Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  “Yeah, I know a cop out when I hear one,” Danny remarked, following me into the kitchen with the empty pizza box. “I was just about to head home.”

  “Sure, you were.”

  Danny drank the last of his beer. He set the bottle on the counter and belched. Picking up his jacket from the behind the chair, the corners of his mouth turned up.

  “I’ll see you on the flipside, Benton,” he said, saluting me and walking to the front door. “Just remember what I told you.”

  “Yup, like always, I take everything you say on board,” I lied.

  “Yeah, and we both know you like to ignore all that shit.” He grinned. “But I won’t take offense. I’m not a pussy.”

  “See you tomorrow, Danny,” I replied.

  He slipped out the door and whistled as he walked down the flight of stairs.

  I closed the door and couldn’t wait to turn in. Switching off the lights, I put my phone to charge next to my bed and checked in on Jake.

  So far so good, I thought, creeping out of the room.

  I threw my shirt over the dresser and peeled my jeans off, slipping into bed. I closed my eyes and tried to push everything to the back of my mind, but all the pain and swirling anger was impossible to ignore.

  “The cancer has spread outside the womb, but is still within the pelvis.”

  The words thundered through my head so fast, I felt dizzy. I looked at Connie.

  She sat frozen in her chair. Her face unreadable.

  “What does this mean?” she asked.

  The oncologist set his pen down and stared at the two of us. “You will require surgery. More than likely, a total hysterectomy, which involves the additional removal of the cervix, as well as the removal of the pelvic lymph nodes.”

  Connie let out a small sigh and turned her face away from both the doctor and I.

  “No babies, ever!” she muttered. Her posture slumped, and she pressed a hand against her mouth.

  “Mrs. Benton,” the doctor said, “we have previously discussed the options of embryo cryopreservation.”

  This was news to me. I glared at Connie, but she refused to look at me.

  “But that would mean putting off treatment, right?” Connie asked.

  “Yes, by several weeks, but if your desire is to have a family, then that option is available. The window of opportunity will cease if we delay.” The doctor stopped talking and looked at me.

  I didn’t know what to think. A part of me wanted to wake up from the nightmare. I wished our life would go back to normal.

  The sound of Connie’s voice made it all the more real.

  “Okay, let’s do it,” she said without consulting me.

  “Connie, shouldn’t we discuss this?”

  I was perplexed. She was willing to put herself at risk and delay treatment because of her obsession with having a child.

  “No, this is my choice. I want this, Ash. Don’t you understand?” Tears filled her eyes. “My body. My life.”

  I couldn’t look at her. My heart sank to new depths, and I silently screamed. Sometimes, Connie made me so angry. There was just no reasoning with her. It felt like she no longer heard me or cared for my opinions. That hurt me more than anything. Her longing for a baby had taken over her life, and now that there was a formal diagnosis, she was a living, breathing time bomb.

  “Mrs. Benton, you do realize this will be a very hard process?”

  Connie glared at the doctor. “Just do it. I don’t care about anything else. Just get the ball rolling.”

  I sat there in complete disbelief and did the only thing I could. I got up, left the office, and headed straight for the bar.

  The tears wouldn’t stop. I sat up in bed and wiped my face. I hated how I allowed myself to continue torturing myself with those dark days. Connie’s condition had led us in Marcy’s direction. Marcy was the biggest factor in all my pain. She was the catalyst, and as long as she kept waving her hand in my face, demanding rights, she’d never leave me alone.

  Marcy sat across the table from me. She smirked as if she had won this round of discussions. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

  I’d play along, listen to her side of things, but the moment she dared to try to twist my words, I was out of there.

  “I don’t see the problem, Ash,” she said.

  “That’s where you and I differ.”

  She grabbed her cup, sipped at her tea, and smiled at me. “Really?”

  “Listen, Marcy, I agreed to come here today and listen to what you had to say. So far, you keep going round in circles. It’s getting boring and I’ve things to do,” I remarked, and looked at my watch.

  She raised an eyebrow and said, “Have you someplace else to be?”

  “As a matter of fact, I’ve a ton of places I’d rather be. Sitting here with you, pretending that I like you, that gives me a terrible itch.”

  “Fuck you, Ash.” She raised her voice.

  A couple sitting at the next table over glared at us and turned away when they caught sight of my intense scrutiny.

  Marcy continued. “Like you’re the only one with a life.”

  “I’m outta here.” I stood and threw a twenty down.

  “Very mature. Typical of you, always bailing when the going gets tough.”

  I turned my back on her, doing my best not to allow the words to penetrate my feelings. However hard I worked at ignoring her, Marcy had a knack for ripping me apart.

  “That’s it, walk away, Ash. This is what you do best.” Her voice followed me as I left the restaurant.

  I wanted nothing more than to hit the nearest bar and drink myself to oblivion. Nothing compared to how cheap and shitty the bitch made me feel. When I drank, it cured my venom. For a while, at least.

  My phone buzzed. I was just about to switch it off when I saw Joe’s name flash across the screen.

  Damn it, I thought.

  “Joe!” I answered.

  “Ash, I hate doing this to you, but we’re a man down tonight. Do you think you can cover?” He sounded desperate.

  “Jesus, Joe, it’s my day off. Can’t someone else do it?”

  I knew the answer before he said anything.

  “No, you’re on the rota for cover,” he replied.

  I rolled my eyes, let out a sigh, and headed home. “Then, I guess I better show my face.”

  “Good man,” Joe replied. “Oh, and Benton!”

  “What?”

  “Go easy on the new girl. She’s like a lost lamb.”

  “I find that very hard to believe.” I chortled, and hung up. “Lost lamb, my ass.”

  Half an hour later, I was on duty in the station, and didn’t look forward to the prospect of a twelve-hour shift babysitting the newbie. I settled into the office, set my paperwork down in front of me, and told Matt not to disturb me unless necessary. Shortly after midnight, the first call came in.

  The door to the office opened. Matt was about to say something when the tones dropped.

  “Engine sixteen, rescue nine, battalion five, squad four, ambulance twelve, respond. Intersection of Webster Avenue and Cleveland Avenue, reference vehicle accident with entrapment,” the radio dispatcher announced over the speaker.

  I stood and sighed. “So it begins.”

  Matt nodded.

  The two of us headed down to the truck, where I crashed face-first into Sophia.

  “Jesus Christ,” I shouted. “Don’t run. It’s not your emergency. Remember, you won’t be any good to anybody if you get hurt before you get there.”

  Matt looked at me in surprise, raised his eyebrows, and shook his head.

  Sophia gawked at me. Her eyes narrowed.

  “Aye, aye, captain,” she mocked.

  As I got dressed, the fury inside me swarmed. I didn’t like the girl and never would. Nevertheless, I had a job to do, and I was a professional. I pushed her to the back of my mind and got into the truck with the rest o
f the crew, racing to the call.

  The police controlled the traffic coming from both directions. It was as I suspected—a head-on collision. We didn’t know if there were any fatalities, only entrapment in the second car.

  Taking control of the scene, I gave my orders. “Matt, crib the vehicle. Danny, kill the battery. I’m going to start on the door. Sophia, I want you to stand ready with your gear. You’re going to get the first patient.”

  “I need to treat that man now,” Sophia declared.

  “You wait until the vehicle is secure.” I didn’t even look at her.

  “He could die.”

  I kept my eyes on the car and calmly replied, “I have given you orders. You make sure you follow through.”

  We worked smoothly and efficiently until I caught sight of Sophia climbing into the rear seat of the vehicle.

  “Sophia, get out of the car now,” I demanded. “This isn’t safe.”

  “I am not letting this man die because of safety protocols,” she shouted.

  Matt and Danny stared at me, waiting for me to do something.

  “Sophia, you need to step out of the vehicle right now. Do you understand me?”

  My commands fell on deaf ears. Sophia blatantly disobeyed me, and started treating the injured driver. She placed a collar around his neck and started lines. She lifted the fluid bag, and looked confused for a split second.

  “Here, hold this. Make yourself useful instead of standing there watching me do all the work.” Sophia smiled at me.

  I begrudgingly stepped over to her and took the fluid bag from her hands, holding it up. I could feel Danny’s eyes on me, but he remained silent and carried on working.

  Once we freed all the passengers, Sophia and her partner took the injured man to Mercy Hospital.

  I couldn’t wait to get back to the station.

  “You okay?” Danny whispered as we got in the truck.

  “Let’s just not talk, huh?”

  Danny didn’t say another word.

  The ride back to the station was full of tension. No matter how many times I told myself to calm my shit, it was impossible. Fury boiled beneath the surface. Sophia had to be held accountable.

  Forty minutes later, Sophia and David arrived back at the station.

  Matt and Danny looked at each other before they left the kitchen.

  David headed off to get some sleep, leaving Sophia and I alone.

  “Office, now,” I said.

  She didn’t reply and followed me across the hall, closing the door behind her.

  “Want to tell me what that was about out there?” I asked, folding my arms across my chest and sitting on the edge of the desk.

  Sophia frowned. She scanned my arms, giving me the same judgmental look she gave me at the zoo.

  “The patient could have died if I hadn’t been proactive.”

  “I gave orders, and you ignored me. I am your superior, Miss Dubois. Do you have a problem with authority?”

  “I have no problem. However, I do have a problem with someone like you.” She sneered at me. “And my name is Sophia, or is that something you failed to notice? All this Miss Dubois shit is getting really boring.”

  I couldn’t believe she was still backchatting and didn’t give a damn that she would be on report.

  “I’m sorry, but this attitude doesn’t cut it here,” I said in my most calm voice. “If you have a problem with me, or with how I look, you don’t bring it to the field, not when people depend on us.”

  “So you just expect me to stand around, waiting for you to give me the nod of approval?” Her face twisted as she spoke.

  “Yes, basically, that is what you are expected to do,” I replied. “But seriously, Sophia, you won’t last five minutes around here if you keep trying to prove a point. Drop the act. I get it. You don’t like me. I don’t particularly have warm fuzzy feelings for you, either. So if we’re going to work together, learn to have a bit of respect.”

  “Are we done here?” she snapped.

  “Yeah, we’re done, but I want a write-up and your report before you clock off,” I said, walking to the door and opening it. “Another thing before you go, being a judgmental brat doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you a dick, remember that.”

  Her lips thinned to a tight line. She exited the office without glancing in my direction.

  I closed the door behind her and watched her walk away. There was no room in my workplace for someone like her, not if she was going to ignore rules and commands. Emergency services needed people on the ball, not with chips on their shoulders.

  Jake was as fresh as a daisy by the time I got home.

  “Daddy.” He bounced down the hall and into my arms.

  “Hey, buddy.” I hugged him tight.

  “I missed you, but Grandma read me three whole books.” His smile was infectious.

  “Did she now?” I said, holding him in my arms and walking down the hall.

  He nodded and wrapped his arms around my neck.

  God, I loved this child more than life itself. He was the very reason for everything I did. Perfection wasn’t something I’d ever master, but to me, Jake was a masterpiece.

  “Hey, Mom.” I pressed a kiss to the top of my mother’s head.

  “You look tired. Did you not get any rest?” she asked, filling a cup of coffee for me.

  I set Jake down, and he ran from the kitchen back down the hall to his room. “Yeah, a little.” I smiled. “We had a few call outs.”

  “Oh.” She bestowed a worried look upon me.

  “Nothing too serious.” I laughed.

  My mother handed me the cup.

  I took a sip before sitting down at the table.

  “Are you hungry? I can make you some eggs.”

  “I’m good, Mom. Sit down.” I pushed the chair out from under the table and watched her sit down.

  My mother was an angel. She and Pops didn’t have an easy run of things when they were raising me. For a while, I lost my way. I was sure I had broken my mother’s heart many times over, but she continued loving me. I never understood her patience, not until I became a parent myself.

  Between my mother, Danny, and Connie, they saved me from a much different life. I’d been lost in a world fueled by petty crime, drugs, and booze. There was a lack of respect for those in my life, living only for the moment, and I hadn’t cared about who got hurt along the way.

  My mother took my hand in hers.

  I stared at the small age spots across her skin. “How did I get so lucky having a mother like you?”

  She let out an amused laugh and shrugged her shoulders. “I guess we both got lucky, huh?”

  This was my mother to the bone. She would never pretend to be anything other than humble.

  “I better get Jake ready,” I said.

  “Oh, I can take him in. You go get some sleep.” She stood and called Jake. “Jake, get your backpack, honey.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Sweetheart, you need your rest, even if it’s for a few hours. It’s game night. Jake needs his daddy to put on a good show,” she said, and kissed my cheek.

  Jake appeared in the doorway with his favorite Transformer’s schoolbag. “Is Daddy not taking me?”

  “Daddy’s been working all night,” my mother said.

  “Will you collect me, Daddy?” he asked.

  “You bet. We’ll stop by Uncle Danny’s, and we’ll have a man’s afternoon.” I got up from the table and walked over to him, bending down and pinching the tip of his nose. “You get to be boss for the day.”

  “Can we get Chinese food?” he asked, scratching behind his ear.

  “We can get anything you want.”

  “Yes!” Jake fist-pumped the air and kissed my cheek. He hugged me tight and ran toward the front door.

  “See you later, buddy,” I shouted down the hall after him. “Thanks, Mom.”

  “I’ll see you
tonight, honey,” she replied, making her way to the door. “I love you,” she called back before closing the door behind her.

  Stretching my arms, I poured the coffee in the sink, slipped off my boots, and walked into my room. I closed the blinds, stripped off my clothes, and climbed into bed.

  Sometimes, the silence was all I craved. After Sophia’s behavior, complete calm was what I needed. If only things went the way I wanted.

  I always found it odd when I walked into the schoolyard. Some would say I stuck out like a sore thumb. Others may have assumed I was some gang banger and their kids were in danger. Either way, I didn’t give a damn. It made conversations a little meatier. Danny kept reminding me that I wasn’t meant to scare people, but if the truth were told, I was just a puppy underneath all my ink.

  Of course, a few mothers turned their attention to me. This served as a way to boost my ego. At the end of the day, I was a single father, doing my best to raise my kid. A little positive attention never did anyone any harm.

  “Hey, Ash,” Cindy said, walking up beside me and smiling at me.

  “Hey, Cindy, you doing good?” I smiled back at her.

  Cindy Callaghan was a good-looking woman. She had all the bumps in the right places and left very little to the imagination. Newly divorced, I was sure she was on the hunt for her rebound guy. As much as I appreciated the attention, I wasn’t going to be that guy. Of course, that’s not to say I wouldn’t enjoy the flirtation.

  “Oh, so-so, I guess. Busy getting ready for the summer,” she gushed. “The weather has been amazing, right?”

  “Can’t complain about much. Just taking it easy today.”

  She moved in closer. The whiff of her perfume was overwhelming, but I played it cool.

  “I hear that Jake’s really coming out of his shell,” she remarked. “He’s such a sweet little boy.”

  I nodded and replied, “Yeah, he’s a good kid. He’s surrounded with good people who understand the tough times he’s had.”

  Mentioning the hard year Jake has been through sobered Cindy up long enough for her to take a step back.