I shook my head and signed my name.
“Benton!” Joe cried.
“Yes, sir?” I glanced up and saw him walk toward me, the shadow of the new recruit a few feet behind.
I pushed myself to my feet and stood to attention. It was a bit of a habit, one I couldn’t kick. I was sure Joe appreciated it.
“We’ve a new addition to the family,” he announced. “Sophia Dubois, meet Lieutenant Benton. He’ll fill you in on all the jargon and the goings-on in this place.” Joe stepped to the side and glanced at the woman. A grin spread across his face. “Don’t be so shy. He won’t bite.”
Joe walked back across the hall and into his office.
The familiar face in front of me caught me by surprise.
“You!” she said, glaring at me.
“Small world, huh?” I folded my arms across my chest, the heavy ink on my forearms on display.
She rolled her eyes and smirked. “Apparently,” she said in her French accent.
“You do know how to follow rules, right?” I asked, unable to help myself. “And not to mention judging people before you know anything about them. Because if you have a problem with biting that bitter tongue of yours, this department really isn’t suitable for you.”
She chuckled and moved closer to me. “I didn’t work my tail off for some inked-up jock—isn’t that what you people call yourselves?—to tell me what a suitable place of work is. As if I’d listen to you.”
“Well, the thing is, I’m your superior, so technically you have to play ball,” I replied, irked by her response.
“Hmm, we shall see. Anyway, as much as I am enjoying this,” she pointed her finger at me, “I’d much rather be with those on my level.”
“Be my guest.” I stepped aside and watched her walk out of the office into the dining area, much to the amusement of a few of the guys.
I didn’t give a shit whether she was new or not. She had a serious attitude problem. After our initial meeting at the zoo, she wasn’t the kind of person I wanted to be associated with. Yet, here she was, in my station, working under the same roof as me, and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.
By the time my shift was over, I jumped in my car without saying goodbye to the guys and headed straight home. I loved my job. Between it and Jake, it gave me a reason to get up each day and live my life. There were days when I could have done without some of the bullshit. Today had been one of those days.
I pulled up outside my apartment and sat in silence for a few minutes before heading in. I just needed a few minutes grace. It was something of a habit these days, and I liked the two minutes to myself before putting on my dad hat. Several minutes later, I unlocked the front door and heard Jake thundering up the hallway.
“Daddy’s home!” he shouted. “Daddy’s home!” He ran toward me and jumped into my arms.
I barely had time to set my bag down.
“Hey, kiddo,” I said, and kissed his cheek. “How’ve you been today?”
“Good,” he replied.
I walked to the kitchen where my mother stood by the sink.
“And how’s Grandma been, huh?” I said, winking at her.
Jake looked at me. His mouth curved into a smile and it made me laugh.
“Erm, how’ve you been, Grandma?”
My mother giggled, set down the drying cloth, and walked over to where I stood. “I’ve been good,” she replied, and playfully pinched Jake on the nose. “Give your daddy two minutes. Off you go.” She coaxed Jake out of my arms.
He ran into the living room as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
I kissed my mother’s cheek and took off my jacket.
“You look tired,” she remarked.
“Yeah.” I ran a hand across the back of my neck. “It’s been a long day.”
“Are you sleeping any better?” She examined me, trying to read my face.
My mother could never quite get it right. I suppose I didn’t give too much of myself away. It made her feel like she couldn’t help me, but being a man on the verge of hitting thirty-years-old, I couldn’t depend on her to constantly pick me up or mend my wounded soul. It wasn’t fair on either of us, so I left the burdens of my pain hidden.
“I get enough to get by,” I replied, and sat down at the breakfast bar.
“Hmm, is Jake still sleeping in beside you?” She raised a brow.
“He wakens every night.”
My mother sighed. “Ashley, I’ve told you that you’ve got to break that habit of his. He’s getting too old.”
“Mom, I know, but it’s kinda hard when I’m exhausted, and trying to get him to go back to sleep in his own room. I’m hoping he grows out of it.”
I fiddled with the placemat and avoided meeting my mother’s gaze.
“Honey, are things getting too much?” Her voice sounded softer.
I glanced at her and closed my eyes. “It’s just hard. Between trying to balance my shifts and Jake’s school run and activities, it’s just so damned hard. I feel like I can’t catch my breath.”
My mother sat down on the stool beside me and touched my hand.
“I’m not looking for sympathy, Mom,” I said. “I’m just a little lost.”
“Sweetheart, you were dealt a shitty hand, that much no one can deny, but you’re doing an amazing job with Jake. Look at that little boy and tell me that he doesn’t believe for a second that he’s not loved. You’re a wonderful father, and are just too hard on yourself. You need to think of your own needs, not just Jake’s.”
I didn’t want her seeing the weak and sorry excuse she had for a son. “Every time I look at him, I see Connie. And every time I think of her, I’m reminded that I’m never going to see her again. It kills me in a way I can’t explain.”
“Oh, Ashley.” She gently squeezed my hand. “I know you’re still hurting, but you can’t go through this alone. Let me help more. I can have Jake a few nights a week, that way you don’t need to feel pressured into trying to do it all.”
Shaking my head, I stood and walked to the sink. I rested my hands on the cold stainless steel and gripped it tight.
“Not happening. He’s my child. I will deal with it. Besides, you do enough already.”
“Ashley,” she said.
I cut her off. “Mom, please, I know you’re trying to help, but I need to do this on my own.”
I turned around and saw the pain in her eyes.
“You’re not going to back down, are you?” she asked. She stood, grabbing her keys and purse from the counter.
“I’m sorry. You know I love you, and I appreciate everything you do for me, but I need to do this my own way.”
She walked over to me, touched my face, and smiled. “You’re so handsome. You make me proud every day. Promise me you won’t lose who you are to this grief.”
I took her hand and kissed the back of it. “I promise.”
“Very well. I’ll pick Jake up after daycare tomorrow,” she said, making her way up the hall. “Your father is taking him to the zoo on Wednesday, and I believe we’re all going to Mackenzie’s charity game on Thursday night.”
“See? Everything is under control.” I followed in her wake, trying to sound a little chirper.
“Bye, Jake,” she shouted into the living room.
Jake waved at her and turned his attention back to his Lego set.
“Bye, Mom. Thanks again.” I kissed her cheek.
“Make sure he sleeps in his own bed, and you get some rest,” she ordered, closing the door behind her.
I rested my head against the door and closed my eyes for the umpteenth time, trying to think of a time when life wasn’t this stressful.
“Daddy?” Jake asked.
I turned my head and saw him standing in the doorway, staring at me. “What’s up?”
“Are you sad?”
I laughed and shook my head. “Nope. I’m just tired.”
“Can I play Minecraft?”
“It’s nearly bedtime,” I replied, glancing at my watch.
“Please!”
“Okay, for fifteen minutes, then it’s bedtime.” I smiled at him.
He ran and hugged me before zooming into the living room and picking up the Playstation controller.
While Jake played his game, I took a quick shower, washing away the day, the grime, and the irritation.
By the time I got out of the shower and checked on him, Jake was rubbing his eyes and yawning.
“Right,” I said, grabbing the remote and switching off the television. “Game time is over.”
“Okay, Daddy,” he replied, yawning once more.
On a good day, Jake made parenting easy. He listened and tried his best to be independent. It couldn’t have made me prouder. My son was funny, with an amazing sense of humor, a little like his mother, and he always brought out the better man in me.
“How do you make a tissue dance?” he asked as I helped him into bed.
“I’ve no idea.”
He giggled. “You put a little boogie in it.”
It was impossible not to laugh. Jake’s laughter was infectious.
I joined in, shaking my head at how ridiculous the joke was. I was impressed that he could articulate it in a way that had us both nearly crying.
“Right, kiddo, sleep time.”
Jake snuggled down into his pillow and cuddled his teddy to his chest.
I kissed his forehead and ruffled his hair.
He giggled and yawned again.
“Sleep tight. I love you,” I said.
“I love you, too.”
Switching off the light, I left the room, leaving the door ajar. I felt hopeful that he’d stay in his room the whole night, but who was I kidding?
Danny popped another beer open and sat back on the sofa. The pizza was almost cold, and I wasn’t hungry for more.
“Did you see that new girl today?” he asked.
“Yup.”
“She’s hot.” He gave me that cheesy grin of his.
“Danny, don’t even go there.”
Taking a swig of beer, he glared at me. “Why not?”
“She’s new. You don’t even know her. She could be your biggest mistake yet.”
“Or the best fuck a guy can get,” he replied, and grinned. “Aww, c’mon, she’s French. They might do it differently.”
Sometimes, Danny couldn’t help himself. I remember our first year of training. He’d made a list of all the girls in our class he intended on bedding. It wasn’t that he was a player, but more of a case of his convincing himself it was a right of passage. He didn’t listen to reasoning then, and he sure as hell wasn’t about to start now.
“I get the feeling she’s not like that,” I remarked.
“You only just met her today. How can you possibly know?” He sat forward and grabbed a slice of the cold pizza.
“Put it like this. She’s got a tongue in her head and isn’t afraid of using it in a bitter and twisted way.”
Danny bit into the pizza, chewed a few times, and smirked. “And you got all that today from your first ever encounter with the beautiful Miss Dubois?”
I ran a hand over my face, set my beer on the floor, and sighed.
“What? What did I say?”
“I had an exchange of words with Miss Dubois at the zoo last weekend,” I admitted.
Danny’s face lit up.
“No, nothing like that,” I said, shaking my head. “She was actually very rude.”
“Like how?” Danny chortled.
“She insulted me because of my tats and totally judged me.”
An incredulous look spread across Danny’s face. He looked at my arms and neck, and pulled a face.
“Well, I suppose to those who aren’t so familiar with a little body art, you do come across as a . . . How should I say it?”
“Don’t fucking say it,” I warned him.
“A thug!” He grinned and earned himself a set of cushions thrown at his face. “Hey, c’mon, you know how this works. Some girls dig the art, and some just don’t get it. Maybe the new girl isn’t into the whole ink thing. It wouldn’t be the first time.”
Danny loved to bring that up every damned time. “Yeah, well, all the Marcy’s of the world can kiss my ass.”
“Hmmm.”
He made the sound as if to say he agreed. There was certainly no love lost between him and Marcy. Not after everything she did to him. He tolerated her because she was Connie’s friend, but there was a fine line between them, and it was as frayed as it could get.
“Marcy’s been on my case,” I blurted out.
“Fuck me, that woman makes me wanna gouge my eyes out and eat them. Why bother now?”
I glared at him. “You know why. I can’t cut the ties that easily.”
“Fuck sake, Ash. She can’t keep this over your head for the rest of your life.”
“Nope, but she’s giving it a pretty good try,” I replied.
Danny stood and walked to the window. He stared out into the busy street below. He shoved his hands into his pocket and his posture changed.
“I warned you guys about letting her help. I had a bad feeling back then, but neither of you would listen. You saw what she did to me, which should have been a clear warning.”
Hearing Danny say those words after all this time forced me to relive the past, one I didn’t want to remember.
Connie sat on the bathroom floor crying. The bloodstained pants she’d worn were crumpled in a heap in the bath. Her eyes were puffy.
I sat down beside her, knowing nothing I could do would take her pain away.
“I love you,” I muttered, pulling her into my arms.
“I’m not sure how much more of this I can take,” she cried.
I didn’t want to let her go. The thought of her hurting like this made me feel weak and useless. What kind of man was I when I couldn’t help the woman I loved?
“We won’t do this anymore,” I said, trying to hold back my own tears. “Let’s just accept fate. I can’t watch you do this to yourself. It’s destroying me.”
Connie broke free from our embrace and glared at me. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She screamed, her face twisted with rage.
“Destroying you? Oh, my fucking God, Ash. I’m the one who can’t carry a baby for any length of time. My body has failed me, not you. You’re not being destroyed. You’re just a bystander. You aren’t the one crippled in pain, knowing you can’t do the one thing a woman is meant to do. For all I know, you blame me for not being able to give you a child.”
This isn’t you Connie, I thought. No matter what I said, I suspected I would be public enemy number one. She was angry and hated herself. Perhaps, she despised me. Yet, through all the pain and anguish, Connie would come out on the other side stronger than before.
I didn’t respond, not wanting to cause an argument. All I wanted was for Connie to clean herself up so that I could take her to the hospital.
“Please, just listen to me,” I whispered.
She shook her head and continued sobbing.
“Connie, look at me.”
My wife wiped the back of her hand under her nose. Her eyes met mine.
“Baby or no baby, I will love you, always. Do you understand me?” I said, touching the side of her face. “This destroys me because you’re in pain. I can’t help you the way a man should, and this is beyond my control. I hate it.”
Connie closed her eyes and let out a horrible wail. She crept into my arms and sobbed.
“I’m sorry . . . I’m so sorry.”
I held onto her for the longest time. Nothing made me feel more broken than when my wife’s heart shattered.
Reminded of the very thing that pushed us toward Marcy was enough to make me recoil in devastation. Some would say I was a selfish and ungrateful man, but in reality, a deal had been made, and she was
the one who suddenly changed her mind.
“I don’t know what to do,” I mumbled, picking at the paper wrapped around the neck of the beer bottle.
Danny’s eyes met mine. “You need to tell her to back the fuck off, or I will.”
“C’mon, I can’t do that. I promised Connie.”
Danny shot me another look of disdain and shook his head. “Connie begged us all to make a lot of promises. That doesn’t mean you have to keep every single one. Jesus, man, if you continue to let Marcy call the shots, you’re going to lose control of the situation and she will have won.”
Danny was right. I didn’t have the balls to face Marcy head on.
“She doesn’t have rights, does she?”
“No, of course not. Those were relinquished.”
“Then, there you go. What have you got to worry about?”
For a moment, I was on his wavelength, but reality was much different. Connie’s dying wish was for me to include Marcy in Jake’s life. So far, I had done anything but that.
“I don’t want her coming along and fucking things up. What if she gets nasty and decides to turn Jake’s world upside-down?”
Danny scoffed at the idea. “Because if she does something like that, she loses out big time. And that’s a fact.”
“Yeah,” I mused.
Danny changed the subject. “So, let’s return to the lovely Sophia Dubois.”
I laughed and relaxed a little. “What about her?”
“Well, can you see her and me, ya know, getting it on?” he asked with a wink.
I cringed at the thought. “Man, that is a horrible thing to think about.”
“But ya gotta admit she’s hot, right?” He smirked as the words rolled off his tongue.
“She’s alright, I suppose.”
Danny shot to his feet and laughed.
I, on the other hand, sat back, rested my hands behind my head, and grinned, watching the changing expressions flitting across my best friend’s face.
“That is a complete let down, man. What’s happened to my boy? Where have you put him?”
“He’s exhausted and has to get up for work in the morning, just like you.” I chortled, getting up from the sofa and grabbing the empty bottles of beer from the coffee table.
Ash Page 3
