow to the head, and my stomach churned.
“Hey, that’s just complete nonsense,” I said, pulling him into my arms and sitting him down on the counter. “Your mommy misses us both, just like we miss her.”
“But Zach said she can’t.”
“Don’t listen to Zach.”
“Why?” He stared at me, a look of confusion spreading across his face.
“Because sometimes, people say things when they don’t really understand what they’re saying,” I replied, trying my best to keep control of the situation.
Jake’s eyes bored deep into mine before he smiled. “Okay.”
That’s the thing about children. They depend on you for guidance and the truth, accepting whatever you tell them. Zach’s planting the horrible seed of doubt in my child’s mind angered me. Then, I remembered that Zach was just another four-year-old, unsure of the universe we lived in or how it all worked.
“So how about those pancakes, huh?”
“Yes, make mine with chocolate sprinkles.” Jake beamed and leapt into my arms, hugging me tight.
“You got it, buddy.”
I held onto him, inhaling his sweet scent. He was mine, and I had to protect him. I made a vow to Connie during the days that led up to her death, and I swore I’d always remind him of how much she loved him and how she’d miss him. I refused to allow him to forget the beautiful angel who gave him life.
Once the pancakes were done, we tucked into our meal, devouring every piece, and then the day was ours.
Jake held my hand tight as we crossed the road.
It was one of those days. I wanted nothing more than to become lost with him, spending time in our favorite place. I wanted to help him remember his mother, and in doing that, I kept her spirit alive. At least that’s what I’d convinced myself.
Lincoln Park Zoo had been that one place where Connie and I would let the stresses of our lives whittle away. In its place, we surrounded ourselves with the things that made us happy. In Connie’s case, it was animals and her tiresome work. Her contentment had been enough for me.
“Can we stop by the rhinoceroses first?” Jake asked, gripping my hand tight.
“What do you think?” I winked at him.
Jake grinned and let go of my hand. “Come on, Daddy. We’ll miss feeding time.”
I laughed. We walked up to the kiosk and got our ticket.
“Hey there, stranger,” Andy said, tearing the end of the ticket.
“Don’t give me a hard time. It’s been a week.”
Andy let us through and gave Jake a high five. “Hey there, buddy. Your daddy, here, is slacking.”
Jake rolled his eyes.
“Go easy on me.”
“Sure,” Andy replied, nodding as we walked away. “Hey, Marcy will be glad to see you.”
I shook my head and ignored the comment. Of course, Jake wasn’t exactly stupid.
“Marcy Warcy?”
“She’s your mommy’s friend, remember? The lady who likes to ruffle your hair.”
Jake looked up at me. A puzzled expression swept across his face.
“The lady doctor who helps look after the animals,” I said, coaxing him to remember.
“Oh, the lady with the funny hair?”
I let out a little chuckle. It was wrong of me to do, but I couldn’t help it. To a little boy, dreadlocks were probably funny looking.
“Her hair isn’t that funny,” I said.
“It is, Daddy.” He giggled.
“Jake, you know it’s not nice to make fun of people just because they look different.”
His shoulders slouched, and he glared at his feet. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, look at me.” I dropped down to his level and tilted his head up with my hand. “It’s okay. Just think before you say something that might hurt someone’s feelings.”
“I promise,” he replied, and held my hand. “Now can we go feed the rhinoceros?”
I couldn’t say no, not when he looked at me with those eyes of his.
“Yes.” I gave his hand a gentle squeeze.
We slipped in through the door and were met by a familiar face.
“Well, look at what the cat dragged in,” Shane remarked, and held his hand out to me.
“Yeah, it’s been like, what?”
“A week. We missed his face around here,” Shane said, looking at Jake.
“It’s been one of those weeks.”
“It always is in your area of expertise,” he replied, and sm
iled.
Shane had been Connie’s colleague. In his own words, he cleaned shit for a living, yet Connie always treated everyone equally.
“Is Daisy hungry?” Jake asked.
Shane turned his attention to Jake and rested his hand on the shaft of his shovel. “Daisy is always hungry, kiddo. Why not go tell Cynthia to let you throw in some more leaves?”
Jake happily skipped off to where a tall, skinny woman stood with a chart in her hand.
“I hear Marcy is about,” Shane remarked.
“Don’t you start.”
I shook my head. I wasn’t in the mood to discuss Marcy, but Shane wasn’t one to take the hint.
“Seriously, she’s here. She was wondering about your whereabouts on Wednesday. Marcy likes when the kid comes in.”
“I bet she does.”
“Ah, man, don’t be like that. She’s just a little clingy. She and Connie were friends, remember?”
I hated the guilt trip. “I don’t think there’s any chance of forgetting that.”
“Ash, you gotta understand that this has been hard on her, too,” Shane muttered, trying not to let anyone else hear our conversation.
I glared at him, before taking a deep breath. “I don’t want to talk about this. Not here, and certainly not now.”
Shane shrugged his shoulders, frowned at me, and took a step back. “Well, you know the door’s always open, man.”
“I know, and I appreciate it, man, I really do. I just need to focus on Jake and building our future.”
Shane went back to work and left me stewing.
He was right, of course. I’d been so offhand with Marcy in recent weeks and hadn’t taken her concerns into consideration. She meant well, but I didn’t want her stepping in, thinking she could take over the role of mother. I had the job well covered.
“I was wondering when you’d show your face,” a voice said from behind me.
I closed my eyes, sucking in a huge lungful of air before turning around and facing her.
“Marcy,” I said.
She glared at me over the rim of her glasses, her eyebrows furrowed. “You promised me that I could spend time with him every Wednesday, Ash. Like what’s the deal? You’ve ignored my calls, my texts. I even stopped by the station and nothing.”
“I’m sorry, but I was busy, and the week just went by fast. I never thought about coming here or anything in between. Besides, Jake is too preoccupied with his own little world. He doesn’t really know you all that well.”
Marcy walked past me and gazed at Jake, who was busy throwing in large handfuls of leaves into the enclosure. She turned and glared at me.
“I know what this is about. This is about you controlling everything. We had a deal, and you seem to forget that every time you let me down.”
“Marcy, he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t need to know the gory details.”
“Well, here’s the thing, Ash. You can’t control every aspect of his life. He will find out eventually. One day he’s going to be a man and will have more than a handful of questions steamrolling your way.”
“Listen, I didn’t come here to have you bust my balls.”
I raised my voice. I couldn’t help it. She got under my skin, forever the martyr, and it drove me insane.
“No, of course, you didn’t. You keep coming here because it’s the one place you think you feel close to Connie. You need to wake up, Ash, before you lose yourself to the past.” She didn’t say another word and turned on her heels, walking up to where Jake and Cynthia stood, and patting him on the head.
Marcy Jackson, long-time friend of my dead wife, philanthropist, and in general, a pain in the ass. There was a time when I had huge respect for her. Perhaps, I still did. Like so many things in life, perspectives change. Your opinions distort. They become something you never imagined, your original loyalty crumbles, and there is nothing left but rubble.
I hated how I felt toward her and despised how she convinced herself that it was okay to step in and try to become something I didn’t want or need. Most people assumed there was a hint of romance or the beginning of one between us. Their suspicions couldn’t have been farther from the truth.
Jake glanced at me and giggled. “Come here, Daddy.” He waved at me and laughed hard. “Daisy is doing a gigantic poo.”
A few bystanders glared at him, while soft laughter echoed all around. He was just a kid, but I still had to reel his enthusiasm in.
“Hey, you can’t say that out loud,” I whispered into his ear, and lifted him into my arms.
“Why?”
“Because some people think it’s a bad word.” I tried not to laugh.
“The “s” word is a bad word. Poo is just a poo word.” An earnest look spread across his face, and I had to admit defeat.
“How about we leave here and go see the lions, huh?” I suggested, changing the subject.
“Yaaay!” he shouted.
My little idea saved me from encountering further embarrassment and looks of condemnation.
We walked out of the enclosure.
A little girl sat on a bench nearby, licking an ice cream cone.
Jake eyed the cone. “Can I have an ice cream?”
“After we see the lions.”
“No, I want one now,” he whined.
“Jake, have some patience.”
“But I want one now, Daddy.” His voice got louder.
Jesus Christ, I thought, eyeing the line in front of the vendor and let out a sigh of exasperation.
“Please, Daddy, please.” Jake tugged at my shirt.
Giving in was always my downfall. It was something Connie had warned me to work on. I was still failing.
“Okay, okay, but you have to stop acting like this,” I said.
“Alright!” Jake stared ahead, his eyes wide. He saw other children eating their creamy delights.
Several minutes passed before our turn to be served arrived.
A woman came bouncing up the line and stepped in front of me.
“Excuse me?” I hissed.
“You’re excused,” she replied in a French accent.
She completely disregarded me and continued to speak to the server.
“Excuse me, ma’am, but you might not have seen the queue. There’s a line with people waiting for their turn to be served.”
She turned her head, looking me up and down. “Go back to your gang. You know, the ones where all you people like to hang out.” She dismissed me with a flick of her hand.
“What the—? All you people?” Anger swarmed inside me.
“Yeah, you people, all tatted up like you’re making some ridiculous statement.” She pointed at my neck and arms. “Disgusting!”
“Seriously? You’re going to go there?”
“Sir,” the man behind me said.
“What?”
“I think she’s just getting some napkins,” the man remarked.
The woman stood in front of me with a hand on her hip, holding a bunch of napkins in the other. “If only you had been patient.”
“And if you had better manners and spoke to me like I’m human,” I said, and turned away from her. Grabbing Jake’s hand, I glanced back at her and saw her facial expressions as she discussed me as I walked away.
“But I want ice cream,” Jake cried.
I gazed down at him and felt bad. “Let’s go to Dairy Queen instead.”
“Okay.” He sniffled and wiped his face.
As days go, it was horrible. All the negativity was certainly trying its best to smother me, but I refused to allow it. Jake wanted to devour some ice cream, and I wasn’t going to let him down. That bitch at the zoo had gotten under my skin. She was the kind of person to give the French a bad name.
Thank God for the windy city and never having to see her face again.
“Boys, boys, there’s no need to act like a pack of premenstrual bitches,” Danny shouted. “Just accept
it. I won this month, and not one of you has a leg to stand on.”
“And neither will you, McGregor, because that dick of yours will fall off before you get the chance to stand on any kind of leg,” Chuck mocked, and the room erupted into laughter.
I sat back, drank my coffee, and said nothing. I enjoyed watching the guys rip each other apart. It always cheered me up, especially after a bad night.
Danny, regardless of his cocky confidence, wasn’t the ladies man he tried to let on. He was a loveable rogue who wanted nothing more than his forever. It was just taking him a while to figure out who she was and where she was. He looked at me and shook his head. The insults rolled off him like water off a duck.
He strolled over to where I sat and took the seat next to me. “Are you and Jake still coming to the game on Thursday night?” He changed the subject as if the piss had never been taken out of him.
“I’m team captain. It would be rude of me not to show up,” I replied.
“Are you okay, man?” he asked, keeping his voice low.
I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, why?”
“You seem off.”
“I’m good, Scout’s honor,” I lied.
“Don’t lie to me.”
Danny stared at me in contemplation. He wasn’t going to let it go.
“Listen, I don’t want to talk about it here. You know I don’t bring my personal shit into work.” I set my coffee cup down and stood. “Stop by for some pizza tonight. Jake’s been asking about his Uncle Danny.”
Danny nodded. When I invited him over for pizza, there was something deeper in need of discussing and a chance of beer.
I sat finishing my incident report when Joe’s voice boomed up the stairs. “We are a close-knit team here. We work alongside each other, and support each other at every incident. There is no room for tardiness or lack of motivation. Here, we are proactive and use our own initiative when not out saving lives.”
I looked up from the paperwork and saw his brawny frame overshadowing the new recruit. Shaking my head, I smirked. I remember getting the same spiel when I first came here to work. Underneath all the harsh words, Joe was a decent chief. He just liked to show off his rank every now and then.
Ash Page 2
